my first few days without WH (Updated)

[longjourney]

I am having an incredibly hard time. I don't know if it is worse when he is not here, or when I see him in the afternoons/evenings when he comes to see/pick up the kids for a bit to give me a break. I think it is better for the kids to know that he is still here for them. I am trying to keep it as normal as possible for them in these first few weeks, and then hopefully settle into a routine/schedule.

 

 

When does this horrible ache end? I have been trying to get help from my family. My WH does not HAVE to come and help in the afternoon, I have my sister helping to keep me going, but in truth, I can't imagine NOT seeing him every afternoon. Even after everything he has done. I love him so much.

 

 

I just have this pit in my stomach like I did the wrong thing. I have also checked the cellphone records since he left on Sunday. The contact between him and OW started again this past Friday, after I told my WH that I wanted him to leave. I think they were talking prior to that too, but just used his office phone instead. Now they have NO reason to keep up the act. I am so alone and sad. It is hard to get up and get moving at all. I am completely defeated.

[elaine567]

I am completely defeated.

 

NO you are not. You have taken control of your own life and you should start making decisions for you and your kids.

You may love him but he doesn't love you, if seeing him is causing you pain then stop seeing him. You are twisting your own knife into your gut, stop it. Use your sister to look after the kids or get him to meet her when he is picking up the kids, or plan some outing for the kids, mix it up.

Instead of waiting passively for him to show up, take control, do not let him dictate the terms.

I doubt if his OW will let him continue this daily child minding, so I would start weaning the kids off him now, otherwise you are going to have to pick up the pieces for your children when his daily visits become weekly, then monthly etc.

[BetrayedH]

You need an attorney to be advising you on a temporary custody plan and a temporary support plan as well as next steps towards a permanent agreement.

 

I also agree with the previous poster that suggested you stop using him for help. That is hindering what should be efforts to detach.

 

Now that you've confirmed that he's making contact with the OW, I'd also suggest you cease these stalking efforts. They are only delaying your healing.

 

You cannot drive forward while keeping your eyes in the rearview mirror. Start rebuilding and planning a future. You have plenty to keep you busy towards that end. Get to it. Instead of focusing on emotions, focused instead on your actions.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also agree with the previous poster that suggested you stop using him for help. That is hindering what should be efforts to detach.

 

I disagree but perhaps the logistics can be tweaked. Normalizing the transition for the kids should trump any difficulties the adults have with the process.

 

longjourney, does he take the kids somewhere? I understand how unsettling it would be to have him in your home. Can you sister do the handoff? That might also spare you the interaction.

 

Now that you've confirmed that he's making contact with the OW, I'd also suggest you cease these stalking efforts. They are only delaying your healing.

 

You cannot drive forward while keeping your eyes in the rearview mirror. Start rebuilding and planning a future. You have plenty to keep you busy towards that end. Get to it. Instead of focusing on emotions, focused instead on your actions.

 

Good advice. Whom he's talking to is the least of your concerns...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Friskyone4u]

You are NOT defeated. You are in shock, disbelief, and still in the denial stage of this terrible ordeal. Unfortunately, many go through it, but it does get better. How quickly really depends a lot on you. You cannot control what he does but you can control what you do. I would suggest to you the following:

(1) get legal advice on your rights and file for divorce. You can always stop the process if he truly does what is necessary to reconcile. If he is on the fence, it will knock his ass off it one way or the other.

(2) go dark on him except for finances or kids. No small talk and let your family help with the childcare. The more you see him the harder it will be. Being separated is better than in house separation, especially if he is still in his affair. As bad as that seems just read about the heartache of men or women whose spouses are upstairs sexting their AP with you downstairs.

(3) concentrate on you and your kids. Give them the age appropriate truth about what is going on. Do not let your husband control that dialogue.

(4) separate your finances. Close everything you are joint on leave half the money and open your own accounts. Same with credit cards. Do not let him drain your accounts with his spending on his OW.

(5)?if you can afford it get to IC. Do not do MC at all, no matter what he does, until you are sure the affair is not still going on.

(6) lastly. If OW is married tell her husband ASAP. If she is married that will probably do more to put a damper on the fantasy life than anything you can do.

 

Keep posting. There are many who have been in your shoes. Your situation is a bad thing but not unique . Those that have been through it before can offer support and advice

[BetrayedH]

I disagree but perhaps the logistics can be tweaked. Normalizing the transition for the kids should trump any difficulties the adults have with the process.

 

That's a fair statement. I also prioritized the transition for the kids during my divorce. That said, from everything I read, the kids transition best when there's consistency and stability. We did that through a structured custody plan. The kids knew exactly what upcoming days they'd be spending with Mom and exactly what days they would spend with Dad. Removing the uncertainty and verifying that they'd get consistent quality time with each parent went a long way with my kids.

 

I was also careful not to blame their mother and essentially took equal responsibility for the marriage not working out. It's a very controversial approach but from my experience, it has worked remarkably well. We had one difficult 10 minute conversation (with a lot of reassurances that the parents have this figured out) and the kids were back to being kids. I suspect that more detailed questions may come as they reach more mature ages but so far it's been 2 1/2 years with no drama from them.

[cocorico]

 

Even after everything he has done. I love him so much.

 

 

(((Hugs))) LJ. You are facing two huge adjustments at the same time. You have "lost" your partner, and you have become a single parent - while you are battling health issues on top of that. It is not easy.

 

It is very difficult to walk away from someone you love, even if you know you have to do it to preserve your own sanity / health / self esteem. Have you considered a support group - possibly a single parents' group, where you can relax with others who are in a similar position, while your kids meet and make new friends with the kids of other members? Having your xSO take care of the kids to give you a break each day might help you stop burning out, but in and of itself it is not recharging you, simply stopping the constant drain of your emotional and other energy for a while. You need to do something that actually recharges and reenergises you, too. I don't want to suggest blithely that you "have some fun" as that is probably furthest from your mind right now, but you need to find a way to make your "me time" positive and rewarding for you.

 

How have the kids taken the split? Have they accepted things relatively easily, or have you had to deal with difficulties adapting, from their side?

 

I agree that you have nothing to gain by keeping tabs on his R with his OW. It will only hurt you at this stage, whatever you find. If you find evidence of thei R continuing, you will feel hurt and rejected. If you find no evidence, you will question whether you have done the right thing. You won't gain peace of mind either way. Accept that you did what you needed to do, for yourself and the kids. Accept that it will be hard, but not as hard as it was living with a man you knew was there under sufferance - even if it doesn't feel like that all the time.

 

You are stronger than you know, and you are teaching your kids valuable lessons. Please take care of yourself.

[petee]

You are not alone. That is fact number one, not conjecture but fact. You came to the right place, as before...fact. There is no antidote, it will hurt like hell for a matter of months, not days. That's the hard bit over.

Please take your time, seek advice and sound out your thoughts on here.

Big picture- it will get easier by the day. Don't be rash and don't do anything silly like revenge sex etc. I don't know you, but your way with words shows positivity that's dampened. Hang in there, listen and accept. You will be just fine, and this guy will wake up one day soul dead as he realises what he lost.

[Mr. Lucky]

That's a fair statement. I also prioritized the transition for the kids during my divorce. That said, from everything I read, the kids transition best when there's consistency and stability. We did that through a structured custody plan. The kids knew exactly what upcoming days they'd be spending with Mom and exactly what days they would spend with Dad. Removing the uncertainty and verifying that they'd get consistent quality time with each parent went a long way with my kids.

 

I was also careful not to blame their mother and essentially took equal responsibility for the marriage not working out. It's a very controversial approach but from my experience, it has worked remarkably well. We had one difficult 10 minute conversation (with a lot of reassurances that the parents have this figured out) and the kids were back to being kids. I suspect that more detailed questions may come as they reach more mature ages but so far it's been 2 1/2 years with no drama from them.

 

No surprise there BH, I'd have guessed from your posts that you'd be measured and considerate in this matter with your kids.

 

My response was to the general call for the Dad to be minimized in the transition. The kid's needs sould come first, even though this leads to awkward and difficult interactions for divorcing spouses...

 

Mr. Lucky

[longjourney]

I have been limping along since my WH moved a few weeks ago. It has been hard, and I am so sad, can barely function. Due to my illness I have many limitations, but now I feel even worse, emotionally. I am depressed. I lay in bed and all I do is think.

 

 

I have spoken with WH, mostly about the kids, but we have also talked about his A further. I have found out that he resented marrying me. I was diagnosed prior to our wedding, but we had been dating a while. So he has told me that he felt he HAD to M me, that he would feel like a jerk if he left me. That upsets me SO much because the fact that he was always there with me, for my tests and check ups made me KNOW that he was the man I was going to M. Yes I did notice that he seemed to drag his feet, but after a bit of "putting it off", he finally proposed. I look back now with a clear eye. He felt he HAD to marry me. He cared for me and felt bad leaving me in a lurch. (His words not mine). Please don't be angry with him. He is not saying these things to me to be mean, he is being honest and explaining the road he went down.

 

 

So we were M'd and he all the while loved me, however still loved the OW. So when she chose to be with him, he couldn't restrain himself, and for that he takes FULL responsibility and puts nothing on me. But if I am honest with myself. I did take the easy way out. I let a lot of things go, I KNEW he would take care of it, the housework, the cooking, etc. He always stepped up, and I took advantage and became a couch potato, and this was NOT due to my illness. But as my illness progressed, my WH did more and more. So he has told me that he does not regret doing all those things, however he felt more like he was taking care of a child then his wife.

 

 

Our sex life was pretty regular, but he thought it as blah because it was routine, he didn't find me sexually attractive, though he cared for me. Our sexual routine, always the same due to some of my limitations. We had talked about it at the time and he said it was fine.

 

 

So I see now how we saw things SO differently. I was soaking in and reveling in the fact that he "took care of me" meanwhile he resented it. He just didn't know how to talk about it with me, without making me feel bad. He has said, he knew it wasn't my fault, so he doesn't see the point of bringing it up.

 

 

So we dragged on and on. And here I sit alone. He is living with the OW, who is now divorced. I see him differently now. He is really engaged in his life. I am sad to say that I see him happy now. I drained him. I took his life from him. I feel guilty for not seeing it, even though I KNOW he should have talked to me about it. THAT IS ON HIM.

 

 

We are meeting with the lawyer later to go over our divorce and custody. I still can't believe this is really happening.

[scatterd]

I feel for you. It sounds like he took your confidence away you are worth more then someone complaining about taking care of you. Until someone walks in your shoes for a mile or two they have no idea on what your going through. You will find someone that will marry you for the lovely person you are and not for feeling sorry about your health. Its hard enough to have problems with your health it plays with your worth and confidence. No one gets it until they go through it their self and most do as they age. You will feel the difference in the true love compared to what you have felt.Don't listen to what the affair partner has to say you can only believe so much from people that have lied and cheated on you. She better hope she does not get ill because he is capable of doing the same to her as you what makes her any different. Its not your fault it their character. God will bless you. Big Hugs

Edited November 24, 2014 by scatterd

[Striver]

Your H did not have to marry you. It is for better or for worse, and he knew what he was getting into. You did not spring anything on him. For him to resent your condition when he went in with his eyes open is unfair. A lot of people do this, but I do not approve of people who build up unspoken resentments about things that could be talked over.

 

I'm sure you made mistakes in the marriage. We all do. Be kind to yourself and remember your positive contributions as well.

[scatterd]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5spWq9rJyQ Look their is loving people out there that have committed their love to their partener in need

before even vowing to.These are the ones that deserve praise.

[HereNorThere]

I have been limping along since my WH moved a few weeks ago. It has been hard, and I am so sad, can barely function. Due to my illness I have many limitations, but now I feel even worse, emotionally. I am depressed. I lay in bed and all I do is think.

 

 

I have spoken with WH, mostly about the kids, but we have also talked about his A further. I have found out that he resented marrying me. I was diagnosed prior to our wedding, but we had been dating a while. So he has told me that he felt he HAD to M me, that he would feel like a jerk if he left me. That upsets me SO much because the fact that he was always there with me, for my tests and check ups made me KNOW that he was the man I was going to M. Yes I did notice that he seemed to drag his feet, but after a bit of "putting it off", he finally proposed. I look back now with a clear eye. He felt he HAD to marry me. He cared for me and felt bad leaving me in a lurch. (His words not mine). Please don't be angry with him. He is not saying these things to me to be mean, he is being honest and explaining the road he went down.

 

 

So we were M'd and he all the while loved me, however still loved the OW. So when she chose to be with him, he couldn't restrain himself, and for that he takes FULL responsibility and puts nothing on me. But if I am honest with myself. I did take the easy way out. I let a lot of things go, I KNEW he would take care of it, the housework, the cooking, etc. He always stepped up, and I took advantage and became a couch potato, and this was NOT due to my illness. But as my illness progressed, my WH did more and more. So he has told me that he does not regret doing all those things, however he felt more like he was taking care of a child then his wife.

 

 

Our sex life was pretty regular, but he thought it as blah because it was routine, he didn't find me sexually attractive, though he cared for me. Our sexual routine, always the same due to some of my limitations. We had talked about it at the time and he said it was fine.

 

 

So I see now how we saw things SO differently. I was soaking in and reveling in the fact that he "took care of me" meanwhile he resented it. He just didn't know how to talk about it with me, without making me feel bad. He has said, he knew it wasn't my fault, so he doesn't see the point of bringing it up.

 

 

So we dragged on and on. And here I sit alone. He is living with the OW, who is now divorced. I see him differently now. He is really engaged in his life. I am sad to say that I see him happy now. I drained him. I took his life from him. I feel guilty for not seeing it, even though I KNOW he should have talked to me about it. THAT IS ON HIM.

 

 

We are meeting with the lawyer later to go over our divorce and custody. I still can't believe this is really happening.

 

 

Wow, he's done a really good job of shifting the blame to you. As far as waywards go, he's really good at his craft. He should definitely think about a job as an insurance adjuster or the like.

 

Look, you're making out it out as if he was this good person you drove away, but I don't really see anything in here that proves that. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Good people don't marry people knowing that they aren't fully committed. Good people don't start relationships with other people while they are married. Good people don't hurt the mother of their children. Good people don't force their children into broken homes. Good people don't start a relationship with another person until they have ended the previous one.

 

Good people talk to their spouse if they are starting build resentment over things. Good people talk to their spouse about their sexual needs and desires. Good people take care of their spouse when they are sick. Good people go to counseling or marriage counseling when the times get tough. Good people simply don't throw away their family to seek sex and company from someone else, but selfish cheaters do.

 

Your illness, becoming a "couch potato" and the other excuses are just that, excuses. A way for him to be able to say "I'm not a bad person who does bad things" but HE IS. I mean, if he isn't, I don't really know who is.

[A.Moscote]

So sorry to read your situation there LJ, indeed it is a difficult path to travel. Hopefully you can gather your strength, and build up your confidence again, even if by bits, so that you can move on positively with this new life.

 

Perhaps it's best to start dismissing all that thoughts in your mind about your WH and OW. At least minimize them, don't just lay in bed and pondering all about it, that's too wasteful and negating.

 

Instead spend all the efforts on yourself, on making the best of yourself, and sorry to say this, on correcting your past mistakes and weakness. You can do it, be optimist LJ.

[inpeices]

I have been limping along since my WH moved a few weeks ago. It has been hard, and I am so sad, can barely function. Due to my illness I have many limitations, but now I feel even worse, emotionally. I am depressed. I lay in bed and all I do is think.

 

 

I have spoken with WH, mostly about the kids, but we have also talked about his A further. I have found out that he resented marrying me. I was diagnosed prior to our wedding, but we had been dating a while. So he has told me that he felt he HAD to M me, that he would feel like a jerk if he left me. That upsets me SO much because the fact that he was always there with me, for my tests and check ups made me KNOW that he was the man I was going to M. Yes I did notice that he seemed to drag his feet, but after a bit of "putting it off", he finally proposed. I look back now with a clear eye. He felt he HAD to marry me. He cared for me and felt bad leaving me in a lurch. (His words not mine). Please don't be angry with him. He is not saying these things to me to be mean, he is being honest and explaining the road he went down.

 

 

So we were M'd and he all the while loved me, however still loved the OW. So when she chose to be with him, he couldn't restrain himself, and for that he takes FULL responsibility and puts nothing on me. But if I am honest with myself. I did take the easy way out. I let a lot of things go, I KNEW he would take care of it, the housework, the cooking, etc. He always stepped up, and I took advantage and became a couch potato, and this was NOT due to my illness. But as my illness progressed, my WH did more and more. So he has told me that he does not regret doing all those things, however he felt more like he was taking care of a child then his wife.

 

 

Our sex life was pretty regular, but he thought it as blah because it was routine, he didn't find me sexually attractive, though he cared for me. Our sexual routine, always the same due to some of my limitations. We had talked about it at the time and he said it was fine.

 

 

So I see now how we saw things SO differently. I was soaking in and reveling in the fact that he "took care of me" meanwhile he resented it. He just didn't know how to talk about it with me, without making me feel bad. He has said, he knew it wasn't my fault, so he doesn't see the point of bringing it up.

 

 

So we dragged on and on. And here I sit alone. He is living with the OW, who is now divorced. I see him differently now. He is really engaged in his life. I am sad to say that I see him happy now. I drained him. I took his life from him. I feel guilty for not seeing it, even though I KNOW he should have talked to me about it. THAT IS ON HIM.

 

 

We are meeting with the lawyer later to go over our divorce and custody. I still can't believe this is really happening.

 

 

I really hope you have already read my reply to your other thread, but I also hope you are feeling just a tiny bit better since you wrote here earlier. Keep writing when you need and you will be heard and validated x

The trouble with these situations, in particular betrayal of this type, is the tendency to mentally understand the perceived faults, flaws, the logical and rational things! possible causes, explanations, but due to being totally devastated and blindsided with grief and upheaval, the emotional brain simply cannot cope. This is where we shut down and just cannot eat, sleep, or function at a basic level..can't be bothered with anything, maybe only function enough to take care of others, ourselves we neglect because we SIMPLY cannot comprehend what has just happened to us... This is no different to losing a dear loved one in a tragic accident or death, it hits us so hard, we understand the facts in principle, but the brain simply cannot comprehend the new reality. Having experienced both, I actually think 'losing' someone you so deeply loved and relied upon with your heart, your life, through cheating/infidelity, is worse than the sudden death of the same. I make an exception for parents who lose a child, as this is in a different area.

I think what I am trying to say is what you are feeling is absolutely normal, absolutely to be expected and having additional health problems is an added 'panic factor' in the new reality you now are forced to face, yet never ever expected to, and if you did, like me, thought it may have been through death as opposed to learning that your reality was not theirs.. (I'll tell you a little secret, actually 3yrs on, 'our reality' was actually 'our reality' and it's not working out with the OW.. My ex is a broken person, it was all put on me at the time.. Like you are hearing now!) But the truth is, waywards all say the same, they HAVE to, in order to justify their appalling treatment of others.. I can tell you for a fact, you have done the "fight" and you have done the "NO MORE doormat" stage and got him out and he has run... and now you are getting the "justification" stage.. Blah blah blah blah... STOP NOW!!! I could scream this down the internet to you as I had a very very tough time realising that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.. Your WH is so high as a kite, he'd say the moon was black to make HIS guilt better.. But he'd have to MAKE it black to really prove a point.. Do you understand what I am saying?

 

The absolute nightmare of this situation is, and I'm sorry if anyone finds this offensive, is the pain of them still being alive and yet they are gone as if they have died.. The movie GHOST pretty much sums this up.

I can tell you guaranteed the following...

 

A. You will not feel like this everyday ALL DAY for very long at all

B. You will not feel so alone once your poor heart,head, and emotions have balanced a little

C. The sheer panic and sickness WILL pass and will pass in waves until it subsides to little (or big) tearful (or angry) breakdowns

D. It is normal to experience anxiety and panic

E. There is help for these times as you process it all, you have had a shock and are in shock, listen to your body and give yourself what you need and remember that if you get through a minute of sobbing, you will feel relief, crying releases the pain.. Let it out!

F. Trust your natural instinct for survival, listen to yourself.. If you want to sleep for a week, make arrangements for your children (not with HIM!) and go sleep for a week.. If you want to eat chocolate or get drunk (I actually quit drink for 5 months because I'm a drinker)

 

G. Get some money out of this and treat yourself.. Do whatever you have to do to beat the emotional rollercoaster until you can take off your safety harness and breathe!

 

I have been away geographically and emotionally from my ex for 3yrs.. I know when they are having problems with the OW because I get texts and prompts replies instead of "sorry was asleep" or "hi sorry it's late, mum been unwell so couldn't get back to you straight away" or any myriad of excuses whilst balancing the OW who has ZERO trust and is constantly chasing, begging, and pleading for my ex's time..She is as insecure as hell and quite likely so is your WH OW.. Why else would your WH not have bailed out of your marriage sooner.. He is insecure and they can go play happy families for a while.. Watch this space, and it may take a long time.. But it will not be right EVER..

Reject him at every turn, EVERY turn!!! WISH I had done, I'd have had my EX eating out of my hand in 5mins not 3yrs..I could blow their relationship out of the world in 5 minutes if I wanted to now.. I chooses to let it run it's course.. Sadly I was weak emotionally, mentally and physically when I was HIT, I 'loved' her.. No... I was weak in mind from being emotionally destroyed.. But! I am now, 3yrs later, strong strong strong.. And the Ow.. Not achieved anything.. Wasted 3yrs of her life chasing a myth.. I fear your WH may get very hurt by OW and come running to you when she finds a new playmate..

 

Meeting up with my ex and all our mutual friends in 3 weeks.. Ow not aware.. That's how much these liars love each other ;-) difference is, I no longer care, I love her, but anyone who nearly kills you is no good ;-) and I NEVER thought I'd EVER say that... I am a better person x

 

Stay strong and keep posting xx

[AlwaysGrowing]

LJ,

 

It is now time to set yourself free.

 

You did nothing wrong. Do not let the choices /actions of others define you.

 

Having an affair behind the back of a person that has an illness is just about as low as one can crawl. For the life of me...I do not know how this OW looks at herself each day....I really don't.

 

Do not give either one of them a pass. Their mess is not for you to figure out or process. Try hard to keep the focus on you. What you need to do for yourself. How do you move forward. Let them get their absolution from someone else. Do not let either one of them take the vileness out of what they have done.

 

Like I said...set yourself free. Be kind to you. Hug you. Tell yourself positive messages.

 

Put down the **** that does not belong to you.

 

Positive energy from me to you.

[elaine567]

Having an affair behind the back of a person that has an illness is just about as low as one can crawl. For the life of me...I do not know how this OW looks at herself each day....I really don't.

 

I would guess it actually made it easier for the OW, because the WH had a "perfectly reasonable" excuse to cheat, being "trapped" in a marriage, probably made her feel sorry for him.

Poor, poor chap being stuck with an ill and needy wife when he could have good times with her instead. She was only doing what any other caring person would have done, and that thus justifies their relationship....

 

Long journey, you are now free, be grateful for the opportunity to rid yourself of this man.

Take this as a new beginning, do not listen to his "justifications" for his affair. He is attempting to dehumanise you in his mind, if you are a lesser being, he can then justify being cruel to you.

He is now trying to blame you for what HE is doing to you. He is only trying to salve his own guilt, do not listen to him.

Only speak to him about the kids and any other pressing business and speak to your lawyer. Do not seek answers from your husband, he will only lie, try to minimise and blame you. None of which, will do you any favours.

Time to grasp the nettle and move on.