intheblinkofaneye Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Hello all New to the forum still and I can't find a thread/forum just about reconciliation, so I am gonna posty here if that is ok . Married 15 years,been together 17, (knew him longer than that) D-day a little over a month ago. H remorsful,transparent,sorry,wants to save the marriage. He has been to MC And IC (still going of course) Long story short, I honest to God think this is the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I am trying to get over the shock still,but I still cry daily. My heart is telling me to reconcile to fight this fight. I know it will be a hard and long road. When I see him I long to say the words, "I want to work this out" But I stop..... (the bad thoughts creep in and stop me) God the thoughts are tormenting to say the least.... How do I push these words out of my mouth and not let the thoughts ruin this.. Please, has anyone gone through this phase.. I am uber fragile today so no negativity please:( 1
gettingstronger Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 What you are feeling is totally normal- its a long, slow process- there are lots of bright spots on the way but it can very very difficult- we are almost 2 years in to reconciliation and there are still tough days and tough conversations- you don't have to say anything, just allow yourself to get over this initial shock without worrying too much about what your husband says or feels- there is plenty of time for that when you are feeling strong and not so fragile- 2
Author intheblinkofaneye Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 It feels like I am in limbo.. I know once I say the words things will improve (well you know what I mean) I have not gave him any inclination to the fact that I do want to reconcile. I just keep saying I dont know what to do. When in my heart I do know. Am I subconsciously doing this to keep him in pain , to punish him
oldshirt Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Yes I would think those feelings are normal. You need to continue working with your therapist on how to deal with them and how to address all of this but be assured your feelings and you pain and torment and concerns are normal. 1
purplesorrow Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 It feels like I am in limbo.. I know once I say the words things will improve (well you know what I mean) I have not gave him any inclination to the fact that I do want to reconcile. I just keep saying I dont know what to do. When in my heart I do know. Am I subconsciously doing this to keep him in pain , to punish him I think you are just protecting yourself. A month in is not that long at all. Right now focus on taking care of yourself. Take your time. Don't make a decision until you have more clarity. Watch his actions, words don't mean very much right now. Take care, sorry for what you are going through. 3
Author intheblinkofaneye Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 I think you are right about protecting myself. I just know that once I know the direction I want to go in and can start that journey then begin the healing process for me and us. I know the direction I want to go. My body is in flight when I need it to be in fight !!!
BetrayedH Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I think you are right about protecting myself. I just know that once I know the direction I want to go in and can start that journey then begin the healing process for me and us. I know the direction I want to go. My body is in flight when I need it to be in fight !!! Take the pressure off of yourself. You don't NEED to do anything. You didn't ask for any of this and you have the right NOT to decide. Your head is fighting your emotions right now. Your emotions tell you to cling to your husband because you want to alleviate the feelings of rejection. Your heart is screaming out for you to do damage control and salvage whatever you can. Your brain is telling you that it's far too soon to be embracing forgiveness and that it's going to take a LONG time to rebuild trust. Listen to your brain. In my humble opinion, there are really three keys to a successful reconciliation: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse and (3) Consistent actions over time. Conventional wisdom puts reconciliation down as a 2-5 year process. Fast is slow and slow is fast. The pressure isn't on you to "get over it" quickly. The onus is on your husband to demonstrate enough consistent actions over time such that you can get over it. Hell, it can take many months just to determine if your wayward is truly remorseful. It took me 8 months to figure out that my wife was still lying. You're a month in. Cut yourself some slack. Let the pressure be on your H for now and frankly, for a long time. Rest assured, your turn will come. Once he has proven himself to be truly remorseful and deserving of a second chance, the burden will eventually switch to you to find forgiveness and it's a tall order even then. But for now, you have the cart before the horse. 5
Be_Strong Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I agree with everyone else advising you to take things slow. There's no rush. Sit back and allow yourself time to get over the initial shock and emotional trauma you've suffered. 2
jm2013 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so fresh to you right now and you're still processing. It sounds like he is begging you to forgive him and move on. Please let me know if I'm wrong here. I agree with BH, take as much time as you need. A WS will want your split decision in the beginning but it's not that easy. The husband you knew is dead. Your marriage will never be the same as it was. Your husband has a long journey now of proving himself to you. Actions speak louder than words. Even with good actions you may stumble here and there. If you are having trouble pushing any words out of your mouth that is fine. There is an immense healing process involved here and it doesn't happen over night. I D-Day was a year ago and I haven't been able to utter the words "I love you" when I walk out the door for work. I haven't been able to give her a kiss when I leave. It's hard. It for the most part is a natural reaction the BS goes through after such a betrayal from their spouse. I think you need to solidify the following. Make sure there is no contact with the other woman first and foremost. You're a month in and you might not even have the full truth as to how involved he was with the other woman. Many WS's start with trickle truthing and lies that will just add on to the betrayal. They will minimize their involvement and try to take a big crap ball and try their best to make it as well presented to you the BS to minimize the damage that has already been done. If you haven't already here's a little plan that might help pave your way if you choose to stay. 1- Tell him explicitly about the no contact rule 2- Tell him to test for STDs if he hasn't already 3 - Tell him to go to counseling. Perhaps MC and IC. He needs to fix his brokenness and figure out why this happened to begin with. 4 - Transparency. Make sure he's no longer hiding and locking down all of his devices and computers. 5- It's crucial to stay healthy right now! You are going to wear down fast recycling his affair. Remember to take care of yourself. You will have mental movies, lots of questions and get extremely upset many times per day. I find that working out and eating better helps with these. Working out will help you expel your emotions at the gym and help give you a better sleep from wearing yourself physically. 3
Gofsttrnlft Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. We are almost to the day 2 years past d-day. Right now I am going through a bad time so much so that I am going back to IC again. It is a never ending work in progress. Some might say flight is easier than fight, and maybe it is true, but we fight for what we want and believe in. That decision will come in time. I remember the shock I felt two years ago, some times like it was yesterday. The good news it gets better if you both put the effort in. 1
Author intheblinkofaneye Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 (edited) Thanks JM2013 He very much wants to reconcile and is begging, not so much to make a decision NOW, but for me to think about it and not divorce him. For the first time yesterday he said to me that he just wanted me to be happy and he hopes happy is with him, but if happy is not with him then he stills wants me to be happy. Then he completely broke down and said he could never stop loving me and trying to make this work. Dday was Oct 12. last contact was Oct 18th after a week of not hearing from her. OW changed her number and called his cell. He answered not knowing the number and it was her. He called me immediatly and told me and I flipped out and asked what the number was and called her back with some choice words. She texted him back cussing him for giving me her number blah blah blah. He came over the house and changed his number. Then nothing until she emailed him Nov the 2nd. wanting to know how he was doing and that she was thinking about him. He was over the house when she did this and i am the first to see the email. I flipped out yet again as he had already deleted his emails. This is his work email and can not be deleted as it is provided and ran by the company. He texted her back not to ever contact him again, that she was the biggest regret of his life and to leave him and us alone. Of course she did not take that well spewing all sorts of venom. He has appointment tomorrow for testing. He made it last week but they were all booked up. He is in MC and IC both He has deleted all emails. Has given me password to his work email. Shows me his phone whenever I see him. I have the only password to the phone bill on-line. (and yes I got trickle-truth for 3 weeks) Edited November 12, 2014 by intheblinkofaneye
TrustedthenBusted Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Good Luck. You've already been given good advice. You CAN survive this. I'm 5 years in, and while life isn't perfect, the infidelity is not at center stage anymore. One month in is very hard. Be prepared for things to be crazy for a year or so. It will be the first thing you think about each morning. And that's ok. He will want it all to go away quickly. That is normal too. Take your time and make smart decisions...not necessarily emotional ones. 1
Friskyone4u Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 It sounds like he is doing all the right things. But you must proceed at your own pace. It is his reponsibility to do the heavy lifting to do anything in his power to help you get through this. Rushing yourself is not helpful, but you must accept that even in R your marriage will be new but never the same. If you accept that, you can successfully reconcile.! For some it is just a dealbreaker. Only time and hard work will tell. This OW sounds like a nut case. Has anyone called her husband if she has one and told him what his wife is up to. If not that is a must do. Lastly, the odds seem in your favor. If your husband remains on the right path, the percentages of marriages surviving where the WS is the husband are greater. Less marriages survive where the woman cheats. Lots of reasons but mostly because women have a harder time letting go and ending things. That poisons the Reconciliation . Good luck and hang in there 1
Author intheblinkofaneye Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 She is twiced divorced so no husband.
jm2013 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 This is good. You have some good steps already in place. Make sure to be on the lookout for a burner phone. I think you're at a crucial point here. What happens in these months after discovery will determine the path your marriage will go. Some WS'S may go out of their way to continue the gaslighting. For instance, on an outward appearance to you he could be displaying all the right things and being open. If he has a burner phone and drove this deep underground you will have a hard time information gathering. For instance, it would be a possibility he is showing you those texts and texts back to her then texting from another phone saying "Sorry, I had to do that to show her I'm being sincere" blah blah blah. Just be on your toes that's all I'm saying. I know right after I discovered my wife's affair there was another phone involved. She denied ever using it and I have never seen it. The other man supposedly bought it for her and she threw it out. So this is probably extremely common for the WS to take underground and still have an open line of communication to their affair partner. Is this other woman married? If she is you should try and reach out to her husband to let him know what's going on. Once her affair is exposed to her husband if she's married she'll have to deal with a lot of other things at home than focusing on reconnecting with your husband. Good luck to you. 1
Author intheblinkofaneye Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 No she is not married currently. 2 ex husbands and 3 kids
Mr. Lucky Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 (and yes I got trickle-truth for 3 weeks) If DDay was a month ago but he wasted 3 weeks putting you off, you're really only one week into the toughest part of the process. In light of that, this makes even more sense: Take the pressure off of yourself. You don't NEED to do anything. You didn't ask for any of this and you have the right NOT to decide. Don't let anyone - him included - tell you how you should feel. Opposing forces are at work - it's natural for a WS to want to move ahead quickly while a shell-shocked BS's instincts say slow down and figure sh*t out. Do what you need to do... Mr. Lucky 2
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 He needs to ask his IT department at work if it's possible to block her email address. If she does find a way to contact him, he needs to IGNORE it and so do you. She is relentless right now, probably desperate to hear something, positive or negative so the best thing is to just ignore. Now, if she starts showing up in person, then that's a real problem. Time will tell if he is over the affair and her. Since he wants to work things out, allow him to prove himself to you on all levels, not just in words but in actions. You don't need to decide right now what you want - Just see how things go day to day. 1
ComingInHot Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 As others have said, take your time on this. I understand how much you still love him but to actually show him any of this beyond what you are able to, well it is like playing Russian Roulette with your very sanity. So then you get the round and round again because he thinks you should get over it all because he is sorry, remorseful, regretful and showing you in almost every way that what he says he means through his actions, while you just need time to heal. Remember! - This was done To You. It is not your fault. You are however, accountable for your behavior going forward and although it may take years to repair your marriage (and you can back out gracefully at any time) it is only healthy for you to treat him kindly between bouts of crying and screaming. He needs to know where you are in your healing and that you are still 'in the marriage' with him even though you still are in pieces. If he really wants this marriage to work, he will stick with you while you pick up the pieces of what he broke and decide if it really is something you and he can put back together, no matter how long it may take. One day, I hope you two repair the marriage but regardless, I hope that you can forgive him and be at peace for your own health and happiness. CiH* 2
Author intheblinkofaneye Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 He needs to know where you are in your healing and that you are still 'in the marriage' with him even though you still are in pieces. i like this ! thanks Cominginhot 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 May I ask....how Dday came to be? Like others have stated....you are protecting yourself....which is not only normal....but healthy. Sounds like there are lots of positives in place already...IC, MC, transparency etc. 1
Author intheblinkofaneye Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 text messages on his cell is how I found out. started with porn and ended in a downward spiral ...
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Okay....he was caught. There are certain things that increase the likelihood of a successful R. Being caught isn't one of them....neither is TT. Being that they were the first two that happened....it is even more healthier for you...to take your time in making any decisions. The OW trying to circumvent you by contacting him to vent about you...certainly isn't helping either. It can be difficult to do MC so early in. Exactly who are you in MC with? Who you thought was your husband or the OW boyfriend? Depending on "who" is in MC with you....the outcome is dramatically different. Often times it is best for a BS to go to IC. To help sort out their conflicting emotions. To get solid ground under ones own feet before they even attempt to work on the very relationship that put the quicksand under them.
Author intheblinkofaneye Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Not sure I understand the question. I am in marriage counseling with my husband. He is also doing ic
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 People have different views on going to MC right out of the gate. For myself, focusing on yourself should come first. This is where IC for you comes in. IC can assist you on getting a clearer idea of what you want. MC focuses on the marriage...not the individuals. You...right now are in a vulnerable place...is it fair to ask you to focus on the marriage when you don't have your own oxygen mask on?
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