If someone has turned you down, will you ever try pursuing them again?

[the_entertainer1]

I'm pretty sure that this guy, a friend of mine, likes me. Six months ago we went out for drinks and he was flirtatious and quite sexually suggestive. He was seeing someone though, so I just sort of humoured him without explicitly addressing the issue (to avoid awkwardness).

 

We didn't see each other for a while, but have recently run into each other on a couple of occasions. Both times, he's been quite platonic around me and there's been a bit of an awkward vibe. He asked if I was seeing anyone though, and when I said I wasn't, he said that I should be.

 

I was near his work this afternoon and had a bit of time to kill, so I called him to see if he wanted to catch up for an ice-cream (it's really hot today!) He said yes and came to meet me, but brought a mate with him (a guy he works with, who I also know.) Is he trying to show me that he's not interested, or avoiding situations where we might be alone together?

 

I have a feeling that he's a bit peeved that I turned down his earlier advances. Do you think he'll ever try again, or is there no chance? Is there anything I can do, aside from explicitly talk to him about it, that will get him to be more open again?

[PegNosePete]

Well you could just ask him out. I mean it may be a crazy idea but isn't that what people do when they like other people?

 

But... why would you want someone who is flirtatious and sexually suggestive to another girl, while he is seeing someone? Do you think he is good boyfriend material?

[todreaminblue]

when i have rejected someone i take it as a rule if i want to get to know them better to do the asking....its hard to ask when you have already asked once and been rejected.....did this with a guy i turned down for a date this year....didnt work out but i did ask him out after rejecting him.....doubt he would have asked.....he said he didnt remember me i felt that was a lie......but i was honest with him on why i rejected him in the first place....it was too soon after a break up and i wasnt stable...so when he contacted me again.....i asked him out and i was honest with him.....for me this is the only way it works ...i wouldnt ask a guy again if he said no the first time.......and i understand why a guy wouldnt want to ask either......deb

[the_entertainer1]

Well you could just ask him out. I mean it may be a crazy idea but isn't that what people do when they like other people?

 

I just can't ask him out. That's not me playing games, it's just my personality. And, I'm not sure if he's even interested anymore! Also, this is one guy where, if I did say something and he didn't feel the same way, it would almost certainly ruin the friendship and we'd just sort of drift apart.

 

But... why would you want someone who is flirtatious and sexually suggestive to another girl, while he is seeing someone? Do you think he is good boyfriend material?

 

I see your point - but I've known him a while. I don't know if he's good boyfriend material, but I'm interested in going out for drinks in a more date-like environment, to potentially find out. Aside from actually saying something, what can I do to show him that I'm now interested in going out with him?

[PegNosePete]

Nothing, really. Either tell him how you feel or be stuck in limbo forever. Your choice!

[d0nnivain]

At this point he may not be aware that you would be open to a date with him. If you can't ask him out (which is a cop out imo) you need to make it clear that you will say yes if he asks.

 

For example, when he said you should be seeing somebody, you could have volleyed back & asked him if he had anyone in mind.

[Keenly]

If you aren't willing to take the same risk he did, then you don't really want to date him.

 

 

The " I just can't " excuse doesn't fly. Looks like you just can't date him then.

[writergal]

OP, as my German grandmother used to say, "Eizer sheet or get off za pot! Verstehen?!" (I loved my grandmother! )

 

I just can't ask him out. That's not me playing games, it's just my personality. And, I'm not sure if he's even interested anymore! Also, this is one guy where, if I did say something and he didn't feel the same way, it would almost certainly ruin the friendship and we'd just sort of drift apart.

 

But you already did ask him out when you called him up at work to ask him to meet you out for ice cream. He did, and he brought his coworker along. So it is you, and it IS your personality. And it is you playing games.

 

You wrote in your OP:

 

I was near his work this afternoon and had a bit of time to kill, so I called him to see if he wanted to catch up for an ice-cream (it's really hot today!) He said yes and came to meet me, but brought a mate with him (a guy he works with, who I also know.) Is he trying to show me that he's not interested, or avoiding situations where we might be alone together?

 

Maybe he just invited his coworker along since you did call him at work. Why don't you just ask him out to meet you after work and see what happens? Ruminating about whether or not to ask him out again isn't going to actually help you.

[Maleficent]

Let's turn that around OP.

 

If someone turned you down, would you ask them out again?

[the_entertainer1]

Let's turn that around OP.

 

If someone turned you down, would you ask them out again?

 

Good point. I might, depending on how they'd turned me down, how much I liked them, and whether or not I'd seen any signs that they were now interested ...

[rester]

Good point. I might, depending on how they'd turned me down, how much I liked them, and whether or not I'd seen any signs that they were now interested ...

 

So if you "might" ask out a guy that had already turned you down, why can't you ask this guy out after you turned him down? He probably doesn't think you're interested in him right now. Try asking him out for drinks after work but if he brings his coworker again he's probably not interested.

[the_entertainer1]

OP, as my German grandmother used to say, "Eizer sheet or get off za pot! Verstehen?!" (I loved my grandmother! )

 

Why don't you just ask him out to meet you after work and see what happens? Ruminating about whether or not to ask him out again isn't going to actually help you.

 

I like this kind of straightforward thinking. It's what I'd tell anyone else, but I just can't seem to take my own advice! (So it's nice hearing it from someone else).

 

But you already did ask him out when you called him up at work to ask him to meet you out for ice cream. He did, and he brought his coworker along. So it is you, and it IS your personality. And it is you playing games.

 

Just to clarify ... are you saying that I've already done it so I can do it again? I don't think I'm intentionally playing games. I feel like he was playing games by bringing his friend along!

[Gloria25]

I'm confused...did he ask you out the 6 months ago?

 

If not, then I don't believe in just asking him out either. I think you need to know if he's still seeing anyone.

 

Maybe at this point, being friendly and talking to him is what's best. Then, you can sneak in some questions about his dating situation.

 

Cuz, if he was with someone 6 months ago - whether or not he asked you out, all he could have been was flirty.

[mortensorchid]

I think he's just a friend now. I would move on.

[the_entertainer1]

I'm confused...did he ask you out the 6 months ago?

 

If not, then I don't believe in just asking him out either. I think you need to know if he's still seeing anyone.

 

Maybe at this point, being friendly and talking to him is what's best. Then, you can sneak in some questions about his dating situation.

 

Cuz, if he was with someone 6 months ago - whether or not he asked you out, all he could have been was flirty.

 

Yes, he was the one who suggested the drinks 6 months ago. I thought it was going to be just a regular hangout because we hadn't seen each other for a while (and because he was seeing someone!) but then he was all flirtatious (and sexually suggestive - i.e. he 'joked' about us having sex). So now, six months later and he's all "platonic" ... I just don't get it.

[candie13]

trust me, if a guy is interested, he'll show it. Guys are easy to read.

 

Try to be logical: you asked him out - for "icecream". Any man gets the drift. He brings a "friend" along. He may enjoy the attention, he may be playing games, jerking your chain... who cares? He's not making a move.

 

In this game, he or she who shows his hands first loses. Stay put. Date other people. Enjoy his company if you are hanging out with the same people but do NOT chase him, because roles will never change.

 

I vote for forgetting about him.

[preraph]

He told you you "should be" seeing someone, treats you platonically and brings a male friend along? Fixing you up?

[the_entertainer1]

He told you you "should be" seeing someone, treats you platonically and brings a male friend along? Fixing you up?

 

It could look that way, but the male friend he brought along is married.

[the_entertainer1]

trust me, if a guy is interested, he'll show it. Guys are easy to read.

 

Try to be logical: you asked him out - for "icecream". Any man gets the drift. He brings a "friend" along. He may enjoy the attention, he may be playing games, jerking your chain... who cares? He's not making a move.

 

In this game, he or she who shows his hands first loses. Stay put. Date other people. Enjoy his company if you are hanging out with the same people but do NOT chase him, because roles will never change.

 

Good advice. You say he enjoys the attention ... actually, I kind of do too! It's fun, I guess. Interesting that you advise me to date other people, and actually, since he asked if I was seeing anyone (a couple of weeks ago), I've been asked out on a date by a new guy. I'm contemplating telling him (ice-cream guy) about it when I see him this week (I have to attend an event where he will also be), saying that I "took his advice" ... is that the kind of thing you mean? (i.e. not showing my hand) I'm not sure what kind of reaction I'm hoping for with telling him that though. As I've said before, I'm not usually a "game player" (at least on purpose), but I feel like maybe I need to do something different.

 

I like this guy, but am not sure of whether he's particularly 'good' for me or not. The guy who I'm going on the date with might be awesome, and make me forget all about the ice-cream guy!

[the_entertainer1]

I just got back from my date. It was ok ... I felt like the guy "did all the right things" but I'm not sure if I was really feeling it. He looked a little different from his profile pic, so maybe that threw me off a bit. Also, I had to go straight from work (he's a doctor and it was the only time we could make it before he starts night shift), so perhaps I was a bit "off". He was polite and flattered me, but at the same time, seemed a little "nerdy" to me (he's intelligent, which I like, but also likes sci-fi, classical music and building models). He might not have gotten good vibes from me because of this, but he did mention that he'd like to catch up next week (once he's done his week of night shift). So I'll give it another date to see ...

 

Anyway, I still feel like I want to tell the ice-cream guy about the date ... I'm just not sure what I want to achieve from it. I don't think I'm trying to make him jealous ... I kinda want his advice? ... I just don't know. Anyone want to try and decipher what my brain can't? haha

[JohnM]

Stop messing about.

 

Forget about the other guy and concentrate on the one you dated, see him again, if there is no spark then end it there.

 

If after that has settled you are still thinking about the previous guy then ask him outright if its platonic or not.

 

Don't mix the two situations, and what's to be gained from telling ice cream guy? If that's not games I don't know what is.

 

Commit to your choices.

[Chemist]

Didn't read all the replys, but Yes. yes I will. I do not give up after one no. I don't care, I mean I don't become harrasing or odd, but I certainly tend to obsess over why I was told no... And then I think about it, try to better myself, and then go for it again. If a girl says no because she has a bf, then I will wait until she was single... and depending on what I want, I will swoop in and be her rebound, or I will wait until she has recovered and go in again.

 

I know sometimes, a no is a no, for now and ever. Other times, I have seen it work out when a man is persistent. The difference for me, is whether or not the guy is fixated and obsessed with her and never tries to date someone else in the mean time as well as improve themselves before asking her again. It is a balance between looking desperate vs. determined.