Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Ok, so I've been talking with a girl for a couple weeks now. We've been on a couple dates, but she has had a lot going on and so have I, so it has been hard to see each other more. Her mother just left town recently, she is trying to finalize her divorce (split up about 6 months ago), and is in the process of sorting out her life. She is definitely really into me, but I also know she is still chatting with other guys. She always calls or texts me in the morning when she gets up and hits me up all throughout the day off and on. Sometimes she takes a while to reply to texts (usually no more than an hour max), but she says most the time she isn't with me, she is just home trying to sort things out. She does seem to flake quite a bit when it comes to trying to meet up, which is of course frustrating. However, the other night when she knew I was frustrated about getting blown off, she blew up my phone (3 phone calls and 4 texts within 2mins). This girl is ridiculously attractive, so I know she has a lot of options. It has been quite a while since I landed a girl like this and I'm looking for suggestions? I'm wary that if I push too much and she really isn't ready to commit yet, it might scare her away. On the other hand, if I'm too passive, I know another guy who is more aggressive might swoop in and scoop her up. I was thinking of finding out the next day she is working and having flowers sent to her job. In the card, I planned to leave myself anonymous, but to leave a keyword so that she can tell who actually gave them to her. That way, I figured if one of the other guys try to take credit, the keyword will let her know they were lying (and in the process eliminate the competition). I also figure the whole guessing-game might be a way to tease her a bit. I'm just hoping flowers won't come off as too strong to her or intimidate her, as I have a feeling based on her last relationship that she is afraid of being hurt. If anyone has any advice, suggestions, etc., I'm all ears. I really like this girl and understand her apprehension about jumping into things too fast, but at the same time, I'm anxious to eliminate the competition.
CoolCat771 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Ok, so I've been talking with a girl for a couple weeks now. We've been on a couple dates, but she has had a lot going on and so have I, so it has been hard to see each other more. Her mother just left town recently, she is trying to finalize her divorce (split up about 6 months ago), and is in the process of sorting out her life. She is definitely really into me, but I also know she is still chatting with other guys. She always calls or texts me in the morning when she gets up and hits me up all throughout the day off and on. Sometimes she takes a while to reply to texts (usually no more than an hour max), but she says most the time she isn't with me, she is just home trying to sort things out. She does seem to flake quite a bit when it comes to trying to meet up, which is of course frustrating. However, the other night when she knew I was frustrated about getting blown off, she blew up my phone (3 phone calls and 4 texts within 2mins). This girl is ridiculously attractive, so I know she has a lot of options. It has been quite a while since I landed a girl like this and I'm looking for suggestions? I'm wary that if I push too much and she really isn't ready to commit yet, it might scare her away. On the other hand, if I'm too passive, I know another guy who is more aggressive might swoop in and scoop her up. I was thinking of finding out the next day she is working and having flowers sent to her job. In the card, I planned to leave myself anonymous, but to leave a keyword so that she can tell who actually gave them to her. That way, I figured if one of the other guys try to take credit, the keyword will let her know they were lying (and in the process eliminate the competition). I also figure the whole guessing-game might be a way to tease her a bit. I'm just hoping flowers won't come off as too strong to her or intimidate her, as I have a feeling based on her last relationship that she is afraid of being hurt. If anyone has any advice, suggestions, etc., I'm all ears. I really like this girl and understand her apprehension about jumping into things too fast, but at the same time, I'm anxious to eliminate the competition. ......Flowers bro? Do the opposite. Pull back. Don't press too hard. When she comes, then move hard on her 3
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 ......Flowers bro? Do the opposite. Pull back. Don't press too hard. When she comes, then move hard on her Ok, but then what if I pull back, but another guy presses and in the process wins her over? I've had this happen in the past where one girl who was interested in me (and who I played hard to get with) decided to go with the other guy because he was "more available" to her. She didn't like that I was hard to get a hold of and labeled it as "unreliable for the type of relationship she wanted," explaining to me that she wanted someone she could rely on and who *wanted* to talk to her regularly. I've seen so much advice about playing hard to get, making them chase you, etc., but in my experience, that is only a temporary "win." Once they do actually win you over, then they become frustrated that you didn't show as much interest as most men usually do. When the game is over, the excitement usually is too. So, while I try to not make myself too available, I'm wary of making myself too scarce too and having other men take the forefront who are there when she needs someone to talk to.
rester Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Duuuude. No flowers. No secret code. You're not going to convince an attractive woman who is going through a divorce to commit to anything after only a couple weeks. Take it easy.
CoolCat771 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Ok, but then what if I pull back, but another guy presses and in the process wins her over? I've had this happen in the past where one girl who was interested in me (and who I played hard to get with) decided to go with the other guy because he was "more available" to her. She didn't like that I was hard to get a hold of and labeled it as "unreliable for the type of relationship she wanted," explaining to me that she wanted someone she could rely on and who *wanted* to talk to her regularly. I've seen so much advice about playing hard to get, making them chase you, etc., but in my experience, that is only a temporary "win." Once they do actually win you over, then they become frustrated that you didn't show as much interest as most men usually do. When the game is over, the excitement usually is too. So, while I try to not make myself too available, I'm wary of making myself too scarce too and having other men take the forefront who are there when she needs someone to talk to. You're already chasing bro. You'll look weak. Go date someone else, and see this girl when she comes to you.
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 You're already chasing bro. You'll look weak. Go date someone else, and see this girl when she comes to you. Well, I tried that already. I didn't talk to her much for a few days, then she hit me up for a date. We went on a date, things went well, but then since her mother was leaving town, she spent the whole rest of the weekend with her mom while she was still in town. Since that date, we have been talking A LOT more, like regularly. I'd like to think we're past the point of playing the childish cat and mouse game, but you think I still need to play it at this point? I'm just a bit wary because like I said, I lost out on one girl by making myself too unavailable and don't want to do the same with this girl. She is going through some rough times and if I'm not there for her through them, I'm sure one of the other guys will be more than happy to be.
CoolCat771 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 (edited) Well, I tried that already. I didn't talk to her much for a few days, then she hit me up for a date. We went on a date, things went well, but then since her mother was leaving town, she spent the whole rest of the weekend with her mom while she was still in town. Since that date, we have been talking A LOT more, like regularly. I'd like to think we're past the point of playing the childish cat and mouse game, but you think I still need to play it at this point? I'm just a bit wary because like I said, I lost out on one girl by making myself too unavailable and don't want to do the same with this girl. She is going through some rough times and if I'm not there for her through them, I'm sure one of the other guys will be more than happy to be. Next time she calls you, ask to talk to her in person. Ask her what she wants without telling her what you want (unless she asks you to tell her). If the answer is positive, Move on her. No flowers. Edited November 12, 2014 by CoolCat771 1
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 Next time she calls you, ask to talk to her in person. Ask her what she wants without telling her what you want (unless she asks you to tell her). If the answer is positive, Move on her. No flowers. Sounds good to me. I'll give it a shot. Thanks.
Assasda Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 You have this girl on the biggest pedestal ever. I dont think she respects you one bit, thats why she flakes on you. - You are nothing to her, so she doesnt respect your time. You also seem really insecure in trying to lock this girl down, with only 2 weeks of knowing her. lol at trying to buy her love with the flowers. Dude, play it cool, and just have fun with her when you have time. Thats the only way she'll respect you. Also see other women 1
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 You have this girl on the biggest pedestal ever. What leads you to believe that? I have multiple other options lined up. I'm just more interested in this girl than the rest, talk to her a lot more, etc. I dont think she respects you one bit, thats why she flakes on you. - You are nothing to her, so she doesnt respect your time. I don't think it's so much a respect issue as all the drama going on in her life. But I will agree that she doesn't seem to respect my time. I think she takes for granted that not all of us have a ton of spare time on our hands. You also seem really insecure in trying to lock this girl down, with only 2 weeks of knowing her. lol at trying to buy her love with the flowers. Yea, I guess the flowers were a bad idea. Dude, play it cool, and just have fun with her when you have time. Thats the only way she'll respect you. Also see other women Been seeing them. Just not very interested. Guess I'll just have to keep looking around. I just really hate these games. When I was younger, if you liked someone, you actually TOLD them you liked them, started seeing them regularly, etc. It seems the older you get, the more childish you have to act with people when it comes to dating. For me personally, the harder a woman is to get, the LESS I want them, because the more clear it is that they aren't that into me. When a girl actively pursues me, that's what I really like and really sparks my interest. It lets me know they are worth my time. I really don't understand why so many of these women tend to want the men who seem to care the least?
IronZ Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Aside from the flaking out on dates, it sounds like she's into you. She calls you up and talks to you every day. She likes you. Keep things simple for a little while. When the time is right you can talk relationship. 1
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 (edited) Aside from the flaking out on dates, it sounds like she's into you. She calls you up and talks to you every day. She likes you. Keep things simple for a little while. When the time is right you can talk relationship. Yea, I just wish I knew why she flakes so much. Idk if she is afraid of being hurt, if it really is because of all the stress going on in her life, or if it maybe is her exploring other options. I think the next time she asks about hanging out, I need to make myself unavailable. She definitely seems to take my time for granted and not really care when she flakes, like it's no big deal. One other thing that really makes me wonder about her too is texting. There are times where I will send her a text, I'll see that she read it shortly after I sent it, yet it may take her an hour (or sometimes longer) to get back. That's the kind of thing that makes me think she may be going out on dates with other men, but I really don't know. Edited November 12, 2014 by Physx7
Assasda Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Yea, I just wish I knew why she flakes so much. Idk if she is afraid of being hurt, if it really is because of all the stress going on in her life, or if it maybe is her exploring other options. I think the next time she asks about hanging out, I need to make myself unavailable. She definitely seems to take my time for granted and not really care when she flakes, like it's no big deal. I told her why she flakes. And you making excuses for why she flakes IS you putting her on the pedestal. Also, why would you sabotage yourself by not going out with her if she asks? seems pretty foolish - You should only do that if you legitimately dont enjoy her company. It leads me to believe that you like the idea of being with her, and dont like actually being with her
IronZ Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Yea, I just wish I knew why she flakes so much. Idk if she is afraid of being hurt, if it really is because of all the stress going on in her life, or if it maybe is her exploring other options. I think the next time she asks about hanging out, I need to make myself unavailable. She definitely seems to take my time for granted and not really care when she flakes, like it's no big deal. One other thing that really makes me wonder about her too is texting. There are times where I will send her a text, I'll see that she read it shortly after I sent it, yet it may take her an hour (or sometimes longer) to get back. That's the kind of thing that makes me think she may be going out on dates with other men, but I really don't know. If she's afraid of being hurt, making yourself unavailable when she asks to see you would not be the best answer in my opinion. It's hard to tell, but I honestly think based on what I read that she likes you. Be there for her and keep things simple. I'm sure she will appreciate that. Once her divorce is taken care of you can have that talk with her about being exclusive. You shouldn't just assume she's seeing other people. It's going to drive you crazy if you do. 1
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 (edited) I told her why she flakes. And you making excuses for why she flakes IS you putting her on the pedestal. Also, why would you sabotage yourself by not going out with her if she asks? seems pretty foolish - You should only do that if you legitimately dont enjoy her company. It leads me to believe that you like the idea of being with her, and dont like actually being with her Ok, so how would me accepting a date whenever she allows it not continuing to give her reasoning to not respect my time? How is that not putting her on a pedestal by answering her every beckoning call? It seems you are giving me contradictory advice here. Also, you are being extremely presumptuous. While I know she takes my time for granted, I would hardly say I am nothing to her. You might want to re-read my original post - you know, the one where when I mentioned that when I got frustrated about her blowing me off, she blew me up. If I was nothing to her, as soon as I got frustrated, she would've dusted me off and moved her focus onto the other guys. I also don't think that if I meant nothing, she would call or text me first thing when she gets up, call me at least 1-2 times per day, text me at least a dozen times per day, etc. She has plenty of other guys she could be doing that with. At the bare minimum, I'm one of the ones she's choosing to do it with. I am also not making any excuses for her. Obviously there is a reason she flakes. I'm merely speculating based on what I know of her so far. So then what would you suggest I do in order for her to respect my time more? How should I go about making her aware that my time is valuable and that I'm not going to keep dealing with her flaking out? Edited November 12, 2014 by Physx7
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 If she's afraid of being hurt, making yourself unavailable when she asks to see you would not be the best answer in my opinion. It's hard to tell, but I honestly think based on what I read that she likes you. Be there for her and keep things simple. I'm sure she will appreciate that. Once her divorce is taken care of you can have that talk with her about being exclusive. You shouldn't just assume she's seeing other people. It's going to drive you crazy if you do. Yea, you have a good point there. I just feel like I'm being taken for granted at this point and not sure of the best way to fix that. I know she definitely likes me. I'm just not sure of the way to reel her in. I think you are right though that I just need to be patient, be myself, wait this out, and let myself "win" just by being me. As far as the divorce, that could still be months away. She isn't even sure where he is at this point. He has also claimed he was going to take care of the divorce quite a while ago, yet has done nothing to move forward with it yet. Since she doesn't have the money to go through with it at this time, it may get dragged out for quite a while.
Assasda Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Oh, I dont think that youre nothing to her. I think youre one of the guys vying for her affection, and she's weighing her options to see which guy has the most self-respect, and can accept her as a woman. What you do when she flakes is, you dont stand for it. If its not a legitimate excuse, you let her know that your time is important. If she has an excuse, she should also be the one to suggest another time for a meet-up, if she doesnt do that, then just dont meet up. Also, you might want to go on a date and have fun, physical interactions with her, if you havent already 1
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 Oh, I dont think that youre nothing to her. You are nothing to her Lol, you are confusing me Assasda. I think youre one of the guys vying for her affection, and she's weighing her options to see which guy has the most self-respect, and can accept her as a woman. I agree. I know she is weighing options because she has been open and honest with me about it. She knows I am doing the same, but I also kind of gave it away that she is a priority at this point. Maybe that was a bad call, idk. What you do when she flakes is, you dont stand for it. If its not a legitimate excuse, you let her know that your time is important. If she has an excuse, she should also be the one to suggest another time for a meet-up, if she doesnt do that, then just dont meet up. Also, you might want to go on a date and have fun, physical interactions with her, if you havent already Well, then I think before we make plans to meet up again, I am going to make sure she is definitely going to commit to them and point out that this flaking can't keep happening if she wants to keep seeing me. As far as fun physical interactions, I'm not really sure what we could do locally. This town is mostly bars, clubs, and restaurants. I know she likes to go out and dance, but with how many other guys would be drooling over her combined with the fact that I don't dance, I don't see that as a good idea. I know of a couple museums, but I don't see that as very physical. I wouldn't mind taking her for a walk on a beach, but I don't know of one nearby. If you have any suggestions of things you can find in most towns that I can look around for, I'm all ears.
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Coming off a divorce, she doesn't want to commit. If you press, she will drop you. You can send her flowers if you like but just sign the card. The games are a turn off & make you look immature. Sending flowers will put you head & shoulders above the other guys but don't be over the top about it. A small bouquet of mixed flowers will be fine. Still will delivery, this will probably cost you around $40. You need to talk to her about the flaking & the value of your time. You can tell her that you don't like the flaking. I cured one perpetually late guy from not valuing my time by leaving my home after he was more than 1/2 hour late again without calling. He did track me down & was never late again without calling. 2
losangelena Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 So then what would you suggest I do in order for her to respect my time more? How should I go about making her aware that my time is valuable and that I'm not going to keep dealing with her flaking out? Obviously, you can't MAKE her respect your time more, but you can start by explaining to her that it bothers you when she flakes, that you feel she doesn't respect your time, and you won't stand for it. Then she what her reaction is and if her actions change. It does sound like she's interested in you (I certainly don't text men or ask them out on dates if I'm not interested). If she's interested enough in you to alter her behavior, that's a good sign. Don't pull back and don't play games. Being upfront in your intentions (I like you; I want to get to know you more ... ), and setting a clear boundary (but I won't continue to pursue if you keep flaking), is actually quite attractive to a woman (well, this woman, anyway), and if she's interested, she'll respond positively. 1
Donnie Darko Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Getting her pregnant *might* increase your chances of getting her to commit. 2
stillafool Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I think you need to step way back. You want to commit to her after only a couple of weeks???? Are you kidding? You don't even know her yet. If she is just divorced she most certainly doesn't want to get tied down this soon and especially if she is mega attractive. She has a whole new world opening up to her at this stage in her life. I remember after my divorce I just wanted to be free, loved being free and not tied down to anything or anyone. I think you need to calm down and not try so hard or she will run. 1
Author Physx7 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 Thanks for all the advice. I get the suggestions that I need to back off some or the pressure might chase her away. I wasn't sure the best approach, but from all of your feedback, it seems clear to me now that backing off some while still making myself available to her is the best bet.
Author Physx7 Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 Just an update... Me and this girl had a talk the other night about where her head was at. It really does seem like she is just afraid to jump into something and get hurt again. She is definitely into me, but she is also definitely holding back. We hung out all night last night for about 5hrs. She said she just wants to get to know each other at this point, but she did make sure to sit right next to me on the couch, gave me an extended hug at the end of the night, and overall made it clear as day she is really into me. I'm still giving her little signals here and there that I'm interested in her, and there's definitely flirting going on every so often, but I'm being patient. Seems like that is my best option. I also definitely think the flowers would be a bad idea at this point, as it would put pressure on a situation she made clear she doesn't want any pressure from. I'm thinking I will probably wait at least another week or two to do that. So, just trying to be myself, have fun with her, help her to take her mind off her stress, but also at the same time helping her get her life back in order too. I'd like to think we are building something really good here, but I guess I will have to wait and see. As far as exploring other options, I just don't know if that's a good idea at this point. I'm still talking to other women, but I really like this one. If I actually hooked up with one of the other girls at this point, I would feel horrible. I almost don't like that I'm at that point with her, but of about 12 different women I have talked to in the past couple months, this one is by far the one I click with the most.
Author Physx7 Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 Another thing that makes this a bit weird is that she is probably going to move in with me within the next 3 weeks. It's a long story, but she lived with a friend and it didn't work out, then she moved in with her mother for a bit, then her mother moved, and though she had a few different options for where to move (including moving with her mother), she is choosing to live with me (sister has her mother's apartment for another 3 weeks or so). Considering she grew up in this town and how many friends she has locally on FB, I know she definitely is telling the truth and has multiple options. On the other hand, when I threw a hypothetical situation out there (since she is not ready for any type of commitment at this point) about how she would react if I brought some woman home with me one day while we were still just getting to know each other, surprisingly she said she wouldn't care. She even said she would help cover for me to make the situation more comfortable! I almost feel like that is a bad thing that she doesn't care about that, but all else considered, it does seem she really likes me. Maybe she is just not the jealous type, maybe it is something else. I don't know. The girl is a bit of an enigma to me - that is why I really appreciate everyone's feedback on here. It has definitely helped.
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