road Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Also... "don't do something stupid"... What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is she worried you are going to slit your wrists in the bathtub like some loser? I guess I'm just wondering what stupid people think is stupid.... because up to this point she is the only one who has done something "stupid" R A, revenge affair.
katielee Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 there have been a couple things that my husband has said his IC has advised him to do. Not telling me when he sees the OW: Well, you're going to have to tell her sometime.... Not telling me when OW called him: What good what it do to tell her? I found out about the phone call anyway... If I ever find out his IC advised him not to tell me something when all I've asked for in this marriage is honesty well, I'll tell him to live happily ever after with his IC. Because he's choosing HER advice over MY NEED. I'm not going to be married to someone who is making decisions for me. 3
beatcuff Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 If you are going to cheat and not tell, I think you should be prepared to take it to the grave.... absolutely agree, so why is she STILL talking about it 3 years later.
dichotomy Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I had one IC tell me, to get my needs met by a escort since my wife was refusing. He was not a marriage counselor , he was an IC and he was looking to ease my suffering and had other clients this seemed to work for. However - are you sure you wife had just a ONS? Is this what you specifically overheard her saying on the phone - and - even if you did - you sure she was being honest to that person on the phone? People lie to minimize things. Why in the world would she be talking at all about a ONS that happened so long ago? 1
Buckeye2 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Maybe I missed it but in what manner was she describing the one night stand to her sjster? The context would be important. I agree. Why was she bringing up the subject two years later? Was she saying how much fun it was or how guilty she feels?
dichotomy Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I agree. Why was she bringing up the subject two years later? Was she saying how much fun it was or how guilty she feels? lets hope it was because she is still haunted and tortured about it. other reasons that might not be so good. 1) her sister is cheating too, or someone close to her and so they are discussing her ONS as a shared experience. 2) She has reconnected or seen OM recently. 3) Pleasantly reminiscing
dichotomy Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I wanted to add (even as a BH) that I would not be certain a ONS - with a stranger who has no role in the WS's life - a ONS that the WS views as a big mistake, no lingering feelings but guilt and shame and disgust. Should be disclosed. But often ONS are not so isolated and random and without feelings and reasons. Its usually with someone close (work, friend, etc) and there are feelings of some sort, reasons lingering. Therefore it should be disclosed.
nightmare01 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Just my opinion. But I think that those that cheat and get away with it are very likely to cheat again. Are you sure this was the only affair? 1
Syco Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Maybe I missed it but in what manner was she describing the one night stand to her sjster? The context would be important because if she was detailing the one night stand to her sjster positively this would be red flags to just leave. If she was describing regret and guilt to her sister than I could bestow reconcilation. Agreed. What's the context?
Author jbrent890 Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 Sorry for the late response. Today has been a very rough day. Finally went home today to talk to my wife. As soon as I walked in the house she broke down. To be honest I have never seen her like that before. If she was acting, then she deserved an Oscar. None the less it still didn't stop me from asking a million questions. When asked who it was? She didn't even know. She says it was a random guy that was hitting on her at a bar. She kept stating that it was a poor decision when she was drunk. I was honestly happy she didn't call it a mistake because I would have lost it if she did. She then said that it was the only time something like that happened. She told me when she talked with her therapist, she found out the reason she did it was because she was lonely. At the time, I immediatley entered an ABSN program after finishing grad school. Add her crazy work schedule to the mix and if left little time for us. Even though I'm not defending her, I will admit that my main focus at that time was school. What pisses me off the most is that I told her she could always come to me if she felt I was neglecting her. She blames herself and her poor communication skills for what happened. The guy at the bar was giving her attention I wasn't (bet you haven't heard that story before). When I asked about her deceiving me for two years about it, she told me that both her therapist and sister recommended she keep it to herself. Her viewpoint was that she didn't think our marriage should suffer for something she is positive will never happen again. I literally rolled my eyes when she said that because our marriage is really suffering now. However, the reason she was talking to her sister was because the guilt was starting to get to her again. She thought therapy helped her cope with it, but we have been talking about having a baby and the guilt came rushing back. Her and her sister have always been close, so she always talked with her about everything. She assured me again that nothing like that happened before that night or after. She told me she has done everything in her power to not let that happen again including going to therapy and no more drinking unless I'm with her. I always wondered why she stopped doing girls night out. As it stands I don't know what I'm going to do. Thankfully we live somewhat close to her sister, so she is staying with her the next few days while I process all of this. Any advice would be appreciated. I will give her this that she seems genuinely sorry and not because she got caught. She even stated that she would find and pay for a marriage counselor in our area to help us get through this. What a day.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 However, the reason she was talking to her sister was because the guilt was starting to get to her again. She thought therapy helped her cope with it, but we have been talking about having a baby and the guilt came rushing back. Her and her sister have always been close, so she always talked with her about everything. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, family gatherings with her sister will be pretty uncomfortable going forward ... Mr. Lucky 1
merrmeade Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Regardless of what happens with your marriage, family gatherings with her sister will be pretty uncomfortable going forward ... Mr. Lucky Not necessarily. Depends on the sister. But who really cares? The elephant in the room has been named.
merrmeade Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 (edited) Just my opinion. But I think that those that cheat and get away with it are very likely to cheat again. Are you sure this was the only affair?Most definitely true. I'd most likely have had a different life and family if I'd known what gaslighting, rugsweeping, blameshifting and minimizing were when I confronted my H many years ago about an 'almost' ONS. But I bought his explanation in which he blamed the AP and then pushed the memory away. He did cheat again. And again. Edited November 14, 2014 by merrmeade
dichotomy Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Normally I am very skeptical, but based on what you write - my gut says your wife is being truthful, and it was a ONS and she has been torn up about it and tired to fix herself. Not to say I would not hack into her accounts and phone and records and other verifications and spying of what she says...but it appears to be the best worst case instance of physical cheating that can happen. You got hit by the "short" bus.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Normally I am very skeptical, but based on what you write - my gut says your wife is being truthful, and it was a ONS and she has been torn up about it and tired to fix herself. Not to say I would not hack into her accounts and phone and records and other verifications and spying of what she says...but it appears to be the best worst case instance of physical cheating that can happen. You got hit by the "short" bus. While I agree that scenario is possible, it requires you to accept the premise that she was untruthful about everything but that part. Not very likely ... Mr. Lucky
dichotomy Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 While I agree that scenario is possible, it requires you to accept the premise that she was untruthful about everything but that part. Not very likely ... Mr. Lucky Ya - I get ya. Been through this as a BH. But - Well he caught her confessing to her sister of a ONS not more than this. Also she has engaged in therapy for it (easy to verify payments to a therapist). These two things do speak towards the probability of this being what he things it is. Most selfish WS don't voluntarily check themselves into counseling if they have not been found out, nor are they tortured about it for two years. But I agree he has to verify and check into it all. The same process of any affair dDay will have to play out, just my gut that this maybe the rare "one off" betrayal.
SawtoothMars Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Any advice would be appreciated. I will give her this that she seems genuinely sorry and not because she got caught. She even stated that she would find and pay for a marriage counselor in our area to help us get through this. What a day. What do you WANT to happen from here?
harrybrown Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Has your wife been tested or did she use protection? Why didn't your sis-in-law help you out and not keep you in the dark? Be careful before going ahead with children. You need someone in your corner. You can not manage this with your wife and your sister still working against you. When will they start looking out for your interests? Have you thought about a post Affair pre-nup? many marriages can't take the heat after your heart is ripped out of your chest, and thrown into the fire on the floor. It takes a lot of work, to put out the fire, put your heart back together and get it beating into your chest again. Did you ask your wife what she would do if the roles were reversed? would she kick you out? I do hope you do something for the anger and rage. Hitting a punching bag and exercising helps me. the rage is less intense now, but it still fares up from time to time. It has been a little over 4 years. Still at it, but it is not the same. There will come a time that you will want a complete timeline of everything that happens. Remember that you can't unhear an answer that continues to bother you for a long time. But it is better than wondering how much better he was than you are, when you get to thinking stupid stuff like sometimes we do. I hope she did not do things with him that she refused to do with you. Make sure you get a good counselor, and not the one she had that decided what part of the puzzle you get to see.
No Limit Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 What great marriage material she must be, hooking up anytime when a womanizer gets a sweet tone in his voice... 1
Bryanp Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 Did she engage in unprotected sex? Did she get checked for STD's?
Akheron Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 "When asked who it was? She didn't even know. She says it was a random guy that was hitting on her at a bar" I read your "holiday" then this one and I had to comment on the above quote. I fear that this comment is pure baloney. Is she saying that she wouldn't even recognize him? What if you two ran into him in another bar? Would she tell you? I think you have a right to know. At least for closure if nothing else. I just find it rather odd that she would risk throwing away a marriage on some "random" guy in a bar. If you believe her, then so be it, but IMO, there is something else there that she isn't telling.
HereNorThere Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 The not remembering his name part really bothers me. I mean, sorry, but you'd remember the name of the person you cheated on your spouse with. I can't help but feel that you're being trickle truthed.
Akheron Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 Furthermore, if it indeed was a random guy whose name she doesn't even know, then this IMO is even worse than her having a "connection" with the OM. She thought so little about the marriage that she just picked someone out of a hat to sleep with. What happens the next time she's alone anywhere and another "random" guy gives her a complement? I really fear that this "random" guy isn't random at all, and in fact, you may know him. Quite well. Again, if you believe her,that is certainly your choice, but I would probe deeper into this.
JChristie Posted December 1, 2014 Posted December 1, 2014 I hear your pain. it sucks when someone we trust lies to us. it hurts and really undermines our trust in them. one of the things i ask, are there children in this family? when there are children, i tend to lean toward trying to work things out. especially since your wife has been on best behavior since then (?), working things out is less difficult for the kids. feel free to make it clear that she will have to do X or Y to help you feel that she has "made up" for her lies. however, if there are no children involved, this is a wake up call to find out how deep your love for each other really is. rather than raging, figure out what you need from her to feel that you can trust her again. if she can't give you that...well, you'll have to keep us posted. but for sure, your feelings are sore and raw right now. focus on what makes you happy and relaxed, while you come to terms with what has happened. don't make any final decisions yet. gather more information before you decide how to proceed. good luck.
Akheron Posted December 3, 2014 Posted December 3, 2014 I'd like to make one more comment on this and then I'll drop it. I recommend that you kick her out of the house and she can't come back until she "remembers" his name. Furthermore, I recommend calling your BIL and ask if he'll kick her sister out if their house as well. This way they can live together and maybe jar each others memory.
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