So fed up of hearing 'I dont want a relationship'!!

[emily_m]

So it's happened again - I started seeing someone, we hung out a lot, got pretty close and a few weeks in he tells me he doesn't want a relationship.

 

We're kind of travelling at the min. We're both here for around 6 months to a year, but after that he wants the freedom to go off again and not have to deal with a break up. He said he found it difficult to say as he really likes me and he thinks he'll end up regretting it. But I said that if he doesn't want a relationship then he should stick by that as it's obviously not the right time for him. I told him I don't really want to invest in something that isn't going anywhere and that casual never stays that simple. He agreed. So we decided to just be 'friends'.

 

It's difficult as usually I wouldn't have to see the person and I'm quite good at doing no contact. But here we're kind of in the same friendship groups and this is a small town, so we still see each other, and still like each other. We just clicked and both agree that it feels like we've known each other a lot longer.

 

Since we decided to be friends he's asked me to meet for lunch from work most days, which we have. We've seen each other on a few nights out, had sex on two occasions, and I've spent another two nights at his where we've just kissed and cuddled all night. Which is probably worse. So it's not really going to plan! I feel so strong one minute and determined to stick to my word, and the next I miss him like crazy and just want to be in his company.

 

What am I supposed to do here, avoid him completely? I worry that could make things awkward.

 

I'm finding it really hard and on top of everything it's triggering underlying insecurities of not being good enough I feel if a person meets someone they want in their lives they'll make it happen...whether they think they want a relationship or not.

 

This kind of thing never gets easier

[Mister Zen]

A woman who wants a relationship too bad comes off like a man who wants sex too bad.

 

That should explain everything.

[emily_m]

I don't understand what you mean, sorry?

[Gloria25]

I "get" where he's coming from...I mean, I've put off sex and/or RLs cuz the timing was just wrong and even for something casual - why invest one or two sex encounters?

 

Well, sorry you wanna be with him, but if he's gonna be gone in a few - I guess there's no point in longing for him.

 

Maybe, next time it's better to not get naked if you can't handle the imminent separation.

[Quiet Storm]

I think many younger generation men just do not see the point of a commitment when they can get all the benefits of a relationship (sex, companionship, talks, cuddles) outside of a defined committed relationship.

 

I know that women need to have their needs met, too, and I'm not saying that women should not have casual sex. Women have as much right to a full sex life, committed or not, as men do.

 

Back before the days when FWB/casual sex was this mainstream, more men were motivated to commit because a committed relationship was their best chance at regular sex/ companionship. Since a FWB arrangement was not welcomed by as many women, men were more prompted to commit. Sex often came after a relationship was established, and was an expression of feelings and sexual tension that had built up over time. Many guys saw sex as a reward for all their efforts, which resulted in him valuing the woman more, IMO, but not just for sex. Many men genuinely enjoyed being part of a couple, and liked being committed. When they really liked a girl, they had to commit or some other guy would commit to her and he'd lose his chance. There are still guys out there who want this, but not as many, IMO.

 

I understand when women say "Sex isn't something I "give up", I enjoy it as much as he does" and "Sex is mutual pleasure and not something to be earned or rewarded" and "I'm not an object to be valued or won over". Those statements are true, I can't argue that. I understand how it can be offensive. But I also can't deny the differences I have seen happening over the past few decades. Most young men are just not motivated to nurture a relationship like they used to be. And IMO it's because a young male's main motivator (sex) is too available, either by FWB or substituted with porn.

 

So a woman's value to many of these men is just not as high as it used to be, which means they are not as motivated to commit. They just want easy, no drama sex and if it's not available, then they make do with porn.

 

I don't know what the solution is, and as the mom of a daughter, I feel bad for her generation of women. They have been raised to "not need a man" and focus on their future and accomplishments, and are more prepared for the corporate world than any generation before. But while they are ambitious, smart and driven, many of them still want a boyfriend. They still dream of a nice guy who has their best interests at heart, that they can trust, who will want to be "a couple". And it really sucks that many of the guys in their generation are not thinking these things- they want sex & naked selfies- with no effort, commitment or responsibility.

 

I'm sorry you are not meeting men that want relationships. Don't give up- there are still men out there that do value relationships- you just have to find them. Don't waste time on the ones who don't want that. You aren't going to change a man who isn't commitment minded. So it's best to just cut those guys off completely and focus your efforts on meeting new relationship minded men.

[Gloria25]

I think many younger generation men just do not see the point of a commitment when they can get all the benefits of a relationship (sex, companionship, talks, cuddles) outside of a defined committed relationship.

 

I know that women need to have their needs met, too, and I'm not saying that women should not have casual sex. Women have as much right to a full sex life, committed or not, as men do.

 

Back before the days when FWB/casual sex was this mainstream, more men were motivated to commit because a committed relationship was their best chance at regular sex/ companionship. Since a FWB arrangement was not welcomed by as many women, men were more prompted to commit. Sex often came after a relationship was established, and was an expression of feelings and sexual tension that had built up over time. Many guys saw sex as a reward for all their efforts, which resulted in him valuing the woman more, IMO, but not just for sex. Many men genuinely enjoyed being part of a couple, and liked being committed. When they really liked a girl, they had to commit or some other guy would commit to her and he'd lose his chance. There are still guys out there who want this, but not as many, IMO.

 

I understand when women say "Sex isn't something I "give up", I enjoy it as much as he does" and "Sex is mutual pleasure and not something to be earned or rewarded" and "I'm not an object to be valued or won over". Those statements are true, I can't argue that. I understand how it can be offensive. But I also can't deny the differences I have seen happening over the past few decades. Most young men are just not motivated to nurture a relationship like they used to be. And IMO it's because a young male's main motivator (sex) is too available, either by FWB or substituted with porn.

 

So a woman's value to many of these men is just not as high as it used to be, which means they are not as motivated to commit. They just want easy, no drama sex and if it's not available, then they make do with porn.

 

I don't know what the solution is, and as the mom of a daughter, I feel bad for her generation of women. They have been raised to "not need a man" and focus on their future and accomplishments, and are more prepared for the corporate world than any generation before. But while they are ambitious, smart and driven, many of them still want a boyfriend. They still dream of a nice guy who has their best interests at heart, that they can trust, who will want to be "a couple". And it really sucks that many of the guys in their generation are not thinking these things- they want sex & naked selfies- with no effort, commitment or responsibility.

 

I'm sorry you are not meeting men that want relationships. Don't give up- there are still men out there that do value relationships- you just have to find them. Don't waste time on the ones who don't want that. You aren't going to change a man who isn't commitment minded. So it's best to just cut those guys off completely and focus your efforts on meeting new relationship minded men.

 

Agreed ^^...I just wanna make a point that while women want to explore all of these "freedoms" to have casual sex, then when reality "hits" we have situations like the OP. So, I still believe that women can't have sex casually like men do. We are built different biologically/physically/physiologically.

[TigerLilly78]

Agreed ^^...I just wanna make a point that while women want to explore all of these "freedoms" to have casual sex, then when reality "hits" we have situations like the OP. So, I still believe that women can't have sex casually like men do. We are built different biologically/physically/physiologically.

 

Agreed interestingly I once said on LS I do not have casual sex and only within a established relashionship and omg was I jumped on by alot of men it was like they were angry! just thought that was revelant to what the poster above you said also that men are not relashionship minded anymore cause they get sex anyways so I guess a women who openly said she doesn't give it up easy annoyed them..

[Quiet Storm]

Agreed ^^...I just wanna make a point that while women want to explore all of these "freedoms" to have casual sex, then when reality "hits" we have situations like the OP. So, I still believe that women can't have sex casually like men do. We are built different biologically/physically/physiologically.

 

 

I think some women can have casual sex, especially women that really do not want a relationship in their lives at that time. When there genuinely are no expectations or hopes, and it's really accepted for what it is- two people enjoying sex- it can work.

 

However, I think many women do still want relationships. When these women have casual sex, the closeness and the hormone oxytocin, usually do spark "feelings". Which inevitably leads to disappointment when he doesn't want the same thing.

 

I also see, especially with my 18 YO son's peers, that some girls "use sex to get love", which is nothing new, but more evident now due to all the sexting going on. Girls will say they are OK with FWB, they will send naked pics because they like the positive feedback, but then end up disappointed when the guys don't change their minds and want relationships. This confuses young guys like my son, because he is upfront & honest about not wanting a relationship, but still ends up with crying and & disappointed girls when he doesn't fall in love with them.

[writergal]

Is this the same guy you posted about in this thread:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/501430-fed-up-hearing-i-don-t-want-relationship

 

If it is, why did you start another thread about him?

[Gloria25]

I think some women can have casual sex, especially women that really do not want a relationship in their lives at that time. When there genuinely are no expectations or hopes, and it's really accepted for what it is- two people enjoying sex- it can work.

 

However, I think many women do still want relationships. When these women have casual sex, the closeness and the hormone oxytocin, usually do spark "feelings". Which inevitably leads to disappointment when he doesn't want the same thing.

 

I also see, especially with my 18 YO son's peers, that some girls "use sex to get love", which is nothing new, but more evident now due to all the sexting going on. Girls will say they are OK with FWB, they will send naked pics because they like the positive feedback, but then end up disappointed when the guys don't change their minds and want relationships. This confuses young guys like my son, because he is upfront & honest about not wanting a relationship, but still ends up with crying and & disappointed girls when he doesn't fall in love with them.

 

What's sad is that while it's normal for chicks to seek out male attention - especially at a young age. It's no the innocent passing of "do you like me, check "yes" or "no" notes and/or sharing a malt shake. It's giving oral in a school bathroom of full blown sex.

[Frank2thepoint]

What am I supposed to do here, avoid him completely? I worry that could make things awkward.

 

You've made yourself too available to him, and continue indulging him. You need to put the brakes on this arrangement if you really want a relationship out of him. Stop having sex, stop cuddling, stop hanging out. Just tell him it is unacceptable and you want a relationship. Say it just like that. If he refuses, then just remain friends with him, but don't spend any quality time with him, even if you miss him, because you'll send the message validating his behavior.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

 

What am I supposed to do here, avoid him completely? I worry that could make things awkward.

 

Yes! Who cares if it gets awkward? I'd damn sure rather sacrifice a little temporary awkwardness for the sake of guarding my heart and protecting myself from further disappointment.

 

Your first mistake was continuing to see him once you knew he didn't want a relationship. As long as you continue to settle for these casual relationships - even though you KNOW that's not what you want - this will keep happening.

 

Yes, there are many women who enjoy the freedom of a NSA relationship however there are some who absolutely cannot do "casual" and then there are other women who can't do casual with certain people. Whatever the case, you definitely don't sound like the kind of girl who can handle NSA.

 

Keep your distance. As Quiet Storm already beautifully outlined, there are tons of guys who don't want relationships because FWB setup provide them with all the benefits and comforts of a real relationship without having to put in a fraction of the effort, time or energy. I can't blame them. Why work lock yourself into a contact when you can make as much, if not more as a free agent?

 

 

I'm finding it really hard and on top of everything it's triggering underlying insecurities of not being good enough I feel if a person meets someone they want in their lives they'll make it happen...whether they think they want a relationship or not.

 

I slept with a guy I got feelings for who ended up "not wanting a relationship". You know what I did? I stopped sleeping with him. I immediately recognized that I was not going to sex my way into his heart and cut him loose. Yes I was a bit sad and yes I missed him and Oh! how he blew up my phone begging to see me again, telling me he missed me and how much he cared about me but he didn't want to be with me; it was the sex he missed and nothing more. Even if it wasn't, I wasn't about to go down that road and play that game of 'wait and see' again.

 

I stopped missing him shortly thereafter and got over it because I fully untangled myself from that web.

[writergal]

Yes! Who cares if it gets awkward? I'd damn sure rather sacrifice a little temporary awkwardness for the sake of guarding my heart and protecting myself from further disappointment.

 

Your first mistake was continuing to see him once you knew he didn't want a relationship. As long as you continue to settle for these casual relationships - even though you KNOW that's not what you want - this will keep happening.

 

Yes, there are many women who enjoy the freedom of a NSA relationship however there are some who absolutely cannot do "casual" and then there are other women who can't do casual with certain people. Whatever the case, you definitely don't sound like the kind of girl who can handle NSA.

 

Keep your distance. As Quiet Storm already beautifully outlined, there are tons of guys who don't want relationships because FWB setup provide them with all the benefits and comforts of a real relationship without having to put in a fraction of the effort, time or energy. I can't blame them. Why work lock yourself into a contact when you can make as much, if not more as a free agent?

 

I slept with a guy I got feelings for who ended up "not wanting a relationship". You know what I did? I stopped sleeping with him. I immediately recognized that I was not going to sex my way into his heart and cut him loose. Yes I was a bit sad and yes I missed him and Oh! how he blew up my phone begging to see me again, telling me he missed me and how much he cared about me but he didn't want to be with me; it was the sex he missed and nothing more. Even if it wasn't, I wasn't about to go down that road and play that game of 'wait and see' again.

 

I stopped missing him shortly thereafter and got over it because I fully untangled myself from that web.

 

10+ for your post Lernaean!

Edited November 12, 2014 by writergal

[emily_m]

Thank you all so much for your constructive feedback...Quiet Storm, you're spot on. I know that I need to stick to my word and as I said to him, I can't continue to have a casual relationship as I will become more attached and that isn't fair to myself when we want different things. I completely agree - why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

 

It's so difficult because I don't do one night stands, I don't meet men who want relationships, and a casual fwb set-up doesn't suit me as I can't shut my feelings off. It could be years before I meet someone who does want a relationship and there's no way I'm going to be celibate until then...so I'm stuck in a bit of a rut really.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

It's so difficult because I don't do one night stands, I don't meet men who want relationships, and a casual fwb set-up doesn't suit me as I can't shut my feelings off. It could be years before I meet someone who does want a relationship and there's no way I'm going to be celibate until then...so I'm stuck in a bit of a rut really.

 

It's tough because sex is great and holding out for it until you meet "the one" or someone who might be can be very difficult. But if you want to continue having sex while on the search for a genuine relationship you're going to have to engage in a bit of self-preservation. You're really going to have to work hard to divorce sex from your emotions and make sure your next casual fling is strictly physical.

 

First and foremost, the cuddling and intimacy has to be eliminated, I'm sorry to say. It might sound cold and unfeeling but all those extra little displays of emotion/attraction only serve to confuse and convince a person that there's more to the encounter than sex when there shouldn't be.

 

Second, you'd do well to maybe select guys who, for whatever reasons, would make wholly undesirable candidates for a LTR.

 

Lastly, when you find a guy you maybe would like to sleep with, assess whether they're looking for a LTR or NSA. If they say NSA, believe them and don't go further with them until you feel you fully understand and accept that fact.

[emily_m]

Thanks Lernaean, that's great advice.

 

I have never questioned him not wanting a relationship or have never not believed him...I was just finding it hard to break away. Despite me knowing that's the best/only option for me.