Do distractions work?

[i c e queen]

Has anyone (be it dumper/dumpee) used distractions such as working longer hours, partying till late etc to heal from a break up?

 

How was it like? Was it useful?

 

Thanks for sharing

[AaronSG]

Distractions have been the "corner stone" to the key that is making my recovery from my breakup possible.

 

Distractions, regardless of what they might be, have at times helped pull me through some real troubled spots, and yes, to answer your question, at least for me, about 80% of the time, distractions work for me.

 

The distractions that have helped me get my ex-fiance off my mind, or at least lessened the thoughts are such things like....

 

1. Taking long walks, draining myself of some energy, energy that therefore can't be used to dig up memory's or make me think solely about her.

 

2. Making a phone call, through my recovery process being in contact to the people that mean the most to me has been a life saver. If the memory of her is coming on strong, it's sometimes needed to pick up the phone and call someone, as so they can help try to get your mind off of it.

 

3. Clean the house, I've found that if I'm "hip deep" in some memory's or the thoughts of her are coming on strong again, I'll sometime dive into some house cleaning. Dusting, glass cleaning, doing dishes, sweeping the floors, vacuuming, air deodorizing, cleaning the toilet ect. ect. ect. Sometimes just focusing on a small task and setting micro goals while doing so can help. Example, "I won't think about my ex in the amount of time it takes for me to wipe off this counter top"! So I mentally block her, go about doing the counter top, when done, she might start creeping in again, and that's when I set another micro goal for myself. "Okay Aaron, don't think about her for as long as it takes to vacuum the house"! Doing this has helped, for sometimes after the 2-3 hours it takes to get the house done, I'm sometimes to tired to think about her or anything else, so sometimes it's "mission accomplished"!

 

4. Read, Sometimes distracting myself with a good book has helped. If you choose reading as a form of personal distraction be warned, NO romance novels, no love books and looking at old photo albums with pictures of your ex in them doesn't count towards being a "picture book"! Self help books have helped me a little, especially ones that are based upon how to build successful future relationships.

 

5. Support Groups, this has been a real life saver, when it comes to trying to rid myself of my failed relationship past and in the process has helped me start becoming a better person. support groups is a corner stone of my recover, at first I didn't want to do anything after my ex left, nothing, no nothing, but I knew that turning into a hermit would be unproductive. So I went on-line and found some local support groups and joined some. I knew that this would give me something to get out of the house for, force me to get back out in the public again, meet new people and be able through the groups to work out my problems, it's a "win/win" all around.

 

6. Hanging out with friends & family, this has been one super duper life saver. For me, the ones most dearest to me already know my situation, they know we don;t have to talk about it anymore. When I'm with them they act kind of like a filter of my thoughts. If they notice I'm possibly starting to maybe ramble a little about my ex, or start talking about the breakup, they know very quickly to distract me by changing the subject at lightning speeds. They get me to think about something different, in some cases something new. I cherish them for this, helping me get by during a trying time in my life, and the company is nice as well.

 

7. Removing the past, In the first 2-3 weeks after my ex-fiance departed, I went into some action, per information I've read here and other places, about going through the motions of removing all items that were linked or tied to my ex! So within the first 2-3 weeks this gave me something to do, it could be looked at as a "mild distraction", but going through the motions of removing and or storing items linked to my ex helped me. For a while it gave me something to focus on, plus while doing so it helped make me feel that I was kind of taking back my space. All the old love notes and greeting card got boxed up and given to a family member, as to get them out of my home, with telling that family member that they should only give the box back to me at some point in the future when they think I can handle it. All the images ever taken of my ex-fiance got transfered to a USB flash drive, all 915 of them, once the transfer was complete, both my camera and my smart phones image file folders inside the devices got formatted and wiped. All images on my computer after the transfer got deleted, I gave that flash drive to a good friend and told him to not give it back to me for one year. Going about deleting my Facebook account, my Twitter account, my Instagram account, and moderating my Google+ account helped give some distracting things to do. You get the picture, all items the my ex left and or got for me either got donated, given away, stored outside my home, or just simply tossed into the dumpster. But doing all this sort of stuff, at least for me was mildly distracting.

 

8. Pets, if one has animals, such as cat's or dogs or whatever, sometimes hanging out with my two cat's helped create a small distraction from my breakup thoughts. Sometimes simply busting out a small bag of kitty cat treats and giving them to my two little girls helped take my mind off things. Plus seeing them go ape sh*t with happiness due to getting treats helped.

 

9. LoveShack & other like web sites, Coming to places such as LoveShack at times has been a good distraction. It has helped me add onto what I do in my support groups, kind of an extension of my group therapy to come to places like this and contribute what I can to possibly help others. Also at times reading other people's posts about their breakup situations has helped. Sometimes while reading other peoples information here, at times, makes me think "whoa, Aaron, you think you had it bad, this poor person your reading about had it far worse"! Sometimes reading other people's plights can assist in not only pulling my head out of my a** and making me realize that I'm not the only one on the planet going through such things. But during the reading it helps pull me outside myself, as to not think to much about any of my own thoughts and memory's, it distracts me enough to get outside of myself for a couple moments.

 

Well that's pretty much the bulk as far as my own personal "distractions" that have helped me. I'm sure others will chime in as to assist you further with this.

 

Hoped this helped.......

[evanescentworld]

No.

In my opinion, anything that really helps is an alternative activity, one carries out for the sake of the activity, not to mask the pain.

 

You seek to replace, not distract.

 

If you have toothache, and you do something to distract you, the pain is still there, once the distraction is exhausted.

You need to replace that pain. You need to do something that will successfully alleviate the discomfort, because it's a better option and improves you.

 

You need to do things which leave you feeling "well that was good - and gracious, I never thought about him/her at all!" rather than "Well ok I'm doing this, but I still miss them, and I wish they were doing this with me - !"

[Brimstone]

No.

I spent most of the first year after my last breakup working myself to death.

Into year two I cut down on working and the bad feelings hit me hard.

 

In alot of cases you're just delaying the feelings after a breakup.

Only just now(around 2 year mark) I can say that I'm moving on, and know in my heart that it's true.

 

my 2¢.

[i c e queen]

No.

I spent most of the first year after my last breakup working myself to death.

Into year two I cut down on working and the bad feelings hit me hard.

 

In alot of cases you're just delaying the feelings after a breakup.

Only just now(around 2 year mark) I can say that I'm moving on, and know in my heart that it's true.

 

my 2¢.

 

Do you mean aft cutting down work u realised u still missed your ex terribly?

[evanescentworld]

No. The void was always there, gnawing, in the background, but when he stopped looking to the distraction, the pain intensified.

[Drandazzo]

No. In my opinion distractions definitely do not work, it's been over 6 weeks, I have done everything for getting the near perfect body back, to going on 3 dates, getting laid... But still thinking of my ex... In other words you need to sit it out and take time...

[Brimstone]

Do you mean aft cutting down work u realised u still missed your ex terribly?

 

Correct.

 

 

If I could start at day 1 after the breakup, I would hit the gym hard and go home and cry.

[glimpse]

Yes, it is called Differential Reinforcement of Alternative Behavior (DRA). There is also Differential Reinforcement of Incompatible Behavior (DRI). Behavior therapy techniques that work well and supported with scientific data. Look into it.

Basically, find a new 'behavior' to replace your previous behavior that is now unhealthy or discontinued.

Spend time for yourself, whether catching up with friends or improving yourself by learning something new. Take classes for archery, martial arts, photography, spend time jogging at the beach. Do not develop a habit of getting inebriated daily. It's fine to wallow for a couple of weeks, but pick yourself back up and improve as a person. When (and you will) find yourself missing your ex, don't fight it and don't let it take over. Just acknowledge that it's normal and keep moving forward. Over time, those moments will fade along with the feelings you thought you would always have.

[i c e queen]

thanks guys, really appreciate the replies.

 

i can never understand how distractions work because i dont even have the energy to distract myself.

 

i guess maybe after the distractions are cut down, the pain intensified because over time the negativity from the break up just died down so the ex is on a pedestal again?

[Arient]

I kind of agree with Aaron up there, and isn't it hard to really differentiate between "distractions" and "replacement activities"? For my case, I did all the distractions during the earlier phase of my BU, and some of them became the replacement activities later on. So I think at least we should try to drag ourselves out there to try, if you don't like some activities, stop them, if they feel not too bad, give it a few more tries. You can not say that distractions are useless, because who the hell knows if distractions will forever be just distractions. You can spoil yourself at the earlier phase of the BU, to just feel the pain and proceed it, but set a "deadline" and make healing an active process instead Reclaim yourself, build up your confidence again