Live boldly

[prekopsian]

A year ago today I discovered that my wife of seven years – my partner of nineteen – was in a relationship with a co-worker. Like most posters here, I was dumbstruck. I had no idea. We'd been trying for a baby, and we'd just lost it through miscarriage.

 

My wife offered no remorse, no explanation, and showed no interest in reconciliation. I asked her to leave. We lived separately for two months. She said she needed time to think. To work out what she wanted from life. What the affair meant, and how we might proceed. I said I'd allow her time, on the proviso she avoided her co-worker.

 

While we were apart I began to realise two truths. The first, that my wife simply wanted to continue the affair without hindrance. The second, that the relationship we had could never be rebuilt. All I value in a partner she had demonstrated she lacked.

 

When we met after the separation, she said she wanted more time. To live alone for a while. To continue to think. I knew she was lying. I started divorce proceedings. Her sister told me she was moving in with her AP.

 

I've been through the same gauntlet of emotions as most people here. Self-loathing, self-pity. Unbelievable grief. Just wanting to know why. Ultimately I've realised that I'll never know. I don't think my ex-wife knows either. I'm not sure she's capable of self-analysis.

 

During the divorce process I dated. I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I was candid about my circumstances. I met someone. Someone wonderful. And we've been together for nine months.

 

I won't ever be the same person again. I'm less trusting, less naïve. But I'll be damned if I'll love any less than before.

 

I've been lurking on this forum for a while. I wish you all the very best. Please don't give up on yourself.

 

"The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And the only thing people regret is that they didn't live boldly enough, that they didn't invest enough heart, didn't love enough. Nothing else really counts at all." Ted Hughes.

 

P.

Edited November 14, 2014 by prekopsian

[jm2013]

A year ago today I discovered that my wife of seven years – my partner of nineteen – was in a relationship with a co-worker. Like most posters here, I was dumbstruck. I had no idea. We'd been trying for a baby, and we'd just lost it through miscarriage.

 

My wife offered no remorse, no explanation, and showed no interest in reconciliation. I asked her to leave. We lived separately for two months. She said she needed time to think. To work out what she wanted from life. What the affair meant, and how we might proceed. I said I'd allow her time, on the proviso she avoided her co-worker.

 

While we were apart I began to realise two truths. The first, that my wife simply wanted to continue the affair without hindrance. The second, that the relationship we had could never be rebuilt. All I value in a partner she had demonstrated she lacked.

 

When we met after the separation, she said she wanted more time. To live alone for a while. To continue to think. I knew she was lying. I started divorce proceedings. Her sister told me she was moving in with her AP.

 

I've been through the same gauntlet of emotions as most people on this forum. Self-loathing, self-pity. Unbelievable grief. Just wanting to know why. Ultimately I've realised that I'll never know. I don't think my ex-wife knows either. I'm not sure she's capable of self-analysis.

 

During the divorce process I dated. I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I was candid about my circumstances. I met someone. Someone wonderful. And we've been together for nine months.

 

I won't ever be the same person again. I'm less trusting, less naïve. But I'll be damned if I'll love any less than before.

 

I've been lurking on this forum for a while. I wish you all the very best. Please don't give up on yourself.

 

"The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And the only thing people regret is that they didn't live boldly enough, that they didn't invest enough heart, didn't love enough. Nothing else really counts at all." Ted Hughes.

 

P.

 

Of course you won't be the same person again. You'd be insane and most likely wind up in the same position you were with a new woman. Experiences teach a good lesson. As for most of use that protective bubble was popped and we now see the world for what it really is. It's like the Matrix. Who's going to take the red or blue pill? I wish you luck and hope you're starting to pull out of the funk completely and actually start to be happy again.

[GoBlue]

Thanks for sharing. My heart goes out to you. May the Lord bless you as you move forward!

[SawtoothMars]

Of course you won't be the same person again. You'd be insane and most likely wind up in the same position you were with a new woman. Experiences teach a good lesson. As for most of use that protective bubble was popped and we now see the world for what it really is. It's like the Matrix. Who's going to take the red or blue pill? I wish you luck and hope you're starting to pull out of the funk completely and actually start to be happy again.

 

I disagree. Don't change who you are... Don't stop trusting. Clear eyes and strong hearts never lose!

[drifter777]

Your pain, disappointment, and ultimate acceptance of the situation comes though loud and clear. I'm happy for you to be done with the relationship with your cheating wife and, to be honest here, she's probably happier now too. The important thing was understanding it wasn't going to work and then doing the right thing. Unfortunately, her selfish, cowardly act of cheating was a case of collateral damage to you that you will never forget. You did learn a lot from the whole mess and I hope the experience can somehow help you in the rest of your life.

[No Limit]

Great you didn't let your ex lead you on. Live life, it's too short to waste it for the unfaithful, dishonest etc.

[Striver]

I disagree. Don't change who you are... Don't stop trusting. Clear eyes and strong hearts never lose!

 

If you mean trust but verify, I agree. Many people just stop trusting. That doesn't work. There are "transactional" ways to interact that way but a spouse is supposed to be our friend as well, and trust is necessary.

 

It's completely okay and appropriate to do more checking and verifying with a second spouse. Not because of who he or she is, you do it for both of you. Ask more questions about general attitude towards marriage, just be a lot more careful. Then, if everything checks out with both of you, you trust.

 

I think for the second marriage to work it has to be made different or better than the first somehow. Maybe making it more rigorous is the answer.

[whichwayisup]

I disagree. Don't change who you are... Don't stop trusting. Clear eyes and strong hearts never lose!

 

Every experience, good and bad changes a person a bit. Not the core or who they are overall, but you cannot go through something like he did and NOT change.

[road]

bs's should not date. they are still married. get the divorce first. no need to sink to the ws level

[Striver]

Every experience, good and bad changes a person a bit. Not the core or who they are overall, but you cannot go through something like he did and NOT change.

 

Actually, if you can have more of a complete change, like becoming a born-again Christian, that could increase the chance of a second marriage working. But not everyone can do that.

 

It is not just stuff that happens immediately after the first marriage breaks up. Not just the immediate change. You can meet partner #2, then partner #2 does something that triggers something that partner #1 did and you change further. Or there are compromises you have to make with partner #2 that you didn't have to make with partner #1. Or baggage, like children from the prior marriages. Second marriages are tough to pull off for those reasons.

[prekopsian]

bs's should not date. they are still married. get the divorce first. no need to sink to the ws level

 

Hi Road

 

I respectfully disagree.

 

At the point I knew my marriage was dead, and that the process of divorce had begun, I felt free to date.

 

My wife knew that I didn't want to be married to her, and the women I dated were also completely aware of my situation. I certainly didn't feel like I was cheating – I had no real-world relationship.

 

For me at least, the paperwork was a formality. I became single the day I told my wife I no longer wanted to be one of her partners.

 

I understand your point of view, but I was honest with everyone involved. And I think honesty is the key here.

 

P.

Edited November 15, 2014 by prekopsian

[jnel921]

Life does get better after D. You were right to feel that her wanting to live alone was to continue the lie.

 

Its a shame that the people we marry and vow to love us can do this. People change.

 

You are better off and you will find someone in time that will love and respect your heart.

 

Good luck to you.

[oldshirt]

bs's should not date. they are still married. get the divorce first. no need to sink to the ws level

 

I disagree. The WS tore up their spouse card and waived their right to fidelity when they cheated. If divorce papers have been served then all parties are aware that the marriage is over and being dissolved.

 

 

The time from when papers are served until the final decree is handed down is just the courthouse getting caught up on the paperwork.

 

 

Once you file on someone or once they file on you, you are free to do as you wish.

 

 

 

 

and it's not "sinking to the WS' level" because it's not cheating or adulterous at that point.

Edited November 16, 2014 by oldshirt

[road]

I disagree. The WS tore up their spouse card and waived their right to fidelity when they cheated. If divorce papers have been served then all parties are aware that the marriage is over and being dissolved.

 

 

The time from when papers are served until the final decree is handed down is just the courthouse getting caught up on the paperwork.

 

Once you file on someone or once they file on you, you are free to do as you wish.

 

and it's not "sinking to the WS' level" because it's not cheating or adulterous at that point.

 

 

 

 

You are not done until the paper work is done.

 

That aside many a marriage that was thought "over" before the judge said it was over had additional problems from not waiting till the divorce was decreed.

 

78% of marriages survive an affair. Means the WS and the BS stay married. How well they recovered does vary.

 

The baggage from one spouse stepping out is more then enough to overcome. On D day many a WS, BS, even both declared the marriage dead and wanting a divorce. Only to see six months later the affair dead and the WS and the BS starting recovery.The BS having a RA, revenge affair only makes things worse.

 

Are we adults?

 

Do we need instant gratification?

 

If yes then we are not mature adults.

 

I will close with how can one condemn someone while they go and then do the same?

 

The old saying of the pot calling the kettle black.

[jellybean89]

I call BS road. It is not sinking to a cheaters level to date when you know your marriage is over. Yes, there are plenty of liars out there who have affairs, telling the affair partner that they are divorcing. That is not the case with this story.

 

If a person is living apart and is divorcing, and they know in their heart the marriage is over, they can date. You are assuming all people divorcing are cheaters and liars, and that not the case.

[road]

I call BS road. It is not sinking to a cheaters level to date when you know your marriage is over. Yes, there are plenty of liars out there who have affairs, telling the affair partner that they are divorcing. That is not the case with this story.

 

If a person is living apart and is divorcing, and they know in their heart the marriage is over, they can date. You are assuming all people divorcing are cheaters and liars, and that not the case.

 

 

 

BS?

 

 

How is many stories where initial response of the BS to have sex while still married aka an RA.

 

 

Only for the WS and the BS to change their minds and not get a divorce. Now they have double the baggage because they have two affairs to deal with.

 

 

Again with a divorce happening relatively fast these days there is no reason to not wait a month or two.

 

 

It is always better to do the right thing.

[prekopsian]

BS?

 

 

How is many stories where initial response of the BS to have sex while still married aka an RA.

 

 

Only for the WS and the BS to change their minds and not get a divorce. Now they have double the baggage because they have two affairs to deal with.

 

 

Again with a divorce happening relatively fast these days there is no reason to not wait a month or two.

 

 

It is always better to do the right thing.

Hi Road

 

What if the WS has no intention of ending their affair, and the BS has no intention of continuing the marriage? In my case there was zero likelihood of reconciliation. The opinion of both the married partners.

 

Might you concede that dating is not inappropriate if the marriage is agreed to be dead? Or do you really think that waiting for the paperwork is necessary?

 

(I'm not spoiling for an argument – I'm just curious.)

 

P.

[oldshirt]

You are not done until the paper work is done.

 

 

Wrong. The judge and the courthouse aren't done until the paperwork is done.

 

The individuals are done when party goes through the trouble of hiring an attorney, going through the process of drawing up divorce papers, filing with the court and having the other party served. At that point legal notice of the impending divorce proceedings has been given and acknowledged.

 

That aside many a marriage that was thought "over" before the judge said it was over had additional problems from not waiting till the divorce was decreed.

 

 

 

There may be some truth to that but it doesn't change anything. If you file for divorce on somebody and they have a date lined up by that Saturday night, then there ain't a thing you can say or do about it. If your partner files on you and then has a date that Sat, that just shows that they are serious and that it's time for you to move on too.

 

 

 

 

78% of marriages survive an affair.

 

 

are you sure it's not 76% or 80%? where are you getting your stats?????? and even if it's true that 78% stay married after an affair, that doesn't mean that they should.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The baggage from one spouse stepping out is more then enough to overcome. On D day many a WS, BS, even both declared the marriage dead and wanting a divorce. Only to see six months later the affair dead and the WS and the BS starting recovery.The BS having a RA, revenge affair only makes things worse.

 

 

I'll give you a little latitude on this one because there may be some validity to that. I do understand what you are saying in that it just adds another layer of complexity and bad feelings etc..

 

......but I don't care. If my wife cheats on me and files on me, that is just the risk she takes. If I feel like sitting at home in my underwear on a Saturday night I'll do it. If there is someone I am wanting to take out on a date, I am not going to let the fact that a judge hasn't signed the final divorce decree stop me. And I am certainly not going to let the fact that some divorces don't go through in the eleventh hour stop me either.

 

And I assume that my wife will do the same if I file on hour. I assume if she receives notice that I have petitioned for divorce, I assume that she will move on with her life in whatever manner she sees fit. If that means she calls up some stud to lay the lumber to her then that is her choice. By serving her with divorce papers I have declared that other than in matters of the children, we are both free to do as we chose with our own lives.

 

Being committed and faithful is what marriage is about, not divorce. Once divorce papers are filed and served, everything else is free-will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are we adults?

 

 

Yes. And when adults file for divorce, they have stated their intentions in a legally recognized manner.

 

Do we need instant gratification?

 

It's called free-will and choice. Gratification has nothing to do with it.

 

 

 

 

If yes then we are not mature adults.

 

 

Mature adults do not file for divorce unless they intend to divorce.

 

If a mature adult receives divorce papers, they have to realize their partner is divorcing them.

 

 

I will close with how can one condemn someone while they go and then do the same?

 

this is where you are missing the point. It's NOT the same.

cheating is carrying on with others on the down-low while still married. When you file divorce you are declaring your legal freedom to do as you wish as a single adult (within the childcare and property settlement orders of court) and when you receive divorce papers you are receiving your ex's declaration of freedom (and thus waiving their right to your exclusivity as well) There for it is not cheating as it is free choice of a single adult.

 

The old saying of the pot calling the kettle black.

 

 

No it's not. It's now a pot and kettle doing whatever they want.

 

 

 

 

 

See my responses above.

 

 

perhaps this little analogy will bring things into a little better perspective -

 

 

As a nation we consider the birth of our country and our right to free will and self governance and unshackled from the rule of England as July 4th, 1776 when the Declaration of Independence was signed.

 

 

We do not consider our nation's birthday as 1783 when the revolutionary war came to a formal end. nor do we consider it when the constitution was ratified in 1789 or George Washington took office of presidency also in 1789.

 

 

My point being is you are free when you declare yourself free and take up arms. Not when the ink is dry on the final paperwork.

[road]

Hi Road

 

What if the WS has no intention of ending their affair, and the BS has no intention of continuing the marriage? In my case there was zero likelihood of reconciliation. The opinion of both the married partners.

 

Might you concede that dating is not inappropriate if the marriage is agreed to be dead? Or do you really think that waiting for the paperwork is necessary?

 

(I'm not spoiling for an argument – I'm just curious.)

 

P.

 

You quote but do not read. Divorces do not take long these days. So it is impossible to wait a month or two for the divorce to be final before you start dating too much to ask of you?

[road]

See my responses above.

 

 

perhaps this little analogy will bring things into a little better perspective -

 

 

As a nation we consider the birth of our country and our right to free will and self governance and unshackled from the rule of England as July 4th, 1776 when the Declaration of Independence was signed.

 

 

We do not consider our nation's birthday as 1783 when the revolutionary war came to a formal end. nor do we consider it when the constitution was ratified in 1789 or George Washington took office of presidency also in 1789.

 

 

My point being is you are free when you declare yourself free and take up arms. Not when the ink is dry on the final paperwork.

 

 

 

You twist things just as Josh Earnest, and Jay Carney.

[2.50 a gallon]

The vows that I took when I married were between myself, her and the ultimate judge, the creator. The instant my Ex stepped over the line and broke her vow of "forsaking all others" my marriage was over. I was once again free.

 

Mr. Road please quote chapter and verse, where it says that I have to pay another man thousands of dollars and wait for his or her okey dokey for me to move on in life.

[2.50 a gallon]

As for waiting a month or two, some times we do not have that much time. I just now got my good morning kiss, from this absolutely gorgeous woman, who is out of my league in the looks department.

Nineteen years ago, when she finally temporarily broke it off with her then long time live in boy friend, she had a long string of guys, who were all like myself, wanting to get that first date with her.

I totally blew it with the first date, as her beauty had me stumbling around like a shy high school kid on his first date. I barely was able to talk her into a second date. Where I once again reverted to the high school kid. In fact it was to bad, that half way thru the date, I took her home. However I was determined to get at least one kiss from the beauty before I said goodbye forever. That kiss awoke the man in me, and as above stated we have now been together for over 19 wonderful loving years. It still scares me to realize that I was within seconds of losing her forever.

[oldshirt]

The instant my Ex stepped over the line and broke her vow of "forsaking all others" my marriage was over. I was once again free.

 

Mr. Road please quote chapter and verse, where it says that I have to pay another man thousands of dollars and wait for his or her okey dokey for me to move on in life.

 

Yup. When someone cheats they automatically forfeit any expectation of their partners exclusivity.

 

The divorce is a legal declaration by the judge stating that the properties and assets have been allocated as prescribed by law that the plan for which the children shall be cared for is in place.

 

The lawyers, judges, courts etc are legal instruments to execute the legal matters of the separation, it hold no authority over personal matters and when to start dating or not during a divorce is a personal matter and personal choice.

[badkarma2013]

I disagree. The WS tore up their spouse card and waived their right to fidelity when they cheated. If divorce papers have been served then all parties are aware that the marriage is over and being dissolved.

 

 

The time from when papers are served until the final decree is handed down is just the courthouse getting caught up on the paperwork.

 

 

Once you file on someone or once they file on you, you are free to do as you wish.

 

 

******Could not agree more...again some case of R work for some people...however the LIES ,DECEIT and DEPTHS OF BETRAYAL that come to light after D-DAY and the upcoming weeks and months ( If the WS is honest) ....WILL NEVER LEAVE THE BS....EVER..

 

Ive spoken to a couple on another site...who the wife confessed an ongoing affair to her husband over 25years ago...at that time they...he decide to R....HE STILL AFTER 25 YEARS DEALING WITH ISSUES FROM THIS EVENT.......25 YEARS , GRANTED NOT AS SEVERE BUT THERE NONE THE LESS.

 

 

 

Ive seen BSs here and on other forums who have struggled for years after WSs had their FU@%FEST and wanted forgivness....

 

THEY NEVER FORGET.. THEY.MAY FORGIVE BUT THEY NEVER FORGET!!

 

Again if that is R...YOU CAN KEEP IT...

[2.50 a gallon]

When I caught my Ex cheating, we had no kids, no community property, so I just walked away. I told her, that I would never remarry and did not care whether we were divorced or not. And if she wanted a divorce she would have to pay for it.

About a dozen years later I moved back to my home town. Where one day my mom presented me with a copy of my divorce, up until then I was not sure whether I was still married or not. Just did not care. Mom worked in the court system and knew how things worked and was able to get a copy. That is when I found out that we were actually married for over 4 years, as she held out hoping we might reconcile.