Darren2013 Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 So are you crushing on a coworker or have you in the past? What was your detailed plan of action? Did you just go about pretending that you didn't like them? By the way how many hold to the view that the best way to deal with a crush is to make them think that you don't like them? Is it childish grade school stuff or is there real merit in your opinion in giving your crush the impression that you don't like them? I don't mean being a bully or throwing sand in their face but like ignoring them and pretending they don't exist when they walk in the room and keeping answers short when they initiate contact with you?
leavesonautumn Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 I did when I was 21 and it resulted in a 5 year relationship. We didn't keep it too much of a secret even though he was a manager and older. There weren't any childish games, it was clear we liked each other. However, it was not fun to work together and it resulted in a lot of drama within the relationship. When he'd have to approach my department to give us ****, he'd focus his attention on me even if I had nothing to do with the issue. It's not something I would recommend going for unless you work in a very large company and wouldn't even have the chance to run into each other during the working day. 1
Targetlock Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 I've often had crushes on work colleagues, but never made a move because of the possible problems it could cause.
eye of the storm Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I've dated co-workers. We were just very careful to keep business stuff business and personal stuff personal. I am a very honest person and cannot stand game play. And pretending to not like someone that you do like IMHO is childish. That being said, if your company has a policy against dating or they are a manager of yours...then other considerations come into play. And your behavior needs to be uber professional then. But I still would not advocate acting like you don't see them or giving short answers. To me that smacks of rude. 1
Cheshire Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I did when I was 21 and it resulted in a 5 year relationship. We didn't keep it too much of a secret even though he was a manager and older. There weren't any childish games, it was clear we liked each other. However, it was not fun to work together and it resulted in a lot of drama within the relationship. When he'd have to approach my department to give us ****, he'd focus his attention on me even if I had nothing to do with the issue. It's not something I would recommend going for unless you work in a very large company and wouldn't even have the chance to run into each other during the working day. Same here, I was 29 and my manager was 39 when we started. In a way, it's even worse when the subordinate is male and the manager is female... it's long been accepted that male bosses have flings with their secretaries, even up to the point of marriage, but the female boss/male subordinate dynamic seems almost taboo. We actually worked directly together for several years and both of us were clearly brilliant at hiding it, nobody suspected. If anybody had, we would have known and probably stopped as it was a very gossipy company. We even had sex on work premises several times including our first time. Obviously when we were the only people on the premises... like when everyone else had gone home and we were left to close up... there always had to be two people closing up the branch anyway, so it wasn't unusual for us to be left together on occasions by rota. If anyone at the alarm monitoring centre had closely studied the logs, they might have picked up on the pattern of the alarm being set an hour or so later on occasions, but that only dawned on me in retrospect! Anyway, we were in a relationship for 13 years. She was married, which obviously made it doubly covert, but the thing that stays with me is that when your personal and professional lives are so inextricably linked, if one goes wrong, they both do, and that can feel devastating. So it's not something I would ever recommend and I do regret it now. But at the time, it's difficult to stop. Sometimes, working closely together can become like marriage, and slipping into an emotional link can be all too easy.
sillyanswer Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 Darren, just ask her out on a date already.
Cheshire Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 Darren, just ask her out on a date already. There's a difference between asking her out on a date and outright ignoring her, as the OP is thinking of doing. Ignoring her to the point of rudeness could eventually lead to her actually putting in a grievance! . The complete opposite of what the OP would want. Ignoring in the workplace is just as bad as bullying these days But I still wouldn't recommend dating anyone from work, and thus linking personal and professional lives - all eggs in one basket. OP should just treat her normally, with courtesy, as any other colleague.
Author Darren2013 Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 There's a difference between asking her out on a date and outright ignoring her, as the OP is thinking of doing. Ignoring her to the point of rudeness could eventually lead to her actually putting in a grievance! . The complete opposite of what the OP would want. Ignoring in the workplace is just as bad as bullying these days But I still wouldn't recommend dating anyone from work, and thus linking personal and professional lives - all eggs in one basket. OP should just treat her normally, with courtesy, as any other colleague. Depends on the extent that I do ignore her. I do have to be professional and talk to her when it comes to work related stuff but I don't have to say hi to her or strike up any small talk when I pass by her. There's a difference. If the boss gives me a task to do with her then I do it because the boss's orders come first. But there's nothing in company policy that requires coworkers to be friendly with each other or even say hi when walking past each other. As long as they communicate when it is necessary about work then they have done their duty as far as the company is concerned. So she would not have any legitimate grounds to complain about me. Getting her feelings hurt if I don't speak to her is not a legitimate grounds because I do speak to her when it is necessary to do work.
Author Darren2013 Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 Same here, I was 29 and my manager was 39 when we started. In a way, it's even worse when the subordinate is male and the manager is female... it's long been accepted that male bosses have flings with their secretaries, even up to the point of marriage, but the female boss/male subordinate dynamic seems almost taboo. We actually worked directly together for several years and both of us were clearly brilliant at hiding it, nobody suspected. If anybody had, we would have known and probably stopped as it was a very gossipy company. We even had sex on work premises several times including our first time. Obviously when we were the only people on the premises... like when everyone else had gone home and we were left to close up... there always had to be two people closing up the branch anyway, so it wasn't unusual for us to be left together on occasions by rota. If anyone at the alarm monitoring centre had closely studied the logs, they might have picked up on the pattern of the alarm being set an hour or so later on occasions, but that only dawned on me in retrospect! Anyway, we were in a relationship for 13 years. She was married, which obviously made it doubly covert, but the thing that stays with me is that when your personal and professional lives are so inextricably linked, if one goes wrong, they both do, and that can feel devastating. So it's not something I would ever recommend and I do regret it now. But at the time, it's difficult to stop. Sometimes, working closely together can become like marriage, and slipping into an emotional link can be all too easy. Yeah it is normal for two people who spend alot of time working closely together to develop feelings. And yeah for awhile I felt like a work husband or work boyfriend before I became consciously aware of feelings slowly creeping up on my end. So if feelings have developed for her because I spent alot of time working with her, cutting up jokes, doing some favors for her, offering her snacks and stuff then logically the solution is to cut all of that out which I have and keep contact to a bare minimum and changing work schedules around to see her less and less. I have done all that. Instead of seeing her for 8 hours I have made it possible to see her for 3-4 hours more often instead. To an extent I control my work schedule and I take advantage of what is within my power to change until I leave the company for good. I can honestly say that I feel better when I don't see her face so this form of limited contact seems to work.
leavesonautumn Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 We even had sex on work premises several times including our first time. Obviously when we were the only people on the premises... like when everyone else had gone home and we were left to close up... there always had to be two people closing up the branch anyway, so it wasn't unusual for us to be left together on occasions by rota. If anyone at the alarm monitoring centre had closely studied the logs, they might have picked up on the pattern of the alarm being set an hour or so later on occasions, but that only dawned on me in retrospect! We got naughty during work hours... in a room that anyone could walk in at any point (it was a sick room for small pets:sick:). Looking back, it was so stupid and would have caused a lot of problems if we got caught. There were a lot of lessons learned during that relationship 1
most_distant_galaxy Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I used to have a crush on an old boss, but never acted on it (even though he was young, handsome and single). Didnt want to make things awkward.
newmoon Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 are you 10? why would you ignore someone you like, that sounds completely counterproductive and immature. workplace romances are the worst idea ever but if you want to pursue it, at least man up and do something rather than ignore her. 1
Author Darren2013 Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 are you 10? why would you ignore someone you like, that sounds completely counterproductive and immature. workplace romances are the worst idea ever but if you want to pursue it, at least man up and do something rather than ignore her. Ignoring someone you like without being unprofessional is alot better than following them around and better than talking about them to other coworkers. One of the things I do in my spare time is to go online and search for the signs a guy has a crush on a lady and I go through that list and make sure to do the opposite. I pretend like I don't care what she is up to on the days she is not at work, etc. stuff like that. When other coworkers bring her up in conversation and tell me that she got an award for this or that I just say "oh really" and then after a 5 second silence I change the subject. She is basically the elephant in the room to me now. Talk about everything else under the sun except what I am really thinking about which is her.
Tayken Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 @OP....clear your thoughts and remind yourself that it is not advisable for one to "crap where they eat", for so many reasons. If things go awry.. 1. lack of concentration 2. drop in productivity 3. snickering / gossips 4. awkwardness 5. chance of getting fired by HR 1
MissBee Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 (edited) So are you crushing on a coworker or have you in the past? What was your detailed plan of action? Did you just go about pretending that you didn't like them? By the way how many hold to the view that the best way to deal with a crush is to make them think that you don't like them? Is it childish grade school stuff or is there real merit in your opinion in giving your crush the impression that you don't like them? I don't mean being a bully or throwing sand in their face but like ignoring them and pretending they don't exist when they walk in the room and keeping answers short when they initiate contact with you? I think it is childish and silly to act like this. Kids usually do this, well, because they are kids and don't often have the emotional maturity to deal with their feelings so will often react this way to a crush, then as they grow up and become more mature and self-aware they know how to channel that into something productive. So for an adult person to still be responding in the way a child would makes them seem emotionally stunted. In elementary school sometimes if I liked a guy I would pretend I didn't. As an adult, if I'm in a space where I have a crush on someone, I treat them like a normal person OR I do things to make my interest known (after reading them and perhaps getting a sense they may be interested too). If I have a crush on someone then I treat them as I would any other person. I talk to them, smile at them, do normal things. I don't flirt in an obvious way or do any obvious things I just behave normally. I DON'T go out of my way to ignore them, pretend they don't exist or respond very shortly when they speak to me. That's odd and again kids often act like this because they don't know how to act so it's a defensive response against feelings they can't control but as an adult you should have learned how to deal with these feelings. I don't see what the end goal or point would be of acting like that towards someone you like. It is totally counterproductive. If I like someone I want them to like me back usually and if I'm single and they are often I'd want to see where things could go...so I only treat them in positive ways that can lead to that instead of responding to them in negative ways. The positive ways in which I act are: I either am nice to them and cordial like I would be with anyone else OR I flirt with them in a way that they can tell I'm doing so. Those two behaviors for me seem productive and can lead to something. Whereas ignoring a guy and pretending he doesn't exist will lead where exactly? Nowhere except the opposite of what I want. Edited November 15, 2014 by MissBee
Cheshire Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 Yeah it is normal for two people who spend alot of time working closely together to develop feelings. And yeah for awhile I felt like a work husband or work boyfriend before I became consciously aware of feelings slowly creeping up on my end. So if feelings have developed for her because I spent alot of time working with her, cutting up jokes, doing some favors for her, offering her snacks and stuff then logically the solution is to cut all of that out which I have and keep contact to a bare minimum and changing work schedules around to see her less and less. I have done all that. Instead of seeing her for 8 hours I have made it possible to see her for 3-4 hours more often instead. To an extent I control my work schedule and I take advantage of what is within my power to change until I leave the company for good. I can honestly say that I feel better when I don't see her face so this form of limited contact seems to work. If you're planning on leaving the company some time soon, then be nice to her, and then ask to keep in touch after you leave. Then ask her out. Nothing bad can come out of dating someone you used to work with, I'd imagine.
Recommended Posts