rapideye Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Background: My BF and I are both previously married (he's separated, I'm divorced). His marriage ended because his wife was regularly cheating (their friends knew and said nothing to him, making it worse), mine ended because I was unhappy and had an emotional affair (really stupid mistake, and I regret doing it). Needless to say we both have trust issues. We do, however, talk about this stuff, and are generally very careful with each other's feelings, and work hard to not do things that may trigger each other's insecurity. We've been together about 5 months. Recently, he attended a birthday party for a friend (who is also friends with his ex). There was a mutual friend there, H, who was very drunk, and with whom he had pretty normal conversation, and not much of it. When he was leaving, he saw that she had texted him, "I want to hook up with you. " He said that he had a couple of base reactions: one was excitement/temptation, and the other was to tell her husband about what she had just done. He'll have to see this person periodically at kids birthday parties and such, so he wanted to handle it very carefully. He ended up politely declining. But he also wanted to talk to her about it, and give her a "wake up call" by telling her how his marriage ended, and how she really needs to work this out with her husband. So then a week or so later, they FB chatted about it, and he said he wasn't interested, and it wasn't her but the situation, and he coaxed out of her what problems were happening at home. The way he left it was that they'll be friends, and he told me he didn't want to "shut her out." I'm bothered by how this was handled for several reasons. First, this isn't someone who is a close friend. I'm worried about why he is leaving this door open. If it were me, I would not have engaged her in this manner and encouaged future contact. (He said he does plan to keep future messages light and fluffy, so she doesn't mistake him for someone she can turn to). But because he did feel a surge of excitement when she propositioned him, i feel like that's reason enough for a self-aware person to decide not to keep in touch. I guess I'm not sure i trust his judgment more than anything else. It's not that I feel he's going to deceive me, but more that he's deceiving himself about wanting to keep her in his life, which will ultimately lead to trouble. I need to talk to him about it but without making him feel bad or issuing any ultimatum. Any advice? Am I overreacting?
Day.One Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 From what you've written, It seems like he's being a good guy. He's been (from what you've said) completely honest and transparent with you about the communications with this lady. He's also trying to help her get her head straight. You've expressed concerns about this turning into an EA. Given your past, I can see why. But perhaps you're projecting your past onto his current situation. Look at it this way perhaps. Non of us on LS are 'close friends', several of us are in married or partnered situations, but we try and help and advise other LS'ers out. Should we not help out strangers "just in case"? However, having said that, she does seem to be pursuing him. Talk to your guy, express your concerns. I think he's done all he can to help her. He should respect your fears, explain it to her that he's done all he can, in one last PM, then go NC on her. If she pursues him, then her Husband needs to be informed.
Author rapideye Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Thanks for the reply. I voiced my concerns this morning, and tried to take care to say that I know I'm viewing this situation in the way that I am partly due to my own baggage. He said he didn't want to risk losing the social circle she's part of by being rude to her. I told him I wasn't suggesting that he be unfriendly or ignore her if they're thrown together at events, but rather that I didn't understand the need for him to leave the door open for her to message him, and engage her on that level- and that if someone had overtly told me they wanted to be physical with me, I wouldn't message with them. He reiterated (from what he'd said last night) that he wasn't going to initiate contact, and that if he had to reply to her messages, he'd keep it light. He also conveyed that he was serious about not letting her get away with cheating if she seemed to be trying that again, and that he'd tell her husband, and that he didn't want to mess things up with me.
Day.One Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Yup. Seems to me like he's a good guy. He's been clear with her, and honest with you. Many people would kill for that level of transparency. But make it clear to him that your fear is painting an image that may cause a problem down the road. And that if it comes to it, he may have to make a choice. Though by the sounds of it, he won't have to think twice! Good luck! 1
GoBlue Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Thanks for the question rapideye - I have a couple concerns: First, you said that you were both "previously married" but that you are divorced and he is "separated." A separation is not divorced and it doesn't mean "previously" married but "currently" married. I understand his circumstances and in no way suggest that he should put up with that behavior from his wife, but he is not single. There is a reason that both of you have trust issues and moving from a marriage into another intimate relationship so soon does not give you an opportunity to work on your own individual issues. I am a man and applaud that he was honest and upfront with you. The fact that he experienced a surge of excitement and temptation is not unusual but continuing a relationship would be problematic for me. Open and honest communication is always best. Getting some good professional counseling could be beneficial as well. I hope it all works out. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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