lostandlonely Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Ok, its been a while since i last posted, but a very quick summary i got dumped by my girl of 4 and half years about 7 weeks ago, we're not getting back together (for a couple of reasons). You can search for my threads if you want to know more. My current dilema is that i met someone new on saturday and ended up at hers that night. We slept next to each other but didnt have sex. We then spent a large part of the next day together. And im confused as to whether to follow this up and contact her again. I really enjoyed myself and we got on well, but i was constantly comparing her to my ex in my head. I know that's natural, my ex is the only girl i've ever dated, but i dont know if its too soon. I mean i clearly dont love this girl, i barely know her, but i think that we're compatible (similar interests etc). I just dont know whether i should be even thinking about this yet. I know that the whole thing has helped me, because i got a letter from my ex in reply to one that i had written her basically telling me to **** off. If id got that before this weekend i'd have been a crying wreck, but instead it only hurt a little (i suppose i've realised there are other fish in the sea). Any suggestions would be helpful, is it too soon? I got the impression that this girl was interested in me, but equally that its up to me to take it further. I just dont know whether its too soon, im concerned about just trying to replace my ex (who i was dependant on in a way that i hope i never am again) and ending up dependant on someone else again
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Dude i'm in the same boat as you regarding going for another relationship! clearly you aren't ready for one!!!!!!! if i were you i'd tell the girl you met this and the reason why ( it'll be good for her! ) the time you know you want to meet someone again IS WHEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU WANT TO! anything else means you are currently not up for such! don't put pressure on yourself to move one... it will take whatever time it takes to feel that way again! final answer? yes its too soon be good to yourself and give yourself time to heal you sound like a good guy who doesn't want to piss any new girl about! i've been there in the past and it doesn't work, hence why i'm not doin it again i'm not the type to use a girl to move on or whatever and it doesn'y work for me anyway!
pippen_2k Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Been just over 8 weeks for me since my girl left, and I too have had other offers. But I suppose its up to you man.. like me personally I couldnt yet.. Ive thought about it, but since I still think about my ex 24/7, and still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her..its probably not fair on myself and other girls I meet. If you still hurt over your ex your not ready, ur just replacing her... thats what I found myself doing... and I now know to avoid it till im ready... but everyones different..... The ball is in your court mang! But you know how it feels to have someone play and f*** with ur emotions.. dont do it to someone else if u have no feelings for them
Author lostandlonely Posted March 16, 2005 Author Posted March 16, 2005 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong the time you know you want to meet someone again IS WHEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU WANT TO! I hear what you are both saying, but i do feel like i want someone else, and this does feel right. I suppose what im asking is how can i feel so comfortable about this already? I know i said that the letter form my ex hurt, but it was her opinion of me that hurt. She said some pretty nasty things in that letter and thats what hurt, not the fact that it's over. I've accepted its over for a while now and that we're not going to get back together, what hurts is that it appears i've lost a very good friend. The relationship is dead i know that, and i am able to say that im genuinely glad with hindsight as it had become very bitter or to use my ex's words 'extremely self destructive'. So, i really feel like i've achieved closure/moved on. Its just that im shocked how quickly i've managed this. Thats what bothers me, as brainrightheartwrong said i am a nice guy, and i dont want to mess this new girl around. Im just concerned that this feeling of acceptance might be temporary, and im concerned about messing this girl around if it is. If it was another couple of months down the road then id honestly believe that im ready,as it is im shocked how quickly i've got to this point. Im concerned that i might have a relapse so to speak. I mean its not like my ex is coming back, and to be fair even if she did i wouldnt take her back. Im just concerned that i might go back to wanting my ex. I really like this girl (or at least what i know of her, she is a complete and utter unknown quantity to me), and im interested in taking things further. Also, she knows that i went through a bad break up as we talked about it briefly, but that didnt put her off and in fact she was very understanding. So i've been honest with her up to now, maybe i should try meeting up with her, but explain my fears to her? I dont know, i do like her and thats almost the problem, i dont want to mess her around. I just cant believe i've managed to get here so quickly, thats what worries me.
Donut Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 I think possibly you could start seeing this girl, if you're both willing. But take it very slowly and realise old wounds may come up that need to be healed.
haywood Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 who are you thinking about more? new girl or old girl. it'll solve itself out.
Author lostandlonely Posted March 17, 2005 Author Posted March 17, 2005 Again thanks for the advice. To be honest im only thinking about the ex in terms of this, the rest of the time im thinking about the new girl. I really think i've managed to move on, and as long as i take things slowly and carefully then hopefully things will be ok. The new girl knows where im coming from, so if she decides that she's ok with taking the risk on me (which obviously she hasnt yet, i may still get shot down) then i suppose there's not really any harm in me pursing this. Thanks for reading and replying to this, its been really helpful to just write this down as i've been able to understand my feelings. I do like the new girl, as long as she knows that potentially stuff may come up, which i think she does (but i will make sure she does if i get in touch), then i suppose that there's little harm in me trying things with her. In fact i've just realised that i've posted this in the wrong place, it should be on dating not coping. I really feel im past coping now, i think im in the postion now to get on with my life.
prayformydownfall Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 mate go for it, jus be careful, take ur time and be happy!!!
sarah12 Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 I've been the new girl in this type of situation except he was the one that broke it off with the ex. We met shortly after they had broken up and everything just felt so natural, so right. However, his ex made him feel guilty so much of the time (calling everyday and crying), that he started having doubts because he was hurting her so much. Needless to say, we ended things, and he stayed single for a few more months then went back to her after her begging and pleading. They have since broken up and gotten back together a few more times, but all the while still in contact with me and in fact, we have mutual friends so we see each other all the time. To this day I would say that he is the 'one that got away,' and his friends say he should have left the ex (they're incompatible) and focussed on moving on b/c she was his first everything, just like your story. I'm not sure what advice to give you, because it sounds like you are this guy and have found someone new who you'd like to pursue things with. I just want to warn you that there will definitely be a bumpy road ahead -- even though your ex broke up with you, it doesn't mean she won't get jealous/upset when she finds out you are seeing someone new. If you are 200% sure you won't go back to your ex though (which it seems like you are fairly sure of this), then you have got to be strong and not let the ex manipulate or control the way you feel. Ex-girlfriends have a way about this, even if they were the ones to break things off. They know how to cry their way back in to making the guy feel so guilty, and some guys are so nice that the guilt will get the best of them. Let me repeat, DO NOT let her feelings control you, because you are no longer together. Yes you should respect her and her feelings, but ultimately, you are the #1 person in your life, it's your future you're concerned about, not hers. Another thing you should keep in mind is that even if you find yourself thinking about wanting the ex back and vice versa, most of these feelings will come from the idea that it is comforting to be with the ex and most importantly, being with the ex is 'safe' because you already know you've been able to survive 4 years together. However, this doesn't meant that the new person couldn't give you that and more. Don't be afraid of what there is to come. People used to say to me that the only thing this guy's ex has on me is 4 years, that's all. The quality of their relationship is s***, and he's just scared to move on from it. (ok so maybe I am a bit biased ). I've thought about this particular type of situation about 5 million times by now, so if you have any questions, I'm all ears.
Author lostandlonely Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 Firstly thanks everyone for taking the time to reply to this. Unfortunately it appears that i have been wasting your time, i text her (the new girl) yesterday and she's yet to reply. Oh well, better than a slap in the face I just want to add a few more details: I know im not going back to my ex as she's already seeing someone else, who she had feelings for before she dumped me. I tried, did the crying etc but she stood firm and i can genuinely say that im glad she did that. It's not been easy but i realise that by the time we broke up our relationship was ****. I dont want to go back to that, and even if she was to turn up tomorrow and ask me to try again there is no way that im jumping back into a relationship with her, i'd try to be friends with her, but if she wanted a relationship she'd have to prove that this wasnt just a brief relapse. I dont know, maybe six months of friendship and being open to seeing other people before trying again. This is all hypothetical obviously, but IF she was to come back (which isnt likely) i'd need her to prove that she was serious about trying again, im not getting hurt like that ever again (at least not by her). With regards to whats looking like rejection by the new girl, to be honest im not that bothered, i did like her and would like to get to know her better. But at the end of the day just as my ex isnt the only girl on this planet, neither is this new girl. So thanks again for replying to my aimless ramblings. Although things havent quite worked out the way i thought they would, at least this way when the next girl comes along (and im sure she will) i've already worked through these issues about taking the first step. Just got all the other issues to look forward to now
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