How to trust? (needing some hellp)

[Haerts]

About a month ago I caught my ex-boyfriend lying and I decided to break up. I can't bear with lies and cheating, and even though I liked being around him, venting on LS and seeking help here made me realize that I should be with someone I can trust and who'll not lie to me.

 

Thing is, lately I've been realizing that I'm kinda paranoid when it comes down to trusting; and that's not regarding dates/boyfriends only, but everyone. Of course, when I'm in a love relationship, these kind of things are stronger and surely deal breakers, while as in a friendship, some of these stuff could be tolerated. I've been seeing other guys and all, none actually caught my attention, but I'm afraid that when I get into another serious relationship, or when I get involved, that I won't be able to trust again, just like it was with my ex - I didn't trust him, but before I catch him lying, it was only my guts saying I couldn't trust him; there was no true reason though.

 

Anyway, my question is: how do you trust someone?

 

I often see people saying (including myself) that all you can do is trust. But how can you actually trust? I'm very secure with myself, but whenever I get involved with a guy, it's clear that I always end up feeling insecure thinking things will end at some point or not go well - this is a pattern in my life, maybe that's why I expect it. I find every move, every text, everything suspicious, even when there's nothing to be worried about. If there's something wrong, I worry (ofc). If everything's great, I worry. It's like I can't stop worrying and overanalysing everything and I really want that to stop! It's like there's nothing that certain guy can do to make me feel secure in a relationship, what often leads me to think that I may be the problem sometimes, and not them.

 

I've tried not to think about them as much. Not messaging/calling them for no reason. Working on things of my own, like college, own friends and other parts of my life that doesn't include them. Yet it's like they are all the time in my mind (when I'm involved) and if anything happen (let's say they read a text and don't reply), I already get paranoid thinking a million things, which I think is a trust issue.

 

So I'm really seeking some help here. I don't know how to trust. I can't just let go and let things happen. I'm always expecting the worst. I have enough baggage to make me feel that way, but I don't understand why it's always like that, I don't know how to get over it. I don't understand why I feel perfectly fine and great when I'm not seeing anyone, more motivated than ever, but as soon as I get involved, I get paranoid again. But sometimes I also wonder whether I'm indeed paranoid or if I've had bad luck and never found a guy who actually would make me feel soft, happy and great about a relationship.

 

Has anyone been like that? Does anyone know what can I do to change that behaviour and starting not worrying as much about things? I've been thinking that maybe that indirectly (directly?) made guys run away from me. I like when they say I'm so full of myself though, makes me confirm that I'm fine alone and that I feel great with myself.

 

Any help? :~

(not sure which section this should go to...)

[rapideye]

I know exactly the worry/insecurity you're talking about because I go through it too.

 

In my case, I decided that I need to explore it with a therapist. Despite "feeling ok" with oneself, I truly believe that this type of insecurity is connected to self esteem issues.

It's frustrating because when I'm not dating anyone, I feel great! But dating/relationships are definitely when I start feeling vulnerable and trust becomes very hard.

 

I recommend you try therapy, if you haven't yet - you can learn all sorts of things about yourself!

 

Another thing that has helped me in the past, more as a coping mechanism, is meditation, which can really help us to let go of things we cannot control (such as whether someone is going to lie to us). If you search for basic mindfulness meditation on YouTube, you'll find a few good intro videos to guide you through meditation.

 

Best of luck on your journey.

[mammasita]

I'm the same way....definitely a combination of insecurity and anxiety.

 

I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING. "Why didn't he text me right away" "why didn't he say I love you".

 

I'm learning to just let it be. Being secure and confident enough in myself to know that no matter what happens with my relationship, I will be OK.

 

For me the key is to know that we can only control ourselves (this is always my advice to people here too) our SO will do whatever they want. If they want to cheat, they will cheat no matter what we do. I can't stop it, control him, nor will I worry about it 24/7.

 

Im sure I'm older than you so it's taken me some time to feel this way.

 

As a side note, I also don't date men who think it's ok to hang out with their female friends one on one when in a relationship because I know that would stress me out and I feel the same way about one on one time with male friends when I'm in a relationship.

Edited November 13, 2014 by mammasita

[Haerts]

rapideye, I've done therapy before, not for this issue, but it was so huge in my life that I do define it before/after therapy. I had to move to another town and since I got here, I've been trying to get into therapy again, but it's not happening yet. I'm gonna find a way though. Also, I'm definitely going to try medidation. Never tried that before, so it's worth a shot. I really need to understand that part of me before I try anything more serious with someone else, otherwise I'll just feel the same way and I really don't want to (it makes me want to run away from the relationship).

 

mammasita, I'm just like that too. I've been reading stuff here on LS and other sites that are making me feel more comfortable regarding that situation. About cheating, for example, I once read somewhere that I should not bother trying to control something that I can't, which is what you said. If they want to cheat, they will cheat, so why worry? At the end of the day, all I can really do is trust (then my question comes in again: how to trust?).

 

As for my ex, before the lies, I tried to break up with him once because his behavior was annoying me (regarding other stuff). I immediatly felt like I was throwing a huge weight out of my shoulders. We got back and so did that weight. Eventually we broke up again (for the lies this time) and I felt so free, so great, so motivated to do my stuff... I felt like "YAY, NO MORE WORRIES". It was almost like the relationship was leeching all my happiness, while when I'm alone I can feel so awesome that makes me wonder if I should even bother trying again. I miss all the things relationships provide though. ):

[Lightworker]

I cope with the same thing, and found out that having faith and be outcome independant helps to trust someone. Here is the text i found (i do not know if it is allowed to copy text from the internet. I am new here):

 

Most of us have felt like our trust has been compromised at some point in our lives. Needless to say, these experiences can be very painful. Perhaps we're still scared to trust again. We think to ourselves, "Who can I trust? And how do I know I can trust them?"

 

 

 

But trust is one of those things that we can't just skip over. It's a crucial ingredient in our relationships; some call it the foundation. Without it, it's really difficult to settle-in and just love.

 

 

If we want to experience peace and happiness, then we must learn how to trust. And it's my intention to help you do that. In this article, I'm going to talk about what trust is, why it's a choice, and how to feel more of it in your relationships.

 

 

Let's start off with the undeniable truth: we all have reasons not to trust. What I mean by this is that we've all felt hurt, disappointed, rejected, scared, and abandoned. We have all suffered in some way (actually, we have all suffered in very similar ways), and we have all felt pain in relationships.

 

 

We're all in the same boat. I say this because it's comforting to realize that we're not alone. (We're in this together people!) We've all been hurt, and we're all trying to avoid that happening again.

 

 

Usually the way we try to avoid being hurt in relationships is by holding-off on trusting until we know we are safe. Trusting becomes a mechanism of protection—if the person "earns our trust" then we will gladly give it to them.

 

 

And this is the problem. Because there are never any guarantees.

 

 

Asking someone to "earn our trust" often means we are asking them not to make any mistakes and not to cause us to feel uncomfortable feelings. And this is an impossible task.

 

 

Unfortunately guarantees are not found in relationships (computers come with guarantees—not people). And guarantees are definitely not found in our love relationships. (We're way too complex for that). In fact (you're not going to like this), what you probably can guarantee is that you will feel hurt sometimes by the people you love.

 

 

I wish I could tell you otherwise but the truth is that disappointment, rejection, fear, and abandonment are all part of the deal in relationships. We feel these feelings regardless of who we are with. Not because we are with untrustworthy people, but because we are humans.

 

 

Trusting is a decision you must make knowing that there aren't any guarantees.

 

 

You have to realize that trust is not about finding the perfect, trustworthy person; it's about signing-up to work through hurt when it arises.

 

 

If we relate to trust through this perspective then trusting becomes much easier. All of the sudden we shift from trying to avoid being hurt (which is impossible), to recognizing that we can move through anything that comes our way. This helps us feel empowered (aka a little more trusting and a little less fearful).

 

 

When we use past experiences as reasons not to trust again, then we are really only hurting ourselves. Again, we all have reasons not to trust. We all have a long list! But walling ourselves off from each other only perpetuates the problem—this does not keep us safe; it keeps us lonely.

 

 

So if you are scared to trust, what can you do?

 

 

Simple. You can make an informed decision and go for it.

 

 

That's right. Jump in and have faith.

 

 

When you decide to trust someone it means that you believe in that person's integrity. Trusting is knowing that ultimately this person's intentions are good. And it also means that you know that they are going to make mistakes.

 

 

When we're scared, we make mistakes (by mistakes I mean we hurt others, we don't act in our highest integrity). Fear makes us do some crazy s#*t. And if you're being honest with yourself, you know that you've done some crazy s#*t. It's unfortunate but true.

 

 

If we could collectively realize this and approach others with compassion when they are wigging out, rather than condemnation, this world would be a completely different place (and our relationships would definitely be filled with a lot more trust).

 

 

If we trust ourselves first and foremost, it allows us to deal with the mistakes of others with a little more grace and ease. If you know that no matter what—no matter what your partner does, no matter what challenges arise—you are going to be OK, then trusting is going to be easier to do.

 

 

You recognize that trust isn't about never feeling another negative emotion again; it's about knowing that you can handle anything that comes your way. This is real trust (it's commonly referred to as faith).

 

 

Trusting is not about choosing the right person. I mean, it is a choice, so try not to choose blindly. But remember, you are not signing up to be in relationship with a robot--you are signing up to be with another human being.

 

 

What you are saying when you choose to trust someone is, "I know that deep down you are a good person with good intentions. I know you are going to get scared and loose it from time to time, and I will try to support you and/or act with compassion when that happens. And I know that ultimately, my well-being is up to me."

 

 

This a big statement—a real commitment. It is also very doable.

 

 

I understand that sometimes you're scared; I get that you've been hurt. I've been there, too. But I want you to you that no matter what, you are going to be OK.

 

 

Trust that. Believe that. Know that.

 

 

When you do, you will be able to offer trust to others too, and it will serve as the foundation for many long-lasting, loving relationships to firmly build upon.

Edited November 14, 2014 by Lightworker

[Gloria25]

Well, maybe I'm not the best one to reply here because I still have trust issues...I've had it so long that it's molded me into "Ms. Independent". I never been married, no kids, won't do anything that makes me "vulnerable" to a man.

 

I'm also like this with people. At work or any other thing not involving men I don't like to ask for help. Even when I've had to go to the doctor for Lasik and my treatment for fibroids, I didn't want no one to drive me home. I wanted to get a taxi and take care of myself. Thankfully my family stepped in.

 

I do not plan to get therapy for this. I guess I'm so far gone that I rather hide in my shell than put myself out there.

 

What I recommend you do is akin to "forgive, but do not forget". In other words, remember the bad things that were done to you. Don't forget the red flags. Then, just let go. The only way you can build trust is to allow the person/circumstance to happen. But never "forget"...when you see a red flag, don't ignore it.

 

I think a lot of people who fear trusting doesn't have to do with other people's crap. It has to do with that person's fear that they don't trust THEMSELVES to make an informed decisions when the red flags start flying.

 

Maybe for that you can get sorta a "sponsor" (i.e. a friend, family member) who you respect and trust. If you don't trust yourself to not get f-d over again, hopefully that person can start seeing the red flags and help you if you are getting yourself in a bad situation again.

 

Some people say that it's 'Better to have loved and lost, rather than not love at all'. So, hiding behind your trust issues - while it may protect you, you may miss out on some great people/moments and/or life. I guess life is a combo of sweet and bittersweet.

Edited November 14, 2014 by Gloria25