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Can't get over ONS - what is my problem and can you relate??

Lovezen_30

By Lovezen_30
in General Relationship Discussion

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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I am in my early 20s and have mainly had monogamous relationships so far. Aside from that I had had two one night stands. One with a close friend and the other with someone I had just met. In these instances I thoroughly enjoyed the physical aspect, left the next day and didn't really think about the encounter again. In fact I used to joke that I was more like a man in this area because I didn't feel so emotional afterwards.

 

Until I met this guy through mutual friends. The second I saw him I knew I had to have him. We clicked, connected for hours about our lives and ended up sleeping together. It was the most intimate ONS I have had and even more intimate than some of the sexual experiences I have had with long term boyfriends. The next day he cuddled me for a long time, wanted to know about my life and I didn't leave til late afternoon.

 

But since then? We have seen each other and chatted but he has been very distant (aside from one occasion when he started confiding his deepest darkest fears when drunk). He admitted he felt guilty (this was his first ONS) and he is usually a serial monogamist. He is also shy in day to day life. In any case the situation isn't salvageable and he has become quite cold with me. This hot/cold behaviour has even involved not saying hello on one occasion and has hurt me. So why can I not get over it this time and move on? It's been a month! Help me figure it out please!

Edited by Lovezen_30
OwMyEyeball Established Member

OwMyEyeball

Posted
Posted

You both dropped your guards, expressed your rawest selves to each other, accepted each other in that vulnerable state, shared a deeply intimate experience together and for a moment felt genuine mutual love.

 

Then the bond was broken when he retreated into his shell; and possibly you did as well to some extent - very few people can stand making themselves that vulnerable for extended periods.

 

And so life goes on.

 

You don't have a problem other than being human and having felt the joy of experiencing a deeply touching human moment. Cherish that. It can happen again.

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amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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Posted (edited)

I think you're feeling this way because deep inside you don't want ONS relationships, you want a real relationship, and that's why this is gnawing at you. Did you change your priorities?

 

Most likely this isn't about him but more about you. You're not liking being treated like a ONS. So stop being one.

Edited by amaysngrace
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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
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I think you said it yourself...

 

ONS with guy #2 was with a guy you had a connection with outside of the bedroom.

 

Next time do an ONS with someone you don't have a connection with - which kinda sucks cuz the better connection you have with someone, the better the sex.

 

That's why I stay away from ONS.

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

Posted
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You both dropped your guards, expressed your rawest selves to each other, accepted each other in that vulnerable state, shared a deeply intimate experience together and for a moment felt genuine mutual love.

 

Then the bond was broken when he retreated into his shell; and possibly you did as well to some extent - very few people can stand making themselves that vulnerable for extended periods.

 

And so life goes on.

 

You don't have a problem other than being human and having felt the joy of experiencing a deeply touching human moment. Cherish that. It can happen again.

 

Thank you for these kind words. :) They made me feel much better and allowed me to appreciate the night for what it was.

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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I think you're feeling this way because deep inside you don't want ONS relationships, you want a real relationship, and that's why this is gnawing at you. Did you change your priorities?

 

Most likely this isn't about him but more about you. You're not liking being treated like a ONS. So stop being one.

 

I actually don't want a relationship just yet. Split up with my ex nearly 7 months ago but it was a hard break up. At the moment, I'm focusing on healing...

 

I had no idea that ONS would feel so emotive because that had never happened to that extent before (even previously with a close friend!). But, I think you are probably right that it is more about me. Perhaps where I am in my life right now has caused this change in feeling for whatever reason...

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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Posted
But, I think you are probably right that it is more about me. Perhaps where I am in my life right now has caused this change in feeling for whatever reason...

Yes it is about you. When something similar happened to me over 10 years ago I stopped having them because I knew I wasn't in that place emotionally anymore.

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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Yes it is about you. When something similar happened to me over 10 years ago I stopped having them because I knew I wasn't in that place emotionally anymore.

 

I think it is interesting to note though that I didn't start to feel bad about the situation until he began acting very distant with me. On a personal level I think I would have felt okay about the situation if he had been nice to met in person - but he has been very awkward around me. It has made me reluctant to have any one night stands though, even though I don't want a relationship yet either. Urg...

 

But he reached a new low today! Last week he said he wanted to go to a local show in our town, so I suggested that we ask our whole friend group to go. What does he do? Asks my female flatmate (who he texted + apparently offered to walk home the other night as well) and a few of our other friends if they want to go to this very show I suggested we all go to see! How rude?

 

My flatmate also said that he text her one night when she was out with me (he knew we were together) asking her to let him know if she was coming to a club after. It's making me think he might be coming on to her and if so that is really low...

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
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This is why I won't do the ONS dance.

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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This is why I won't do the ONS dance.

 

Yeah. I had never experienced this before, the minimal ONS experiences I have had were very light hearted afterwards - lesson learned!

 

But I can't believe he is inviting all my friends out and excluding me...despite the fact he said he was so glad to have met me and hoped we could continue hanging without things being awkward. Feels awful.

Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

Posted
Posted

Your night together might have been special, but that doesn't mean he's an awesome human being worthy of your attention and intrigue. The games he's playing sound sh*tty and unkind. Don't feed into it or react to it.

 

It's not that uncommon for guys (esp. with one-night stands) to reveal a sweet and tender side during/after sex that doesn't necessarily extend far beyond the bedroom. But that's often a sign of an emotionally immature person who can't give intimacy its proper respect.

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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Your night together might have been special, but that doesn't mean he's an awesome human being worthy of your attention and intrigue. The games he's playing sound sh*tty and unkind. Don't feed into it or react to it.

 

It's not that uncommon for guys (esp. with one-night stands) to reveal a sweet and tender side during/after sex that doesn't necessarily extend far beyond the bedroom. But that's often a sign of an emotionally immature person who can't give intimacy its proper respect.

 

Yeah. I finally figured this out about a week ago and stopped trying to reach out to him. Actually my friends knew him before I did and they all told me he was a "stand up good guy"!! The last time I saw him we (or so I thought) cleared the air and said that we were going to try being friends. This was suggested by me and he was very keen (or again, so it seemed).

 

To not invite me to an activity I suggested is so unkind. Why do this? He knows my flatmate and I are close...what if he keeps doing this...

Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

Posted
Posted

 

To not invite me to an activity I suggested is so unkind. Why do this? He knows my flatmate and I are close...what if he keeps doing this...

 

It sounds very immature. Like he's making a point of showing you how "cool" he is -- that the ONS didn't affect him, that he has the upper hand.

 

Maybe he's just a deeply insecure person who's overcompensating after showing you a moment of vulnerability. Or maybe he's just truly a d*ck. He's not allowing you to see the difference, so what can you do? You have to move on.

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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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It sounds very immature. Like he's making a point of showing you how "cool" he is -- that the ONS didn't affect him, that he has the upper hand.

 

Maybe he's just a deeply insecure person who's overcompensating after showing you a moment of vulnerability. Or maybe he's just truly a d*ck. He's not allowing you to see the difference, so what can you do? You have to move on.

 

He is definitely this, no doubt about it. Last time I saw him he was fishing for compliments big time. Anyway...

 

Someone I spoke to about this asked me if he was very religious and could he be "punishing" me in some way. I know this certainly doesn't reflect how all religious people are, but I think it is possible. I actually asked him if he had a very religious upbringing the morning after (due to something he had said in relation to being naked...) and it turns out that he had.

 

Yes, the moving on part is fine. However he is asking my group of friends out on activities and excluding me (so, do I just not see them then?). I'm not sure if I can ignore this for any measure of time.

  • 4 weeks later...
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Lovezen_30 Established Member

Lovezen_30

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Posted (edited)

Posted a previous thread about a ONS who was acting strangely. Long story short I slept with a guy in my friend group and now there is a divide within the group.

 

The first time we saw each other post-ONS this guy didn't even say hello & started at the floor instead. Then walked away. All of my friends were there and I was humiliated - since then I have been invited to his house a few times but have declined every time because I feel uncomfortable. His best friend now tells me he ignored me in this way because he is "very shy".

 

This guy and myself discussed expectations after the ONS. We were both recently out of long-term relationships (that neither of us were quite over) and as such not ready to embark on anything more. It was just a ONS. However he has told his friend that he is still unsure about my expectations and if I want more from him.

 

But as I felt too uncomfortable to spend time with him in person, the side of the group that was closer with me have stopped spending time with him completely. In fact, his close friend Jake is now hanging out with us and my ONS is staying home alone as he thinks that HE is not welcome in my home hanging out with all my friends. There is miscommunication EVERYWHERE!

 

As my friends have said the situation has more or less been at the root of this, isn't it up to us to remedy the scenario? I am kind of loathed to speak to him about it but kind of wonder if I should. Thoughts?

Edited by Lovezen_30
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