Feeling less of a man!

[mattjord]

Hi all

 

First time poster and my subject is something quite unusual i think!

 

Bit of background, i am 37 year old male, girlfriend is 34, been together a year, no kids for any of us, live seperate but stop at each others house reguarly.

 

She is the love of my life, i fancy her more everyday, love her as a person and i couldnt be happier in most ways and i want to spend my future with her with all the stuff that comes with it

 

However, there are times where she makes me feel less of a man (i dont think intentionally) and i question whether i am her type, i know this sounds a bit immature and pathetic but bear with me.

 

Just to give an idea, she works in a very male dominated environment, she says there is always a lot of male / female banter going and as its a security type job, the men tend to be very manly, ie - bodybuilders, cage fighters, etc, i have met a couple of them and they seem nice guys.

 

I myself am a 6ft 1", strong (ish) man, i like a laugh, i seem to be quite a popular person, and i think i am probably what would be regarded as a decent man. I like usually man things, sports, a drink, etc, etc.

 

However when it comes to shall we say 'mans jobs' she just doesnt seem to know i exist and its now at the stage where i have mentioned it previous but she pays no attention. To give example of what i mean, any manual jobs in her house such as lifting things, building things, moving things, etc she gets in a few of her male friends from work and doesnt even ask me, this has happened all through our relationship. I am a capable person and can do all things these men do, I have spoke to her about it and said why doesnt she include me and so a couple of weeks ago she wanted something doing and she did, yet my role was to pretty much stand there and do nothing and it made me feel quite insecure as she kept saying how great these others were for doing different things.

 

The problem has arisen again recently as she is having some stuff moved at hers, i had said let me know next time she was and i would help, she said of course she would but i knew she wouldnt and sure enough she advised me that a few men from work had come round and done all this stuff and again i just a bit humiliated.

 

I am not jealous in a 'will she run off with them' in anyway, its not those sort of feelings but the way she is is making me feel less manly and as most men will vouch for its a rubbish feeling, i have spoke to her about it and she always says next time she will ask my help and yet with the exception of the time above, never does! I am hoping we will be living together soon, getting married and yet i have this concern that any jobs need doing she will get her friends in whilst i am at work. I have tried doing a few bits i know she wants doing in advance, make a good job yet its made no difference.

 

I have sometimes wondered do i really float her boat, there is nothing the matter with me, i am a decent looking man in a conventional way, but from knowing what her exes looked like and the types of celebrity she fancies she has a certain type (beefcakes, tattoos) a couple of her friends have commented they never imagined she would end up with somebody like me as i am nothing like what she goes for but they said she is happier than ever. The above combined with the fact she always asks for others to help but not me makes me feel less of a man.

 

She treats me great in most ways, she loves me make me happy and i do so with her, our relationship is 90% great but i just dont understand whether she sees me in a safe and dare i say boring way, rather than does she see me as a real man who she fancies like mad and who gets her going.

 

Sorry for the long post, it may sound a minor problem buts is getting bigger to me so any advice is welcome.

Edited November 12, 2014 by mattjord

[Assasda]

She will leave you if you keep searching for validation from her.

You are who you are. She doesnt make you whho you are.

I suggest yoyu start living your life on your own terms,

or

I think you'll go down a round of deeper insecurity and she'll end up resenting you for it.

 

Being manly isnt your problem. Your problem is that you seek validation

[Maleficent]

Most 'manjobs' around a house are better done with help. I wouldn't expect anyone to build a deck or move a couch by themselves...

 

Have you ever considered that maybe she was getting her male friends to help *you* and that she never asked *you* because she assumed you would do it with the help of her friends?

 

And have you ever considered that if you end up standing there while the other men do the job because you assume that since she didn't ask you to do it, she didn't want you to do it?

 

You know what they say 'assuming makes and a$$ out of you and me' (get it? a$$-u-me hahahahaha!)

[90s kid]

Either she doesn't feel comfortable asking you for help/ doesn't want you to go out of your way

OR

She doesn't think you're capable of doing the things she needs done.

 

 

Next time you something that needs to be fixed, take the initiative and fix it without waiting for her to ask. Maybe when she sees how capable you are and how much you enjoy helping her with those things, she'll be more likely to ask for your help in the future.

[mariekatie]

Maybe she didn't put much thought into it when she asked those guys for help. I doubt she would think that "my boyfriend is not manly enough to do it" because if she were, she wouldn't be with you. When we have a boyfriend, we always think they are the best. Well i guess maybe she just didn't want to bother you. Don't think too much about it. I understand that you feel insecure,but the best way is to talk to her about it.

 

If she doesn't change, you just need to decide if you can deal with it or not. You can't force someone to change. its either you take it or leave it. Some people can't never change. So you need to decide for yourself.

[ScreaminEagle]

If it really bothers you that much, next time you need the services of the female mind, decorating, baking, does this tie match my shirt, ask one of your female friends and tell her about it, lets see how she reacts but don't ask or include her.

[SawtoothMars]

She treats me great in most ways, she loves me make me happy and i do so with her, our relationship is 90% great but i just dont understand whether she sees me in a safe and dare i say boring way, rather than does she see me as a real man who she fancies like mad and who gets her going.

Sorry for the long post, it may sound a minor problem buts is getting bigger to me so any advice is welcome.

 

Ok... why does she have guys constantly doing crap for her? That is seriously creepy. Most guys don't drop everything to be at the beck and call of a woman they don't expect sex from.

 

This woman is making you feel insecure. She needs to stop. I would literally tell her that this is a problem and that you expect her to fix it. If she fixes it... awesome woman. If she doesn't... she isn't worth it. Do not get a case of golden vagina syndrome. There is always something prettier, smarter, more caring... ect.

[mattjord]

Hi all

 

Thanks for all the replies, really do appreciate your advice.

 

Just a couple of things in response to a few.

 

If i know something around the house needs doing, i do it and do it well, that isnt an issue.

 

However to give an example what i mean she needed some stuff moving which needed a few people, she said she would need to arrange a day when everyone was free, i said well i want to help too, she said no problem and she would let me know so i could be available. Anyway, all of a sudden a few days ago she said the job had been done, she got a few friends from work together and they had done it, i didnt know when they were doing it or anything about it, that type of thing has happened a few times.

 

Also the times when i have helped out i didnt stand there out of choice, she has known these people a lot longer than she has known me and so they seem to have their own routine and it was like 'he will do one thing, he will do another' and i just was barely included, i understand sometimes people do what they know but its not nice feeling useless!

 

The guys she asks round are long time friends and i know she sees them like brothers, i dont think there is any 'feelings' there, they go the movies, for something to eat and are all just good friends. They all have partners too but my girlfriend still helps them with stuff which their partners could perhaps do. That i dont have a problem with, i wouldnt want her to not see her friends, stop them helping or her change her relationship with them in anyway, they arent the problem, the problem is why she wont include me with them.

 

I am aware how petty this post sounds but a lot of little things add up to a big thing and this has been going on since day one in our relationship and despite several chats and attempts from me to show i am capable, nothing changes. Because of the environment she works in she is quite tough, she isnt the most emotional and i wouldnt say i am either but i am compared to her!

 

I am fully aware that some of this is insecurity on my part, like i said previous i am regular looking man, i dont wish to change my appearance or become somebody i am not, but looks wise the types of people she usually fancies are proper mens men, ie - beefcakes, muscles, etc and that combined with the fact she doesnt seem to want me involved in 'manly' jobs makes me think does she in somehow not see me that way?

Edited November 13, 2014 by mattjord

[todreaminblue]

hey matt,

 

i dotn knwo if i can make you feel better but./......

 

to me she sees those men as brothers.......and she sees you as a boyfriend....would you really want that to be the other way around...maybe just have another talk with her be open and honest as you have been but this time remind her that she has said similar things before and nothing changed.......deb

[BikerAccnt]

I understand this, I sometimes feel the same way.

 

There's nothing you can do about it, you are who you are. My GF is used to men who work with their hands. Manly men you might say. Her Ex husband had a physical job, as did her boyfriends before him. All of her brothers have physical jobs. Mechanic, construction, landscape etc.

 

Me, I'm an office drone with a college degree. Sometimes she says things that make me feel she wishes I was a bit more like those men but, oh well, I'm not. She stays with me (10 mos now, aside from a small "hiccup") and always wants to see me. So, I must be doing something right as a man for her.

 

Am I her "ideal" man? Perhaps not. Not anymore than she's my "ideal" woman. Ideal is a nice idea, but no-one can live up to it. Obviously I have enough ideal qualities that make her stick around. That's all any of us can hope for.

 

So, don't sweat it. You can only be who you are.

[carhill]

The problem has arisen again recently as she is having some stuff moved at hers, i had said let me know next time she was and i would help, she said of course she would but i knew she wouldnt and sure enough she advised me that a few men from work had come round and done all this stuff and again i just a bit humiliated

 

Invite these guys over for a nice BBQ and sit around with them drinking a few brews and popping tasters and express your appreciation for their generosity. After all, they're friends of your relationship. I'm sure your GF will be happy to fix the salad and set out the plates. Maybe acts such as this can help you recover the balance you apparently feel you have lost along the way regarding your 'manhood'.

[losangelena]

Matt, I think you're drawing a line between two things that are not connected. You say you feel insecure about the fact that your GF asks her friends to help her move things, and then you blame the fact that you're not some muscle-bound meathead, and that she doesn't see you "that way." That sounds like some really fuzzy math there and it's illogical.

 

Maybe, instead of focusing on the ways that you feel insecure, try and focus on the ways that she does make you feel good; the things she does for you or asks you to do that make you feel special and loved.

 

I totally get it, because I do the same thing with the guy I'm seeing. Our relationship is much newer—2.5 months—but I have a tendency to focus solely on the things he *doesn't* do (the things that make me feel insecure) instead of focusing on all the ways he does convey interest and affection. I've come to see that operating out of that insecurity TOWARD the other person is a subtle way to sabotage things. Yes, be open with her about how you feel, but know that it's probably something within yourself that needs working on.

[Redhead14]

Either she doesn't feel comfortable asking you for help/ doesn't want you to go out of your way

OR

She doesn't think you're capable of doing the things she needs done.

 

 

Next time you something that needs to be fixed, take the initiative and fix it without waiting for her to ask. Maybe when she sees how capable you are and how much you enjoy helping her with those things, she'll be more likely to ask for your help in the future.

 

Yes, take the intiative when you can. Beyond that, if there have been some things she's asked you to do in the past, you can say "I like it when you ask me to do things for you. It makes me feel good to help around here".

[GoBlue]

Open and honest communication is the basis of all committed relationships. Sitting down and sharing how you feel is normal between two people who are considering marriage. Whether it's a valid concern or not, it is how you feel. To really get a grasp of the condition of your relationship, premarital counseling is a great idea. Living together before marriage is not. Statistics show over-and-over again that people who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate, lower levels of marital satisfaction, and a higher rate of domestic violence. Insecurity always has a source - counseling really allows a couple to see things that they may have been blind to. Not for the purpose of blame or ending the relationship, but to strengthen the bond. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[stillafool]

If it really bothers you that much, next time you need the services of the female mind, decorating, baking, does this tie match my shirt, ask one of your female friends and tell her about it, lets see how she reacts but don't ask or include her.

 

I was thinking of this too. How would your gf react if one of your female friends baked your favorite cake just because you asked her to. It would be interesting to see her response.

[Redhead14]

I was thinking of this too. How would your gf react if one of your female friends baked your favorite cake just because you asked her to. It would be interesting to see her response.

 

This is passive-aggressive and fuel for a bigger issue. Deal with the issue at hand in a non-confrontational way.

[preraph]

A few random ideas.

 

Maybe she doesn't want her man to be a handy man. Maybe she likes to pretend he's more sophisticated or something than to want to see him dirty his hands.

 

Maybe she doesn't want you mixing with these old friends of hers because they like to tease her and tell every embarrassing thing that she ever did like brothers will do. I'm leaning on that. Like maybe she doesn't want one of them to say, I've known Mary since she had zits and not much else.

 

Or maybe she doesn't want you saying anything to them, though it doesn't sound like you would. Has she made any other efforts to keep you separated and not let you buddy up?

 

Maybe one of the guys has a crap temper or something she thinks would be too crude for you. I think you need to sit her down and get to the bottom of it and tell her exactly how you feel about it.

[mattjord]

Hi all

 

Thank you for your very kind replies and advice, i felt a bit stupid posting what seemed such a trivial matter but you have all made it a lot easier!

 

I had a chat with my girlfriend and she said the reason she didnt ask for her help this time was she works 10 minutes from when she lives, the people she works with are pretty much the same distance / timescale so it just made sense to get it out the way after they finished work. Also she said that is the reasons for past times too, she said its like there little team, they all help each other, and its just convenient to ask each others help as its just a routine now.

 

I said i want her to consider me more for helping out and for once i wasnt messing around or making a joke when telling her, i think she realised i was serious about this and hopefully has taken it on board. I said i dont want her to not include anybody else, far from it, i just would like her to know that i am more then capable of doing stuff she asks others to do and would like to do my bit along with her friends.

 

In regards to her work colleagues, i have met the one briefly and he seemed a nice guy and as stated before i dont think there is any feelings to any of them. I do agree maybe she is reluctant for me to meet them properly due to work conversations, etc. I am a very open minded person but she has told me some of the conversations that take place at the work place and even i found them a bit unusual, i think there is a lot of sexual innuendos, crude comments, etc and i think she is more than happy to give as good as she gets.

 

I am not bothered about any of that, i have been in locker rooms, nights out, etc and so know my fair share about that type of stuff and also can more than hold my own in those types of situations but i do wonder if for some reason she sees me a as prude (no idea why as we have some very random crude conversations!) maybe she is a bit worried incase some of their work conversations come out, i sense my girlfriend is a very different character at work than out of work (she has to be due to the environment) and maybe she thinks i will think less of her if i hear stuff she says, etc.

 

I wouldnt at all, i am not bothered what she says as long as its all for a bit of fun and humour which i am quite sure it is, i think because i hear so much about these people i would just like to meet them and spend time with them, i dont want her relationships to change with them or get me involved with everything they all do, just maybe involve me now and again and an ideal thing would be general help so i dont feel she is asking other men to do what i should be doing.

Edited November 14, 2014 by mattjord

[preraph]

Ah, very good. I do think it's some about those work conversations and you have the right attitude about it. I used to work in a business atmosphere where there was a lot of innuendos, in fact it was the norm, and the person I had to be there in order to get along and not be the butt of it was a smart mouthed person that I wouldn't have wanted a man I loved to necessarily ever meet. Women in the workplace have legal options now to deal with the locker room talk, but I didn't have and I had to give as good as I got to deal with it, and it wasn't always very ladylike! So it's good you understand that situation. My guess is these guys would cool it when they're around her boyfriend, but there could be one who's incorrigible and would embarrass her. But I think you're right on about it and it's a nonissue now you've talked it out. Good luck.