When you know you are right, how do you let it go...

[Thinkalot]

I have been told, it's better to be happy, than to be right.

 

I have been told to learn when to let an argument go, and agree to disagree.

 

I can, and do, manage it some of the time too...and more often than I used to.

 

And yet sometimes, when I just KNOW I am right, I am like a dog with a bone. This gets my fiance pretty worked up and angry, especially when he requests that we drop it and simply agree to disagree.

 

I get stuck on it though. Sure, I think my OCD is partly to blame in these instances, but it's also partly a personality thing I guess.

 

How do you manage to let things go, when it's something on which you know you are actually right, and that your partner has got it wrong (maybe you even have proof- as in you wrote the date in a diary or something..etc).

 

I have to get better at this, especially when it comes to the small stuff.

[GirlDown]

i think it's just a matter of being irritated with other people's blatantly obvious stupidity.

 

sometimes you let it go. other times, they need to be told, and you need to be the one to tell them.

 

 

i have dealt with that all day.

 

i feel for you.

[moimeme]

You understand that you are involving yourself in a power struggle and that that's a wretched thing for two people who claim to love each other do. Why do you need to be right? What will it gain you?

 

i think it's just a matter of being irritated with other people's blatantly obvious stupidity.

 

You see, often the other person sees you as thinking of him that way, whether or not you do. And is offended. Which might be all right if it's a stranger on a forum but isn't at all all right when it's someone you care about. Unless you care about being right more than you care about his feelings.

[Thinkalot]

I see the logic of what you are saying Merry, I do. I see that the "better to be happy than right" makes sense too.

 

Something just unleashes itself within though, and I really do become infuriated sometimes when my fiance insists something was A when I know, without a doubt that it was B.

 

Perhaps I am annoyed that he is being so insistent, and not even acknowledging it could have been another way. Perhaps I fear that if I dont stand up and say something on some occassions, I will get walked on.

In the reverse, I think he feels the same way.

 

I think this fear of being trodden on is something we both need to work on letting go completely.

 

He fears if he lets me get away with things, then he will always be a doormat to me, and vice versa. We have discussed this before, and know it is something we need to overcome.

[johan]

I put my faith in the rest of the world.

 

I had this problem at work. I have total confidence in myself in my job and in the past that put me at odds with my teammates. Even though I was nearly always right.

 

It isn't always possible to get others to see what I see coming. I can't communicate perfectly what I just "know". So instead of having the battle with them, more and more I just let it go and let them win some battles. In the end, the right reveals itself all by itself, and I end up looking better for going along with it than I would have if I had stood my ground and fought it out.

 

It's sometimes easier to adjust course to the right path over time when people are softened up by the problems caused by their own ignorance. As opposed to softening them up all by myself and be on the right path from the start, but also having them resent me. It's a bad strategy to win the war by trying to win every battle.

 

With my girlfriend, instead of trying to prove myself right all the time, I just give her little gifts of concession. Sometimes I tease her about it at the same time. Of course, unlike at the office, I tend to be wrong with her frequently. But instead of fighting all the time, she and I have become much sweeter toward each other. Conceding is a little gift you can give each other.

 

Don't compete with him. And don't let him compete with you. Then winning or losing or getting walked won't be possible.

[moimeme]

He fears if he lets me get away with things, then he will always be a doormat to me, and vice versa. We have discussed this before, and know it is something we need to overcome.

 

Thinkalot, what kind of love is it if you actually believe that the person you love will allow you to be a 'doormat'? What kind of love is it if you insist that you're not going to be your supposed beloved's 'doormat'?

 

This is a pitched battle over power, not two people cooperating and being each other's partner. Love is a relationship in which you pull together, not in which you pull away from each other. How can either of you honestly say you love someone who you actually think is trying to dominate you? You need to believe that each of you wants the best for each other, not that each of you wants to be the top dog.

[Thinkalot]

I know- and we know.

We also know that while we have taken steps to get rid of that idea altogether, it hasn't yet been completely removed.

 

He feels I start most of our disagreements/fights, and that from there, we are both at fault, as he reacts so well and our communication needs work.

I feel that is an unfair thing of him to say to me. It feels like blame. It doesnt make me feel like he considers me an equal, but thinks he is a step above somehow.

And yet he says, he respects me and wants me as his equal partner in life, and sees me that way. If I say I feel he is blaming, he says I am taking on a victim role and tells me to get a grip.

He says I have annoying habits, or I push a point on things, or else go on, owing to OCD and he then reacts, not in the way he should.

 

With regards to any OCD related incidents, obviously it DOES start with me.

But in general terms, to say most things start with me, obviously results in me feeling defensive and upset.

 

He feels that if he doesnt point out to me when I am doing my annoying habits, or going on and on, then I will not curb my ways, and he will always feel trampled on by these ways of mine. Hence the "I will not be a doormat" idea.

 

In turn, I feel if I always tip toe around when he is angry or snaps at me over something trivial, that he will always think it is an acceptable way to act around me. I end up feeling bossed. Sometimes it feels as though there is a lot of emphasis on me changing my ways. As I said, obviously I have had a lot of work to do, owing to the OCD, and still am working on it. And yet some other things..well it almost feels like TOO much change is being requested. Like I am doing my best, and yet still, there is always something else to be done...something else I do which cannot be tolerated.

 

Now, obviously these issues are not always dominant, or near the surface. We have actually been going through extended periods of happy calm contented times.

And yet, when these things surface, these underlying feelings come up.

We've discussed them with the psych, who also told us not to fight to be top dog. It seems easier said than done, but we are trying.

[meanon]

I have been told, it's better to be happy, than to be right.

If it's something factual, rather than an issue of perspective, then if you know you're right that should be sufficient. It may be irritating if someone doesn't believe you but you may choose not to prove it every time or insist on an acknowledgement.

 

I can see why it feels like blame to you and why that would bother you. You should be able to talk about things that bother you. A common source of conflict in couples occurs because when women talk about improving their relationship, men feel they are being criticised. I don't know enough about the nature of your disagreements to ascertain if this is what's happening with you and boy. If it is, try and stick to the big stuff not the trivial and make it clear that you know that both of you create the relationship and behave in response to each other.

 

The balance of power is important in a relationship. It can be achieved either through competition or through putting each other's needs first. I've seen successful relationships of both types but the former are more volatile. Most contain elements of both. Many people can change their role in a relationship and become more assertive or more giving.

 

Learning to communicate more effectively is one thing, changing yourself and keeping quiet to avoid conflict quite another. Be true to yourself, Thinkalot

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

 

 

 

You see, often the other person sees you as thinking of him that way, whether or not you do. And is offended. Which might be all right if it's a stranger on a forum but isn't at all all right when it's someone you care about. Unless you care about being right more than you care about his feelings.

 

yes i know, which is why i said sometimes you let it go, and other times they need to be told.

 

i have a best friend who has been treating me like shyt. most often it was "just a bad mood again" and i would let it go. now i care less about her feelings after quite some time of bad moods that seemed only directed at me.

 

later i found out she was jealous that i was moving out with my boyfriend, and had she just talked to me about it, we might be getting along right now.

 

but she didn't. she talked to me like an a-hole for too long, and i got fed up. so i put her feelings aside and told her i was done with her because i hadn't done anything wrong and wasn't dealing with it anymore.

 

i cared about her feelings, but i was sick of mine being dismissed. and i was right. and now she knows it. so sometimes it is all right if it's someone you care about, because why waste your time on someone who should respect you but stopped abruptly when you made a decision that they don't agree with?

 

and as for strangers on a forum, no i don't really care one way or the other.

[Anais]

It is a hard task , Thinkalot. It is not easy to let it go. Don’t blame yourself you are not alone. There would never be arguments in the world otherwise. At least you want to take steps. I am trying hard myself to let the small arguments go. With my husband we don’t get that often as we have LDR. LOL But I know I can be hard on it sometimes.

 

One way to avoid it is to go away and write down your thoughts and leave the discussion for later.

 

It is much better feeling when the person tells you “You were so right, I am sorry” than when the you finally prove that you were right in the end of a long argument.

[Thinkalot]

thank you all

[Bunni]

Me and my boy would fight to the death to prove we are right but he's right about everything, he can't be wrong, that must be why I feel the need to put him in his place. No one is always right (well exept him of corse).

 

proving it is the only way I know to settle it but some of the things we argue about are circumstancial, and not so easy to prove.. for example we fight about this

 

We are in the grocery store shopping and I pick up a bottle of pepsi and open it before we get to the cash register. I have every intention of paying and will when I get to the register but he gets mad at me and says that is stealing.

 

Stealing to me is if I walked out of the store without paying for it then that is stealing but while I am still in the store no crime has been commited.. these are the kind of issues we deal with lol kind of funny actually but annoying to try to prove...

[life loser]

im sure there are a million syaings that go something like:

 

my husband is always right - when he listens to me

 

or something to that effect

 

maybe finsing one of these and thinking it over to your self will make you laugh at the whole situation

[pseud]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

...I get stuck on it though. Sure, I think my OCD is partly to blame in these instances, but it's also partly a personality thing I guess...

 

Do not get into the habit of using OCD and other such conditions as a crutch in life. Letting go of such things is difficult for most everyone.

 

How do you manage to let things go, when it's something on which you know you are actually right, and that your partner has got it wrong (maybe you even have proof- as in you wrote the date in a diary or something..etc)...

 

When the argument is in an active state, I will simply leave knowing that I am correct. I will return at a later point, perhaps an hour, a day, a week, with adequate proof to show that I was correct all along. If I think there is no real argument, I will write it off as trivial and focus on better things.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for the further comments.

 

We actually just had a long weekend away, and spent some time talking about the subjects above, which was useful. We also had a really lovely, warm time together

 

We came to realise we dont really compete with each other so much at all...but we do keep each other in line, and dont take crap. Not so much out of fear of being walked on, but because we have a sense of what we know to be right, and will accept etc. On other things, we each do give, however, we could probably both learn to roll with more things.

 

As for wanting to win an argument, that is something i need to keep working on letting go!

 

And no, i dont use OCD as a crutch in life at all. I merely mention it, because sometimes it can help explain and help others understand, why I will go over and over the ONE thing, or ask the same question again and again.