4 months no contact

[bb1205]

I'm coming up on 4 months of no contact and I can't help but fear that I'll never speak to my ex again. There have been smoke signals that I've seen through his social media in the last month or so. Clearly he has started having his own hard time with the breakup in the last month but he hasn't made any effort to contact me

 

But then on the other hand I've read some threads on here that say that after x amount of months no contact, the ex finally did reach out, either just to talk or to reconcile. Sometimes it does take time and perspective. I've seen all of the 3 month and 6 month threads that swear by the fact that both 3 and 6 months are the magic number. It happens sooner or later sometimes too though.

 

I honestly can't believe it has been 4 months. He was my absolute best friend. We had an amazing relationship but towards the end the last 2 - 3 months, things just started spiraling and we were fighting more often. This may just be my opinion but I think he instigated a lot of the fights because he just wasn't as in love with me anymore. It was so sad to watch it happen in front of my eyes and not be able to do anything about it.

 

How long did it take you guys to hear back from an ex if ever at all?

[Shields boy]

2 years and 8 months.

 

Don't wait around for them.

[tikay00]

You didn't go NC. You went, "let me wait this out, and hopefully he'll miss me". Why would you check his social media.

 

Let him go, and if he comes back, he comes back. If not, who cares, you're moving on.

[me85]

I'm sorry. )= It will hopefully get easier for you to deal with. Everyone's situation is different and every individual is different so it's hard to say just when someone will make their move, if ever. My ex has never stopped reaching out after our BU. We are now 16 months post BU. I've slipped up and reached out to him as well but not to get back together. Just to chat about BS.

 

You have done an amazing job going 4 months NC! Congrats on that! I don't recommend having him on your social media anymore, though. What happens if/when you see a picture of him with another girl? Or talking about some great new girl he met? I promise you don't want to go through that. It's pure torture. You should probably remove him from all of your social media. It would be the best thing for you.

 

Best wishes!

J

[Brimstone]

I was in contact with my ex, after breakup, about once a month for 4 months or so. In retrospect that was a bad thing in regards to moving on(It's taken me the better part of 2 years), but she had a lot of my stuff and we were discussing how to get it back to me as I lived in another country at the time.

 

After the delivery of things. I didn't hear from her for about a year.

Last contact was earlier this year for some concert tickets she offered me. Didn't take her up on it.

 

Lesson learned: No contact is a good thing(although contact couldn't be avoided in my case)

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Hugs and good stuff

[irresolute]

If you're stalking your ex, you're not no contact.

If you're still hoping he reach you out, you haven't done any work in this 4 months.

[bb1205]

I've been reading this post from Enotalone over a few times and I want to know what everyone's opinions are on being the one to make contact after 4 months?

 

"So after 4 months I received some stuff in the mail for my ex. And since I was starting to date again and felt stronger, I decided to email him. It was very brief, and it was only about the mail. He responded a few days later, on what would have been our anniversary, with a very strange email that talked about that date, fate, and included an invitation to keep talking. I was actually very confused by it all but also a little hopeful. We exchanged a few emails, all friendly but kind of awkward, until I asked him straight up what his intention and motivation was for emailing me. His reply was that he just wanted to talk and keep the line open for conversation, which was nothing close to "I want to get back together". So I cut off communication again, because I didn't want to get my hopes up through fruitless chitchat.

 

A week passed, and I tried my best to get over what I felt like was another rejection, when I was hit with another staggering blow. I had forgotten to delete his old messages in my facebook inbox and didn't realize that you could see profile pictures on them. So I was able to see that he had changed his to him with another girl. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was beside myself with grief. And in my grief, I decided I just had to talk to him, if only so he could tell me the truth and hurt me so bad that I would never want to be with him again and that little hope in me would die. (This was actually a REALLY BAD IDEA, and clearly something born out of me not thinking clearly at all.) I called, no answer. My friends told me I should accept that as an answer and that there was nothing positive in those emails we had exchanged. I ignored them and called the next day and left a message. He called back, I didn't answer out of fear. And after a few more rounds of phone tag I finally got him on the phone.

 

I was really nervous, didn't know what to say, and during that conversation he managed to both break my heart and give me hope at the same time. He confirmed that he was seeing someone new, but it didn't feel 100% right. And I could have left it at that, but I felt compelled to find out, maybe for the last time, if he felt like there was something still between us. He said yes. And from there it was a whirlwind of us talking about how we felt, the conclusions we had come to after we had been apart, and where we were going to go from here. I met him that night, but it was pretty much already decided from the moment we started talking on the phone. He broke it off with her the next day.

 

This all happened about 5 days ago, so it's still very fresh, but it also feels very right. We never stopped loving each other, and after learning about his experiences, I would say that I actually handled my emotions after the breakup much better despite being the dumpee. He struggled a lot after the initial first month of happiness and freedom and began doubting his decision and missing me terribly. He wanted to talk to me but didn't reach out to me because he was afraid I hated him or had moved on, so he didn't want to come back into my life just to hurt me again. He searched all over the internet for me (so yay for all that blocking and hiding I did), and even went to places near my apartment hoping to see me. But most importantly, in the time we were apart, he really thought about how we had handled the relationship and how he was handling himself. And now that we've decided to try again, we've discussed our issues in the past openly and honestly but have agreed not to let them start as the foundation for our new relationship. I am ridiculously happy that we're back together, but I also feel the same as I did a week ago. I still feel like a whole, grounded person with my own interests and my own life, instead of one half of a relationship. And to me, that seems like a really good place to start!"

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Your threads are fascinating reading. As an outsider, what I'm seeing is (for lack of a better term) a kind of self-gaslighting. You're desperately trying to convince yourself that you're healed and moved on, loving your life as an independent woman, doing the whole newly-single montage all the way down to a meaningful short haircut, because you seem to think once you get through that he'll suddenly want you back.

 

You aren't genuinely trying to heal. As tikay00 said, you're basically trying to wait him out. At first you were convincing yourself it was a phase and he'd come around at three months; now that he hasn't, you have to find a new explanation. You want to contact him now in hopes of a reconciliation and are hoping that someone else's story will be a parallel to your own. Sadly, as the cliche says, "the plural of anecdote is not data". You have NO IDEA how he will respond, and everything he says or doesn't say will drag you into a tailspin of over-analysis and frantic highs and crushing lows until the interaction ends. You'll be more confused, seeing hope where there isn't any, and then probably reach out again. Is this what you want?

 

As others have said, if you're still looking at his social media accounts, that's not no contact. Block him from everything you can see and start your calendar over. Make today Day One.

 

Your next task should be accepting that you will never fully know why he dumped you. While many people come to these forums searching for a logical, reasonable explanation for their breakup, there just isn't one. People aren't always completely honest with themselves when they break up with someone. All that matters is that someone decided they no longer want you in their life. What else do you really need to know? Do you want to be with someone who thinks they're better off without you?

[AnOldshoe]

Hey BB1205,

 

Sorry you ex is putting you through hell. I am dealing with my own breakup at the moment which seemingly came out of the blue.

 

I met her when I was 24 and she was 23 we got along instantly, we never had a single argument we laughed so much together. She was distant, strong and independent (after reading your description of your friend she sounds almost identical). We had been together for 2 and a half years before she broke it off. I had bought her an engagement ring and was going to propose in the next month or so.

 

So two months ago I filled her house with balloons because it was her birthday (25th birthday), bought her a cake, then I got the” I think we need a break, and this is not a breakup” talk. Two weeks into the break I get the; “I don’t see a future with you” talk. I did the usual thing; you know begging, telling her I want to fight for our relationship for the first day, then straight into no contact.

 

The next two weeks I spent reading all these blogs; love shack, enotalone, I even got sucked into buying one of those get her back courses $200!!! (those guys should feel terrible for taking advantage of people who are desperate), just trying to figure out a game plan or how things might turn out if I play my cards right. I got excited when I read about GIGS and how she will realise that she has made a mistake in the future.

 

Because breaking up is one of the most painful emotional experiences you will probably go through, I think we all try and find anyone who has gone through the same experience. We do this in the hopes that their relationship outcome will in some way mimic what will happen with our exes (which I assume will be that they will come begging back saying that they have made a mistake).

 

This is the second long term relationship where my girlfriend left, so this second one is a little easier. The first relationship ended for a similar reason “I want to experience the world”, then 1 week later she was dating someone who was the complete opposite of me. I tried desperately to hold onto the first one, she strung me along for 6 months until one day I snapped and never talked to her again. I have started talking to her again lately and now I cant believe that I even liked her, she is one of the most selfish people I have ever met, so looking back now I am so happy the she never did come back.

 

Life is a series of experiences, some great… some not so great (not sure if you can swear on this), these shape who you are. There is only one thing you can do at this point in time, forget about him and pretend that he never existed (you can think about him in the future when you have moved on, but now pretend he never existed otherwise it will cause you too much pain). What I found helpful was to wear a rubber band around your wrist and every time you start to think about him flick the rubber band and think about something that you love doing.

 

But if you are set on getting back, he will have to make the choice to want to try the relationship again, he was the one who ended it and there is nothing you can say that will change his mind. I am sure that he knows how much you love him, but there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO GET HIM BACK, IT IS ALL ON HIM. Don’t beg or plead you’re so much better than that.

 

Internet dating is great (yeah you get the creeps and the nut jobs) but there are some really genuinely great people out there. I am not saying jump into bed with everyone but date and live life!!!! (dating duds gives you great stories anyway).

 

Promise me you will write his number on a piece of paper, give it to your friend and delete him from your phone, you need to delete him from facebook (or at least block him) stick all the presents and memories in a box and give it to your friend. I know you feel like this is giving up but you need to do this FOR YOU!!! Having these temptations floating around wont get him back and will only prolong the pain, there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO GET HIM BACK, IT IS ALL ON HIM.

 

You know from what is happening with your friend that it wasn’t anything that her boyfriend did, it was because something changed inside HER. Even if you somehow manage to lure or guilt your ex back, that’s not the kind of relationship you want to be in. You should be with someone who thinks the sun shines out your ass and right now your ex doesn’t think that so stuff him. (watch a movie called Love and Sex with jon favreau).

 

4 years ago there was this guy I worked with at coles, he was telling me that the most beautiful and wonderful girl ever dumped him and he was beside himself. To get her back he tried buying her flowers, jewellery picking her up when she was drunk after flirting with other guys showing me all the photos of her with other guys on facebook, he kept this up for 3 months. I remember thinking “man this guy is pathetic, no wonder his girlfriend left him” don’t be pathetic like the guy I used to work with, it’s not attractive and won’t get him/her back.

 

Sorry for the long message, but the one thing you need to take away is:

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO GET HIM BACK, IT IS ALL ON HIM, for now pretend he never existed, there are 60 billion people in the world must be a few goodies out there.

 

Take care of yourself

[dumbass2]

Ex that broke up with me contacted me after 3 months NC (5 months post break up). During the 3 months though, I got away from trying to find anything on her. I did starting moving forward and stopped waiting around. Started doing a little dating and stuff to help make me a better person for my next relationship. Like others have said, you have not really started the NC and you really need to. Go ahead and do without the hope that you will be contacted and if it happens it will, but you have to let it be on his terms and only respond if it is meaningful and not just a stupid breadcrumb. Be strong.

[bb1205]

Thanks for your input everyone. I really do appreciate everyones comments.

 

 

This week I ran into him at a bar with some of our mutual friends, and he asked to pull me aside to have a quick catch up session. We talked briefly about our lives but I could tell he really wanted to talk about "us" rather than "our lives". He asked if I was seeing anyone, and I told him I was seeing "a few people". He seemed upset but understood. After all, HE was the one who told me to look for other prospects when we broke up.

 

After a 20 minute conversation about our current situations, our breakup, our families, our friends, and other random stuff he asked if I would be ok with continuing this conversation over dinner this week. I told him I wasn't sure if i felt comfortable being friends with him because of all of the hurt he had caused me. He again seemed upset, but understood. I bolted out of the conversation after the dinner suggestion and told him I had to go find my friends. He told me it was really nice catching up, and he hopes we can do it again sometime.

 

This was on Thursday night. On Friday he texted me and tried to start a conversation but I shut him down. And again today I got another text from him. I see he's fighting for me, and trying to show me he still cares, but i'm not entirely sure what his intentions are so I'm trying to keep him at arms length for the time being.

 

I'll keep you guys updated!

[AnOldshoe]

Hows the situation going with your ex? Any updates?

 

I went on the second date since the breakup 3 months ago. I’ve been chatting to this new girl for the last two weeks and I thought she would be great to take out to dinner..... it was terrible, she didnt make me laugh and anything I said to try to get her to laugh just resulted in blank stares.... awkward. She was also telling me that she occasionally breaks down with panic attacks (don’t need another unstable girlfriend)

 

Anyway the bad date has left me feeling like I’m back to square one lucky I deleted my ex’s number because I think I would have messaged her today. I was watching an episode of the office called benihana Christmas and I definitely can relate

 

Michael: Why do I feel like crap?

Jim: You just had a rebound.

Michael: I had a rebound.

Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like. The one that broke your heart.

I think I need to spend more time on my own and not try to replace the person who left me.

 

Its been 3 months since we broke up, I haven’t contacted her since it happened. Actually tell a lie, so we both had to attend a conference together (same profession), it was 9 hours away from where we live, we organised it together and we were going to road trip it up. I was tempted to not go just because the thought of seeing made my stomach hurt. I decided to go and show my ex that I was over her (or least give the appearance that I was) new haircut been going to the gym every day with a personal trainer and new outfit. I drove and spent the night. Driving to the conference I saw a girl on the side of the road struggling with her suitcase 20 minutes walk from the venue…. When I got closer I realised it was my ex!!!!!!! I pulled up to the lights they were red and tooted, I think she was just as shocked to see me as I was to see her. I couldn’t just leave her struggling with her suitcase. Nothing happened at the conference, she sat on one side I sat on the other. I offered to take her and a few colleagues to the airport, I was tossing up whether to do a goodbye speech but I went for the more self-respecting option.

 

I really hope she realises what we would have had together, I bought an engagement ring and was going to propose a week before this happened.

 

Looking back there were definitely red flags prior to it happening - becoming distant, not wanting to spend every weekend together (what we usually did). She sent me a letter post breakup basically saying that her feelings had changed and that she loved me and that a part of her always would. Initially she said that she thought we would be together forever but lately she said she has been feeling we were not right for each other that we were better as friends she said that she couldn’t stay the same person sometimes feeling happy and then sometimes angry and grumpy and she needed to work things out and she didn’t see a future with me : (

 

BB1207 what do you think I should do? How did you deal with the horrific lows?

[Niko 2021]

You have to realize that time does not heal all, it's what you do with that time that makes all the difference. If you're still clinging on to the thought of being with him or having contact later on while in NC, you will not get anywhere, you're pretty much just wasting time. I just approached 1 month NC after my ex GF of 5 years cheated on me. I wont lie, sometimes I want to talk to her, but I don't want to lose my progress. Just stick with NC, experience new things, talk to new people, and learn new things about yourself.