Have you or would you Date someone with Kids?

[pdizo916]

If you were to ask me last year, I would say no. But now I've reconsidered my options. I'm 30 and ready to settle down. However, i dont have much experience with kids and certainly not being a parent or an authoritative figure. By me dating a single mom, she would already know how to deal with all of that and she could "groom me" on how to become a parent. But like many answers i've read on this thread, the answer to your question is that it depends on the woman and how many kids she has. If she's 30 with a kid, then I don't find that too egregious. However, if she's 25 with three kids, then....

[USMCHokie]

Ok, we're talking about over 18 yrs....fine by me then.

 

Age doesn't matter. I guess I just wouldn't want to deal with it...

[Omei]

No I cant

 

And thats weird because I have a daughter thats seven and men date me.

 

I could never date a man with a child simply because I cannot stand them doing that whole ex contact thing not because I wouldnt trust my partner simply because I would find it annoying that id never be in a place where their child would call me mom

 

I gotta be the mom, I dont like other people's children much besides my own...

 

It may seem silly but I dont wanna walk on eggshells with someone else kid, I want to be the rule maker.

 

I would however consider dating a man who has the same position as me with child but no ex contact that would leave a co parenting spot open

 

(PS those worried about income and such a good partner who has a child would never expect you to take on the financial responsibility of their child, they have done it before without you why start now? I dont think single parents should ever consider their partner having to do that till marriage)

Edited January 20, 2015 by Omei

[Omei]

But what about being exposed to the kid? I mean, they do eventually get attached to the person the parent is dating and a lot of times suffer another loss if/when the parent breaks up with that person they were dating.

 

I think it's wrong for people just to drag their kids around someone they're "dating". But, then again, too many people who call themselves "parents" are just worried about their needs and the kids are just along for the ride.

 

Oh, and about me? The only way I'd date someone with kids is if I wasn't involved with the kids. I don't have any and am not raising anyone else's kids. I've also seen some guys just want to get with any chick to be a mommy/maid to their kids since mum is no longer in the picture. I'm not some guy's nanny/maid.

 

Sorry but you couldn't be more wrong

 

I have said this elsewhere but a child only suffers loss in a dating relationship if the parent has taken that person placed them in a role then told their child they can and should expect that from them.

 

A child at any age knows who is and who is not their real parent in a dating relationship if you have not forced the idea that the other person is their parent they do not suffer a type of loss.

 

I have found this to be true time again my one year and five year relationship both times my child was fine said she would miss them but not much more no tears as I never once told my child to expect a father role from my partners they are her "friend"

 

I think any parent who dates and allows their child to call them father/mother or allow their child to assume they can count on them as much as their real parent before marriage are bat crazy

Edited January 20, 2015 by Omei

[Ninjainpajamas]

My aversion to dating women with children when younger was, I didn't want to just be another guy coming in and out of the child(s) lives.

 

And that's unfortunately what I've seen with a lot of single parenting women, and I've always seen the children get attached or feel the intervention...for some it causes a disconnect or feeling of displacement. But again, that could because these women changed the entire environment and their lives for the men they are with...they wanted to "share" a life with that man, which in many cases meant putting him before the kids or altering things too much just to accomplish that.

 

At any rate, I honestly care less about the woman than the kids in these cases...she'll move on and be with another man eventually, but the kids might be really affected, because you can't help the relationship that is developed if they get really close to the other person...what are you supposed to do? push them away? keep them at an arms length? kids don't understand relationships and how things come and go, they think everything is a permanent.

 

Now maybe if you date a cruel and enjoyable person, maybe there is a less chance of them connecting to that person (which I've seen this process as well). But they can feel alienated and replaced by that process too as the single parent tries to fill "their needs" as well, which can be an excuse for anything.

 

But overall being a non-parent myself, imagining the difficulty negotiating a life with young kid(s) has to be difficult within itself, trying to maintain that stability for them with the balancing act and decision make such has to be very tricky. One thing i always hear from parents though is "they're too young, they won't remember that"...every kid I've ever known however was affected by the experience, maybe it wasn't apparent at the time they were kids but they kept those memories and knowing how clueless and wide the gap of communication is between parents and kids on average...I don't honestly expect the parent to be aware that there is even a problem.

 

I'm not saying it's an easy job to establish that relationship or anything, but it's all too often that parents don't know anything about how their children/teens truly feel, I guess they just assume that since they are in control and have certain intentions that everything must be going according to plan..and this is life, they'll get through it and figure it out one way or another.

 

But like I said for me, main concern has always been the children...that's why I've always found it difficult engaging in a serious relationship with a woman who has a kid(s), it's something I've seen so many disasters come out of, and I'd hate to be just "one of those guys" as a watery vague memory in that kids memory, and even worse they developed a very close relationship with me and then I had to leave for other reasons in the relationship,...just don't have the heart for it, can't be one of those guys that date single parent women and act like the kids don't even exist or make a difference.

[Omei]

Ninjainpajamas I find those who dont have children dont realize just how very reslilient they are and dont give them enough credit on their intelligence to gasp things.

 

People come and go in any life from kids to adults its our job as parents to make them realize its not bad and transitions happen.

 

Most children do not sit and stirr about adult to adult relationships unless its clear something is constantly going on that might be bad, and there is always signs of a child in discomfort if a parent is paying attention.

 

Any traumatized child you've come across from seeing a relationship happen is likely result of poor parenting and lack of communication between child and parent of the situation the thats going on (things like telling a child they can count on new spouces, leaving them alone all the time with a non parent, introducing early and allowing sleep overs in a child presence) there's no reason for a child to be confused unless you're not being clear and not willing to regularly ask how they are feeling as well.

 

I truly believe that if a child is tarnished from a relationship its very much the parents actions at fault because they're very able to have normal relationships come and go without being effected for life.

 

They are just tiny people, passed the age of forgetting they are capable of much understanding they are not as fragile and clueless as you make them out to seem.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Omei