Made eye contact with my ex..back to square 1..and feel so low

[OK_computer]

Almost 10 months, NC...I know what you all are thinking..its been long enought to get over her...but I see her almost every damn day..no i see her EVERYDAY. I feel that 10 months is a drop in the bucket. I realized one thing today, almost as i wanted to break out in tears (which isn't exactly a something I want to feel considering i'm a pretty masculine dude)

 

TODAY:

 

I was sitting the library..we both look at each other..the second I come into the library...she puts her head down...closes the book..and then goes to sit with one of her friends. She does this whenever she sees me, she stops reading and does something else. Makes it a point to walk by me 2x today...while I'm reading..she does this too often. But today I just couldn't help but notice her, she looked so beautiful...I crumbled. I made a slight look at her, and she was looking at me from a far. I got up and left to go to class. I go to class and sit down, she walks in 10 mins later and the first person she looks at is me.. and we were maybe 3 ft away from each other and we really connected eyes today..after 10 months..like for 3 seconds...I was glaring at her..as that's what my body was feeling. She glared back. Uptil now it was only glances that were obligatory/incidental...but today we really made eye contact. Then I got overwhelmed with emotions.

 

I was thinking about her..the good times...the bad times (most of which totaled our RS)..and out final fight. I couldn't get what she said out of my head..even now..i play back that fight in my head. Things ended so terribly. Then i see her go off and start talking to all these guys...they're all touching her, she starts shouting loud enough so I can hear. I keep my cool, keep composed..and after class i jet in my car to go home..on the way I passed her walking..

 

 

I realized:

 

1. I'm still not over her

2. I'm not ready to make amends and become 'casual' friends with her as some exes can be,

3. I can't take seeing her with other guys, when I wish I was that guy

4. But i still hate her...i really do..for all the pain she caused

 

Do I affect her also, you guys think? I wonder if she also hates me. I sometimes think If i can patch things up..to be on good terms..maybe that will help me heal..but then again the feelings may resurface to a higher degree then. IDK. 4 years oaoa. I feel the NC hasn't helped me as much as it should have...I feel like I let myself down...

[Magnet]

First of all, you need to stop going the same places as she does, or minimising eye contact. You're not helping yourself. Help yourself to help yourself.

 

I see my ex every day but I choose to look somewhere else when I bump into her or when I pass her in the corridor. I choose to ignore her when she brushes past me at the work parties.

 

I'm not ready and I may never be. That isn't and shouldn't be my concern. My concern is guarding myself to be the best person I can be for others who I can trust.

 

Second, you know how you feel. That's natural. That's fine. What isn't cool is wondering if you affect her. That alone means she is affecting you more than you affect her.

 

Third, her behaviour speaks volumes. She's with other guys. Let her. LET HER DO WHAT THE HELL SHE WANTS TO DO.

 

Surrender to it. You can't stop it. Embrace the reality of it. Feel the pain. But don't antagonise yourself. You're your own best friend.

 

Chin up lad, I'm in the same boat as you.

[LifeNomad]

just remember its ok to still think about her and be in love with her and feel crappy, it just depends on what you show. Keep being strong.

[irresolute]

Ok computer, please move on. It seems like you are playing games: i look at her, she doesnt but she avoids me, then i avoid her but she looks at me in the eyes...

 

Hey, its evident to her youre still in love. Just stop looking at her like a sad puppy and regain control of your life. You need to get to a point where her presence doesnt botter you at all.