Dating someone w/Borderline Personality Disorder

[ScreaminEagle]

Would you date someone who is diagnosed or exhibits signs of Borderline Personality Disorder? From my understanding it takes a toll on the relationship especially from the very beginning.

 

 

I am not sure I could date someone who has constant turbulent emotions which is many cases lead to chaotic relationships which seems to be the theme of how their lives are lived.

 

 

My very first thread was about my friend who was dating someone without boundaries, well it turns out she has a medical condition and she recently finally confided that she has BPD.

 

 

After hearing what he has been going through it really makes sense, her behavior. He is thinking of leaving her but doesn't know if that is the right thing to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex-boyfriend has BPD. And no, without a doubt, I would not date someone again who suffers from this condition if they have not already sought treatment and continue to work towards managing their symptoms. I don't mean someone who merely acknowledges there's a problem. I mean someone who's been in treatment for a substantial amount of time, and honestly, maybe not even then.

 

It was the most emotionally traumatizing, volatile, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship I have ever been in. I chose not to be his punching bag anymore. Never, ever again. Yes, it was that bad.

[Divasu]

Probably not. I believe I identify most as a co-dependent/neurotic personality type so it would definitely not work.

[OwMyEyeball]

I don't think I could unless they were aware of the issue and in regular therapy.

 

The behaviours surrounding BPD would have me looking for the exit long before I had enough exposure to diagnose (assuming I even had the training in clinical psychology to do so).

[ScreaminEagle]

Thank you everyone for the response. My very first thread on here was about my best friends girlfriend and boundaries.

 

 

Well things have gotten progressively worse and he has confided in me about a few things regarding their behavior.

 

 

They recently went on vacation and it was a disaster. My friend confided in me about a few things and I really think this girl exhibits the classic traits of BPD. I do have a degree in Psychology, but of course I am not a Doctor.

[carhill]

Walked on enough eggshells to opine 'no'.

 

It's difficult enough maintaining tangential friendships, meaning tolerating the behaviors in spouses of friends. I got enough training when caring for a psychotic person to understand the basics of disconnection and redirection and agreeing, which seem to work OK when the real or suspected BPD'er is in demonizing mode.

 

Me, I like my peace and quiet.

[OwMyEyeball]

Thank you everyone for the response. My very first thread on here was about my best friends girlfriend and boundaries.

 

 

Well things have gotten progressively worse and he has confided in me about a few things regarding their behavior.

 

 

They recently went on vacation and it was a disaster. My friend confided in me about a few things and I really think this girl exhibits the classic traits of BPD. I do have a degree in Psychology, but of course I am not a Doctor.

Where I'm from someone with a degree in psychology can offer a better diagnosis than any GP could - they get barely any training in psychology and are apt to misdiagnosis and prescribe powerful mind-altering medication for what could be resolved in some cases through a bit of counseling. They make things only worse by throwing labels around that lead the "patient" to believe they're "sick". This takes the patient down a rabbit hole of self-exploration and awareness that is more likely to exacerbate the problem.

 

There's very little your friend can do towards "curing" her behaviour. Unless he knows exactly what he's dealing with he's more likely to become an enabler. If he's actively trying to "treat" her than he's entering into a co-dependent relationship that's bound to drain him.

 

Whatever her issues are, regardless of diagnosis and labeling, she's going to have to come to an understanding of them herself and make a personal resolve to rectify them. It helps to have some guidance and empathy along the way - I could say that's crucial - but that shouldn't be coming from a romantic partner. Wrong role.

 

Your friend needs to be quite clear on what he's looking for himself because he may be inadvertently harming himself for a noble yet misguided goal. For all the good he may feel he's doing her, the strain on his own life will have reverberating effects on his friends and family. It's like grabbing onto a shaky motor - he may quiet the vibrations a bit, but they just end up being absorbed and traveling through him.

[ScreaminEagle]

Where I'm from someone with a degree in psychology can offer a better diagnosis than any GP could - they get barely any training in psychology and are apt to misdiagnosis and prescribe powerful mind-altering medication for what could be resolved in some cases through a bit of counseling. They make things only worse by throwing labels around that lead the "patient" to believe they're "sick". This takes the patient down a rabbit hole of self-exploration and awareness that is more likely to exacerbate the problem.

 

There's very little your friend can do towards "curing" her behaviour. Unless he knows exactly what he's dealing with he's more likely to become an enabler. If he's actively trying to "treat" her than he's entering into a co-dependent relationship that's bound to drain him.

 

Whatever her issues are, regardless of diagnosis and labeling, she's going to have to come to an understanding of them herself and make a personal resolve to rectify them. It helps to have some guidance and empathy along the way - I could say that's crucial - but that shouldn't be coming from a romantic partner. Wrong role.

 

Your friend needs to be quite clear on what he's looking for himself because he may be inadvertently harming himself for a noble yet misguided goal. For all the good he may feel he's doing her, the strain on his own life will have reverberating effects on his friends and family. It's like grabbing onto a shaky motor - he may quiet the vibrations a bit, but they just end up being absorbed and traveling through him.

 

 

Wow, what you just typed was the bane of our conversation and what I told him. He is enabling her behavior and he agrees. My other degree is far from Psychology but she presents all the cursory traits of one who has BPD.

 

 

He is becoming drained. A vacation in Aruba was painful, so I have been told, so thing are getting bad. I don't know if she has been diagnosed it is not my business but she does have a medical issue that she is not taking care of, a whole another issue that needs to be brought up. My friend is close to 40, everyone things they are going to get married. They don't know the struggle he goes through.

[autumnnight]

Honestly I wouldn't want to be with someone who had any illness mental or otherwise if they were not taking responsibility for treatment and taking care of themselves. If they were doing all they could for themselves then it would depend on how well controlled it was. That might sound harsh but if they can't take care of themselves responsibly I'm not going to do it for them.

[salparadise]

well it turns out she has a medical condition and she recently finally confided that she has BPD.

 

He is thinking of leaving her but doesn't know if that is the right thing to do.

 

Right thing to do... for who? Is he thinking about volunteering as a human sacrifice? Does he think dating her a few times includes some kind of moral imperative to relegate himself to a life of misery so she will have a convenient, willing target?

 

You haven't said what the degree of severity is, but this the core of the extremely dysfunctional cluster B disorders. He can't fix her. Regular trips to the shrink and prescription meds won't fix her. It's a serious, pervasive disorder that precludes stable, satisfying relationships. His choices are a) stick with it until he is drained of all sangfroid, or b) do what any rational person does when a new dating relationship turns out to be a complete disaster.

 

I don't mean to sound uncompassionate; I hope she gets the best help there is and makes progress. But it's not his job or his lot to suffer this fate just because he took he out on some dates.

[Divasu]

Where I'm from someone with a degree in psychology can offer a better diagnosis than any GP could - they get barely any training in psychology and are apt to misdiagnosis and prescribe powerful mind-altering medication for what could be resolved in some cases through a bit of counseling. They make things only worse by throwing labels around that lead the "patient" to believe they're "sick". This takes the patient down a rabbit hole of self-exploration and awareness that is more likely to exacerbate the problem.

 

I find the importance of a GP from a medical standpoint overseeing your medical history plays an important role, in addition to, rather then as a singular.

 

Psychologists are not MD's. But, they do have great purpose and benefit.

 

There are good MD's and bad MD's, including Psychiatrists, just as there are Psychologists. So finding a "good" one is also important.

[ScreaminEagle]

Right thing to do... for who? Is he thinking about volunteering as a human sacrifice? Does he think dating her a few times includes some kind of moral imperative to relegate himself to a life of misery so she will have a convenient, willing target?

 

You haven't said what the degree of severity is, but this the core of the extremely dysfunctional cluster B disorders. He can't fix her. Regular trips to the shrink and prescription meds won't fix her. It's a serious, pervasive disorder that precludes stable, satisfying relationships. His choices are a) stick with it until he is drained of all sangfroid, or b) do what any rational person does when a new dating relationship turns out to be a complete disaster.

 

I don't mean to sound uncompassionate; I hope she gets the best help there is and makes progress. But it's not his job or his lot to suffer this fate just because he took he out on some dates.

 

She was diagnosed with M/S about eight years ago, and according to my friend, she is not very compliant with going to doctors appointments, taking medication, he constantly asks if she takes her medication. She said no oops forgot.

 

 

He did mention that he doesn't want to wind up marrying someone who will be in a wheelchair in a few years because she is in denial, and that is the illness aspect of it.

 

 

As far as her BPD goes, she has never been to any health care professional to be diagnosed however with that being said she exhibits the interpersonal personality disorder traits of:

 

 

A) The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

 

 

B) The Clinger Phase

 

 

C) The Angry Phase

 

 

As far as degree or severity, I would say she isn't in the low functioning bracket yet, as she still has a job however still lives at home.

 

 

She does however present with the first three criteria in the DSM-V.

[Gloria25]

You know, I often ponder where the line between mental illness and personal responsibility lie...and, I believe that to a certain degree, we do have some control.

 

I was listening to some info about a controlled study done on some psych patients. They were given an "incentive" (let's say a cupcake) for good behavior. Well, the patients strove to improve their behavior to get that incentive - which pretty much proved there is "some" element of responsibility there for people who "may" have an actual mental illness.

 

I also think many people which character flaws (i.e. sociopathy, selfishness, narcissism, sexual and/or other "addictions") are sorta given a "pass" on the basis of some mental illness or "disorder". Again, I think there are just bad people out there and they are not victims of something out of their control.

[ScreaminEagle]

You know, I often ponder where the line between mental illness and personal responsibility lie...and, I believe that to a certain degree, we do have some control.

 

I was listening to some info about a controlled study done on some psych patients. They were given an "incentive" (let's say a cupcake) for good behavior. Well, the patients strove to improve their behavior to get that incentive - which pretty much proved there is "some" element of responsibility there for people who "may" have an actual mental illness.

 

I also think many people which character flaws (i.e. sociopathy, selfishness, narcissism, sexual and/or other "addictions") are sorta given a "pass" on the basis of some mental illness or "disorder". Again, I think there are just bad people out there and they are not victims of something out of their control.

 

I totally agree with you. Not sidestepping my own thread, one of the most least treated & mishandled mental illnesses is PTSD. Veterans, abuse victims, etc are not getting the help that they need.

 

 

As far as Doctor's, GP's, Psychiatrists, many of them, a good portion just want to put you on a medication and do not put you on a clear cut path to recovery, or help with recovery, they medicate as a band aid for the problem.

 

 

My friends girlfriend's issues may very well be that and I might be just talking out of my rear, but it seems she has some sort of mental illness or personality disorder. Normally I wouldn't go around throwing words like BPD around, but having a three hour conversation with him about why he is upset, everything pointed in that direction. How can he tell her, hey I think you have a mental disorder, when she will not even abide by a medication regime for M/S?

 

 

As far as breaking up with her, I cannot speak for him as it is his decision solely to make. He said the only good thing about the relationship is the sex, and even the sex causes problems. That is a whole another story.

[Tayken]

Simple really....he can ignore it at his own peril. I mean for the sake of what, that she is cute and he currently gets some?

[ScreaminEagle]

Simple really....he can ignore it at his own peril. I mean for the sake of what, that she is cute and he currently gets some?

 

He actually complains about the sex, my friend is the type of guy who works hard, he is up at 5am, has his own business, a little rigid at times but likes to do things and have a good time.

 

 

He has complained on numerous occasions that she is too clingy and all she wants to do is have sex, everything is sex related. I know women reading this are like "what man complains that there I too much sex". My friend brought it up that he thinks she compensates for her insecurities by constantly wanting to have sex, he said it was fun in the beginning, but while he wants to get up Sunday morning and make a day of things, she wants to stay in bed and have sex. But that is just one of his complaints, and her complaints.

 

 

They both confide in me about how they feel. My loyalty is to him as I consider him a brother. Her I do not dislike, but she does things that I don't agree with or like. I hate getting in between two people but he has never dated a girl like her before.