jen008 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 My boyfriend and I are both from Mali decent. I was born and live in America, but my parents are from Mali. However, he is was born and lives in Mali. I went back to Mali to visit family and we met. After I got back to the states we texted back and forth and called eachother on the weekends. However, I wasn't fully aware of his situation. Jobs in Mali and scarce even with a college degree. He is sadly a victim of terrible system in Mali. But I stuck by him. It has been months of trying to find a solution and I feel like we are getting to a dead end. We plan for him to get his masters I'm the states but the process is so difficult. Plus he doesn't have the money to get a passport or anything. At one point he had $2 to his name. He couldn't pay his phone bill and I know if we lose contact our relationship will suffer tremendously mostly on my end. I couldn't deal without communication. Therefore, I give him money to pay is phone bill every month, but I am a college student and I work part time and my budget is limited. We haven't seen eachother physically since January only via skype. He is waiting on me to visit Mali and he gets sad when I say it may not be until later in 2015 because I have to save up for the trip. He doesn't have the money to visit me. He worked a few jobs where he earned $100 a month (working 40 hours) but he later quit because his boss never paid him a after 3 months of working there. Now to get our relationship foundation: he adores me, and not because of any monetary reasons. We support eachother, he talks about a family one day, he is honestly one of the best boyfriends I have had. However, his finances make everything difficult. I am not asking for him to be super rich but enough to take care of yourself and maybe send me a cheap bouquet of flowers for my birthday. For his birthday I found a company that ships there for free and got him a hat of his favorite sports team (like $20) The superficial part of me wonders if I am wasting my time, I fear he won't make enough for himself any time soon. I admit he is trying, but does this mean I should continue to suffer as well. Don't we all have to be out for our own good? I'm so confused on what I should do? I love him, but it is all taking a toll on me. 1
mariekatie Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 My boyfriend and I are both from Mali decent. I was born and live in America, but my parents are from Mali. However, he is was born and lives in Mali. I went back to Mali to visit family and we met. After I got back to the states we texted back and forth and called eachother on the weekends. However, I wasn't fully aware of his situation. Jobs in Mali and scarce even with a college degree. He is sadly a victim of terrible system in Mali. But I stuck by him. It has been months of trying to find a solution and I feel like we are getting to a dead end. We plan for him to get his masters I'm the states but the process is so difficult. Plus he doesn't have the money to get a passport or anything. At one point he had $2 to his name. He couldn't pay his phone bill and I know if we lose contact our relationship will suffer tremendously mostly on my end. I couldn't deal without communication. Therefore, I give him money to pay is phone bill every month, but I am a college student and I work part time and my budget is limited. We haven't seen eachother physically since January only via skype. He is waiting on me to visit Mali and he gets sad when I say it may not be until later in 2015 because I have to save up for the trip. He doesn't have the money to visit me. He worked a few jobs where he earned $100 a month (working 40 hours) but he later quit because his boss never paid him a after 3 months of working there. Now to get our relationship foundation: he adores me, and not because of any monetary reasons. We support eachother, he talks about a family one day, he is honestly one of the best boyfriends I have had. However, his finances make everything difficult. I am not asking for him to be super rich but enough to take care of yourself and maybe send me a cheap bouquet of flowers for my birthday. For his birthday I found a company that ships there for free and got him a hat of his favorite sports team (like $20) The superficial part of me wonders if I am wasting my time, I fear he won't make enough for himself any time soon. I admit he is trying, but does this mean I should continue to suffer as well. Don't we all have to be out for our own good? I'm so confused on what I should do? I love him, but it is all taking a toll on me. I totally understand your situation, it's tearing you apart between love and reality. Well we all know that money is important in LDR. You know he is trying that's why you didn't want to break his heart by leaving. He would probably be "destroyed" as he put in so much effort. Had he tried to find jobs in your country? I don't know how the immigration is like but i feel like it would be very hard if both of you don't have money. I know it hurts you alot, and by reading this, it kinda makes me sad as well. I doubt it can be changed anytime, unless you both get married and he moves to your country. Or he could try to enroll in the green card lottery which occurs every year at Oct. Ask yourself, can you tolerate not meeting him? Maybe you will grow to resent him one day. Sometimes life can be harsh, you meet someone that you loved dearly but circumstances stop you guys from being together. Feel better. 1
Author jen008 Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Thanks for replying! Yes, he is tried the job search on his own within his country. However, it is literally hundreds of people competing for the same position, and at the end of the day, the company will give it to someone that has connections. It's a very corrupt country. We thought of marriage,but I feel like we are rushing it. Like we haven't been on an official date yet so marriage feels too soon 1
mariekatie Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Thanks for replying! Yes, he is tried the job search on his own within his country. However, it is literally hundreds of people competing for the same position, and at the end of the day, the company will give it to someone that has connections. It's a very corrupt country. We thought of marriage,but I feel like we are rushing it. Like we haven't been on an official date yet so marriage feels too soon I understand but also beware of the visa scams! Well idk much about Mali but it seems like a pretty bad place to be. And if you both think it's too early, then you should try to meet up more, which also would be hard. Prolly you need to decide how long you can wait for this guy. Marriage is not a small issue and you should marry someone when you're ready, not for a visa. Although everyone will tell you that it's not gonna work out as financial part is really important, only you yourself know what you want. Maybe you'll regret letting him go one day but for now just go with the flow. Don't lose faith yet. Focus on your work now and wait till 2015, it's almost there! and after meeting up, talk about the future plans. I know it hurts you both because i can see that both of you are trying so hard. In my previous LDR, we had this issue too.Immigration was a bitch to us and he couldn't meet the min requirements. I knew it wouldn't work out but i stick to it. But it cause me alot of pressure and resentment and i often nag on him about it. Eventually it falls apart and we broke up. I didn't regret because i met someone better (ldr again haha). But i guess sometimes you need to let go, i wasn't brave enough so i waited for him to dump me. Maybe all those fights were created because i subconsciously knew that it's the end... It's sad but necessary and i was glad he dumped me.....
cerridwen Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 (edited) You write that it's your "shallow side" that leads to these concerns, but I contend it's your practical side. And it's wise. One needs resources for a LDR; for trips, for small tokens, and when things progress, for a visa and myriad costs associated with it. You can't shoulder the financial burden alone--and shouldn't. Sometimes, people arent in a good place to be in a relationship. The timing is poor or the circumstances. They may not be emotionally ready or lack the means to hold up their side of things. When the latter happens, the dynamic changes and resentment often follows. It sounds like your SO is in a bad position, and if you're resolute on continuing, you'll need to accept you'll likely be paying for everything. That you don't want to (or can't) doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's simply practical. Given that you're a college student, how long could you fuel the monetary part? Edited November 13, 2014 by cerridwen 4
kolleamm Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 If money wasn't an issue I'd say LDRs would be more feasible, but....yeah that's why I try not to get attached to anyone long distance.
Tiger Lily Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 The superficial part of me wonders if I am wasting my time, I fear he won't make enough for himself any time soon. I admit he is trying, but does this mean I should continue to suffer as well. Don't we all have to be out for our own good? I'm so confused on what I should do? I love him, but it is all taking a toll on me. True love is all about sacrifice. Personally, I think you would be risking a lot if you sacrifice a lot for someone you don't know all that well. But often times, with bigger risks come greater rewards. And I think, compared to school, money, job, etc, only love is worth every sacrifice you can give. If this is something real, don't let it pass you by. You can always go back to school, get another job, etc. But it's not every day you meet someone you connect to deeply. Best of luck, OP.
Lovinginny Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 LDR can be quite expensive when it come to transportation cost and sometimes communication and these can really drain you if you are a student on a budget. You've not mentioned how old you are in your post but I'd suggest you focus on school first. If you drop out to finance this relationship and it fails to work out as expected you will be devastated, you'll resent him and you'll be playing catch-up with your dreams for a long time.
Els Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I sympathize with your boyfriend, but you have to think of yourself, too. IMO you are wise to not want to rush into anything when you have not even had the chance to date him yet, and it will be extremely difficult to date given his circumstances. LDRs especially are unfortunately very reliant on money, for visits and for reuniting. My resident visa application alone cost over $1000 - non-refundable if declined (fortunately mine was approved, but not everyone is as fortunate). It would never have been doable if both of us had had no money to our name. In the face of such circumstances, it's absolutely not superficial to wonder if you are wasting your time. As cerridwen says, it's only practical. Especially as you are so young, I think you are right to prioritize your own future. 1
Million.to.1 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 This is a very sad situation, and I feel for your boyfriend being where he is and for you with this heartache. Cerridwen and Elswyth have it right. LDR are costly. And moving countries.... huge. The process involved for immigration alone is very is expensive. I can't imagine being in a LDR unless there was timeframe till togetherness. I hope you find a solution, although it seems the odds are staked against you. How long before you graduate? What is his degree in? Do you think he could find work where you are with his qualifications? 1
justwhoiam Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Hi, What is his degree? What kind of job could he aspire to? Anyway, if you really want to give it a try: 1) He should try to get some money working in some neighboring country (in Mauritania, he can double his income; in Morocco he can get 3 or 4 times his current income; in Algeria he can make up to 6 times his current income). 2) He can get a cheap flight to the USA, using "name your price" on the priceline.com website; like if he can spend $80, he will ask for that and he might be around the world for like 48 hours, but he'd come to you through some cheap deal. Better so if he travels with just one hand bag and no checked baggage. 3) He can find free accomodation using couchsurfing.org and/or hospitalityclub.org 4) He can get an internet key with a low budget so that you can skype, see this link: Jennifer in Mali: Internet in Mali: 3G Orange key 5) It's essential that it's not just you wanting things and making efforts, he must do his part and you don't have to try too hard. He clearly needs to go out of his way to achieve his goals and be with you. Or to complete his studies in the US. Or to make more money. You need to give him a year to figure things out. It's not that he can snap his fingers and change things. The fact that he has some education is good. Had he been just broke, with no education, not willing to leave his country, etc. and you wanting to go on with your life in the US, then it'd be pretty a dead situation and a relationship bound to end.
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