emily_m Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 So it's happened again - I started seeing someone, we got pretty close and a few weeks in he tells me he doesn't want a relationship. We're kind of travelling at the min. We're both here for around 6 months to a year, but after that he wants the freedom to go off again and not have to deal with a break up. He said he found it difficult to say as he really likes me and he thinks he'll end up regretting it. But I said that if he doesn't want a relationship then he should stick by that as it's obviously not the right time for him. I told him I don't really want to invest in something that isn't going anywhere and that casual never stays that simple. He agreed. So we decided to just be 'friends'. It's difficult as usually I wouldn't have to see the person and I'm quite good at doing no contact. But here we're kind of in the same friendship groups and this is a small town, so we still see each other, and still like each other. We just clicked and both agree that it feels like we've known each other a lot longer. Since we decided to be friends he's asked me to meet for lunch from work most days, which we have. We've seen each other on a few nights out, had sex on two occasions, and I've spent another two nights at his where we've just kissed and cuddled all night. Which is probably worse. So it's not really going to plan! I feel so strong one minute and determined to stick to my word, and the next I miss him like crazy and just want to be in his company. What am I supposed to do here, avoid him completely? I worry that could make things awkward. I'm finding it really hard and on top of everything it's triggering underlying insecurities of not being good enough I feel if a person meets someone they want in their lives they'll make it happen...whether they think they want a relationship or not. This kind of thing never gets easier (Sorry, I wasn't sure where to post so have chosen a couple of categories) 1
Leigh 87 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 It sounds like you have good chemistry, he desires you/ you desire each other to the point of it being difficult to avoid sex when you meet, and he likely thinks you're a really awesome person. But that is it.. If this man had genuine, deep romantic feelings for you that were compelling ENOUGH for him to remain with you/do what it takes to be with you, he would be with you. Actions speak louder than words -yes he feels like he has known you for ages. No, it isn't compelling enough to make him want to drop everything for you. There is a woman out there who will make him drop anything in order to be with her - it isn't you. You clearly cannot maintain involvement without falling for him more so just leave it be as friends. 1
Leigh 87 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 And lets get real here - I really don't want a relationship, but if I met the right person, you can bet I would move heaven and earth in order to make it work. ALWAYS remember - a man can really think a woman is awesome and " cooler than other girls" he has met, and all the while, NOT wanting a relationship with you! It happens all the time! A man can think a woman is " just amazing" and yet not want to explore her on a deeper level....... 1
somedude81 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 A few weeks in? It sounds like you're moving way too fast. You're getting very attached, very quickly, to a guy you barely know. Perhaps you can have the relationship talk before you have sex? 2
Leigh 87 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 A few weeks in is enough for even the most hardened player to know whether or not he is OPEN to a relationship...... Doesn't mean he has to want a relationship; with the right girl, nearly any man will be OPEN to the possibility of a relationship, after a few weeks..... 1
Assasda Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Naa a few weeks is not enough time. OP, you sound desperate if youre asking to be in a relationship in only a few weeks. You guys are still getting to know each other. Slooooooow down. Best case when slowing down. you guys just wait a while to get a little intimate. Worst case, you find out he's addicted to drugs and beats women. If its good, its worth waiting for 1
writergal Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Whenever guys say they don't want a relationship with you, believe them. Circumstances be damned. What am I supposed to do here, avoid him completely? Yes. Even though you're both in a small town where everyone knows your names, if you continue to spend time with him, I fear you will just end up with hurt feelings by the time you both part ways. It sounds like you both jumped into this connection too quickly, now that he's pulled back and just wants to be friends when you two barely know each other. If you really want to be just friends with him, no more hanky panky, unless you're okay with a casual sex relationship. 1
Author emily_m Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 Whoooooa, wait a minute...I didn't ask to be in a relationship. I'm pretty laid back and like my own space, but I do need to know the person I'm dating is open to a relationship, whether it happens eventually or not. To know that person is not, is a waste of my time and feelings. He was the one who brought it up as I guess he too felt as though things were heading in that direction. I agree, I should probably find out whether a guy is open to the possibility of a relationship before I have sex. It would save a lot of hurt feelings!
ascendotum Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 What it is is what you got now. Don't doubt what he says. At least you don't have illusions that you can win him over by him falling for you by starting out with the FWB route. What he's got in not a bad consolation at the moment though as its not far off an FWB. You have to do what's in your best interest and if you staying with what you got is going to give you more heart ache than enjoying it for what it is for next 6 mths then you probably need to pull back. Meet up with him as a friend still but not at night at each others place. Take your mind off him by meeting other local guys, though if you are not going to be staying there long that wont lead to a LTR either. Don't feel insecure over it. He's just not looking for a LTR at his stage in his life when he's traveling and looking for adventure. 1
Leigh 87 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 If a guy really likes you, they know from the get go whether or not they are OPEN to a relationship.... Even people who like to go with the flow, take things slowly and not jump into things despite even the most intense passion, they still know if they are OPEN to a relationship. They know if they find you to be relationship material, and they know if you make them feel compelled to explore you more; doesn't mean they want it all right away, but yeah... If this guy was truly into you he would know if he was "open" to a relationship. Sounds to me like he really likes you as a friend and as a person to "have fun" with.
SawtoothMars Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 So it's happened again - I started seeing someone, we got pretty close and a few weeks in he tells me he doesn't want a relationship. We've seen each other on a few nights out, had sex on two occasions, and I've spent another two nights at his where we've just kissed and cuddled all night. Which is probably worse. So it's not really going to plan! I feel so strong one minute and determined to stick to my word, and the next I miss him like crazy and just want to be in his company. Ok... I cut down your post to the most important parts. You screwed this up... literally, by being cheap and easy. If you WANT to be in a relationship.... then stop having sex with guys before that point.
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I think it's the situation. While you are traveling it will be harder to find somebody looking to settle down. He knows that your time together is limited so he's managing expectations early on. Once you are back home & settled, I think it will be easier to find somebody open to a relationship but while you are on the road I think most people you encounter will be all about being footloose & fancy free. 2
writergal Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Whoooooa, wait a minute...I didn't ask to be in a relationship. I'm pretty laid back and like my own space, but I do need to know the person I'm dating is open to a relationship, whether it happens eventually or not. To know that person is not, is a waste of my time and feelings. He was the one who brought it up as I guess he too felt as though things were heading in that direction. I agree, I should probably find out whether a guy is open to the possibility of a relationship before I have sex. It would save a lot of hurt feelings! Didn't you? Seems like that's what you expected to happen. You say you're disappointed that he friend-zoned you after you two had sex. Well, that indicates that you had expectations for a relationship to develop. If you have sex with him again at this point, it's just as a friend-with-benefits. Next time you meet a guy you are really attracted to, ask the right questions before things go too far, to find out where he's at in his life. Is he looking for a relationship or just casually dating around? If he's casually dating, then you know any sex with that guy will be a FWB situation at best. 1
writergal Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I think it's the situation. While you are traveling it will be harder to find somebody looking to settle down. He knows that your time together is limited so he's managing expectations early on. Once you are back home & settled, I think it will be easier to find somebody open to a relationship but while you are on the road I think most people you encounter will be all about being footloose & fancy free. ^^This for sure. He's managing expectations right now because he knows he doesn't want to have a relationship with you or with any woman while he's on the road traveling.
Maleficent Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I'm not ready for a relationship means I am not interested in you. The only people I know who are truly not ready for a relationship know to NOT DATE ANYONE. 2
losangelena Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Since we decided to be friends he's asked me to meet for lunch from work most days, which we have. We've seen each other on a few nights out, had sex on two occasions, and I've spent another two nights at his where we've just kissed and cuddled all night. Which is probably worse. So it's not really going to plan! I feel so strong one minute and determined to stick to my word, and the next I miss him like crazy and just want to be in his company. What am I supposed to do here, avoid him completely? I worry that could make things awkward. This hardly sounds like friend behavior! If it's hard for you to resist him sexually when you see him, and if it's hard to have sex or cuddle without feeling bad or disappointed, then yes I think you should go no contact. Don't worry about it being "awkward," things seem like they already are. You didn't get what you wanted out of it—a relationship—so don't settle for casual sex that will only get you more attached to someone who's already told you he doesn't want a relationship. You're the only one who loses out in the long run. I think navigating the relationship waters are tricky. There's sexual chemistry; you want to have sex. But in so doing, you do run the risk that the guy won't feel the same way. Yes, it's good to hold out on sex and ask questions first, but that doesn't always happen in reality. Even if you do try and find out where a guy's coming from, he can lie, so there's always a risk. I disagree with the above poster who suggested you screwed this up by being "cheap and easy." But you are disappointed and you are hurt. Best now to protect yourself from getting more hurt, and that could very well mean going NC. Continuing to sleep with him won't change his feelings, and will most likely only make you feel worse. 3
me85 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I'm sorry. I despise that. That information should be given up front.
isisisweeping Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 Definitely no relationship happening here, for whatever reason. It is too bad people arent all completely honest so you'd know if it truly meant right now, or with you, or whatever. I hate lies and half truths.
RebelWithoutACause Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 You need to go no contact or at least very limited contact asap. It's obvious it will only get harder for you from here on because you're more invested than the situation has potential for. He "doesn't want a relationship" is his way of informing you early on that he's not interested in anything long term with you, for whatever reason. I'm sure he enjoys the sex and the intimacy, and he'll keep accepting it for as long as you offer it. But it doesn't mean he's seeing it and you as anything more than a fun, fling thing. He won't change his mind, not now, and not 6 months down the line. He's already made his mind up regarding you and how far he's willing to take it. Get out now while you've only invested a few weeks and before you get even more wrapped up in it. 1
MissBee Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 If you like him and want to be with him but he doesn't want that....then hanging out, sleeping over , having sex, cuddling will NOT help the situation. As how are you doing things differently? You're not...you're just gonna get more and more attached to him as you continue these kinds of bonding behaviors. You have to start detaching which involves none of the above besides maybe limited and casual contact in social settings. I know you think this will be awkward...but what's more awkward or what will be more devastating to you in the end? Being casual friends OR continuing to sleep together, have sleep overs, do couples things then he leaves anyway and moves on? It seems in the long run you'll be better off by starting the detachment process now and just hanging out socially with other people and maybe speaking once in a while but no intimate alone time, sex, cuddling etc. 3
Leigh 87 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Having sex bonds you to a person you fancy. If you only have " good friend" vibes it could work. If you have feelings, too many feelings for a man and you can see long term potential, then sex will only lead to heart break. We are women. We can separate sex and emotions for the men we, well, don't have strong emotions for! For the men we want to date seriously, sorry, but there is no " having sex with no strings" I think you need to be more honest with yourself!
Author emily_m Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Thank you all so much for your constructive feedback and opinions. I know that I need to stick to my word and as I said to him, I can't continue to have a casual relationship as I will become more attached and that isn't fair to myself when we want different things. I know I'm not suited to that type of relationship. It's just backing up my words with my actions that I need to focus on. Unfortunately for me I don't have plans to go 'home' any time soon as I'm working and looking at long term options, not just travelling. Most people around me, male and female, aren't looking for relationships. They're happy to keep things casual and keep their options open as this whole travelling experience is all about having the freedom to do what you want I guess. I still think though that if you meet someone along the way who you want to keep in your life, you wouldn't rule out the possibility of a relationship. This guy says that last year he got close to a girl and was seeing her for about four months, and then she left and went home. He said it was horrible to deal with and he's trying to avoid it happening again.
SawtoothMars Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I still think though that if you meet someone along the way who you want to keep in your life, you wouldn't rule out the possibility of a relationship. This guy says that last year he got close to a girl and was seeing her for about four months, and then she left and went home. He said it was horrible to deal with and he's trying to avoid it happening again. Yes, just not the cheap easy ones. Stop girl thinking and start guy thinking. Guys will give you all kinds of crazy excuses why they can't "be in a relationship". If he felt you were worthwhile he wouldn't be afraid to get hurt. I can promise you that from first hand experience.
Emilia Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I still think though that if you meet someone along the way who you want to keep in your life, you wouldn't rule out the possibility of a relationship. This guy says that last year he got close to a girl and was seeing her for about four months, and then she left and went home. He said it was horrible to deal with and he's trying to avoid it happening again. It's hard to walk away when you think you understand the reason and believe that if you handle it differently from the other girl, this guy will stick around because he will realise that you won't hurt him like that. You must be also lonely too, I went through that when I was away for a chunk of time. The thing is, it's his perspective, you hardly know him. Maybe he is just too emotionally immature and separation is such a big deal for him. Men are more affected by this sort of thing than women are. Being the 'more emotional sex ()' has the advantage of being more in touch with our feelings. Whatever his reasons are, he isn't ready. Sorry OP.
Andy_K Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Guys often take breakups pretty hard. It's not so much the loss of the person, but the loss of a relationship, and the knowledge that it's extremely hard to bounce back any time soon due to one fundamental difference between the sexes - women love confidence and are turned off by the lack of it, whilst men are pretty flexible on that front if they find you attractive enough. Hence when a woman is dumped she can go out and meet new people, get attention, feel wanted, and boost her confidence right back up again. When a guy tried this, women will read him like a book and be turned off by his lack of confidence and emotional state, and avoid him like the plague. This only makes him feel worse, so you have a vicious cycle of rejection and enforced solitude until he's genuinely healed. It can be hard to work your way out of this, and guys do fear it.
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