If you're in pain, you're free to share here.

[sooshi]

Hi everyone,

 

I didn't think I'd be coming back here to post about my own stuff, but here I am.

 

Last night, I learned that my ex-fiance is in a relationship. For probably a couple of months. I'm happy for him, but sad for me. Sad that years of friendship is now history. Sad that he's doing so well, renewed and liberated, and that I'm not a part of his life.

 

I'm working on taking care of myself in the meantime to cope with this transition.

 

Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

 

Thank you for reading.

[jackinthebox1]

Its unlikely this new relationship will work out and he may come sniffing around at some point wether that be 12 months or 2 years.

But in the mean time you have no choice now but to accept that it's over and focus on you

Edited November 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for gender specifics

[Strength in Healing]

You've always been intelligent, insightful, and caring. I have nothing but good things to say about you. You are a great catch. Keep your head up.

[sooshi]

SIH, I appreciate your kinds words. Thank you.

[Phoe]

Sooshi, stay strong and focus on you. If anything, knowing that the era has come to an end, may be the final push needed to get you truly moved on, once and for all.

Edited November 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted off topic rebuttal.

[Richiebuoy]

It will be your turn next sooshi to start again with someone new and have an exciting new life together, good luck and best wishes to you.

[sooshi]

I appreciate your kind words, Richiebuoy. I'm trying to take responsibility for my feelings, but it's hard right now.

[Robert]

Just a note from moderation, let's keep the posts on topic. Thank you.

[sooshi]

Phoe, I forgot to respond to your post. I missed it when I was replying. I think you're right: it's the final push to help me move on. I miss having him, his family, and a couple of his friends in my life, but I know it's time to leave that all behind. Appreciate the memories, and make new ones.

[sooshi]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm "sooshi", and I'm a future psychotherapist. Being in therapy myself in recent months has afforded me the self-awareness that I want to be a psychotherapist!

 

I'd like to practice on here with anyone who wants to share their feelings, concerns, etc. I haven't done any training yet, but I'm serious and passionate about working with others to heal.

 

If you'd like to help me practice (and give me feedback, where you feel comfortable by doing so) by sharing your story with me on here, I'll be compassionate, responsive, and empathetic, and I'll attempt to respond in a timely manner. When I feel like I'm not able to continue doing this, I'll ask that the thread be closed.

 

Try to summarize your story, where possible.

 

The goal of this thread is not to cure anyone's problems, but to help you become aware of solutions for healing and seeing your situation in a more productive way.

 

Thanks!

[DrReplyInRhymes]

My dear friend, I shall take you up on your request,

Within this rhyme, I shall try to do my very best.

I will admit, my pain has lessened greatly,

But to this day, it's still something I think about lately.

 

There's not one particular person in which I feel blue,

to me its the totality of the failures which I accrue,

One after another, all the common problems show their face

Yet it seems to be something that I just can't embrace.

 

Loyalty and honesty is something quite rare,

most people will disagree, yet in my experiences I share,

I've seen self proclaimed good girls lie, steal, and cheat,

and I've seen "innocent girls" accomplish the same feat.

 

I have not lost hope, and I will find a way,

But I do tell the truth when I just want someone to stay.

Casual relationships is what this world has become,

But those are oft left unfulfilled and just about getting one to cum.

 

I am attractive, and confident, a male alpha some would say.

I do not have any problems with anxiety or getting a lay,

I've often been approached, even by women who hide their S.O.

Where sex and "something better" is their only M.O.

 

Yet in the end, here I sit alone about to sleep and on a board.

Where people mingle and share misery, and heartbreaks galore,

It's a humbling experience to know others feel the same,

yet its dog eat dog world, and many do so without shame.

 

My sadness is deep, hidden within the confines of my soul,

masked behind a smile, a contagious laugh, and body not old.

In conversation and in passing, I promise you couldn't really tell,

That I yearn for that connection my dear friends have all felt.

 

There's been only a very few that I was willing to chance,

those turned into a nasty tug of war between song and dance,

where my values and beliefs, my core person was shook,

they left as quickly as they came, and my heart, they took.

 

The culmination of hard lessons learned, the realization someday,

That my life may be lonesome, not lonely, I say.

However, tomorrow, I shall don a big smile and go about my own day,

Then try to call a few girls who I know want a lay.

 

It may be shallow, it may be sickening, but most women I've seen,

Have no problem playing the field, and having booty calls in between.

I have no problem filling that void with hookups and fun,

But I still look forward to the day that I meet "the one".

 

I have never been married, I've never even uttered that phrase,

But I have been proposed too....in my younger days.

I'm in my prime, and I will be enjoying my time.

And this mountain they call love....I'll be the first to try to climb.

 

Should I reach the summit someday, I will remember this board,

the tons of help given, and the help received and adored.

This truly is a place where you can let negative feelings float away,

and look forward to falling in love again....maybe.....someday.

Edited November 12, 2014 by DrReplyInRhymes

[Feelbettersoon]

I'll give it a go because my pain levels are high the last 48 hours.

Mid twenties. Friends for 8 years growing up. Then went out for two. Very much in love and saw a future with this guy.

He ends relationship very out of the blue after a summer holiday abroad, which was very fun.

I thought he may be confused with life as he lost a family member three years ago and needed time. I blamed myself for stressing out withj my own issues.

 

Yesterday 3 and a half months after BU I find out that he has been in a new realtionship since we broke up with a girl I dislike (due to her making a pass on him during the firsy two months of our relationship) .

 

He hasn't reached out to me at all and iv been doing NC. Hurts so much knowing all this time he wasn't sad he's jusy replaced me

[sooshi]

DrReplyInRhymes,

 

It sounds like having a deep, romantic connection is really important to you. You've had a lot of relationship experience, and you feel like each of them have taken your heart. You experience these relationships as "tug of wars."

 

How about we explore a different perspective with some of the things you've said?

 

You've mentioned the "failures you accrue," and my understanding is that you're referring to romantic relationships here. Remember that relationships of any kind involve two people. It's an interaction, and both individuals have the choice to work on things or to not. Both have the choice to avoid or to learn. By calling any experience a failure, we're telling ourselves that we don't want to learn from those experiences.

 

What is something you gained from a relationship that stands out? Perhaps you gained sexual or inner confident. Maybe you learned a new skill. Each relationship brings something to the table. Think about what good those relationships have brought to you.

 

In what ways do you feel like the concept of "the one" is helpful to you in your romantic avenues? Do you find yourself having realistic standards for the vision of your relationship and partner? What is your vision of a romantic relationship, and are you willing to be flexible with your vision?

 

Some things to think about.

[Sweetescape910]

Thank you so much. The fact that you're specializing in this makes me confident to share my story and recieve positive feedback and cognitive complexity. I really appreciate it. You're amazing.

 

Me and this guy were dating for a couple months and really liked eachother. We were about to be official, until he broke it off with me because he's depressed. He's not in a happy place right now, and he doesn't think he could be in a commitment when he cant make himself happy. I respected his decision, and he wanted to be friends. He said he could be with me in the future with the right mind and I said good, I don't want you to write us off, to which he said I'm not. It's been almost two months, and he'll still text me here and there like every two weeks

 

Anyways, He doesn't believe in god and I do, so if he texts me, he'll try to start an argument on why god isn't real.

 

 

Anyways, 2 weeks ago today, he got mad at me for liking his friends instagram photos. We like eachothers posts whenever their uploaded, and he said he wouldn't expect that from me, but he would expect it from his friend. I told him that if I was the one who dumped him, I would understand why he would be upset, but he doesn't have anything to worry about. He said "that's just rude, I ended it for reasons other than not liking you anymore." I read the text wrong, and said " you ended it with me because you didn't like me anymore? He said " no I just said that, I got to go. I'm driving" I said alright I read it wrong. I really thought he didn't want to get into it, which is why he said bye. I haven't spoken to him since. This was the LAST TIME I contacted him.

 

Fast forward a few days later he uploaded a picture of himself on instagram and the caption was "I'm a worn out man" and this girl commented and said oh are you worn out from Jennie? And tagged her. I'm assuming he's seeing her. WHY ELSE would he be "worn out" from a girl. This hurt me way too much.

 

 

He texted me last Tuesday (8 days ago, a week after our talk about the instagram thing) and sent me a picture of a Facebook status about someone else posting why they didn't believe in god because their friend died. I didnt answer agt all. Why? Because I didn't know what to say. And plus its not like hell text me saying hey how are you? If he hasn't seen that facebook status, I doubt he would have texted me. He'll randomly text me things, and if it's not about god, it's just to say what's up. He doesn't carry out the conversation, ask me how I am, etc. I don't know if he's bored, or he still has feelings for me. I think it's cute how he keeps in touch because it shows he wants to be friends, but I obviously want to be more. I just don't want to be played with. I hate playing games. He's clearly seeing someone else, so why does he text me? I don't know what to do. I still hope that he'll come back, but I know I need to move on. My question to you: is he playing me? Is it good that I ignored his text? What does it show him? Does it show him I'm moving on? He hasn't tried contacting me since that text message of the image, and it hurts how even though I ignored him, he hasn't tried again. It's been 8 days since he sent that and 2 weeks since we talked.

[sooshi]

Feelbettersoon,

 

You're going through a heavy loss. This man, who has been really important to you and involved in your life for a number of years isn't as involved in your life as he used to be. It hurts when we go through an interpersonal transition like the one you're going through.

 

We all encounter stresses... and we all feel stressed out sometimes. Your ex had the choice to either listen and work with you, and learn about both you and himself from doing so, or not working through with you and therefore not learn. He chose not to learn, and that is no fault of yours, and does not reflect any shortcoming on your end. He simply made a choice based on his individual perceptions and beliefs at the time--which may or may not have been in alignment with your own--and it wasn't a choice that made you feel good about yourself. This made you feel vulnerable, and you blamed yourself as a result.

 

As I said, we all get stressed out sometimes. People may or may not stick with us until we work through the stressful period. The ones who do are the ones who are willing to learn and grow. Your ex didn't make that choice; therefore, I do infer that he perhaps was unwilling to learn and grow.

 

I'll give it a go because my pain levels are high the last 48 hours.

Mid twenties. Friends for 8 years growing up. Then went out for two. Very much in love and saw a future with this guy.

He ends relationship very out of the blue after a summer holiday abroad, which was very fun.

I thought he may be confused with life as he lost a family member three years ago and needed time. I blamed myself for stressing out withj my own issues.

 

Yesterday 3 and a half months after BU I find out that he has been in a new realtionship since we broke up with a girl I dislike (due to her making a pass on him during the firsy two months of our relationship) .

 

It hurts you that he is with someone who isn't you. You feel like you've both been through so much and you're in disbelief that he could just give it all up, and so quickly. You feel hurt, abandoned, unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. You wanted him to feel sad because then you would feel like you were worthy and important after all. But since he got into a relationship soon after your own relationship ended, you feel like he didn't truly care or love you.

 

You care about his approval. You want him to validate you. You want him to be with you so that you can feel good about yourself. You want him to show you that what you two had really meant something to him. That you're important to him.

 

You feel replaced. Can we explore why you feel that way?

 

What is it about him that makes you fear being replaced? Is there an underlying fear that he has triggered?

 

Here are some suggestions:

"I'm afraid of being unworthy."

"I'm afraid of not being (good) enough."

"I'm afraid of not being loved."

"I'm afraid of being abandoned."

 

Do any of those fears resonate with your core pain? If so, to what extent do you think his absence has triggered that/those fear(s)? Might it be that those fears were triggered that you're feeling this way, rather than because it was him who happened to be the one who triggered the fear?

 

Take some time to reflect on this.

[sooshi]

Sweetescape910,

 

You care about this guy's approval. You want him to like you and to validate you. You want to have a positive relationship with him, particularly of the romantic kind.

 

It sounds like he wants you to cater to his beliefs and do as he wants (wants to convince you that God isn't real, that it's not okay for you to "like" certain pictures). It also sounds like he's not taking responsibility for his words and actions, and deflects his part of the responsibility on you (therefore putting it all on you). He is fully responsible for how he feels, what he does and what he says, and if he says that someone has worn him out, it is because he chose that path. Since he does not appear to be honest with himself (by taking responsibility), then he is unable to be honest with anyone else.

 

I understand that you want him to reconnect with you, to love you, to be with you. You want him to miss you. I do not know whether having no contact will make him miss you, but I do know that wanting him to miss you through no contact is a way of trying to change him (just as he has been trying to change you in his own ways).

 

As adults, we cannot control what someone else feels, does, thinks, or says. It's not our responsibility. And when we allow someone else to control what we think, feel, do, or say, we're allowing someone else to control us. Sometimes it's really subtle, and we don't mean to do it. We haven't yet learned to take complete responsibility by relying on ourselves to meet our core needs of love and care and nurturing.

 

Would you be willing to repeat this mantra?:

"I'm doing no contact for me and only me. I'm doing it to heal because I love myself."

 

Keep repeating it. You may not believe in it at first, especially since you've expressed an interest in reconciliation. But keep saying it and see how it transforms your pain into something more healing, productive, nurturing, and self-loving.

[William]

Since we received a report on an apparent solicitation, moderation took a look and decided to retain the content and merge it into an appropriate thread from the thread starter and direct members to continue to discuss the pain of breakups relevant to the original topic.

 

LoveShack isn't a place to practice therapy techniques on members nor to hold oneself out as a professional in the areas of interpersonal relationships; it's an interpersonal relationship discussion site for peer-peer interaction. Members are welcomed to continue discussion in that vein. Thanks!

[evanescentworld]

Hi everyone,

 

I didn't think I'd be coming back here to post about my own stuff, but here I am.

 

Last night, I learned that my ex-fiance is in a relationship. For probably a couple of months. I'm happy for him, but sad for me. Sad that years of friendship is now history. Sad that he's doing so well, renewed and liberated, and that I'm not a part of his life.

 

I'm working on taking care of myself in the meantime to cope with this transition.

 

Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

 

Thank you for reading.

Transforming such emotion into something constructive is the best form of encouragement I can offer. That you feel sorry for yourself is potentially self-destructive, and as much of what psychotherapy teaches can find its original roots in Buddhism (among other Mind-orientated traditions), I would recommend that perhaps you seek to cultivate instead Mudita - Sympathetic Joy (one of the 4 'Divine States').

A genuine stronghold of positive emotions which seeks to encourage and congratulate others in their achievements, no matter in what state our own lives are.

One discards the negative sadness we feel for ourselves, and instead it is transformed into genuine happiness for others, with no resentment, envy or indeed, self-pity.

 

May I hastily add that I am not proselytising; you may of course, select this input and contribution as useful or use-less as you see fit. I merely offer it by way of possible support....

 

With gratitude to William also, for permitting the content to remain. A very considerate decision, for which I am glad.....

[sooshi]

William,

 

I apologize! I speak this way when interacting with anyone nowadays, but I can see how it's viewed as a solicitation, and I apologize for the misunderstanding. I only mentioned it was a form of "practice" because I know some people seek people who are really willing to listen and respond with care. I apologize for violating the site's mission.

[Sweetescape910]

Sweetescape910,

 

You care about this guy's approval. You want him to like you and to validate you. You want to have a positive relationship with him, particularly of the romantic kind.

 

It sounds like he wants you to cater to his beliefs and do as he wants (wants to convince you that God isn't real, that it's not okay for you to "like" certain pictures). It also sounds like he's not taking responsibility for his words and actions, and deflects his part of the responsibility on you (therefore putting it all on you). He is fully responsible for how he feels, what he does and what he says, and if he says that someone has worn him out, it is because he chose that path. Since he does not appear to be honest with himself (by taking responsibility), then he is unable to be honest with anyone else.

 

I understand that you want him to reconnect with you, to love you, to be with you. You want him to miss you. I do not know whether having no contact will make him miss you, but I do know that wanting him to miss you through no contact is a way of trying to change him (just as he has been trying to change you in his own ways).

 

As adults, we cannot control what someone else feels, does, thinks, or says. It's not our responsibility. And when we allow someone else to control what we think, feel, do, or say, we're allowing someone else to control us. Sometimes it's really subtle, and we don't mean to do it. We haven't yet learned to take complete responsibility by relying on ourselves to meet our core needs of love and care and nurturing.

 

Would you be willing to repeat this mantra?:

"I'm doing no contact for me and only me. I'm doing it to heal because I love myself."

 

Keep repeating it. You may not believe in it at first, especially since you've expressed an interest in reconciliation. But keep saying it and see how it transforms your pain into something more healing, productive, nurturing, and self-loving.

 

Hi, I'm back again. Your advice really helped me. It helped me heal and focus on myself more. I don't know why, but since I haven't answered his last text of the Facebook image of god, I'm mad he hasn't tried again. I'm upset he hasn't talked to me, or even tried harder to get in contact. sooshu, when he broke it off with me, he said he could be with me in the future with the right mind. Then, he treats me like this. Why am I hanging onto the hope that I hope he comes back? I'm still trying to figure out if he still means what he says to this day, but I highly doubt it since he seems to be living his life. It's not like I can text him and ask. He never made me feel comfortable enough to ask. He never really treated me like a friend after the "break up". So here I am, in no contact, wondering when he'll next talk to me again. And I know that's not healthy at all. Because i know if he did care, he wouldn't have ended it. I just don't get it...why am I still obsessing over someone I never really had? I'm an amazing down to earth sweet funny girl and it makes me mad how he didn't see this in me, and nothing pursued him to stay... I wanna feel like I meant something. And since I ignored his last text last week, I gave him the sign I don't want to be involved. I know that's a good thing because he was playing me but idk.. I still stalk him on social media and I still read and cling into the texts we had. I cant let them go or unfollow him. It makes me feel "closer" I guess

[Sweetescape910]

Then, I also see he's seeing that girl he's worn out from (the girl he's been having sex with) this Saturday at a bar/club. It hurts me knowing he's involved with other girls, when he once wanted a relationship with me. He couldn't handle a relationship, so I doubt he's seeing her seriously. But it still hurts

[swimmergal]

Hello,

This is so not usually me but I would like some advice. I dated my ex for a year and a half. The first part of our relationship we couldn't get enough of each other. We were together everyday, he couldn't even go home to his family without me. He then moved to Germany for an internship for 8 months and I faithfully waited. We talked and skyped everyday making it work. I went to visit him for three weeks and we planned a wonderful European vacation together. When he came back, I rushed to him at the airport and he seemed different. Over the next month he talked about the pressures of school and work and began distancing himself and not communicating. I panicked and tried (too hard) to make him feel comfortable. He broke up with me by coming to my house saying "I don't look forward to seeing you" and walking away. I didn't contact him, I deleted his number and removed him from all social media. He called me a week after our break up and I answered not knowing it was him. He cried and was just asking me how I was doing. Two weeks after that at 4 am he sent me 9 page email about how I pressured him too much and it wasn't goodbye but he wasn't asking me back right now either. I responded wishing him good luck in finding himself. It's been two weeks and I am trying to move on, but I feel he will be back. I loved him but he hurt me badly and I feel with communication we could work it out. I also feel based on his pattern he will communicate with me again but the waiting is the hardest part, am I crazy for not being able to let go? I feel so hurt and betrayed. It took him a month to even tell me why.