Is this normal

[intheblinkofaneye]

Okay....he was caught.

 

There are certain things that increase the likelihood of a successful R.

 

Being caught isn't one of them....neither is TT.

 

Being that they were the first two that happened....it is even more healthier for you...to take your time in making any decisions.

 

The OW trying to circumvent you by contacting him to vent about you...certainly isn't helping either.

 

It can be difficult to do MC so early in. Exactly who are you in MC with? Who you thought was your husband or the OW boyfriend? Depending on "who" is in MC with you....the outcome is dramatically different.

Often times it is best for a BS to go to IC. To help sort out their conflicting emotions. To get solid ground under ones own feet before they even attempt to work on the very relationship that put the quicksand under them.

--

 

Please don't get me wrong. I really appreaciate hearing everyones advice and support. That's why I joined this forum. And Please PLease don't think I am signaling you out.. that is not my intention.

 

But this literaly tore me up last night when I read it. It made me feel as if we are doomed from the start. I texted my WH and told him and explained what I was feeling and how all the odds seem against us. I broke down bad.

 

He immediatly drove over and tried to comfort me as best he could, then he himself broke down. I told him I felt we were doomed. He held me and said we are only doomed if we want to be doomed. He then asked me if I wanted to be doomed. Between sobs and tears I said NO ! I do NOT

[jm2013]

--

 

Please don't get me wrong. I really appreaciate hearing everyones advice and support. That's why I joined this forum. And Please PLease don't think I am signaling you out.. that is not my intention.

 

But this literaly tore me up last night when I read it. It made me feel as if we are doomed from the start. I texted my WH and told him and explained what I was feeling and how all the odds seem against us. I broke down bad.

 

He immediatly drove over and tried to comfort me as best he could, then he himself broke down. I told him I felt we were doomed. He held me and said we are only doomed if we want to be doomed. He then asked me if I wanted to be doomed. Between sobs and tears I said NO ! I do NOT

 

Your husband is the one who "doomed" your marriage. Now you're shattered and trying to pick everything up and process what just happened. This process takes some time. As time slips by you will get to the point where the unbelievable is now believable and are able to process things rationally. You don't need to make a split second decision here. I made this mistake myself. I felt like I had to make a decision NOW. This is far from true. Over time you'll start to interpret your feelings more on what your heart is telling you. I don't think many WS's understand this. They want a decision from the BS instantly. I'm sure most of the time they want a quick decision initially so they can make their own plans if needed to be with the other person or stick it out.

 

While the odds seem low it really depends on the communication between the both of you know and your desire to continue the marriage. The road ahead is rough in any reconciliation but it is possible. Most is dependent on how you as the BS can handle this all emotionally. The person you married and thought you were closest to breached your trust. If you plan on sticking this out he'll have to regain your trust. This doesn't happen over night. I'm sorry you're going through this. It really is some of the worst pain one can experience. I hate seeing people go through this. Utilize the LS community when needed. At first you may be drug down here. Don't let words get to you. Many people on here come from all walks of different types of situations. While each situation may be unique all of here have been through it. If you have questions or need guidance in an area to help your recovery LS is a great place to start. Just remember to take your time and don't make an emotional decision right out of the gate here. Try to enjoy the holidays as much as you can. I think as the time ticks by you'll have a more solid understanding of where your compass points you. Good luck to you and please take care of yourself.

Edited November 13, 2014 by jm2013

[intheblinkofaneye]

Thanks

He has not asked for a quick decision, but rather that I go to the counceling and give it some time before I made any decision.

 

And I know I am on emotional overdrive right now. songs make me cry,tv makes me cry, pictures make me cry. But it is like when I think I have a clear picture in my head of how I want to proceed I will read something and fall back to square one. That is how I felt last night.

 

Thank God the counceling is free thanks to a good friend who knows a lot of people in the therapy/counceling field. I have yet to do IC but perhaps I need to.

 

I do think that going to MC is a good idea. I have just been to one as he has been to 3. I do plan on going again next week with him.

 

He has been staying at his brothers (at my request) but it is hard to work on things when he is not around and we just communicate via phone. I need to see emotion and change and thats hard to do when he is in a seperate place. We have 3 bedrooms in our house and I think it best to have him move to one of those rooms.

 

There is no playbook for this Horrible thing that has happened. No formula to follow...

[Spark1111]

You,cannot will your trust in him back because he is sorry NOW.

 

That's nice and an important part of reconciling to see a WS jump through all the hoops to reconcile, but it is ONLY over time and his consistent actions will trust shattered be restored for you.

 

Tell him that.

 

I told my FWH that for me it would be a three-fold process, as I suspect it is for many.

 

First I had to forgive the affair (hard); secondly, all those lies, omissions, to my face to be able to conduct it (harder)' and lastly, restoring my trust in him and regaining the respect I once had for him (the hardest).

 

Without trust and respect, I wouldn't stay. I told him so.

 

I also told him I was making NO decisions today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year. I loved him, wanted us to work, but reserved the right not to decide anything until I felt safe again.

 

If he couldn't live with the uncertainty, well, he was free to leave or I would.

 

there is NOTHING wrong with self-preservation OR deciding NOT to decide until you feel you can trust his actions, trust the process, and trust the partner....again.

 

tell him how you feel.

[merrmeade]

People have different views on going to MC right out of the gate.

 

For myself, focusing on yourself should come first. This is where IC for you comes in. IC can assist you on getting a clearer idea of what you want.

 

MC focuses on the marriage...not the individuals. You...right now are in a vulnerable place...is it fair to ask you to focus on the marriage when you don't have your own oxygen mask on?

yeah wish I'd realized that.

 

We went to MC too soon. It didn't accomplish much as the marriage was just as shattered as I was. He was completely hopeless and unable to communicate; I was still in shock. We were too broken to work on us or the future and could only react without meaningful, lasting insight or change. it was a waste of time and did zip for the marriage which was pretty much in hibernation for a long time. After our lives settled down following a couple of moves, a sabbatical abroad (mine from my spouse) and my ultimatum, we tried again and are seeing satisfyng changes.

 

I'm working on myself regardless of whether he 'shows up' and should add that feeling that I'd finally gotten the whole truth was probably the biggest factor. Until that happened, everything was on hold and we would have bombed.

[AlwaysGrowing]

--

 

Please don't get me wrong. I really appreaciate hearing everyones advice and support. That's why I joined this forum. And Please PLease don't think I am signaling you out.. that is not my intention.

 

But this literaly tore me up last night when I read it. It made me feel as if we are doomed from the start. I texted my WH and told him and explained what I was feeling and how all the odds seem against us. I broke down bad.

 

He immediatly drove over and tried to comfort me as best he could, then he himself broke down. I told him I felt we were doomed. He held me and said we are only doomed if we want to be doomed. He then asked me if I wanted to be doomed. Between sobs and tears I said NO ! I do NOT

 

 

My intent was not doom and gloom. It was to give you insight to what key factors need to be in place for SUCCESSFUL R.

 

Experts in the field state disclosure increases odds over discovery.

The truth increases odds over TT.

 

The truth is...that even with the perfect scenario disclosure, truth, transparency, IC, MC....does not guarantee a successful R.

 

Infidelity is a traumatic event for most BS. Many have PTSD afterwards.

 

I wish you well on your recovery of self first and foremost.

[jnel921]

Allow yourself time to process the pain. Make your decision based on how you feel about your M. Determine if your H is truly remorseful. Ask yourself if you can really get over it. Sometimes the circumstances are too tough to get over. Some people do and some people don't. Every A is unique. Only you know what you can handle.

 

Your H may want you to take him back right away, but don't. This may give him the wrong message and I think you need more time. You say you know you want to be with him, but ask yourself why? I know 17 years is a long time but you don't need to stay if the situation is too much to bear.

 

Good Luck.

[merrmeade]

You,cannot will your trust in him back because he is sorry NOW.

 

That's nice and an important part of reconciling to see a WS jump through all the hoops to reconcile, but it is ONLY over time and his consistent actions will trust shattered be restored for you.

 

Tell him that.

 

I told my FWH that for me it would be a three-fold process, as I suspect it is for many.

 

First I had to forgive the affair (hard); secondly, all those lies, omissions, to my face to be able to conduct it (harder)' and lastly, restoring my trust in him and regaining the respect I once had for him (the hardest).

 

Without trust and respect, I wouldn't stay. I told him so.

 

I also told him I was making NO decisions today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year. I loved him, wanted us to work, but reserved the right not to decide anything until I felt safe again.

 

If he couldn't live with the uncertainty, well, he was free to leave or I would.

 

there is NOTHING wrong with self-preservation OR deciding NOT to decide until you feel you can trust his actions, trust the process, and trust the partner....again.

 

tell him how you feel.

But this is not doom and gloom! It's just you putting yourself in the driver's seat of your life and your marriage if it is to continue. You can take on or let off passengers any time you want. It's not over until you say so. Why are you playing funeral dirges? Are you afraid he won't make it through this hard part and work to earn your trust? If he doesn't make it, isn't that something you need to know? Otherwise, what's wrong with giving it some time? You are protecting yourself in a way that ould not happen were you to jump back into marriage as usual.

[intheblinkofaneye]

[

Without trust and respect, I wouldn't stay. I told him so.

 

I also told him I was making NO decisions today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year. I loved him, wanted us to work, but reserved the right not to decide anything until I felt safe again.

 

If he couldn't live with the uncertainty, well, he was free to leave or I would.

 

there is NOTHING wrong with self-preservation OR deciding NOT to decide until you feel you can trust his actions, trust the process, and trust the partner....again.

 

tell him how you feel.

 

 

Thank you for this--

I said this to him last night. I asked him how long he thought he could handle waiting until I knew what to do. I told him I had it set in my mind that I had to make a decision NOW, but in reality that could not be done NOW.

 

I can't even decide whether I want to brush my hair let alone a decision of this magnitude.

 

I told him I did not know how long it woud take me to know. I told him if you do not think you can do this let me know now now. I told him even I did not know the outcome of this and what if I cant overcome this and 5 months down the road I tell him I cant do it ?

 

He said he would wait as long as he had to wait. Months or years he would wait. If at 5 months I said I can't he would understand that he would still forever love me but understand that the pain he caused was to great.

[intheblinkofaneye]

But this is not doom and gloom! It's just you putting yourself in the driver's seat of your life and your marriage if it is to continue. You can take on or let off passengers any time you want. It's not over until you say so. Why are you playing funeral dirges? Are you afraid he won't make it through this hard part and work to earn your trust? If he doesn't make it, isn't that something you need to know? Otherwise, what's wrong with giving it some time? You are protecting yourself in a way that ould not happen were you to jump back into marriage as usual.

 

 

I do think he will work hard to earn my trust. I really do.

I just take comments too hard sometimes. That's why I could hear the funeral march already..

 

Time is key I know and jumping back in as if all is well can not be done, should not be done.

[intheblinkofaneye]

Allow yourself time to process the pain. Make your decision based on how you feel about your M. Determine if your H is truly remorseful. Ask yourself if you can really get over it. Sometimes the circumstances are too tough to get over. Some people do and some people don't. Every A is unique. Only you know what you can handle.

 

Your H may want you to take him back right away, but don't. This may give him the wrong message and I think you need more time. You say you know you want to be with him, but ask yourself why? I know 17 years is a long time but you don't need to stay if the situation is too much to bear.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

I am going to give myself time. I know this now. H is very remorseful. I see it in him. I see the man I married. He cried yesterday first without me crying and it felt .. Im not sure good is the correct word, but maybe it is..

 

And I do truly understand about sending the wrong message. I have said this to him several times. Just because I am doing this do not interperate as all is good with us or we are back together. He said he understands and he did not think that , that he felt it was a privelage to get to come over or help me with something or eat together.

 

I want to be with him because I love him. I love be married to him. I want this to work,to fight for it.

 

And right now,yes it is hard to bear but I am strong enough to overcome this

[Gofsttrnlft]

 

And right now,yes it is hard to bear but I am strong enough to overcome this

 

I hope this is not too far off topic but I want to share some info with you.

 

I worked on a Paramedic ambulance in the busiest city in my state until I burned out, could not help anyone anymore. I saw the worst people have to offer. To this day I still wake up in the middle of the night because of some of the things I saw. When people ask me what the worst thing I ever saw was, I keep it to myself but reliving it makes me cry almost every time. In one years time I went on 7 calls that were deemed Critical Incidents for those of us who endured them. In EMS there is a critical incident stress management team for such things. Please google that and do some reading.

 

Label it what you want, d-day, the affair, etc., it is a critical incident in your life. Please pay attention to yourself in every aspect of your being. If you notice incidents where you are angry, real angry, you are lashing out where you normally wouldn't, depression, etc, please go talk to someone. As I have found out recently, it sneaks up on you. I thought I was doing fine the last year or so but a couple of recent triggers, and I am not. I thought I was strong, and now I am not.

 

Having been exactly where you are, and knowing what signs to look for, I still missed them thinking I was strong enough to do it on my own. I am not trying to suggest that you do not have the strength to get through this, I believe you do. Take care of yourself, I am rooting for you and your H.

[elaine567]

You are shocked and traumatised, your instincts are to cling to this man, this partner of 17 years, but as HE is the cause of your trauma, you are all at sea.

 

He is the guilty party here and he will be determined to put things right. Crying in a man is seen as only happens when the depth of feeling is so great it overwhelms him.

Wives in your situation, may see that as "love", but being found out and losing the OW can be equally as devastating, you have to understand that.

I am not sure of the whole story here, but I have deduced this was not a ONS. YOU are not really going to find out how deeply he feels for this woman, so do not assume it was all sex, it may have been, but you cannot assume that and you cannot trust what he tells you either at this early stage.

Crying men are like crying women they may not necessarily be sincere, be aware of that. He may be crying for himself and not for you.

 

You have to make sure that you are well and seeing things very clearly before you can let him get the teeniest bit closer to you again. IC is necessary here, you need to be very strong, before you consider taking him back.

 

The last thing you want is to take him back and 6 months down the line it is all back to "normal" with you, him AND the OW, only it is a different OW, or they are being a lot more careful.