does stonewalling (or isolation) ever end????

[jj99]

Ill try to make this as brief as possible - any help is much appreciated.

 

Im 34 and my boyfriend is 43, we have been together for 6 + years. We do not have any children together and we do not live together - we did for a brief period which resulted in me moving out and us breaking up for a year +.

 

My boyfriend and I are at a stalemate at the moment. Like all couples that have been together for a while, we're stuck in a rut that Im worried will never get better.

 

The truth is, our communication skills suck. We both have bad tempers, but lately ugly behaviors from the past is beginning to reappear and that is worrisome and scary for me. Aside from the laundry list of fights and problems 1 couple has through the years, the biggest 1 for me is his isolation technique. When we get into an argument, not only will he completely shut down, he can and will turn off his emotions. He will ignore calls, texts, emails, even me ringing the doorbell to his apt. I can usually take the hint and have no problem giving him his space, but this time, it's out of control.

 

We got into an arguement about some trivial bs recently. I left, pissed, but called the next night to apologize. A whole day later, he texted me back saying not to worry about it. Assuming we were cool, I called him - but he ignored my call. Not only did he ignore me, he continued to ignore me for 2 WEEKS...2 WEEKS!

 

Figuring he needed space, I backed off, but at the 2 week mark I couldn't take it anymore and I called him. He acted dismissive, aloof, melancholy and almost annoyed. I was left w/more questions than answers. When I asked if we would talk again/figure **** out soon, all he said was 'maybe we'll talk at the end of the week. I love you."

 

I backed off again and man, did he mean it when he said at the end of the week - he called me at the very end. So of course by the time I spoke to him I was no longer keeping a level head - I was enraged. I was enraged about how blase he was about everything and I was even more pissed that when I tried to explain to him how I was feeling, he told me that my feelings were wrong or "ficticious". And while I was patiently waiting to fix things and talk things through w/ him, that fiction comment made me see black, (not red, b/c I was blacked out pissed). I lost my **** on him and basically said that he alone does not dictate the pace and tempo of this relationship. Before I hung up on him, I said "maybe well talk at the end of the week". (spiteful, I know).

 

So my question is this - for those who have been through this and are in the know-

does stonewalling/isolation ever end, decrease or get better?

has anyone ever dated a someone who was older that seemed emotionally unstable?

If any older guys are reading this - dudes, wtf? are all 40-something-males like this? or is it me?

 

sorry for the rambling and thanks for the help in advance!

[Mi7522]

If I were him I would be going NC on you.

[Seeker12]

I used to block out my emotions, ignore etc. my ex whenever we fell out, fortunately she was like you, and always within a day would patch things up, or id try patch things up she would be angry, but eventually give in later on, i have a serious bad habit of never being able to say sorry. Ultimately what made me grow up? When we broke up, thats when i matured, thats when i realised that my behaviour here, here, here and there was wrong, thats when i noticed my own flaws and vowed never to do them again. I dont know what the trigger is for your bf, but for me that was the trigger which helped me grow that inch extra as a human.

[jj99]

Seeker12 - Im not sure what else I can do to prevent it from happening, Ive tried my best to change myself as much as I can. But unfortunately, Im worried that Im headed in the same direction.

[jj99]

Mi7522 - why NC me? I have respected his obvious need for space and have not tried contacting him in any way in the 2 + weeks. But after all that time not talking, and after those passive aggressive phone calls, I let my anger get the best of me. Ill apologize if/when we talk again, I am usually the 1 to do so, (unfortunately). All I want is some accountability on his part.

[KatZee]

Does stonewalling ever end?

 

Sure, if the person on the giving end of it acknowledges their toxic and damaging behavior and takes steps to rectify it.

 

The question should be: Will HIS stonewalling ever end?

 

I'm going to go with, no.

 

You've been with him for six years and it seems to get progressively worse. And to be honest I think you're both together out of obligation, comfort, and co-dependency, not because you're both so in love.

 

His behaviors bring out the worst in you, and he doesn't even acknowledge what he's doing. He's dismissive of your feelings to his actions, and if there's no communication, there's no relationship. His actions are not those of a man who wants to change, and who realizes he's hurting his partner. He frankly doesn't care about your wants, or needs here, it's all about him.

 

My ex was very much like your boyfriend. He pulled the same stunts with me, and no, he never outgrew it, or changed, or stopped. He had no reason to because every time he played this game, I'd be the "understanding girlfriend" who just backed off and gave him space. I sacrificed every ounce of who I was just to ensure he was happy, had enough space, wasn't feeling pressured.

 

And what happened to me? I became the way you've become. Angry. Not a person I even recognized. Constantly unhappy, walking on eggshells wondering when the next time he'd go off and just ignore me again. It got to the point where I couldn't even express my feelings or try to resolve issues because if I tried, he'd stone wall me.

 

For lack of better words, relationships like this are stupid. Everything was always about my ex. The relationship and the entire world had to revolve around him and his wants, needs, expectations. What I needed, wanted, how I felt, it meant nothing to him and he never cared. The only thing that mattered was his happiness.

 

People like this are so self absorbed. Don't expect him to ever "get" how poorly he treats you. These people have their heads shoved so far up their own a.ss hole's that they can't see it.

[jj99]

KatZee - I totally agree w/ you 100%. Honestly, IDK what kind of advice I was looking for or expecting. I guess subconsciously, I came on here to vent b/c I have a feeling we will talk by the end of the week. Even though I have been through this before, my mind is always in a fog by the time we start talking again - I guess Im looking for some help getting my thoughts and sh*t together.

 

Honestly, Im at my wits end. Part of me hopes that neither of us will contact each other and the whole thing will just fade away, while the other part wishes that we can both knock off the BS and just get on w/ it and make it work. Im really confused, worried and disenchanted by the whole thing.

 

People have suggested that we go to couples therapy - and that's another reason why Im asking about stonewalling - b/c if it doesn't get better, than what's the point of going? It has been 2+ years since we got back together -at first it was great, he went for help and we really tried hard to work on things - now IDK WTF happened.

 

What happened when you finally left your bf KatZee? (if you don't mind me asking). Did he try to reconcile afterward?

[KatZee]

I actually never left him. He had done this stonewalling thing for so long that I became so damaged. I was just a shell of a human being. I truly believed I was the reason we weren't working and tried bending even further backwards for him.

 

He wound up dumping me, which honestly, thank God he did because I never would have left him. I was too far brainwashed and broken down by him to have the strength to leave.

 

He actually met someone else at his new job, emotionally cheated on me and left me for her. I found all this out after the fact.

 

I really don't think my ex truly ever loved me. I think he thinks he did, but when I look back I don't see the actions of a loving partner. I see selfishness. He "loved" me as much as he was capable of but it was never real love.

 

He never tried reaching out to me again but I pretty much ensured he never could. I blocked him everywhere. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. He had been horrible to me and I didn't want any of his emotional abuse (that's exactly what this is) any longer.

[jj99]

That's basically what happened to me. The first time around, we were together for 4 years. During that last year, he kept begging me to move in w/him, but I was hesitate at first b/c the year prior was a really BAD 1 for us. But I thought we were at a turning point and since we were together for so long, I thought that if we were committed, open and really love each other, it would work out. WRONG. About 8 months after me moving in, we got into a huge fight and he told me to get out.

 

We were broken up for about a year & a 1/2. I was devastated - not only b/c what happened, but the things that were said + I had to rush to find a new place to live, etc. I slowly began to get/feel better towards the end of that time - I even began seeing someone, (granted, it was a LDR, but it was just enough that I could handle @ that time w/o going into a complete emotional tailspin) - and of course, what happened? He contacted me on NYE to wish me well. (???)

 

I ignored his email for weeks b/c even though I hated him at the moment, I couldn't help that I was still in love w/ him...and an obvious fool. After weeks of deliberating, I replied back. We took things at a snails pace and only communicated through email for about 4 months, then we slowly moved on to actually talking on the phone, and then we eventually started to see each other again.

 

At first it was great b/c he understood my need to take it at a snails pace. At this time, he was even going to anger mgmt classes and therapy and things seemed to be going great. He was still living in the same apt that we shared and it was very hard for me to go back there at first - he would always want to spend the night, but it was just too sad for me to go to his apt (until I was finally comfortable) we would often times go to a hotel. (I didn't want him coming to my place b/c I had some family living w/me at the time).

 

Things seemed to be going great. We were open and understanding and patient. Every time we got into an argument, we would push ourselves to talk it out, w/o exploding, and try to make a quick resolution. I helped him w/whatever I could- I made sure to show that I appreciated the 'mental work' he was doing, I tried my best to back-off whenever he needed alone time, etc. He was making strides as well - it didn't feel like he was withholding anything, and he began to make the things he was upset about known, w/o suppressing them and then turning it into resentment towards me. We began to take care of each other like we use to - he got me a car, I made sure I was a doting gf that would go out of her way to help him w/anything -from stuff around the house, to his business, to helping him fix his motorcyle, etc.

 

It is now a the 2+ year mark that we have been back together. Things were going so great, that before we went away on vacation this past august, we began to seriously discuss/look for a house together. But all of sudden, things began to change while on vacation. He screamed at me for forgetting a couple of things for the trip, which resulted in him not talking to me for the first day of the trip. He would begin to get sullen and weird out of nowhere and become totally unapproachable and untouchable. Then when we came back from the trip, it was like a monsoon of problems hit us - I was layed off from my job, his father had to have emergency heart surgery - the deck was being stacked against us and it resulted in us having a stupid fight weeks ago like a couple of 17 y.o.

 

KatZee - your right in saying that he dumped you was the best thing, b/c I often times feel that way. But now I feel like Ive been duped, or am I sucker b/c I fell for it again. It is so frustrating for me b/c now I saw what it COULD be like when he goes for help and does the work, (we both need to do the 'work', I am very willing to, whereas he seems to drag his feet), but now I dont know what to do.

 

Im very confused. I dont want to be in a codependent relationship, and I defiantly don't want to be in a toxic 1, but at this point, this is the very definition of insanity, right? I dont know if I should even call him and apologize for outburst and try to figure this out, or to just let this carcass of a relationship just bleed out.

[KatZee]

I mean, you can't say you didn't give it all you had. You tried. You tried therapy route, you tried actively working on it.

 

The thing is, you can't foot this entire relationship yourself. He did the bare minimum to keep you around, and when he had you he started to back slide.

 

This relationship will never be a source of comfort, security, or happiness for you.

 

Just look back. Pretty much 85% of the time you've been with him, or been involved with him, has been misery. You had a horrible year together, it took you then another year and a half to start moving on, and then he ropes you back in, and now it's degraded again.

 

I don't think you can say with honesty that you're actually happy. You're unfortunately, just broken and damaged, and your ego is preventing you from leaving since you have so many years invested and you don't want to think that all this time has been wasted, but reality is, it has.

 

I know you look back and probably wish you would have stayed away when you guys broke up the first time, but now you just have to learn from that.

 

You gave it your best shot, you tried, you gave it your all. Unfortunately love is not enough and the desire to want something to work isn't enough.

 

You're with a guy who has no issues acting as if you don't even exist for weeks. This is not a relationship at all.

 

I also wouldn't be shocked if there was some other person involved somewhere either.

[elaine567]

Stonewalling is emotional abuse.

Stonewalling in Abuse

[jj99]

Ill be completely honest and say that Im scared as well. My support system is shrinking - majority of friends have either moved out of state, got married, had kids etc - and both of my parents are dead.

 

Im stuck in such a rut right now, between fighting w/him and losing my job, that Im beginning to worry about my own sanity. I dont want to bother my friends w/ my bs when I do see them - they have their own problems and bigger lives w/families etc, compared to my small, dismal life. Just this week alone, 2 of my friends got engaged in the same week! I never needed to get married, but I always wanted a serious commitment from him. When we did finally speak and I told him this, he basically had nothing to say.

 

Im worried about moving on in all aspects. I know that if this is the definate end, I will not date anyone for a long while. I realize that I need to go back into therapy and work on myself or I will keep this cycle of abusive bf's for the rest of my life. I just dont know how I go about making new friends and meeting new people at this stage in the game - it's not that much fun going out if you have to go out to get a drink alone every time! Im also worried about the transition of a new job and not having someone to talk about it everyday, or even getting those good morning and good night texts - sometimes I miss those the most and it makes my heart and head ache.

[KatZee]

What you need to do is become an active participant of your own life. You basically just let everyone steamroll you. Your boyfriend, your friends...

 

Just because you're not married and don't have kids doesn't mean your problems are any less valid than theirs.

 

Reach out to people you haven't been around in awhile. Open up to them. Ask for advice. A new job will be a great opportunity to meet new people and you can also try meetup.com for social events. Try speed dating, singles events.

 

Not necessarily to meet a partner but to just get out there. Be social. Strike up convos with other women. Use it as something to do to get out of the house.

 

Make a list of what your interests are. Try volunteer work. There's much more to life than going to the bar for a drink. What are you PASSIONATE about? When you figure it out, go DO it.

[elaine567]

I never needed to get married, but I always wanted a serious commitment from him. When we did finally speak and I told him this, he basically had nothing to say.

 

I think you need to run, while you are still able. You do not live together and you have no children, there is nothing to hold you back here.

If good night and good morning texts is all he has to offer, when he even bothers to send them, then you deserve better.

 

He may or may not be a narcissist, but this is a good watch.

[KatZee]

I'm actually going to go out and say that your problems being linked to a toxic person who emotionally abuses you is far bigger of a problem than a grumpy baby with diaper rash.

 

And good God, you don't want to wind up like this:

 

Man Tells Heartbreaking Story Of How He Realized He Wasted His Life

[Zahara]

Having been in a relationship where stonewalling was common, no it doesn't change but it only gets worse. It's passive aggressive behavior meant to punish and control. It's a form of emotional abuse. If things were ever to have a chance of change, you would not have been stuck in this dysfunction for these many years. There's a difference between space and stonewalling. Space is when two people take some time, a day at most to cool off and then come together and discuss what went wrong and resolve those issues. Stonewalling is when one person silences you indefinitely to teach you that what you did (whether it was your fault or not) was wrong, so that you never do it again. Done enough times, you condition yourself, walking on eggshells and silencing yourself from speaking or having an opinion because you fear that expressing yourself will cause him to alienate you again. So you shut up. Hence, your journey to becoming an empty shell. It's a control tactic.

 

Ill be completely honest and say that Im scared as well. My support system is shrinking - majority of friends have either moved out of state, got married, had kids etc - and both of my parents are dead.

 

At the end of the day, the only person that you can count on is yourself. Being alone and having a limited support system doesn't justify being with someone that treats you this way. And if someone treats you this way, it's not regarded as someone that is supportive of you.

 

but I always wanted a serious commitment from him. When we did finally speak and I told him this, he basically had nothing to say.

 

There's your answer. Silence.

 

I realize that I need to go back into therapy and work on myself or I will keep this cycle of abusive bf's for the rest of my life. I just dont know how I go about making new friends and meeting new people at this stage in the game - it's not that much fun going out if you have to go out to get a drink alone every time! Im also worried about the transition of a new job and not having someone to talk about it everyday, or even getting those good morning and good night texts - sometimes I miss those the most and it makes my heart and head ache.

 

You've settled for so little. Good morning texts? You have to want more in your life. Granted those little things made you feel validated but look at the grand scheme of things as in his treatment of you.

 

One thing at a time. Therapy and looking for a job first. Making friends and dating can be put on the list of future steps to take after you've invested some time in yourself by being alone and working through your issues. Start being your own champion.