foreverastone Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 So me (24 y/o) and my bf (28 y/o) have been together for 11 months. Without a doubt I love my bf however, my bf told me recently that he doesn't love me. He cares about me a great deal and is really committed to our relationship and is happy with both me our relationship except that he doesn't feel love for me. He said he likes me very much but just not love When I first heard this I was devastated because it's a rough thing to hear, especially from your SO He's never told me that he's loved me so when he said that he didn't love me it wasn't really anything that I didn't know. It's just that he's clearly stated it. I'm at a lost as to what to do, because i love him and this relationship
mariekatie Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 So me (24 y/o) and my bf (28 y/o) have been together for 11 months. Without a doubt I love my bf however, my bf told me recently that he doesn't love me. He cares about me a great deal and is really committed to our relationship and is happy with both me our relationship except that he doesn't feel love for me. He said he likes me very much but just not love When I first heard this I was devastated because it's a rough thing to hear, especially from your SO He's never told me that he's loved me so when he said that he didn't love me it wasn't really anything that I didn't know. It's just that he's clearly stated it. I'm at a lost as to what to do, because i love him and this relationship Well love will eventually fade BUT if there was no love in the beginning, it wouldn't work. I don't understand, how could someone be committed but not love you? Love is something that you either feel it or you don't. I know it's hard but 11 months is way too long to not love someone. If you love him,maybe you should tell him about how you feel. It's hard to love someone who doesn't love you. Although many couples lost the "love" after many years. Love is an amazing feeling. Maybe he had commitment issues. Ask him about it. Ask yourself, can you accept this or not? If it hurts you, it's better to get out if not it will become resentment towards him one day.
StalwartMind Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 (edited) Perhaps you are asking the wrong question here. How do you currently feel about him and yourself in this relationship? Are you happy being with him? Does he treat you good? Do you feel like nothing is missing or could a lot of things be different/better? What do you expect/want from the future and what does he want? Most people 11 months into a relationship would typically know if they love each other or not, but there are all sorts of relationship and there is no real guideline to whatever may work for you. People will easily dismiss or approve something based on "general standards/expectations" without much disregard of realizing some people might actually be totally content/happy/thrilled in X,Y,Z relationship that is much different from their own. As long as you are both happy and get what you want out of the relationship, can rely and trust each other etc. then it doesn't have to be a big deal. It all really depends what your expectations are, you know him the best, so you can probably answer most of these things. Some people are content in relationships without really loving or caring too much about their significant other, purely because they would rather be in a relationship than alone. This most certainly is not something I find appealing but I realize that some people do. If only people were much better at communicating with each other as well as making their needs/desires clear, people would in general be so much easier to deal with and not question things so much. As great as it is to hear someone say they love you, you want them to say it and sincerely mean it. Edited November 13, 2014 by StalwartMind 4
Author foreverastone Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 I've asked him about it and he said he doesn't know. He's frustrated with himself because he said that that i'm beautiful, smart and a loving gf and is everything that he's looking for yet he can't feel it. Aside from my bf not feeling love for me, the relationship is great, he treats me with respect, trust and has been supportive and protective when i needed him especially through unemployment, death of a family member and when I was assaulted by a close friend. He's makes me very happy However, the fact he doesn't feel love for me is starting to make me question whether or not he ever will love me as you have said 11 months is long enough for someone to figure out how the feel about someone
Toodaloo Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I am sorry to say I can see how this is going to go... In a few months, years perhaps you will still be ticking along. Then he will meet someone he does feel that spark with or something will happen and he will let you down simply because he does not care enough... You will by this stage feel exhausted, drained and miserable, unworthy, down trodden and unlovable... You will continue to invest into the relationship and try to love for both of you... Sure you can have a relationship with out love but in order for it to be successful there needs to be the extra. My advice is to say good bye now because it will hurt a heck of a lot more later. By his own admission you are a great girl and deserve to be loved. Make yourself available to someone who can and who does. Sorry your having a rough time of it. But this guy is not your answer. 1
cif Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Well love will eventually fade BUT if there was no love in the beginning, it wouldn't work. I don't understand, how could someone be committed but not love you? Love is something that you either feel it or you don't. I know it's hard but 11 months is way too long to not love someone. If you love him,maybe you should tell him about how you feel. It's hard to love someone who doesn't love you. Although many couples lost the "love" after many years. Love is an amazing feeling. Maybe he had commitment issues. Ask him about it. Ask yourself, can you accept this or not? If it hurts you, it's better to get out if not it will become resentment towards him one day. This is NOT true. Love grows and becomes stronger. But yes if there's no love to begin with, OP, I'd cut my losses now and move on. Less hurt than waiting down the road when he will eventually end it with you. 2
Maleficent Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 11 months is still what we like to call the honeymoon phase. If he doesn't love you at this point, he is staying with you because you are useful to him (sex, financial benefits of living with someone ect). Stay in this situation if you wish but be prepared to get dumped as soon as he finds someone he loves. sry 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Ouch! That must have been quite a blow to hear your boyfriend of almost one year say that. Dio mio! As for your question, there are plenty of relationships that exist without love or at least without the real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other kind of love. BUT those kind of relationships ONLY work when you're both on the same page about it. FWB come to mind. If one person is madly in love and the other is not, there is a serious imbalance and therefore a serious problem. OP, you need to take a really long look at your relationship and what you want out of it. I will warn you just as I have warned others on other threads; do NOT stick around for another year or two hoping that he might change his mind about you or worse yet, changing yourself thinking that will make him finally love you. Unfortunately, the odds of it turning into a fairy tale are slim and the only thing that's guaranteed is a world of heartache for YOU in the end. I know it's not easy to be in love with someone that doesn't love you back the same way but staying true to yourself and being clear about what you want and what you deserve is better than being someone's option. Just remember these words; you deserve the kind of love you are willing to give someone else. It's as simple as that. Good luck. 1
LostOnes05 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 ouch! That must have been quite a blow to hear your boyfriend of almost one year say that. Dio mio! As for your question, there are plenty of relationships that exist without love or at least without the real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other kind of love. But those kind of relationships only work when you're both on the same page about it. Fwb come to mind. If one person is madly in love and the other is not, there is a serious imbalance and therefore a serious problem. Op, you need to take a really long look at your relationship and what you want out of it. I will warn you just as i have warned others on other threads; do not stick around for another year or two hoping that he might change his mind about you or worse yet, changing yourself thinking that will make him finally love you. Unfortunately, the odds of it turning into a fairy tale are slim and the only thing that's guaranteed is a world of heartache for you in the end. I know it's not easy to be in love with someone that doesn't love you back the same way but staying true to yourself and being clear about what you want and what you deserve is better than being someone's option. Just remember these words; you deserve the kind of love you are willing to give someone else. It's as simple as that. Good luck. ^^^this = golden 1
carhill Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I'm struggling to imagine how hot and/or good in bed a guy must be to go nearly a year without ILY and directly tell their SO that they don't love the SO and keep the SO in the game. That's impressive. I scratch my head, but am impressed. Can you have such a relationship? Well, yeah, you can, and are. There ya go! 1
Redhead14 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Relationship without love, is not really a relationship. It's simply about being comfortable in a situation and not having to work at anything, expecting and getting nothing. When this is happening, it means you've lost yourself. You are not living a full, rewarding life. You don't want to be alone and settling for the easiest way to not be alone.
Author foreverastone Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 I'm struggling to imagine how hot and/or good in bed a guy must be to go nearly a year without ILY and directly tell their SO that they don't love the SO and keep the SO in the game. That's impressive. I scratch my head, but am impressed. Can you have such a relationship? Well, yeah, you can, and are. There ya go! It's never been about how hot or good in bed he is for me to stick around. I stick around because i've been unemployed for the last year and he's helped me every step of the way to finding employment by going through my applications with me, practising interviews with me and giving me advice on how to secure a job in my field When i have a crappy day, he shows up to my doorstep with ice cream and flowers to make me feel better When a close member of my family died he made sure i was alright by checking up on me, taking me out to dinner and doing things that i want to do to make me feel better. He also paid for my flight so that i could attend the funeral as I couldn't afford it. I felt his 'love' even though he says he doesn't feel it which is why i'm so confused!!! I mean who does all of this just because?!
Lightworker Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 (edited) Yes you can be in an relationship without the big word Love. The question is though, if you both have the same idea about how a relationship should be. Who decides how your ideal relationship should be like you ask? Well, that's up to you and your bf. Your Bf is clearly on a different page than you are. Emotionally he is not that connected to you as you are connected to him. He states he cares about you but doesn't feel love for you. Maybe you should ask him what love means to him? How should love be like in his view? It could be that he is just content of what he have with you know. It could also be that he had not been challenged by you to work for your love you give to him. Could it be that you give your love to him freely, or a bit too easily, that caused him to take you for granted? Sometimes men need to cherish what he has got in a relationship. They will realise it when its gone. Maybe you should try to take a break, because you want to be with somebody who loves you. Also i would like to mention is that some guys are slow in falling in love with someone. Think about the arranged marriages, A pretty high percentage of those husband and wifes do fall in love eventually, although they don't know eachother well enough before they got married. So, in your case i would try to spend some time away from him, and let hem find out if he really loves you or he just like you to be around. Edited November 14, 2014 by Lightworker
Gloria25 Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 11 months is still what we like to call the honeymoon phase. If he doesn't love you at this point, he is staying with you because you are useful to him (sex, financial benefits of living with someone ect). Stay in this situation if you wish but be prepared to get dumped as soon as he finds someone he loves. sry Agreed ^^. It takes at least 1 1/2 to 2 years of dating someone (not friends, co-workers, shacking up) to get to know for sure if that person is what you're looking for. I also think "love" means things to different people. I also think some people misinterpret "love" with lust, emotions, etc. One of my fav personalities defines love as "Awe, admiration, and respect"...Think of those words....they are quite heavy.
Tayken Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Yes it is possible.....apart from the ubiquitous FWB, there is also jigolos, escorts, companionship arrangements and "sugar babies" (youtube it)
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 I've asked him about it and he said he doesn't know. He's frustrated with himself because he said that that i'm beautiful, smart and a loving gf and is everything that he's looking for yet he can't feel it. Aside from my bf not feeling love for me, the relationship is great, he treats me with respect, trust and has been supportive and protective when i needed him especially through unemployment, death of a family member and when I was assaulted by a close friend. He's makes me very happy However, the fact he doesn't feel love for me is starting to make me question whether or not he ever will love me as you have said 11 months is long enough for someone to figure out how the feel about someone I always find it interesting and yet baffling how one person can be so in love or just love their partner and the other person doesn't feel remotely the same way...but it seems to be a very common situation for many couples. Therefore I'd say love is not necessary for many people to stay together...in fact I say very often here that love has nothing to do with it, and I do believe that it does not. You mentioned you are happy, and quite satisfied with the relationship...so essentially you've felt that without his love...would it have been any different had you not found out for certain? many people lie to themselves or avoid the questions that might bring the answer they don't want to hear...but the bottom line at this point is, do you still want to be together and have the same goals? does the relationship serve the same purpose? Because the only difference between this relationship and many others is that it's out in the open, nobody is hiding behind that lie at least..it's essentially more transparent and honest that way if you progress mutually aware of the situation both knowing how each other feels, rather than just assuming, hoping or all the other tricks people play on themselves to pretend everything is "perfect" in their relationship...or at least can be. However for crying out loud...do not drill him on this, do not ask him questions to elaborate how he feels, he has said enough...as much as it pains you, you will have to go on or not with this relationship, you need to ask yourself if you are ok with that kind of a relationship. Otherwise forcing him to explain will essentially force him into a defensive posture where he has to say all kinds of positive things about you and essentially back-pedal and avoid confrontation and hurting your feelings further...you got the answer, be thankful he even told you because if you keep pressuring him for more then he's going to be forced to lie to you and sugar-coat the truth so that you can live with it...not to mention be careful about ever telling you the truth again. Personally, this is the kind of situation I avoid with many people (women for me) because I'm not just looking for a relationship or to be with someone because I don't want to be alone, die alone or whatever...dying alone for me is better than half the crap I see in relationships every day, for myself...it doesn't work, I'm extremely poor at lying and manipulating myself, I serve myself that sharp cold dagger of truth and move on. I could care less what I feel for the other person, If I am there alone then it's not a relationship for me, let alone anything more than that...but I'm a very unconventional guy and don't do the whole sugar-coating and half-truth crap, not even to myself and I could never be happy with your situation regardless of how wonderful the person treats me..if that was the case I would have been hitched by now, but that isn't me, and you're not me...you've got to be honest with you and decide what you can live with, or at least convince yourself of something else that makes it easier for you to avoid the reality.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Sure, you can have a relationship without love. I think many relationships are founded on factors besides love - convenience, finances, habit, expectations, codependency, etc. You said hearing this "devastated" you, so I think there's your answer. You're not happy with this one-sided love, and I can't imagine you're going to get used to it. You're only 24 and have plenty of time to find a man who really loves you. And now you know not to waste time with guys who don't. 1
ScreaminEagle Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 A true relationship without love is like going to France and not visiting the Eiffel Tower.
Gloria25 Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Personally, this is the kind of situation I avoid with many people (women for me) because I'm not just looking for a relationship or to be with someone because I don't want to be alone, die alone or whatever...dying alone for me is better than half the crap I see in relationships every day, for myself...it doesn't work, I'm extremely poor at lying and manipulating myself, I serve myself that sharp cold dagger of truth and move on. I could care less what I feel for the other person, If I am there alone then it's not a relationship for me, let alone anything more than that...but I'm a very unconventional guy and don't do the whole sugar-coating and half-truth crap, not even to myself and I could never be happy with your situation regardless of how wonderful the person treats me..if that was the case I would have been hitched by now, but that isn't me, and you're not me...you've got to be honest with you and decide what you can live with, or at least convince yourself of something else that makes it easier for you to avoid the reality. Agreed...^^ Yea, life is more sweeter when you have someone to share it with...but I'm not getting involved with someone cuz I "don't wanna be alone" or I just want "a day in some white dress". I want to be with someone cuz of them and what we do for each other...
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