Is a successful relationship with zero attraction possible?

[hildagnome]

So, I've not had the best love life... I've never gone for bad boys just never met someone to settle down with. My close friend of 8 years has recently started hinting that we should get it together, properly - as in the whole package, marriage, kids, picket fence. I know he's racing ahead, but I can see where he's coming from. Why mess up a great friendship for anything less than a super serious relationship. He's the kindest guy and would make an amazing husband and father. He's extremely well educated, earns well, is definitely going places in his career, he has a good sense of humour and is solid as a rock. I just know he'd never mess around in a relationship. Perfect guy right?

 

Only problem is I've never, ever felt attracted to him. Like not for a single second. In fact when people talk about men and women not being friends I always wheel out this guy, saying 'Oh yes they can, look at us'. I've never been able to imagine having sex with him. Part of me says just suck it up, attraction will grow. I want a stable, solid man who has his qualities, and here he is - staring me in the face. The other part says wait it out, the "perfect" man will come along. Only problem is, what it the perfect man? My mother and many friends say you make it happen with someone who ticks the practical boxes. I'm in my 30s and haven't found this elusive guy yet. Either I'm interested (recently was totally into another friend of mine who didn't reciprocate) or they are and I'm not. Would it be settling? Or could it be the best thing I ever did?

[lalily]

Huge fat NO.

 

It's not just that you're not attracted to him, you're also not in love with him.

Only because you think he' be a great husband and father doesn't make him relationship material for you. If you really go through with this you'll both be miserable, mess up your friendship sooner or later and you or both of you fall in love with someone else and regret to have made that decision earlier in your life.

Never settle if there's no love and no attraction.

[preraph]

I couldn't be in a romantic sexual relationship with a guy I truly wasn't at all turned on by. I think it's up to each person, though. If he's smart, he wouldn't want to be with someone who just agrees to do it either. I totally disagree the attraction will grow. You've known him long enough it already would have grown if it was going to. A lifetime of having sex out of duty is not anything I would ever choose for myself. But it all depends on you personally.

[heartshaped]

Well I guess it depends on whether you're not attracted to him because he isn't attractive to you or if it's you're not attracted to him because he's your friend.

[sagamore]

To answer your title question: it depends on your definition of success.

 

But I think you're really asking whether you should settle for this guy when deep down, you want more from a relationship. Answer to that is NO. Both of you deserve to feel love and attraction for your partner. Marry someone you don't desire and you're denying that to him as well as to you.

[leavesonautumn]

No, if it hasn't happened in 8 years, don't expect it to anytime soon.

 

It always depends on the circumstance though. Attraction and sex is important to you and if you were someone who could live without it then you could have a relationship based on friendship compatibility. I've seen it happen but I can't say it appeals to me, it would cause a lot of resentment. You would probably be totally turned off to just holding each other or being intimate without sex, I can't imagine life with someone without that. Attraction does grow but there has to be some sort of base for it to grow on.

 

Has he expressed how he feels about you or is he expecting to get married just because he thinks it's a good idea?

[Thegreatestthing]

This topic of settling has come up a lot on here lately and I'm going through it.I've got a great bf who also wants all of the above ,though I've said no to kids,he is the most dependable great person,any problems he fixes them,he has made my life great,he is just the best partner you could want in terms of security,comfort etc etc .

 

but I don't feel crazy passion for him,the idea of sex with him is not off putting to me,it's just not huge or strong etc,I don't feel madly in love like I have before.

But if you took him away for a week,I would be

 

I don't know what to tell you, It depends what sort of life you want.I've never been interested in a conventional life - marriage,babies etc,so I never thought about that it's something he wants,maybe you really want that?

 

I just really like having someone I can depend on all the time,but I do miss the high romance,catastrophic feelings,but in them everything seems to be unstable.

 

You can keep looking for your soulmate ,I probably would(I've met mine but he'd be the worst to be in a relationship with).

 

I understand you feel you should take the opportunity, as you know as women age they simply become less attractive to the opposite sex etc etc.i get that.

But you have to be true to yourself as well,your most authentic self.

 

Though lots of people married for security etc etc it's not that unusual at all.

[browneyes88]

For me, no.

 

I love sex and intimacy too much.

 

Also, it wouldn't be fair to him, if he is attracted to you and the reverse isn't true.

[Assasda]

Do not get with this guy.

 

You friendzoned him for a reason.

If you try to have a relationship with him, you are just going to detest him.

 

Its a bit sad that youre thinking about making this decision too.

 

Move on, keep on having fun. Give other guys a chance, and it'll work for you

[Leigh 87]

The truth is, most people who genuinely want a loving, respectful, mutually beneficial and stable partnership that involve raising a family and having a mortgage together - they are not all that into each other or attracted to one another.

 

Sorry to say but most of us will not find a stable and loving relationship with a partner who we have fireworks with and feel wildly attracted to. It happens in the movies, or to... 1 out of 100 people or much much less.

 

Most people grow to feel attraction over time. They seek out a secure, stable provider/good mother and wife, and while they may initially find them cute or pretty, very few people are actually highly attracted to their partners from the get go/ from day one!

 

Personally, I would rather have a string of short term flings that don't last with men I feel the fireworks for and to remain single yet have other fulfilling things in life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most people are "meh whatever" about their future partners looks initially - they grow to find them attractive based on their character.

[Leigh 87]

Do not get with this guy.

 

You friendzoned him for a reason.

If you try to have a relationship with him, you are just going to detest him.

 

Its a bit sad that youre thinking about making this decision too.

 

Move on, keep on having fun. Give other guys a chance, and it'll work for you

 

 

How old is she?

 

If she is in her 30's and she is desperate for a family and to have a stable and reliable partner, he may be her only bet - unless she is really attractive and has a lot of options.

 

Let's be honest; it is hard to find a person whom you not only find attractive, yet who is also a loyal and stable partner.

 

She will have to decide if she wants to wait a few years after her fertility expires in order to find true love, or, if she wants a family badly enough she will settle for an amazing guy without the chemistry.

 

If she is lucky she may find a decent partner who she is mildly attracted to and has alright chemistry with.

 

Very few people find a partner they are wildly attracted to.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't do it, no. For me, physical attraction and intimacy is important. I would not be able to sustain a long-term relationship without that initial spark or chemistry of some type.

[glimpse]

My friend married her high school sweet heart. The only boyfriend she ever had. Now they have a nice house, luxury cars, master's degrees, great careers, and a little boy. The whole package right? Last time we met up for dinner I was telling her how great she has it, on paper & in my head (arguably others view of "the whole package). Until she confessed to me how all that stuff are just materials (except her child). She told me she's spent numerous nights sleeping in the guest room and how they started to drift apart. She got married early and did everything by the book. I didn't want to tell her, but she didn't look happy. Sure she's satisfied (should be right?), but reaching that type of success shouldn't be described as only 'satisfactory.' Reminded me of the Notebook, how Allie's mom described the guy she loved who wasn't as successful as the guy she married.

[browneyes88]

The truth is, most people who genuinely want a loving, respectful, mutually beneficial and stable partnership that involve raising a family and having a mortgage together - they are not all that into each other or attracted to one another.

 

Sorry to say but most of us will not find a stable and loving relationship with a partner who we have fireworks with and feel wildly attracted to. It happens in the movies, or to... 1 out of 100 people or much much less.

 

Most people grow to feel attraction over time. They seek out a secure, stable provider/good mother and wife, and while they may initially find them cute or pretty, very few people are actually highly attracted to their partners from the get go/ from day one!

 

Personally, I would rather have a string of short term flings that don't last with men I feel the fireworks for and to remain single yet have other fulfilling things in life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most people are "meh whatever" about their future partners looks initially - they grow to find them attractive based on their character.

 

Sounds like the recipe for a sexless marriage.

 

From what I read, common, but usually one partner is unhappy with it.

[newmoon]

i think i wrote a long post on this recently since i am in a similar position. best friends for 3+ years and ZERO attraction/burning passion from my end. this guy is maybe a 0 in looks (to my eye) and i'll say i'm an average 7 or 8. i'm 5'10 and thin, he's 5'7 and not thin. but this man has always, 100% of the time, been there for me through thick and thin. his character is beyond reproach and he's loyal, extremely smart, has a career, etc. it's all there except the burning passion you think you need, right? well, at 39 i have had those relationships with burning passion and guess where they ended up? exactly. when i think about losing a parent, or a pet, or getting a promotion, or other exciting or sad news it is him i want to tell. because i know he will be there for me. he is supportive and caring. and it's - admittedly - an amazing feeling to have a guy dote on me to the extent he does. i don't deserve the kindness he offers. i have given him a chance to kiss me and mess about - no sex yet - and the chemistry was actually quite good. because instead of the burning passion, your heart actually feels happier, like you know the person truly cares for you and has shown that over time. my opinion: don't settle, but if you can accept "just good enough" in terms of looks you'd be ok. i honestly believe that. as long as he's doing everything else right - treating you good, motivated for family or whatever you want, etc. you can have ZERO burning passion and attraction, but you can't be repulsed by the looks either. you have to be ok with intimacy and kissing enough to not turn away, lol. i would 'try' it, because at this point it won't hurt a friendship that long. we kissed for the first time after 3 years and it was quite nice. i was surprised that someone who has zero appeal could arouse chemistry in me, but it comes from the realization that the man really loves you. so yeah, it's possible.

[J21]

Oh god, for the sake of the guy and yourself, please don't "settle" for this guy.

 

This guy seems like a good guy, he deserves someone that is truly into him.

 

It'll be a meaningless relationship, just a formal title because you couldn't find someone else

[Thegreatestthing]

Yea I say don't go through it,I'm so bored in my relationship atm I feel like I'm dying,but I really don't want to go back out "there" and I really don't want to lose the comfort and security he gives me.

[hildagnome]

Thanks for all the comments. Briefly, to all the questions. He's not ugly, and I hate talking about him like that because he is such a good friend that I am so, so fond of. It's just that I've never been attracted to him, I can't explain why. It's always been 100% platonic from day 1.

 

I guess my question is; what is this special relationship I / everyone is looking for? Ultimately we all like stability and companionship. Would it be better to go for an intelligent, confident, educated at a top school guy who has a great career and vibrant life? We could have a good life together... It's not like I'm desperate. I have options, I'm attractive, got a great social life, great career..I know guys like me all the time, but that's not the point. What is "it" that I'm looking for? Is it impossible to expect all / most of the qualities of this guy along with attraction? Is it better to have a great friendship with your partner, rather than this crazy attraction with someone who can't provide you with what you need in other parts of you life... - I mean intellectual, emotional, social as well financial.

 

I too would advise myself not to do it. And I have a funny feeling that when I go to stay with him (out of town) I won't be able to go through with it. All I'm wondering is that am I holding out for something that doesn't exist or is rare. I have a 38 year old friend who is beautiful, super well traveled, just a great person. And she's single, because she's looking for that elusive one. Last summer she turned down a hot doctor because she didn't get that "attraction" even though he was everything she was looking for. She's now approaching 40, childless, lonely a lot of the time because she (like me to date) made the decision to be alone rather than settle. Would it have been so bad if she'd settled with some stable guy a couple of years ago, had kids, had the home she wanted and had a life that suited her, even though it would be a bit boring. I know she's not happy on her own, and I think that is the human condition. We all need partner. So when do we accept defeat and go for Mr or Miss Amazing minus chemistry? If we don't go for him or her, what do we do instead? Just keep waiting and waiting?

[Blakely]

No! You will never be truly madly deeply in love with somebody you settle for. Wouldnt be fair to him either. You WILL eventually meet the right guy. Don't sell yourself short, just because you feel it's time to settle down.

[preraph]

Trust me, if your friend had married a doctor she wasn't in love with, she'd still be lonely.

 

It's like when I was looking for a house. The realtors just didn't understand why I didn't fall in love with everything they showed me. Kept telling me I'd never find what I wanted in the price range and neighborhoods I wanted. As soon as her contract was up, I made a swing through my preferred neighborhoods and saw a "for sale by owner," saw it the next day and knew it was my house before I'd even gotten halfway through it and made a deal right then and there, under budget.

 

You may not think you know what you want in a man, but you will once you meet him.

[Thegreatestthing]

I don't know if your soulmate etc Etc is going to show up,but yes facing the world alone is not easy,so it's a hard choice.

 

read the life of anais nin,she married mr stable guy who provided everything for her,then had her passionate affairs with Henry miller,who would not have been a good partner.

 

Eventually she found "the one" who she was Wiidly attracted to and who was a very good partner who she married.So it's possible.

 

But even then she never divorced her other stable husband,the two husbands didn't even know about each other!

[Lernaean_Hydra]

First, a quick history refresher. People entered into this sorts of arnagements since the dawn of time. The concept of romantic love between a man and wife was so foreign that the idea of "courtly love" - that is to say, having a romantic love for an affair partner in the place of ones spouse - was widely accepted until the 19th century or later. The idea was, you married for convenience, stability, prosperity and procreation and but your romantic affections went elsewhere. And that was an accepted reality for some.

 

So yes, it can and has been done for centuries but in all honesty, that sounds depressing as hell. However, it truly depends on what you and this friend of yours are genuinely expecting this union to look like. Are you hoping the attraction will grow and would you be okay if it didn't? Are you both willing to accept the reality that though you may never be attracted to one another, you will be bound for life regardless?

 

To me, this sounds like a recipe for failure, resentment and infidelity, but some people place higher value on the material/outside trappings of matrimony than what's within. If all you two want is a house, kids and someone to hang out with on weekends, sure, I guess you could pull it off and if you're truly on the same page I suppose you might even be able to call it successful.

[heartshaped]

People always make settling sound like the worst thing in the world.

 

I think most people "settle" in the end. Women especially because we're raised on fairy tales, knights in shining armor, romance novels, and romantic comedies. Note those are works of fiction and this is reality.

 

Sparks, chemistry, passion, being 'mad' about someone...I wonder sometimes if we don't confuse lust with liking and infatuation with love.

 

I've spent years on both sides of the coin with the man I was crazy attracted to and had extreme chemistry with at the start and with the man I wasn't attracted to initially.

 

It all gets you to the same place. Familiarity. And truth be told, it isn't such a bad place to be.

 

All attraction at that point seems to revolve around love. In the long run, they age, you age, they might lose their hair, gain weight/lose weight, their face seems 'older'...they don't look the same, but neither do you.

 

And even those freaky people who look the exact same five years later or ten years down the road, that crazy chemistry? It ebbs and flows. They're not all new and shiny now as their face becomes etched into your memory. But when you love the person it doesn't matter.

 

Love, I think in the end, trumps it all and is what you need to make a relationship successful and with (romantic) love comes attraction.

[Thegreatestthing]

I thought so too that it was a 19th century thing, but then you read really old African proverbs like"Our love is like the misty rain that falls softly, but floods the river" and you read ancient irish,Greek etc mythologies and there full of love stories,it's ages old.

 

 

First, a quick history refresher. People entered into this sorts of arnagements since the dawn of time. The concept of romantic love between a man and wife was so foreign that the idea of "courtly love" - that is to say, having a romantic love for an affair partner in the place of ones spouse - was widely accepted until the 19th century or later. The idea was, you married for convenience, stability, prosperity and procreation and but your romantic affections went elsewhere. And that was an accepted reality for some.

 

So yes, it can and has been done for centuries but in all honesty, that sounds depressing as hell. However, it truly depends on what you and this friend of yours are genuinely expecting this union to look like. Are you hoping the attraction will grow and would you be okay if it didn't? Are you both willing to accept the reality that though you may never be attracted to one another, you will be bound for life regardless?

 

To me, this sounds like a recipe for failure, resentment and infidelity, but some people place higher value on the material/outside trappings of matrimony than what's within. If all you two want is a house, kids and someone to hang out with on weekends, sure, I guess you could pull it off and if you're truly on the same page I suppose you might even be able to call it successful.

[irc333]

There are some points here. Though, the common answer is "No, don't do it because if you're not physically attracted to him. It just won't work."

 

Thing is, relationships where there IS an attraction , plenty of those didn't work...right?

 

So perhaps this would be a "spin" on things.

 

People always make settling sound like the worst thing in the world.

 

Which brings me to the next point....

 

There's an author out there that was on the TODAY SHOW

 

Why it?s OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough - today > health - today > health > relationships - TODAY.com

 

Its a good read/watch.

 

The truth is, most people who genuinely want a loving, respectful, mutually beneficial and stable partnership that involve raising a family and having a mortgage together - they are not all that into each other or attracted to one another.

 

Sorry to say but most of us will not find a stable and loving relationship with a partner who we have fireworks with and feel wildly attracted to. It happens in the movies, or to... 1 out of 100 people or much much less.

 

Most people grow to feel attraction over time. They seek out a secure, stable provider/good mother and wife, and while they may initially find them cute or pretty, very few people are actually highly attracted to their partners from the get go/ from day one!

 

Personally, I would rather have a string of short term flings that don't last with men I feel the fireworks for and to remain single yet have other fulfilling things in life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most people are "meh whatever" about their future partners looks initially - they grow to find them attractive based on their character.