Maxie Max Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I have reason to believe that my boyfriend discovered that he has a son. It would be at least a couple of weeks that he has known. The little boy is older than the duration of our relationship. My issue is that he has yet to say anything about this to me. This would mean he was approached by an ex about the paternity of a child, a dna test was likely conducted and he has found that he has a child. This is a very big deal that impacts both of our lives because we are in a serious relationship. This child will require time and finance commitment from him, which affects our relationship. This type of thing could even alter if we would be able to afford a child of our own in the future. It almost changes our situation. It's unreal that he hasn't said anything so big and I don't understand why. At the same time, I'm trying to give him time to tell me. But, how long should I wait before confronting him?
Redhead14 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I have reason to believe that my boyfriend discovered that he has a son. It would be at least a couple of weeks that he has known. The little boy is older than the duration of our relationship. My issue is that he has yet to say anything about this to me. This would mean he was approached by an ex about the paternity of a child, a dna test was likely conducted and he has found that he has a child. This is a very big deal that impacts both of our lives because we are in a serious relationship. This child will require time and finance commitment from him, which affects our relationship. This type of thing could even alter if we would be able to afford a child of our own in the future. It almost changes our situation. It's unreal that he hasn't said anything so big and I don't understand why. At the same time, I'm trying to give him time to tell me. But, how long should I wait before confronting him? HOw did you find out if he didn't tell you? If you found out by some kind of snooping or someone told you in confidence, you should leave it alone until the situation becomes a significant issue for you both. If none of the above, I would wait until he decides you need to know. If he continues to hide it and is making payments, etc. behind your back, then the situation must be addressed by you. This is a huge thing for him, I am sure. He needs time to process it in his head and consider what it means to him and you. You could at some quiet point say something like, I sense that something is wrong, if you'd like to talk about it, I'm willing to listen. Do not be confrontational. Allow him to feel comfortable and unthreatened to discuss it with you.
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 It depends on the length of the relationship. If you have been together less than 6 months, it's none of your business. Then again neither is how much he makes, his deepest fear or his secret fetish. He'll tell you in good time. If my husband learned something like this, I would expect to be his 1st phone call. 2
Author Maxie Max Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 We’ve been together for almost 2 years. I wasn’t exactly snooping but I crossed a picture of him and the boy from where he has taken the liberty to meet him. There was dialogue about one of his relatives wanting to meet the boy. That’s all I have.
Redhead14 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 We’ve been together for almost 2 years. I wasn’t exactly snooping but I crossed a picture of him and the boy from where he has taken the liberty to meet him. There was dialogue about one of his relatives wanting to meet the boy. That’s all I have. Maxie, I'd give it a little more time for him to get his mind around this. Like I said, if you get to a point where you can't deal with it anymore, you need to address it with him in a non-confrontational, non-threating environment. I doubt he would be able to keep it to himself very long if he is truly invested in your relationship. If you trust him overall, you know he will come to you. If he has breached your trust in the past, then you may have to push this. Wait it out a bit.
Author Maxie Max Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 He has been on edge and short tempered recently and this explains it, I think. I trust him overall and will give him some time to think on it more. I just keep thinking of someone coming to him about a child, a test being conducted, receiving life changing results and nothing being said to me about any of it.
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 At the two year mark, you can ask. I wouldn't confront him but I would start a dialogue. Two years in you are entitled to know if he has dependents.
Redhead14 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 He has been on edge and short tempered recently and this explains it, I think. I trust him overall and will give him some time to think on it more. I just keep thinking of someone coming to him about a child, a test being conducted, receiving life changing results and nothing being said to me about any of it. Yes, being on edge and short-tempered -- this man needs space. I don't mean distance yourself. I mean give him psychological space. Let him deal with this HIS way. This really is HIS problem to deal with in the way that he is comfortable with. You two are not married and he does not have to include you in anything so potentially life changing unless or until it does has a direct impact on the two of you as a couple.
Author Maxie Max Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 I feel entitled to the information, but I will give him space on the matter. Plus, I would hate to be misinformed. I've gotten into trouble before with he said/she said.
333unsure Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Instead of confronting him with what you think you (might) know, why not instead ask him when it might be a good time for the two of you to talk, or approach him when you believe he is in a good frame of mind and has some time. When you talk, you can gently let him know that you care about him and have noticed he's been a little on edge, and you're wondering if there's something you can do to support him. I wouldn't push. And you can let him know you're there for him if there's something he does want or need to talk about. Just, basically, letting him know you've noticed and offering some low-pressure, unconditional support. Then even if he's not ready to open up at that moment, he'll remember that and be more comfortable broaching the subject when he is ready. And you've avoided being accusatory, intrusive, or pushy.
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