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If he starts to love someone else, he says that he doesn't know if he would tell me

maryyy

By maryyy
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maryyy Member

maryyy

Posted
Posted

I need help. I don't know what to do, I've always been a very insecure person. My father cheated on my mom several times, my ex basically did the same...and my boyfriend (of 11 months) knows about all this stuff and how insecure I am.

We were talking about a statistics course he is taking in 2 weeks and I told him I'm afraid he will meet someone new and fall in love with her, and he said "I THINK it won't happen.." . I started to feel bad about it and he said he used the expression "think" because I've already told him that he can't be sure about anything.

Then, I asked him "Would you ever tell me if you start to love someone else?"....and his answer was "I don't know...if I felt like I was being wrong with you.".

I immediatly started to feel super insecure, I've always been afraid of this and basically he was confirming my fears. Like "being right" was even an option in that situation. And we have already talked about this before, I always told him that I wanted to know about it if it ever happened.

Then I told him that I'm feeling so afraid that he will cheat on me or has already cheated and I told him I need some space to think. He started to cry and told me that he only said he "didn't know" because that never happened, because he started to overthink about his answer (why would he even need to think about it?) because he didn't want me to misunderstand it and he was looking for the right thing to say but it ended up being the wrong answer (???). He also said "of course it would be wrong", but that was not what he said first.

Anyway...I'm so afraid to get hurt that I don't know what to do right now. It also seems like maybe he is trying to "give me signs" that he has/is or will do it (cheat on me)...because we already had this conversation before and he would always answer "I won't cheat on you and if I do, of course I'll tell you". He knows about all my fears, so I think that maybe there's a chance that he answered that way on purpose, so he can start to prepare me for the worst... I don't know.

What do you think about this? Am I over-analyzing / over-thinking? Do you think I should be careful with him or even break-up with him? I honestly don't know what to do and I need honest opinions.

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted
I need help. I don't know what to do, I've always been a very insecure person. My father cheated on my mom several times, my ex basically did the same...and my boyfriend (of 11 months) knows about all this stuff and how insecure I am.

We were talking about a statistics course he is taking in 2 weeks and I told him I'm afraid he will meet someone new and fall in love with her, and he said "I THINK it won't happen.." . I started to feel bad about it and he said he used the expression "think" because I've already told him that he can't be sure about anything.

Then, I asked him "Would you ever tell me if you start to love someone else?"....and his answer was "I don't know...if I felt like I was being wrong with you.".

I immediatly started to feel super insecure, I've always been afraid of this and basically he was confirming my fears. Like "being right" was even an option in that situation. And we have already talked about this before, I always told him that I wanted to know about it if it ever happened.

Then I told him that I'm feeling so afraid that he will cheat on me or has already cheated and I told him I need some space to think. He started to cry and told me that he only said he "didn't know" because that never happened, because he started to overthink about his answer (why would he even need to think about it?) because he didn't want me to misunderstand it and he was looking for the right thing to say but it ended up being the wrong answer (???). He also said "of course it would be wrong", but that was not what he said first.

Anyway...I'm so afraid to get hurt that I don't know what to do right now. It also seems like maybe he is trying to "give me signs" that he has/is or will do it (cheat on me)...because we already had this conversation before and he would always answer "I won't cheat on you and if I do, of course I'll tell you". He knows about all my fears, so I think that maybe there's a chance that he answered that way on purpose, so he can start to prepare me for the worst... I don't know.

What do you think about this? Am I over-analyzing / over-thinking? Do you think I should be careful with him or even break-up with him? I honestly don't know what to do and I need honest opinions.

 

My own opinion I come to share,

I think you should stop and just grit and bear.

This is a trivial thing at best,

Scrutinizing his word choice, making him contest.

 

You are playing with fire, this self-fulfilling behavior you see,

The more you bring it up, the more it could come to be.

Love your man, with all of your heart,

Don't accuse, don't assume, just observe, that's a good start.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Your own insecurities are poisoning your relationship.

 

You don't "fall in love" with somebody because you sit next to them in class or even study together.

 

I think your BF is trying to tell you that even if in passing he noticed another girl he wouldn't tell you because you couldn't handle it. He's trying to be respectful. I also think that if he genuinely wanted to be with somebody else, he'd break up with you, not cheat. Yes, I understand you will still get hurt but it shows he has integrity. You have to learn to trust in that.

  • Like 5
Assasda Established Member

Assasda

Posted
Posted

OP you sound like an emotional wreck.

Thing is, I dont think your guy is emotionally mature to handle your foolishness.

 

If you ever dont want to hear the answer to one of your insecure questions, just dont ask them, As easy as that.

 

I dont know what you put "breaking up with him" as an option, because, you are so insecure, you can never do it.

But I do think that you guys should find some way to break it off, and you should spend some time building your self-esteem up

  • Like 3
mariekatie Established Member

mariekatie

Posted
Posted
I need help. I don't know what to do, I've always been a very insecure person. My father cheated on my mom several times, my ex basically did the same...and my boyfriend (of 11 months) knows about all this stuff and how insecure I am.

We were talking about a statistics course he is taking in 2 weeks and I told him I'm afraid he will meet someone new and fall in love with her, and he said "I THINK it won't happen.." . I started to feel bad about it and he said he used the expression "think" because I've already told him that he can't be sure about anything.

Then, I asked him "Would you ever tell me if you start to love someone else?"....and his answer was "I don't know...if I felt like I was being wrong with you.".

I immediatly started to feel super insecure, I've always been afraid of this and basically he was confirming my fears. Like "being right" was even an option in that situation. And we have already talked about this before, I always told him that I wanted to know about it if it ever happened.

Then I told him that I'm feeling so afraid that he will cheat on me or has already cheated and I told him I need some space to think. He started to cry and told me that he only said he "didn't know" because that never happened, because he started to overthink about his answer (why would he even need to think about it?) because he didn't want me to misunderstand it and he was looking for the right thing to say but it ended up being the wrong answer (???). He also said "of course it would be wrong", but that was not what he said first.

Anyway...I'm so afraid to get hurt that I don't know what to do right now. It also seems like maybe he is trying to "give me signs" that he has/is or will do it (cheat on me)...because we already had this conversation before and he would always answer "I won't cheat on you and if I do, of course I'll tell you". He knows about all my fears, so I think that maybe there's a chance that he answered that way on purpose, so he can start to prepare me for the worst... I don't know.

What do you think about this? Am I over-analyzing / over-thinking? Do you think I should be careful with him or even break-up with him? I honestly don't know what to do and I need honest opinions.

 

I can see you have major issues. Trust issues and insecurity. Maybe you were hurt badly in the past and afraid. BUT please remember that the more afraid you are, the more it pushes him away. We don;t know the full story but judging from what you said, he's just bad with expressing and insensitive perhaps. Maybe you both had this subject WAY TOO MANY TIMES and it cause him to be frustrated. He's tired of reassuring you. Don't overthink what he says, it's not healthy. I tend to do it as well and it leads to a fight. But my boyfriend will always "scold" me and wake me up and i realise it is WRONG. I don't like being insecure or suspicious because it's just all in my mind. I'm recovering from the past hurt now and you should try to. If not it will poison and kill your relationships. Not only with this guy, but also with your future partners. It's tiring to deal with someone like us honestly.

 

I know all you wanna hear is reassurance and that he will never do that to you. But sometimes guys can be insensitive and honest with their answers. You should be kinda glad that he's honest. At least you know he won't be sweet talking to other girls. If he can do it to you, he can do it to others as well.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

You're going to kill this relationship, OP. Your insecurities are yours to work out, not his. He can support you by being understanding and loving, which I think he is, but he can't solve them for you. You are bringing past hurts into this relationship and sabotaging it.

 

If you really want to work this out, stop projecting your fears onto your boyfriend. Look into yourself and ask yourself what you can do to help you feel more secure. You seem to be dealing with emotional issues with external sources, while you should be looking internally.

  • Like 2
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
I need help. I don't know what to do, I've always been a very insecure person. My father cheated on my mom several times, my ex basically did the same...and my boyfriend (of 11 months) knows about all this stuff and how insecure I am.

We were talking about a statistics course he is taking in 2 weeks and I told him I'm afraid he will meet someone new and fall in love with her, and he said "I THINK it won't happen.." . I started to feel bad about it and he said he used the expression "think" because I've already told him that he can't be sure about anything.

Then, I asked him "Would you ever tell me if you start to love someone else?"....and his answer was "I don't know...if I felt like I was being wrong with you.".

I immediatly started to feel super insecure, I've always been afraid of this and basically he was confirming my fears. Like "being right" was even an option in that situation. And we have already talked about this before, I always told him that I wanted to know about it if it ever happened.

Then I told him that I'm feeling so afraid that he will cheat on me or has already cheated and I told him I need some space to think. He started to cry and told me that he only said he "didn't know" because that never happened, because he started to overthink about his answer (why would he even need to think about it?) because he didn't want me to misunderstand it and he was looking for the right thing to say but it ended up being the wrong answer (???). He also said "of course it would be wrong", but that was not what he said first.

Anyway...I'm so afraid to get hurt that I don't know what to do right now. It also seems like maybe he is trying to "give me signs" that he has/is or will do it (cheat on me)...because we already had this conversation before and he would always answer "I won't cheat on you and if I do, of course I'll tell you". He knows about all my fears, so I think that maybe there's a chance that he answered that way on purpose, so he can start to prepare me for the worst... I don't know.

What do you think about this? Am I over-analyzing / over-thinking? Do you think I should be careful with him or even break-up with him? I honestly don't know what to do and I need honest opinions.

 

If you want to stop being insecure, stop being insecure. And don't project past hurts/situations into current situations. Look at this man for who he is, how he makes you feel. As for giving you signs that he will cheat . . . I'd say that is all about you seeing/looking for things that maybe aren't there.

 

Stop talking to him about all this. Let him be who he is and you be who you are and take it one day at a time.

 

Frankly, I think you should break up with him, not because of him, but because you need to get yourself and your insecurities in check before you can have a quality relationship with anyone.

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