lucy1822 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Hi guys - I'm new to loveshack. I'm actually in a really awful situation at the moment and could do with some help. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We haven't got a perfect relationship (but who has) but right now it's AWFUL. And it's all my fault. I'm too clingy and he can't handle it any more. He's being smothered by me and he's totally pulling away. He now wants me to take some space and time out to start to love myself again, after all you can't be in a loving relationship if you don't love yourself first, right? However he doesn't think I'm capable of taking time out. He said he doesn't want to give me false hope that our relationship will be amazing in a few weeks... Because he thinks I will still be clingy. He's very unhappy with me and I can tell that I'm upsetting him because I just can't leave him alone. I suppose it's really good I can admit all of this - but I desperately need some advice (I want to prove my boyfriend wrong and NOT BE CLINGY!!) I mean surely if he didn't want to be with me, he would of said by now? - this is my last chance He will DEFINITELY be annoyed if I text him - but what if I didn't text him for a few days, just a few days of no contact, is that ok? Would he be annoyed that I didn't make an effort? Or would he be pleased I'm actually taking what he wants seriously. I'm 20 and he is 22, he's not my first boyfriend but believe it or not I'm his first girlfriend, I think he really struggles with how intense our relationship can be, this isn't the first time he's asked for space. I'm not lonely, but I am hurt he doesn't want to spend time with me at the moment. He doesn't think I'm capable of being independent and not pestering him by texting and calling and asking to see him and wanting to be with him all the time. Which actually insults me... You can do anything if you put your mind to it! My question is though - he must believe I can go off and take some space and come back when I'm ready? Otherwise he would of broke up with me, right? He says he loves me but he can't be around me at the moment because I'm just not in the right frame of mind for our relationship, he wants me to love myself first before I can begin to love him again. What should I do? Do I text him? Or should I leave it for a couple of days? I HAVE to do this for me but I also have to prove to him that I can be independent and not some needy clingy girlfriend. I'm just worried that if I go off and do my own thing without having contact with him, that he wont miss me. Totally waffling on now, but any advice would be amazing. - lucy1822
OwMyEyeball Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Well that's a pickle Ultimately, you'll need to get to the bottom of the "clinginess" to determine what you should do next. Sometimes that kind of behaviour is driven by early childhood bonding experiences (or lack thereof) while other times it's spurred later on in life by a traumatic events. What you're describing in your post is a powerful need for external validation. You want him to miss you, want him to want to be with you and so on. In other words, for you to feel complete and at peace, you need his presence and implicit acceptance of you. That's a pretty heavy responsibility to put onto anyone; even those who care deeply for you. If you've had an ongoing sense of agitation, boredom, anxiety, irritability and/or guilt in the absence of your primary relationship then that points to a deeper issue that will take some time and guidance to work through. Don't let that scare you - it's entirely resolvable. You'll come out of the process in much better spirits and as a more resilient person. Typically I advise counseling. Not because there's something "wrong" with you and not with the belief that you'll need to spend years on a shrink's couch. In a lot of cases it's just a matter of guiding you to understand yourself a bit better, see patterns that you may not have realized were there before and create a slight shift in your self-perception that allows you to make positive changes to an issue you've already identified (the biggest step) which is a intense craving for someone else's "OK". There's nothing wrong with wanting that, but as you're experiencing it can be pretty miserable when that sensation is chronic and gives a sense of immense unease. Other than counseling, mindfulness meditation practice could also help ease those urges and ground you more into yourself. 2
GemmaUK Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I've been on the other side of this so maybe I can explain some of how he is feeling. One difference is that it put a staller on things for me as it all really started just right at the time when I was falling for him. I would need more input from you though. What kind of things do you text/call him about? How often? How often do you see him? What are both of your lives like in terms of responsibilities and free time and also me time (which is something we all need to rejuvenate) Counselling might be a good plan if you have a need to get little gripes off your mind (as well as the bigger stuff obviously) but there are webchat sites and free phone lines where you can get to just get things off your chest (if it's that kind of thing you text/call him about that is). 2
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Do you have hobbies or interests besides him? Throw yourself into them. Post some stuff to your social media to show that you can fill your day without him & let him come back to you. If he doesn't let him go because he was looking for a way out anyway.
Lady2163 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 As an uninformed anonymous internet poster, here is what struck me about your post. 1) it is all about you and what you want. Find out (uh after the break) what he wants. Does he want to end things with you? 2). After the break....you have to talk in person about this. 3) A break shouldn't last very long at all. If he goes more than a week, you need to let him go....and this is why. If a man can go a week without contacting you, he doesn't love you or want you in his life. Geez, I wanted to hear about my friends day and he wanted to hear about mine. We never worried about who called whom and how often. 4) Warning bells are sounding for me. I have an exboyfriend who on,y wanted to talk to me (this was before texting and email) once a day. Everytime I tried to get him to commit to a time, he would hem and haw, invariably, I would get a three minute phone call, with him starting off, "I am two minutes away from bed" Of course, he was seeing another woman.....but the bottom line from what I've read of your post is: He's just not that into you. That has become a mantra for me and is a great quick read if you get a chance to look at the book.
preraph Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 (edited) Gosh, this is so easy and obvious. Stop texting him. Period. Do as Donnivain says and don't make him your only hobby. Get a separate life. Don't ever text him just to "say hi" or for no good reason ever again. I disagree what not seeing or hearing from someone for a week means they're not into you. To me, it means they have a busy life, too busy to have someone they have to account to for every moment of their time. Edited November 13, 2014 by preraph 1
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