Being played?

[jbear0111]

From an outsiders point of view what would you say to me if I told you these which occurred within 1 year of meeting a girl I thought was going to be the one!

 

1) Telling me she'd only move to my town (30 miles apart) if I put a ring on her finger

 

2) Reneging on that,saying she will not move and I'd have to move to her town beacuse she didnt want to take her daughter out of school

 

3) telling me that she was afraid my daughter (8 years)would turn on hers (6 years) when we lived together

 

4) Giving me ultimatums as to when she wanted me to move in

 

5) Having her daughter accidentally call me after we'd had a fall out asking when am I coming round

 

6) accidentally sending me texts meant for her friends saying how much she loves me and all she wants is for me to move in and get on with our lives together

 

7) after breaking up (again),been told she was on a dating site a week later.When I pulled her up about it she said,she'd taken bad advice and had only been on the site the once,despite the site saying "online today"

 

8) Liking everyones comment on a FB pic of hers......apart from mine

 

9) Telling me her previous ex was still texting her,6 months into our relationship saying he misses her still and asking me whether she should block him

 

10) telling me that her mum needed reassurance that I was commited to her

 

These just some that I can remember and have to say I was getting the feeling I was being played but was so into her,she was like an addiction that I couldnt give up despite knowing the relationship was so volatile at times.

As with others,I over romnticize the good times and pedestal her when I know I should try and move on

I'm not looking for sympathy,just help on getting through this crap.

 

Thanks

[Strength in Healing]

You already know what an outsider would think, as it's the same as you are thinking. Now follow through with it.

[mammasita]

You don't sound like you were being played, she sounds effing crazy.....looney tunes.

[LifeNomad]

she sounds like shes not sure of herself and as if she needs that extra reassurance.

[dumbass2]

Stay the F away from this woman!

 

Ok, that is my emotional first response after reading that crap because I can relate to a lot of it.

 

Now for the calmer response

 

I was addicted to my ex girlfriend. Put her on a pedestal. I still have feelings for her, but after finally going over 3 months of absolutely no contact with her I was able to move forward and start being happy with out her. She recently contacted me and my feelings are different now. I don't NEED her any more.

 

You should stay away from contact for months and see how you feel down the road. Your feelings will change, but you have to try and do other things and think less and less about her. I've been fortunate to have a few close friends to talk to along the way. I had some of those same feelings about my ex and playing games and I finally decided I want no part of it. You need to do the same. We are only hurting ourselves and giving them unnecessary control over us by staying in contact and continuing to put them on a pedestal. You must do this for you. You cannot get back with this woman any time soon and my feeling in what you have said is that she is who she is and that is not going to change. You control you and you cannot control who she is. She will not change unless she wants to and she wont if you're still hanging around. She is not suffering any consequences of her actions because you are still there, so she thinks what she does is ok and will keep doing it. If you just accept how she acts, you are disrespecting yourself and she will jump all over it.

 

That's my 2 cents from what I've learned recently.

 

Good luck

[Arieswoman]

jbear0111,

I'm sorry, but she sounds unstable. Run away. Now.

[irresolute]

Run. She might have a personality disorder, borderline perhaps. No, you not being played. Shes plainly crazy.

[jbear0111]

Thanks for all your responses guys,i knew wot i should be doing but i was so into her i couldnt process it. Dumbass2,i so need to do what you did.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know about played but definitely manipulated.

[Downtown]

What would you say to me if I told you these which occurred within 1 year of meeting a girl?

JBear, I agree with Aries and other respondents that you're describing emotionally unstable behavior. I also agree with Irresolute that you seem to be describing several warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW apparently has.

 

I am going to see a therapist at weekend as like you, i'm over analyzing everything over and over and can't get her out of my head.

Seeing a therapist (ideally, a psychologist) is a wise move, given how upset you are. It is important to obtain a candid, professional opinion on what you and your daughter have been dealing with. Moreover, I suggest that, while you're waiting for your appointment, you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. Take care, JBear.

[jbear0111]

Thanks Downtown,read the BPD post with interest and much resonation.

 

I am sure she would fall into most of those categories and reading some of your other posts,the push - pull effect seemed constant throughout too.

 

I was walking on eggshells around her over the last 6 months or so and everything seemed to come with condition.

 

I walked away on numerous occasions but the texts would always come,how she wanted a life with me,wanted to be my wife,my soul mate and couldnt be without me.I'd return and then the cycle would begin again unless I did what she wanted.

 

I felt absolutley destroyed when she eventually walked out and as you say splitting black but I am gradually putting my life back together.

 

One question,would she bee immune to emotion after the break.

 

She always reminded me that after her 2 previous break ups she simply cut them out and buried everything inside her becuase thats how she coped.................despite also reminding me she was still getting texts from one of them

[dumbass2]

Thanks for all your responses guys,i knew wot i should be doing but i was so into her i couldnt process it. Dumbass2,i so need to do what you did.

 

#1 Finally stop playing her games. It takes two to play and when you finally gain your respect back, you don't tolerate it, no matter who it is.

 

I surrounded myself with just a couple of my closest friends (one married, one single and dating) to talk about it and also made the decision that I need some professional counseling. I got a lot of good advice on here but had to make some mistakes myself in order to learn from it. I did keep a lot inside and did not share most of how I was feeling with my ex. I'm sure she knew that it would be difficult for me, though I did come off like I was good with it and only had one minor lapse in judgement with a letter I sent weeks after the break up. I took a lot of her post relationship communication as playing games. I finally went 3 months of NC (it was hard and i kept thinking about her) and she contacted me recently. We went back on forth on texts and she appeared to be testing me a bit and it felt a little like game playing so I stopped playing it and stopped responding. She finally started communicating in a positive none playing way so we ended up meeting for lunch. I am in a better place. I did not pry into her personal life and did not come off needy. I did not have a bunch of questions for her. I did not bring up the relationship. It was a nice lunch and she was fairly flirty (I wasn't) and reminisced a lot. We agreed we may see each again sometime. We made no date. i did not call or text her the next day (something I would have done in the past). She did text me again a few days ago saying it was nice to see me again. I did text her back and told her the same. I got past all the questions I used to have about the relationship and things after the break up. That is the past. I can forgive, but not forget, but I have put that relationship behind me and she has sensed that. We did have a good time at the lunch.

 

I am now mirroring what she does in text and other communication. In other words, if she texts me something vague, I might do the same back. If she asks me something specific, I will responds with specifics. If I want to send her a text asking something, I will not send another text unless she responds. I am not chasing her, but I wouldn't mind doing something with her again, but I have to see that this is mutual and not one sided with me doing all the work.

 

We both said that we are dating someone and it is not serious.

 

You cannot be in contact with your ex that dumped you unless you are in a place where you have the feeling that you DO NOT NEED HER any more. You have to be in a place where it doesn't matter and that you are happy with where you are at in your life. If you still have the "need" then do not contact her and stay the hell away. If you start conversing at all, try to pick up on things that may have really bugged you and if you sense she is the same as always and can't change, then cut it off and go back to strict NC and move on for good. I think my ex has sensed by my actions after 3 months of NC and the way I have acted during text and lunch, that I no longer "need" her and that I won't play games.

 

Remember again because this is important, if you think your ex is playing games, either call her out or just stop playing. It takes 2 to play the games, so if you are tolerating it, then it is your fault and only you can stop the games.

Edited November 14, 2014 by dumbass2

[dumbass2]

After thinking about this a little more I have this thought about "playing games"

 

I don't think your ex is playing games with you. I believe you are thinking that because she is behaving in a way that you do not understand. She sounds like she has some issues she will need to get addressed. She seems to be consistent on how she is behaving and it is in a way that you find unacceptable, as most of us would.

 

Again, I don't think it is playing games and I also don't think my ex was/is playing games. It is just who they are, at least at this time. You accept that behavior or you don't. That is up to you. That person may not change their behavior unless they start to find that something/someone that they want is not tolerating that behavior. I think it is playing games if they start acting in a way that is unusual to their typical behavior in order to achieve a goal that they want.

 

I am not a psychologist nor do I play one on TV

[Chi townD]

Dude, this chick doesn't have baggage, she's got steamer trunks. Move on dude!

[Downtown]

Would she been immune to emotion after the break? After her 2 previous break ups she simply cut them out and buried everything inside her.

JBear, if she has strong BPD traits, she is so emotionally unstable that nobody can predict her behavior following a particular breakup. Perhaps she's split you black permanently. Perhaps not.

 

I can say, however, that BPDers typically go through several breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending the relationship permanently. A recent BPDfamily survey found that 75% of such relationships went through at least three full breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. It also found that 38% of the couples did 6 or more cycles -- and 22% did 10 or more cycles -- before breaking up for good. See BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Survey

[mtnbiker3000]

Run, don't walk, to your nearest exit... This broad is psycho!!!! What is your upside??