lalily Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, he's 30, I'm 27. We also live together and plan a future together. The reason why I post here is that I'm really worried about his relation to his ex-girlfriend. He dated her when they were in high school, She broke up with him when they were 19. Then they started dating again when they were both 25, so 5 years ago. They were together for another 1.5 years, broke up again, not because of missing love or so, but because they just didn't work out, fought too much. I know that partly from him, partly from a mutual friend who went to high school with them. Well, fast forward, he says they're still friends. He says then when I ask him, but he barely talks about her. I sometimes see him texting with her, but he keeps saying they're just friends. She lives in another country, so they almost never see each other. Sometimes she comes home though to visit family and friends and then they sometimes meet, never alone, but with other friends. She also knows about me, I have met her twice. She's single. Both times I met her she completely ignored me, just said hi to me and that was it. The reason why I worry is not just because they're still friends (myself, I could never imagine to stay friends with an ex- But that's just me. I know other people can do it). The reason I worry is because he's still what sapping her. Sometimes I even saw him texting late in the evening (without seeing who he's texting) and then he receives a response at 1am or so from her (twice his phone woke me up and I looked at it and saw that she texted him- Obviously I didn't open the messages, I just saw her name and the beginning of the message, like hi..). Now, a few days ago, I was using his computer (he has Photoshop and Word, I don't- He allows me to use his computer for that) and he always has his email account open, but I never read anything. I was just typing something in Word when a little window popped up in the right corner, saying that I (well, he) just received an email from that girl, his ex-girlfriend. You don't have to tell me that snooping around is not okay, but since I've been jealous for a while now I just instantly clicked the email without thinking. I could see that he emailed her the day before, sending her a random meme from the internet, saying 'Look, this made me think of you. I don't have your cell number by the way'. And she just answered 'Haha that's funny. Hope you're good? Here is my number: ..." I obviously don't think he's physically cheating on me with her, that's barely possible since she lives in another country etc., but I'm really worried that my boyfriend is still not over her. That maybe he still has feelings for her somewhere, I mean they were a couple twice and have been knowing each other for so long. And as I said, they didn't break up because of not loving each other, but because of too much fighting/being incompatible. I just don't get why he would still send her emails sending her pictures that reminded him of her and asking for her new number. And staying in contact in Whatsapp. Am I just being paranoid or is there probably a reason to be worried? Thank you.
Orije Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I'm sorry t hear about what is going on with you and your boyfriend. What I believe is best to do is to be extremely honest with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. Let him know its either you or the ex. The ex had a chance in his life and lost it, now he is with you and should only be talking to you. I respect my relationships, meaning I am friends with my exs, but in no way do I stay in constant communication because that is rude to my partners feelings. Put him in your shoes and be honest, but don't be harsh on him! If it doesn't work let us know! 1
newmoon Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 don't delude yourself that her being in another country = not cheating. emotional cheating is often worse because it's undermining your current relationship. if he's devoting time to her in any way it takes away time and thoughts from you. i wouldn't tolerate it. he might not still be in love with her, but she's got something he's interested in and taken with so he's kept up that contact. it doesn't mean you're not exceptional, but there is no place for that type of contact or friendship in a relationship, especially one where you seem to be living together and committed. i'd show him the door until he gets his priorities straight, or ask that he stop all contact or allow you to read all of it. friends with ex's is crazy and you already know that. you can't be friendly where there was once sexual interest; someone is still interested, whether him or her. 1
Standard-Fare Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I think issuing an ultimatum to him (i.e. "Stop all contact with her for my sake") would only push him to retreat into secrecy, while your suspicions/doubts would only grow. But you do have a right to express your discomfort delicately. I think you could explain to him that you don't fully understand the dynamic (or the general concept of being friends with exes), and that it's starting to make you uncomfortable. Not that you distrust him, but that you need to make sure it doesn't interfere with your own relationship. The ex shouldn't have an all-access pass to your boyfriend. Texting in the middle of the night is inappropriate. 1
Donnie Darko Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 One or both of them probably lost their virginity to the other. The first sexual partner especially from a relationship can create a bonding that lasts a life time with one or both of them still harboring feelings about the fantasy of what they had before with one another. Or maybe they are just friends.
Gloria25 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 (edited) Seems like he hasn't moved on... And, if in the few times you met her she was not nice to you, she doesn't respect you. You know, actually I was watching Cheaters today and a "friend" of a friend was cheating on her with her bf. When they got "caught" this "so called friend" was quick to laugh at the girl and say like "he's now with me, I don't need you as a friend anymore - get lost". Sometimes there's just mean chicks who get a kick out of messing with other women's guys. This chick sounds like this. I mean, she has no reason to continue to contact him from afar. She also disrespects your RL cuz she continues to be communicating with him, despite him living with you and planning a future with you. I recommend you tell your bf to come clean with you as to why maintaining this contact is important to him, that people in RLs don't spend all this time with an ex, and for him to let her know that this is inappropriate. Have him call her and tell her over the phone that he will no longer communicate with her because he made a mistake and it was inappropriate. Make sure he does it with you present there so she gets the message that you two are a united front and she needs to get a clue. I think that in a RL, once you start spending more time doing things with another man/woman than with your SO - something is wrong. Especially if he's doing it at all times of the nite and/or behind your back. BTW, like Donnie Darko was leaning towards - this may be more of a fantasy or ego boosting for him. He needs to grow up. I don't think there was any "real" connection there, just "puppy love". And, if he's not mature enough to make a grown up decision vs holding on to a fantasy, then maybe you have a decision to make about this RL. Or, You could do a "cheeky" thing and take his phone and pretend to be him and respond to her and see how far she goes with it. Edited November 13, 2014 by Gloria25
mariekatie Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, he's 30, I'm 27. We also live together and plan a future together. The reason why I post here is that I'm really worried about his relation to his ex-girlfriend. He dated her when they were in high school, She broke up with him when they were 19. Then they started dating again when they were both 25, so 5 years ago. They were together for another 1.5 years, broke up again, not because of missing love or so, but because they just didn't work out, fought too much. I know that partly from him, partly from a mutual friend who went to high school with them. Well, fast forward, he says they're still friends. He says then when I ask him, but he barely talks about her. I sometimes see him texting with her, but he keeps saying they're just friends. She lives in another country, so they almost never see each other. Sometimes she comes home though to visit family and friends and then they sometimes meet, never alone, but with other friends. She also knows about me, I have met her twice. She's single. Both times I met her she completely ignored me, just said hi to me and that was it. The reason why I worry is not just because they're still friends (myself, I could never imagine to stay friends with an ex- But that's just me. I know other people can do it). The reason I worry is because he's still what sapping her. Sometimes I even saw him texting late in the evening (without seeing who he's texting) and then he receives a response at 1am or so from her (twice his phone woke me up and I looked at it and saw that she texted him- Obviously I didn't open the messages, I just saw her name and the beginning of the message, like hi..). Now, a few days ago, I was using his computer (he has Photoshop and Word, I don't- He allows me to use his computer for that) and he always has his email account open, but I never read anything. I was just typing something in Word when a little window popped up in the right corner, saying that I (well, he) just received an email from that girl, his ex-girlfriend. You don't have to tell me that snooping around is not okay, but since I've been jealous for a while now I just instantly clicked the email without thinking. I could see that he emailed her the day before, sending her a random meme from the internet, saying 'Look, this made me think of you. I don't have your cell number by the way'. And she just answered 'Haha that's funny. Hope you're good? Here is my number: ..." I obviously don't think he's physically cheating on me with her, that's barely possible since she lives in another country etc., but I'm really worried that my boyfriend is still not over her. That maybe he still has feelings for her somewhere, I mean they were a couple twice and have been knowing each other for so long. And as I said, they didn't break up because of not loving each other, but because of too much fighting/being incompatible. I just don't get why he would still send her emails sending her pictures that reminded him of her and asking for her new number. And staying in contact in Whatsapp. Am I just being paranoid or is there probably a reason to be worried? Thank you. I don't think is right at all. I think she probably hates you too. By the way she treats you, she totally didnt respect you. maybe she enjoys the attention that your boyfriend is giving you attention. If i knew my ex have a girlfriend and i personally know her, i'll never do this. And your boyfriend is WRONG for doing this to you. Snooping is not right but what he's doing isnt right too. Emailing her and whatsapping often is weird. Emotionally cheating is as bad as physical cheating. I hardly even talk to my ex even though we are friends. I feel it's not respecting my boyfriend, and i know for sure he wouldn't like it. My advice is to talk to him about it. Maybe it's selfish but if i were you, i'll tell him to choose as he had already step way over the line. It seems like shes not over him as well. Who could be friends with their ex? It's hard, especially when you have a new partner. He should leave the past where it is, in the past. I don't think you're over-reacting. I would had freaked out and throw it to him immediately. I admire your calm-ness and maturity in handling this situation. Talk to him, you have your rights. If he cant do it for you, he's not worth it. It's shady.
Author lalily Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 I wanna think you guys for your answers. Of course I would love just to throw it in his face and tell him he should never talk to her again or otherwise I'll walk, but I know that would just make it worse. He would get pissed and that's it. I'll have to talk to him in a calm manner and I'll do it these days, will post what he said. The thing is it's so hard to bring it up because I don't wanna seem like the snooping person ('I saw your ex emailed you back after you emailed her first', 'I saw how your ex texted you back t 1am'). You're absolutely right, I think it's really disrespectful. I haven't talked to my ex ever since we're in a relationship and I think I would have talked to him if I wasn't. I just also feel it's disrespectful towards my boyfriend and I wouldn't want to risk my relationship for an ex.
Toodaloo Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I am friends with some of my exes... We don't behave like that... None of us would ever dream of late night text/ phone calls unless extremely drunk (in which case we would probably be too drunk to dial anyway) or an emergency... It just wouldn't occur to any of my exes nor myself to behave in that way. yes we keep in touch, send birthday and Christmas cards, stop by when in the area and chat for half an hour every couple of months or so... Shady... I don't think they are over each other at all. I think you need to have a calm quiet word. 1
johnson_j Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Having recently come out of the reverse situation (ex-girl texting ex-guy), I'd walk now. This other girl is sabotaging your relationship whether you know it or not. Either he's committed to you, or to her. But not both. If she wants to write him from time to time (once or twice a month) no biggie, but daily, not acceptable. He is showing you NO respect. 1
Gloria25 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I wanna think you guys for your answers. Of course I would love just to throw it in his face and tell him he should never talk to her again or otherwise I'll walk, but I know that would just make it worse. He would get pissed and that's it. I'll have to talk to him in a calm manner and I'll do it these days, will post what he said. The thing is it's so hard to bring it up because I don't wanna seem like the snooping person ('I saw your ex emailed you back after you emailed her first', 'I saw how your ex texted you back t 1am'). You're absolutely right, I think it's really disrespectful. I haven't talked to my ex ever since we're in a relationship and I think I would have talked to him if I wasn't. I just also feel it's disrespectful towards my boyfriend and I wouldn't want to risk my relationship for an ex. Don't get what you're scared of...my brother's wife and kids use his phone/notepad/laptop all the time and vice versa. He and his wife have nothing to hide. I mean, sometimes I don't know if I'm talking to my brother, his wife, or the kids. If he takes issue with you seeing these messages on his stuff - something's wrong. It's not like you are spying on him. I do believe in speaking to him gently about it. You don't want to push him into her arms and, this might just be an ego thing or holding on to a fantasy for him.
Author lalily Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Having recently come out of the reverse situation (ex-girl texting ex-guy), I'd walk now. This other girl is sabotaging your relationship whether you know it or not. Either he's committed to you, or to her. But not both. If she wants to write him from time to time (once or twice a month) no biggie, but daily, not acceptable. He is showing you NO respect. I generally agree, but they're not texting every day. I cannot say how often they actually talk to each other because I'm not checking his phone or anything, but I highly doubt they're texting every day, I would have seen her name more often on his phone (which he lets lie around everywhere).
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