Grey Hawk Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I'll try to make this simple. So basically I was friends with a guy and girl (I'm a guy) for a few years, and they ended up dating when I introduced them (been together 2 years). So I've been friends with them for 3ish years (little more for the guy) and best and close with them for the last year. Like this past summer we were all hanging out 2-3 times a week for months straight. Well anyways near the end of summer I voiced to the girl I had been battling depression and stuff because I had always been open with her before and she was very helpful. Long story short once I told her this I let down my "fake me" and became very negative and suffocating to both of them (bugging with problems and insecurities (which led to fights) until they reached a breaking point). They said they needed a break 2 months ago. A week into the break I tried reaching out with no answer. Since then I have been in therapy and have really in my eyes and the therapists eyes changed my views. I'm not perfect, but I'm much better and I miss my friends. The problem is even still I see on their twitters comments like "You have to cut people out who bring you down" or "I wish I would have removed the negativity from my life sooner, this is great". I feel like these are directed to removing me. Basically I was one of those toxic friends you hear all about that need to be removed. Idk what I should do. Idk if I can do anything even. I was thinking about writing a letter or something to them, but idk. Any thoughts? I have an incurable disease that is slowly taking away from my quality of life (this is what she was helpful about during the summer) and I just want to make the most of the time I have left.
Dontfindme Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I don't know how toxic you are- but your friends sound like terrible people if they only accepted you while you were being "fake" happy. My friend is currently going through depression- and I would never cut her out for it, what good am I then, if I'm only around for the good times? 3
preraph Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 You had been controlling yourself and were doing okay, and then you decided it was okay to just use her or them to pour out your depression on. Now, one thing I think is weird. People who are depressed usually isolate. Yet, you want to be social. I'm sorry you have an incurable disease. It sort of sounds like she reached out to help you with that but you just went overboard wanting too much from her. And of course, if it's incurable, she doesn't have the cure and can't really help you. They may both be feeling helpless to help you and simply unable to endure that feeling as it increases when they spend time with you. I'm sorry that's the case, but I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and getting support there. Some other support group for people with your problem might also be helpful. I don't see how you can convince someone you've changed if they've cut you out to the point of not even responding to you. You didn't come on to this girl, did you? I think your best bet is to show through your social media that you are doing better.
Author Grey Hawk Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 I don't know how toxic you are- but your friends sound like terrible people if they only accepted you while you were being "fake" happy. My friend is currently going through depression- and I would never cut her out for it, what good am I then, if I'm only around for the good times? Well I bugged a lot. I asked a lot of silly questions and stuff due to self esteem issues. I wasn't very fun to be around, and arguments would happen if they ignored me for a period of time. Which idk if I can blame them, I was bugging/asking the same things over and over. You had been controlling yourself and were doing okay, and then you decided it was okay to just use her or them to pour out your depression on. Now, one thing I think is weird. People who are depressed usually isolate. Yet, you want to be social. I'm sorry you have an incurable disease. It sort of sounds like she reached out to help you with that but you just went overboard wanting too much from her. And of course, if it's incurable, she doesn't have the cure and can't really help you. They may both be feeling helpless to help you and simply unable to endure that feeling as it increases when they spend time with you. I'm sorry that's the case, but I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and getting support there. Some other support group for people with your problem might also be helpful. I don't see how you can convince someone you've changed if they've cut you out to the point of not even responding to you. You didn't come on to this girl, did you? I think your best bet is to show through your social media that you are doing better. I fully relied on her (and him to a lesser extent). Like I said above, I would bug constantly. She really did want to help, but I went overboard and used her as a crutch (and him too). I can't show through social media, she removed me from all of it after the final fight. When I saw her in person after the fight, that's when she said "I need to work on myself, and we will always be friends, but I need a break. We can still talk, just not hang out as much. and that i'll add you back in time (social media)" Well I haven't heard from her or him since. Like I said I reached out after 1.5 weeks asking about this "break" and no response.
preraph Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Well, in that case, just give her some space. And then you have to realize people have full lives and their own stresses and are most of us super busy. So you can't demand more time. I think leave her alone for now and then let her set the pace in the future. 1
Author Grey Hawk Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 Well, in that case, just give her some space. And then you have to realize people have full lives and their own stresses and are most of us super busy. So you can't demand more time. I think leave her alone for now and then let her set the pace in the future. So you don't think I should reach out at all now?
evanescentworld Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Grey Hawk, consider this question carefully (and you need not even supply an answer here; you may like to discuss the matter with your therapist): Do you want to get in touch with them, to make them feel better - or to make yourself feel better...? What is your dominant intent, and why?
todreaminblue Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 hey grey hawk....... how much time do you have?....deb
Author Grey Hawk Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 Grey Hawk, consider this question carefully (and you need not even supply an answer here; you may like to discuss the matter with your therapist): Do you want to get in touch with them, to make them feel better - or to make yourself feel better...? What is your dominant intent, and why?both I guess. I would feel better talking to them again, but I also think they would like the friendship again if it could be like it was before. Idk that's a tricky question because I have no idea how they feel.
Author Grey Hawk Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 hey grey hawk....... how much time do you have?....deb What do you mean? Alive? Or to wait for them? I have no idea. All I know is this disease will kill me one day and I've exhausted a lot of my options. I would say within the next 10 years max probably. I have already had many health scares and surgerys.
Dontfindme Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 How about expanding your circle and trying your luck with new friends? It never hurts to make new friends. That way you are also giving your former friends some space. 2
evanescentworld Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 both I guess. I would feel better talking to them again, but I also think they would like the friendship again if it could be like it was before. Idk that's a tricky question because I have no idea how they feel. You know what? I truly believe you should leave it for about a year. Honestly, I do. Let them "get over" their feelings, and settle into an even, non-resentful existence. Let them forget about this. You? You focus on yourself, being independent and contented with your progress, who you are and who you ideally want to be. Put this out of your mind, but add it as a reminder in your phone - a year hence. Then - and only then - when you receive your 'reminder'.... consider what the most favourable course of action might be. 2
todreaminblue Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 What do you mean? Alive? Or to wait for them? I have no idea. All I know is this disease will kill me one day and I've exhausted a lot of my options. I would say within the next 10 years max probably. I have already had many health scares and surgerys. that was the point i needed to know....you dont know how much time you have left......you dont know if you have a day a year ten years or twenty five years.... you can set yourself a reminder ....but then you wont know if you will be alive to get it in a year....maybe it wont be your illness health scares o multiple illnesses that take you out of this earthly realm and channeling if you can be friends from the other side of the veil can be tricky....... the person or persons on the receiving end have to be open minded enough to get the messages....... dotn put off what you can do today for the to do tomorrow list ...tomorrow is not certain for anyone...... contact your friends ....tell them you realize you werent a good friend to them........that you understand that sometimes you were a drain and you hope that you can continue the friendship now as you are workjing towards being a better person and that you truly miss their friendship.....i have done this .......i suffer from mental issues......and i often disappear on my friends.....i come back though......and when i do my true friends welcome me.....the ones that dont are fair weather friends and truly dont understand me or what it means to have me as a friend nor do they appreciate my good qualities that makes me a good friend to keep even though i might retreat for a while......if they truly needed me i would come back for them no matter how hard it was for me to actually physically do that....its not their fault its not my fault....they just arent suitable friends for me...... dont delay what you can do today.....do it....be accepting of the answer you get either way......again....time is not soemthign you can count on ...nor can you count days and wait.......no one knows how much time they have....the true resolution comes when you accept what ever happens happens and it happens for a reason.....accept the answers you get and move on with your time you have left ......deb .
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 So you don't think I should reach out at all now? Don't. You already reached out and there's been no reply back. You know the reasons why they had to walk away from the friendship with you. As painful as it is for you, sorry to say this but they aren't obligated to be there for you. They felt suffocated as it was too much for them to handle. If you reach out again, you're showing them that you haven't changed, disrespecting their decision for space...Though I do think they have walked away from the friendship completely. Make new friends, ones that make you feel good about yourself. Having friends as confidants when you have a rough day is normal, but talking to friends all about bad stuff all the time does get draining and hard to deal with. I hope you feel better and sorry to hear you've got a disease that isn't curable. Doing counseling and possibly going on meds can help you and improve your quality of life. 1
Author Grey Hawk Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Don't. You already reached out and there's been no reply back. You know the reasons why they had to walk away from the friendship with you. As painful as it is for you, sorry to say this but they aren't obligated to be there for you. They felt suffocated as it was too much for them to handle. If you reach out again, you're showing them that you haven't changed, disrespecting their decision for space...Though I do think they have walked away from the friendship completely. Make new friends, ones that make you feel good about yourself. Having friends as confidants when you have a rough day is normal, but talking to friends all about bad stuff all the time does get draining and hard to deal with. I hope you feel better and sorry to hear you've got a disease that isn't curable. Doing counseling and possibly going on meds can help you and improve your quality of life.thanks for the thoughts. Why do you belive they have walked away completely?
evanescentworld Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 thanks for the thoughts. Why do you belive they have walked away completely? Because that's how people handle an emotional vampire/leech, which by your own admission, is what you had become. That's why I suggested leaving it a really good, long time. I for one am confident that with care and awareness, you'll still be around... 1
Author Grey Hawk Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Because that's how people handle an emotional vampire/leech, which by your own admission, is what you had become. That's why I suggested leaving it a really good, long time. I for one am confident that with care and awareness, you'll still be around... What do you mean by that last line?
evanescentworld Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 You mention you were terminally ill. Another poster suggested you seize the day, grasp the nettle and do what feels good; specifically for the reason that perhaps you never know when too soon will be to late. However, I am personally of the opinion that the future is uncertain for all and any of us. Permit me to put my comment into perspective. Let us say - as you indicated - that you probably have "10 years max". In that time, countless thousands of innocent, perfectly healthy and totally unaware people, will die before you, either by accident or design. They already do, in fact, every day.... While I understand that "Carpe Diem" is an apposite and understandable response to your revelation, regarding your decreasing health, it seems there's plenty of kick in you yet. Don't despair. Look to yourself. Improve your mental attitude and well-being, and grow into "who you are". become completely comfortable with your state, and transform anxiety into joy. Of course, your continued therapy will doubtless help you in these endeavours. Give yourself a break. Face it: We cannot be the best of men to all men. But we can be the best person we can be, for ourselves. And that really, is what counts. The face in the mirror. Do you love it? I mean, genuinely, compassionately unconditionally love it? This is a better goal to strive for. The "I did my very best with what I had, with the tools at my disposal, and it is pretty good," goal. 1
preraph Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 So you don't think I should reach out at all now? No, I don't. She asked for space. Now it's up to her. 1
Blade96 Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 do they know you are terminally ill and that you never really did this before but kept all your feelings inside, but you needed this time to release your feelings to good friends? Possibly they think you were just being a energy vampire for no real reason that they can see. They might actually feel horrible about this if they knew the real story. sounds like a big misunderstanding to me. They should hear you out and listen.
Satu Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 If someone tells you that they need time and space you have to let them have it. If they really are friends who want you as a friend, they will let you know. If they don't, leave them in peace.
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