My No Contact Diary [update]

[lemonsugar]

Tonight is difficult, Friday night. I was supposed to go to a party but decided not to because it's a trek and my girl friend is coming over early tomorrow so we can leave for our road trip.

I'm home doing laundry and trying to muster up energy to clean-up my place and pack. Having ruminating thoughts wondering what he's doing, and cyber-stalked him a bit. I really need to not do that it just makes me feel worse, and eventually I am going to see something I do not want to, like him being active on a dating site.

Then I remembered the entire time I've known him we never hung out on Friday because he was always working, so I hope that's what he's busy doing tonight. My imagination often gets the best of me, and I'm imagining him out on a date with a hot girl having a fun time while being his charming self, or even out with his friends having fun. I want him to be sad and lonely. It's much nicer to imagine him at his desk working in isolation. Ideally I would not imagine him at all.

If I was out at the party tonight I doubt I would be thinking about this very much. Need to strategize ways to keep busy on weekends moving forward, even if it means going out and dancing to less than ideal music.

 

Stalking him is not NC you need to not do that everytime you do it puts you back. Honestly i dont think i would take him back i cant say definitely. As there no no definates in life. The two missed calls together by 2 minutes may have been him but hopefully its PPI

[metaversus]

Most would probably say it's not no contact because I have continued cyber-stalking him like crazy this week. I have a voyeuristic addiction to wanting to know the details, like what was the relationship like between him and his ex? Let me sneak a look at his Facebook when he's not in the room and read about it. No wonder he broke up with me.

My cyber-stalking abilities are limited with my ex at this point. I unfriended him on Facebook and am so glad I did because had I not, I would be monitoring his activity on messenger day and night. I can see detailed activity for him on his gaming site though, which actually tells me a lot about his routine. Game Developers play a lot of video games. He's kept up an old profile up on a dating site but he never logged on. Well he did once and that caused me to freak out on him. He hasn't logged on in several months though. I created a fake Tinder profile to see if he's been on there. He hasn't popped up. I can also see music he's listened to recently.

My therapist calls it an Impulse Control Disorder. I know my cyber-stalking and snooping is crazy and wrong but I do it anyway.

It's amazing how little support there is on the internet about this kind of addiction. Everyone just passes us off as bat **** crazy, gives 'tough love' (the worst), or is just plain mean, but what we really need is love and support. Not support with what we're doing. What we're doing is not ok, but it's nice to know there are others with this problem and we're not alone.

So I found this: Love Addicts Anonymous

I completely fit the profile of a Love Addict (might as well face it;). I am going to attend one of these meetings and if I feel it has potential (hopefully not too much god talk) I will keep going.

So yeah, I've spent many hours of my days/nights this week cyber-stalking him. I've found so much enlightening information about his past and probably know more about him than most people do at this point.

Incredulously though I've had a better week. I haven't made any direct contact. I'm becoming more functional in general. The physical symptoms are gone (I've gotten my appetite back). I also received good news from my boss informing me I'll still have a job for awhile, so I feel like a weight lifted and I have incentive to turn over a new leaf. I have a great job and have been completely blowing it because I've been been messed up over this guy.

I've connected with a seemingly wonderful guy online. We are meeting-up for our first date tomorrow. Brunch and a walk in the park. I hope we like each other. I'm desperate for love and at the same time extremely picky. Of course I have already cyber-stalked my date in a big way. The funny thing is I think he might have also cyber-stalked me based on something he texted me. We may be a perfect match lol. I have a few other dates lined up, but none I'm as excited about.

I miss my ex, terribly. I miss his soul and his presence in my life. I miss his scent, his smile, the way his lips feel. I miss his eccentricity. I miss his ideas and his depth. I miss laughing with him. I miss curling up next to him, sleeping with him, and the way he ****s me. No one ****s like he does. I miss his energy. I want him in my life in some capacity and hope he contacts me again someday. Before we went nc (my suggestion), I told him any further communication would need to come from him.

I went to a tech event tonight and as much as I love these events I think I need to stop going to specific types for awhile because everything at these things reminds me of him. Also these charasmatic guys tech guys. . . .all super excited to demo their geek creations to groups of people. I find them all so attractive, because they remind me of him. Intelligent and full of powerful ideas. He's so passionate about his work. He's so passionate about everything he loves.

The worst realization is that he probably never really cared much about me. He doesn't get out much these days, was likely lonely and mostly using me for sex. He encouraged me to see other guys while we were together (never a good sign). I met one poly guy who fell hard for me quickly but I wasn't into him and when I broke it off was relieved when he went away. I barely think about him. I think this is likely the way my ex feels about me. It sucks.

During our breakup talk, he told me he loved me for the first time. He said he wanted me in his life. He kept saying this all the way until the end, but his actions never backed his words.

Even if we don't have a future as lovers. it would be so awesome if he genuinely wanted to be a part of my life.

Think about being friends with a rockstar. This is how I feel about him. He is my rockstar.

I am certain he is not going to contact me during this 30 day period. I'm sure he thought about me a lot the first week, but he's probably over it now. He was never invested in the relationship so I'm sure it won't take him much time to get over it, much like the guy I was seeing but wasn't into.

I worry I will never hear from him again and this thought is agonizing. I told him some incriminating things and he may understand the full extent of my craziness now. No guy would willingly come back to a cyber-stalker.

All I can do is continue to move forward and work on myself and my (serious) issues, which is what I am starting to do.

Tonight has been difficult. I really hope tomorrow goes well.

Edited November 22, 2014 by metaversus

[metaversus]

I miss you so much. It hurts so bad. :_(

[metaversus]

I'm feeling really stuck and helpless. I want to help myself but I'm ridden with fear and anxiety. I don't know where to start.

I'm realizing my depression has less to do with my ex than it does with me. I wish I could live his type of lifestyle, but at this point it would be impossible for me to develop the skills needed to manifest this type of life. I've made my bed, now I must lie in it.

I'm unhappy with my life (even though I have a pretty good life), but I feel helpless to change it.

I have a good job and make good money, but it's not exciting. That's what people in this area want to surround themselves with. I'm living in the epicenter of the tech bubble. While I love tech, I don't actually do anything with it, so the ambitious, driven people who are perpetuating the future of technology intimidate me, because I wish I could be like them, but I can't. I think I need to distance myself from this scene for awhile.

It will get better once my friend opens his new studio. Then I can start practicing my art again and lose myself in that for awhile.

I have nothing to lose myself in right now. I really should start playing video games.

I suppose cleaning my place would be a good start. . . .

I've been in this state of lethargic lazy depression. It's difficult to motivate myself to do anything.

I know this too shall pass and I can't wait for the day I wake up and feel ready to live again.

Thoughts of suicide enter my brain, but not seriously. I think life is beautiful and I don't want to die.

But I'm not getting any younger, and I feel like I've wasted a lot of my best years.

The good news is that I went out with a younger guy yesterday (5 years) and realized how young he seems. I like maturity.

But society is a bitch. It seems like any man I consider physically attractive knows he's attractive and wants a younger or more successful woman. Therefore I either need to settle for a less attractive man or be alone. I'd rather be alone than wake up next to a man I don't have physical desire for.

I love that feeling of hunger for a person. It's also my worst enemy.

My ex and I shared a connection with music I've never shared with anyone, and music is the most important thing in my life (besides my cat). We've both had very similar musical journeys, which is extremely rare. He makes music, and I believe he was hoping I would be more established than I am in my production. He was let down when I didn't live up to his fantasies about being a rockstar artist.

I made so much progress while we were together. I was so driven and was actually living my dream. Now I'm completely blocked creatively. It hurts to even open up my production software.

I have a vicious life habit of starting things and not finishing them. I feel like a work in progress, but love is my biggest inspiration. It's the hardest thing for me the find and hold onto.

I live life with a constant feeling of loneliness and desire for empathy. He really got me, and I haven't met many people in my life who get me.

He's gone and he's never coming back. I keep reading about dumpers who are relieved when the relationship ends. I am pretty certain that's how he's feeling now. He's probably not even thinking about me.

And yet I spend most of my time thinking about him, even in my sleep.

I'm not sure where to go or what to do next.

[metaversus]

I have been thinking about doing something spontaneous, like getting on a plane to London. I'm not sure this would solve anything though. I'd probably just end up being depressed and lonely in London. Probably best to wait until I'm in a better state to actually enjoy myself.

I can feel my body fighting against itself. My physiological state wants to 'get on with it; (meaning life), but my brain will not comply. It's most happy right now in this cyclical cycle of rumination. Not sure if this makes sense, but even more reason I think I'll feel 'more ok' once day 30 approaches.

I'm under no delusion. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen him and 11 days since we've had contact. I told him I wanted 30 days of nc and he was way too easy to agree. He was probably relieved and happy to be rid of me and my emoness.

If he hasn't tried to make contact by now, he's probably never going to, and if he ever does, it's only going to be to see how I'm doing with no intention of wanting to see me. Who knows what he did this weekend. He wasn't playing video games like last weekend. He could have spent it making love all night with a new woman of his desire. He's got a high sex drive so I can't imagine him going more than a few weeks without it.

Men don't seem to like it when women put them on a pedestal. It seems like they instead like putting the woman on a pedestal. I always end up putting the man I fall in love with on a pedestal. As a result I feel insecure and am unable to completely relax around him. Before I got attached to my ex (it took about 3 weeks) I was completely relaxed and confident. This was when he was most crazy about me. I remember the moment I got attached. We had stayed up all night in bed making love, talking and holding each other. When he left in the morning I thought to myself wow, that was intense. Probably not so unusual for him, but it had been a long time since I experienced anything like that.

If only his heart could have been open to possibilities with me, we could have kept this connection alive, even if we weren't in a committed relationship and got involved with other people down the road. I at least could have felt solid in being his friend with the possibility of our connection growing over time in some form. He was so quick to shut down any possibility for us in the future, yet he said he wanted to remain close friends (with benefits). So where does that leave us? Our friendship will be completely void of emotional intimacy, which is where we connect on the deepest level. Even after these 30 days of nc, how am I ever to enjoy experiencing intimacy with him again when I know it doesn't mean anything?

And as I write this, I realize I am doing this exact thing with my ex². I was once in the same boat with my ex², and now we enjoy each other without the desire of wanting to be in a relationship. It took me 1 1/2 years to get to this place with him. Maybe I can get to that place with my current ex too. I want him in my life, even if it's not as my future husband. The difference is that my ex² demonstrated that he wants me in his life. He always kept in touch with me. My current ex's silence is proving that he never did actually care. I need him to show me he cares me about me if we're ever going to be in eachother's lives in some form.

Maybe his way of caring about me is to let me go, because he knows he can't give me what I need. This makes me so sad.

Why do the men I fall in love with end up seeing me as good for nothing more than a sex vessel, especially when I am the most deeply emotional person I know? I'm super easy-going and laid back. I don't always feel the need to talk. I like cohabitating, sharing space and just enjoying a person's energy. If a conversation topic comes up, great. If not, also great. Let's just do our thing.. Why do men always feel the need to talk, and generally talk about anything but emotions. Maybe the lack initiating intellectually stimulating conversations make men think I'm stupid and good for nothing more than sex? I can hold my own with intellectual conversations, but I normally cannot start quoting facts from things I've read or seen.

I am hoping in time I can reflect and better understand the reasons why my ex and I wouldn't work. I had a fwb in the past who in the beginning told me he didn't see me as relationship material, but same thing he wanted to be friends and hook up. I did this with him and it was fun until the physical part got stale for me. It's not as fulfilling without the love and over time I wasn't feeling it anymore. So I cut off the physical part of our relationship and he was disappointed but it was fine and we're still friends. In the beginning when I asked him why he didn't see me as relationship material, he said it's just a feeling he has when he meets a woman. My ex said pretty much the same thing to me, and I find this to be utterly confusing, because my reason for not wanting to be physical with a man is usually because I am not attracted to them. That's why my guy friends are just friends. I don't want to hook up with them. Otherwise I probably would have been married already several times over. Men are different. They'll want to hook up with their girl friends but not want to be in a relationship with them, while wanting to find a relationship with another woman. What am I lacking? What are these men feeling or not feeling about me which makes them not see me as girlfriend material?

So even more disappointing than my ex not wanting me, is that he doesn't want me to be in his life even though he said he did. When someone

wants you in their life, they will show you they do. Actions speak louder than words, always.

I went on a fun date with a cute guy yesterday. We're supposed to go out again tonight. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I don't really want to go out but I know I should. I know he's going to try to hook up with me and then I'm going to have to have the whole conversation about taking things slow, blah blah blah. The last thing I am looking for right now is sex. Sex is easy to find. A boyfriend is not.

I can't wait until my ex becomes just a distant memory in my past. It's weird when I try to remember the hurt I felt for my other exes and can't, yet the hurt was so much worse than this breakup. My first love took me almost 10 years to get over.

[metaversus]

Had a craptastic day followed by an excellent night. Feeling better than I have in awhile. Tbc. . .

[metaversus]

Life can be so ironic.

I've met a seemingly wonderful guy. We've hung out every night this week since Sunday. We had dinner on Sunday, went to a club on Monday and a concert on Tuesday. He's insisted on paying for everything (I've offered). He picked me up both nights, drove into the city, and has been super respectful about 'making moves'. I'm not used to such chivalrous treatment from men, they're usually just after sex. We hugged at the end of our first date, kissed goodnight on Monday, and again tonight (a bit longer though no tongue slippage either time;). We got close during the concert and it felt natural. I was worried he'd be like all the other guys and would've tried to get in my pants by now but he hasn't. He's hot, tall, highly intelligent, works in tech, loves the same kinds of music I do (which is super rare), and is down to earth and cool. He's even my perfect astrological match.

He asked me to hang out again on Wednesday (which would be the fourth night in a row). I told him I couldn't, because I am worried he will want to get physical. I'm totally not ready for that yet, and also four days in a row when I've only known him four days seems excessive, even for me. He asked "Are you sick of me already?" Mann, this guy is acting exactly like me with my ex! I would have moved in with him if I could.

So this new guy. I think he's cool but I am not feeling a strong connection with him yet. This is most certainly due to me being emotionally unavailable right now and us being so new to each other. I feel emotionally numb around him. I am also still missing my ex.

I felt a stronger connection with my ex in the beginning. I got emotionally attached to him the third week but hopped in the sack with him on date 3. I was also a lot more sexually frustrated then. I remember not actually being 100% physically attracted to my ex the beginning. He has bad breath! Interesting how after I fall in love with someone I don't even mind their bad breath . . .

So this new guy. He's Russian and speaks fluent English but I often have to repeat or further explain myself for him to understand what I'm talking about, so that's kind of frustrating. He also doesn't get a lot of cultural references because he didn't grow up in the US (he didn't know who the Talking Heads were). I also question how deep his soul is. I need deep for the long-term, but not for right now.

I always do this with guys. I try to find everything I can wrong about him for the first while, and at some point I give in, decide he meets my requirements and give myself the green light internally.

Last night I had an amazing time at the club. I haven't had that much fun at a club since my scene days. I feel like I've found my new weekly haunt, and when I got home it was the first time in awhile I did not feel compelled to cyber-stalk my ex. I even managed to do some much needed work.

Unfortunately this jovial feeling did not last. I slept too late, dreamed about my ex, pretty much wasted the day and cyber-stalked my ex this afternoon. He appears to be keeping busy with his hobbies and does not seem to be pursuing other women yet, though he could have started seeing someone I haven't been able to find out about. It's going on day 13 of nc and he hasn't reached out at all, not a peep. Not a good sign. If he missed me he surely he would have reached out by now. I'm wishing now I had not specifically requested 30 days of no contact and instead said I wanted nc for 'awhile'. It's detrimental to my progress because I am holding onto a glimmer of hope he will contact me soon after the 30 days. It would be nice to feel like he genuinely wants me in his life in some way. It will be a set back for my healing progress if I don't hear from him a week or two after the 30 days.

I'm pretty sure he's set to travel out of the country with work next week, and he's likely excitedly gearing up for that. That plus his hobbies are probably keeping him consumed. These activities are also probably helping him get over me, if he even ever had anything to get over . . I'm not sure whether he did. I think any sadness he may have felt for the first few days afterwards had more to do with guilt about hurting me and also not being able to keep me in his life. I think he's decided to completely let me go from his life, because he doesn't see a place for me to fit into it.

Either that or he never really got attached, i.e; cared and has already moved on. I keep thinking back to the guy I dated briefly while I was with my ex who I wasn't into. My ex encouraged me to date other guys because he didn't believe his time was enough for me. Anyway, this guy never enters my mind except as a reference when I'm writing here.

Before my ex and I had the final bu talk he had been trying to emotionally disconnect himself from me for awhile, but I kept chasing him with my long emo texts and fb messages.

I think he genuinely did not want to hurt me, so he kept the relationship going as long as he could due to my appeals, and finally decided enough was enough.

But the last time we saw each other, he said he wanted a 'partial relationship' with me. He kept saying he wanted me in his life. This was downgraded a week later to him saying (through text) he wanted us to stay friends and be close (meaning hook-up).

How genuine is he about this? I guess I'll find out in time. I am not feeling optimistic. I think he's happier without me, my incessant texts, and all my emotional drama in his life.

So not sure what to do about this new guy. It might be a blessing in disguise that I am emotionally unavailable right now. Men seem to stay interested in a woman does not get attached. Maybe this will actually work out for the best. I just worry because I have absolutely no sex drive right now, and I'm not sure I'll feel ready to become intimately involved with him or anyone anytime soon. There is only so long a man will wait before he gives up and thinks the woman simply isn't interested.

I am probably worrying too much. I should just go with the flow and see what happens.

I gave a talk at a tech event a few weeks ago. At the end of it I said "Oh yeah, and I'm single", which roused a big laugh out of everyone. Afterwards I sat down next to a guy who said "hey, I'm single too!" We talked about his project and exchanged business cards. He contacted me a few days ago and we are going out this weekend.

I wish I could talk to women who had relationships with famous or powerful men and got their hearts broken. I would want to find out how they got over them. My ex is a leader at a company inventing the future of technology. He's the next Steve f'n jobs, and some day I am going to have to read about him in Forbes.

Edited November 26, 2014 by metaversus

[metaversus]

Oh mann where to start. I'm glad no one comments on my posts because if they did I'm sure I'd receive all kinds of nastygrams and electronic smackdowns for what I'm about to write.

So I'd been dating new guy since Sunday. We went out Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. He wanted to hang out on Wednesday but I needed a breather to process and ended up going out with some friends.

I'd been having fun with new guy and enjoying his company, but after date 3 I began wondering if I wasn't feeling a connection to him because I am emotionally unavailable right now, or if something else was amiss. He seems mechanical and cold to me, his English is not very good (even though he thinks it is), and he doesn't get references to anything I mention because of the cultural difference. He has only been living in the US for 3 years.

In my mind I was also growing anxious because I knew he would probably want to get physical soon, and I'm not feeling ready for that. Again I wasn't sure about my feelings or lackthereof, so I decided to go out with him again.

I was supposed to have Thanksgiving with a friend, but he decided he would rather stay home and play video games. I wasn't interested in sitting around watching him play video games, so I asked the new guy if he wanted to go out and he was available. He's not from the US so his family is not here.

Since it was my idea I reserved Thanksgiving dinner for us at a nice restaurant. On Thanksgiving (yesterday) I woke up feeling really bad, worse than I had in over a week. I held hope my ex would contact me to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving even though I had told him I wanted 30 days of nc. As the day progressed and I didn't hear anything I started feeling depressed. I should have cancelled dinner with new guy but I figured my mood would shift once I got out of my place.

So new guy picked me up in the evening and we went for a walk before dinner. During the walk I mentioned how in our area there is a great movement involving women and men to empower women in tech. He found it difficult to believe men could be 'feminist' and said he thought his reason for the movement was so corporations could pay women less. I was pretty appalled by his reply (even if there is some truth to it) and his commentary went on to further indicate he believes women are inferior to men. This could be a cultural thing, but still a big conflict of interest for me. I became sad and started thinking about/missing my ex because he is a feminist and part of this movement. I was probably acting a bit distant from new guy, but I was doing my best to be friendly and keep up the conversation. When we sat down for dinner he asked me what filet mignon is and pronounced it incorrectly. I was amused while at the same time mortified. I explained it to him as the haughty taughty older couple next to us listened. When the filet mignon came it was standard medium-rare, and new guy didn't know what to make of it because he likes his meat well done. I explained the reason filet mignon is cooked medium-rare, and he grudgingly ate it. Dinner conversation was awkward. Somehow the topic of grunge rock came up and he didn't know any of the bands (with exception of Nirvana). I made a reference to the show Seinfeld and he had never heard of that either. During our conversation I realized we are complete opposites in terms of our lifestyle. His is very rigid and structured. Mine is very free. It was obvious to me at this point we are not compatible, and I knew this would be our last date. I was happy that prior to dinner I had insisted on going dutch since it was pricey and I wasn't sure I was into him.

I had ordered wine pairings with the meal, and by the end I was feeling a bit buzzy. I don't drink often but when I do I'm usually a happy drunk. In this case the alcohol acted like the depressant it is. I opened up to new guy and told him I was still dealing with my break-up. I told him that no matter what happened between us I wanted us to be able to continue going out and having fun. He didn't seem too pleased or comfortable talking about this.

In the car ride home he asked me what that statement meant, and I told him I wasn't ready to be physical with anyone right now. He sighed with disappointment and dropped me off.

When I got home I cried because it was getting late and my ex had not contacted me. Plus dinner was a disaster and I had booze in my system. I broke down and texted him "Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you're doing well." Yesterday was day 14 of nc. Today would have been the halfway point. He replied a few hours later with "Happy Thanksgiving to you too!" About an hour later I texted him again with "I love you unconditionally, and I'll forever want to **** you." I didn't expect him to ever reply. I ended the night texting with a newnew guy I'm going out with on Sunday (see above post about this guy). Turns out we have a lot of common and he's hella cool.

This morning my ex texted with "I love you and I want to **** you too.:)" I was elated for about 5 minutes, and then realized this is a breadcrumb. He did not attempt to further communicate or initiate plans. Who knows if he ever will. I think he's visiting his family for Thanksgiving but I'm not sure. This afternoon I texted him an fyi about a concert on Tuesday for a band I know he loves. He has not replied.

So where does that leave me? Well, I'm feeling a lot better than I was yesterday. At least there is a possibility of seeing him again in the (hopefully) near future. I think he is going to Germany next week for work, and I want to give it some time to see if he contacts me now. I just got a taste of my own medicine from new guy being clingy so I don't want to come across as desperate. I've decided to wait a few more weeks and if I don't hear from him, try to initiate plans.

Why you ask. My ex has made it clear he does not see a future with me, and is not putting in any effort to include me in his life. It's true. My ex will never be my partner. The most I can hope for is a fwb situation, but I do hope for a close fwb situation. My ex is going to change the world and I would like to be one of his close confidants. This is what he indicated he wanted with me. I do love this man unconditionally. I've never met anyone like him and know I never will, so even if he's not my future partner I want him in my life in any way he's willing to be in it.

It worked out with my ex² who I was even more obsessed with for a longer period of time, so I'm sort of a seasoned pro in turning an ex into a fwb without the emotional attachment. It takes time. Took me 1 1/2 years to get to this great place with my ex². I know too much about him now to ever want to be his girlfriend again. Whether or not I can get to this place with my ex remains to be seen.

So I'm sure this story is tbc. In the meantime I do intend to keep on dating. I am excited about my date with newnew guy on Sunday. We are going to see the new Hunger Games movie and then going out afterwards.

As for new guy. I chatted with him today via FB. He's rightfully hurt, upset and angry, but I was honest with him, and told him as soon as I realized it was not going to work instead of leading him on. We had not even known each other a week or gotten intimate, and we had a lot of fun going out so I don't feel too guilty.

[broken77]

I think a big part of NC is not cyber stalking.. It makes things much more difficult, and it's like day 1 again every time you do it. I know it's so hard tho

[smackie9]

You are deteriorated as person, you have never been whole. You focus so hard on having what you can't have, and keep doing it, leaving yourself lonely and hurt. Working on someone for a year and half just to get FWB is kind of pathetic and you definitely need help because you don't see how unhealthy that is....this is the reason why you are not married with the love of your life...you keep living in the past and refuse to move on with your life. Dating others, being emotionally unavailable is not moving on, you are being stagnant, you are ripping yourself off.

[metaversus]

Yesterday I texted my ex asking: "Will this desire for each other have a manifestation, or it coexist in our imaginations?"

No reply, so I texted again a few hours later telling him I finished and loved a book he had really wanted me to read. A book which has been a major influence to his life.

I also said I'm feeling much less emo these days (lie), and there's a few new developments in my life that are making me happy (lie) and I'd love to see him soon (truth).

His reply: "Good :)"

Me: "I hate when you respond with one word answers. Would you be interested in getting together? I know you're seeing this but choosing not to respond. It suggests you are playing games ."

Him: "Literally I'm playing a live game actually. What's new in your life?"

I texted him a bunch of bs about awesome my life is. I said "I'd love to talk more in person. Is that opportunity going to be available anytime in the near future?"

Him: "I'd like to see you soon too. I'm pretty busy and traveling with work next week but some time this week."

Me: "I assume that means you're not available tonight?"

Him: "Yeah I"m busy tonight sorry ;)"

Me: "Have you been seeing anyone else?"

Him: "Not in a relationship. Had a foursome though!"

Me: "Um, wow!"

Him: "Yeah it was pretty awesome. Hung out with a dominatrix friend and she invited her friends over."

Me: "That's pretty hot. You have to tell me details when I see you."

Him: "I will :)"

Me: You should also consider meeting me at X show on Tuesday night. We can go back to your place after."

Him: "That would be awesome. I'll see if I can do that."

Me: Yay! I'll follow-up and bug you about it in a few days."

Him: *Kiss

 

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see how messed up this conversation is. I spent most of last night wondering if he was out on a date (or with the dominatrix) while I sat home alone. This morning I checked an online dating site and saw he had logged on for the first time in 3 months. Interesting he would do this now, right after we made plans to get together.

I texted him this morning with "Hey it's true I love you unconditionally and I'll forever want to f*** you. Seeing you isn't just sex for me while for you it's just friendly sex with no attachment. You've stated clearly you do not want and will never want a relationship with me. I want you so bad, but I'm afraid of hurting myself more. I don't mean to be a drama queen. I want things to be good with us."

No reply.

So I guess that's that. Back to Day 1.

[metaversus]

Continued from my last post. He responded the same afternoon to my text with: "It's possible to appreciate someone without possessing them. If all the days were holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work."

Me: "I know you hate doing this over text. I really want to see you and be close with you. Let's keep original plan to hang out this week and we can talk more then, cool?"

Him: "Cool:)"

Over the next few hours we had an ongoing text convo about music and tech stuff, nothing heavy. He was more responsive to me then he had been in a long time. At the end of our conversation I said "I hope you will come out to the show on Tuesday! It will be fun to share that experience with you. I know you're busy, but I also know you make time for things you care about, like dominatrix friends, birthday parties and video games. I hope you'll make time for me too."

Him: "Sometimes I care so hard that I deplete the battery and have to plug it in while I do stuff ."

Me: "Haha ok I'm just trying to guilt you into coming on Tuesday;). I feel like our friendship is secret and confined to your safe bedroom ."

Him: "I want to come :)"

Me: "Awesome!"

So fast forward to Tuesday. I decided I didn't want to talk about anything heavy that night and just enjoy him, so I texted to tell him that. He texted on his way into the city asking if I'd like to get dinner. I said sure, and since there wasn't much time we ended up meeting at the lounge next door to the venue to grab a quick bite. I was a bit late to arrive, and was feeling incredibly nervous and anxious since I hadn't seen him in almost a month. I gave him a hug when I saw him and he said it was good to see me. We instantly fell into natural conversation, I felt at ease and my mind cleared into the present.

We conversed for awhile and then went next door to the show. I was feeling really comfortable at this point. Our chemistry is so natural and easy. The show started and we found a good spot. Soon after the show began he put his arms around me. As the show progressed we got closer and closer. We were attached to each other the entire show, hands interlocked, caressing each other, dancing and being close. He was super affectionate. It was really sensual and loving, as we always are with each other.

The show was amazing. I wish it could have lasted forever. I never wanted that moment to end.

On the way into the city I ran over a pvc pole with my car which was in the middle of the road and difficult to see due to rain. The pole got stuck to the bottom of my car and was dragging on the ground. When I parked and shut off the car I noticed a burning smell which of course had me worried.

After the show we walked to my car (which coincidentally was parked right in back of his car) and he assessed the damage. He pulled the pvc pipe out and determined the car was probably safe to drive that night, but I should still take it to a shop asap to have it looked at. We debated going back to my place or his, and decided on his place since I was worried about driving over a bridge and he had to leave the next afternoon on international business. Plus, I love his place. It's amazing.

Yes, there was an amazing sex/love making session, but mostly we stayed up all night and talked about all kinds of topics. He showed me a lot of stuff from his past. We shared music, links, information, cuddled a lot, fell asleep in each other's arms. He acts so loving towards me.

He didn't say much though in terms of emotional stuff. The only thing he said (repeatedly is) "It's good to see you".

We didn't get much sleep, but when I got up to head to work I asked him if I could see him again. He said yes and didn't hesitate. He said he probably wouldn't be able to communicate much as he would be traveling a lot with work and his schedule is insanely busy. I told him no worries, that I knew his schedule would be crazy and I didn't expect to hear from him for a few weeks. This seemed to make him happy and put him at ease. In the past I would have gotten angry at him when he didn't get in touch.

When I got home, I texted him this quote that has been on my mind: "If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up and it dies it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation. <3"

He responded a few hours later (before his flight) with "<3 :D"

The last time I saw him he told me he does not see a future with me, and he only wants a partial relationship with me. He told me he wants me to find a man who I feel like I can marry and have children with, and that man isn't going to be him.

A day or two after we reconnected he logged onto a dating site for the first time in 3 months. The day he was supposed to see me he logged in again. He hasn't logged in since we saw each other but it's only been a few days and he is busy with work travel.

Everything I read and everyone I talk to says that when a man tells you he does not see a future with you, he means it and that will never change. I believe in my heart the *only* reason he does not see a future with me is because I do not measure up in terms of education and ambition. He wants to be with a woman who is an activist and wants to make a difference in the world. I know that woman is not me.

So what to do now? I know I feel better with him in my life than I do without him. This time though I *must* keep dating. I must not invest my future in him and I must continue to live and develop myself and my life.

The reason I wanted so badly for him to meet me at the show, is because I believe these kinds of experiences together outside of the bedroom will help us grow closer.

And as I write this he just texted to tell me he made it to Berlin safe. a

And now another text saying "I really enjoyed seeing <band> with you <3."

I don't foresee this story ending well, but for now it feels so good, I just need to go with it.

[Chin Up]

Oh Jesus. I must be seeing this from a different perspective than you, but this is EXACTLY why I'm terrified of my ex contacting me. That looks like a road I so don't want to travel down.

 

I hope this turns out well for you...

[metaversus]

Oh Jesus. I must be seeing this from a different perspective than you, but this is EXACTLY why I'm terrified of my ex contacting me. That looks like a road I so don't want to travel down.

 

I hope this turns out well for you...

 

Did your ex say something similar to you Chin Up?

[Chin Up]

I'm just scared of getting sucked back in, and into god knows what.

 

This is just how I see it, but it looks to me like he's just blowing a lot of smoke up your rear-end. It seems like he's trying to dumb your expectations down so you settle with being a FB/FWB and as a result, you're offering yourself up as one.

...IS that what you want?

 

Tread lightly and go into this with eyes wide open. *fingers X'd*

Edited December 5, 2014 by Chin Up

[metaversus]

I'm just scared of getting sucked back in, and into god knows what.

 

This is just how I see it, but it looks to me like he's just blowing a lot of smoke up your rear-end. It seems like he's trying to dumb your expectations down so you settle with being a FB/FWB and as a result, you're offering yourself up as one.

...IS that what you want?

 

Tread lightly and go into this with eyes wide open. *fingers X'd*

 

Thank you.

 

Ideally? No. Ideally I want him to be as head over heels for me as I am for him.

 

Realistically? I know he's not my future husband. I know I alone cannot make him happy and and satisfy his needs. For him and for myself. I would always feel insecure, like I need to be more, do more, know more, etc.

 

But, I have known this man 4 1/2 months and he has impacted my life in so many positive ways. At the very least I will continue to develop and grow as a person with him in my life. He is my inspiration.

 

Since we've met I have been:

- Writing more music

- Learning how to code

- Exposed to and getting more involved with the tech scene

- Reading more.

- Becoming more socially conscious.

 

Love is what drives/motivates me, and unfortunately I don't have much love in my life. Not close with my family. Friends, but no one really close.

 

He definitely wants me as a fwb. I believe he is going to give me what he can of himself. He's not a bad person, and he cares about me. He just can't be what I wish he could be.

 

My main concern? That he is keeping me around until he finds the woman he will fall head over heels for. This is why I must keep dating. Maybe I could find someone first. That would be really helpful in this situation.

[Light Breeze]

Wow! Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Personally I don't think I can be just FWB with someone I'm in love with because when the time comes when she finds someone new and throws me away then I'm pretty sure I'll lose it. I agree with Chin up that you should tread lightly and I hope you know what you're entering into. Stay strong!

[metaversus]

This is exactly what happened. He found someone new with whom he is now in a committed, monogamous relationship. He is in love with her and giving her everything I wish he could have given me. And yes, I lost it. It has gotten really ugly, to the point that we are enemies now.

 

Wow! Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Personally I don't think I can be just FWB with someone I'm in love with because when the time comes when she finds someone new and throws me away then I'm pretty sure I'll lose it. I agree with Chin up that you should tread lightly and I hope you know what you're entering into. Stay strong!

[louxor]

This is exactly what happened. He found someone new with whom he is now in a committed, monogamous relationship. He is in love with her and giving her everything I wish he could have given me. And yes, I lost it. It has gotten really ugly, to the point that we are enemies now.

 

That right there is a prime example of why you always go with your gut feeling. You were hesitant because you didn't want something like this to happen, but you ignored what you were subconsciously telling yourself and now its come back to bite you, and sent you straight back to square 1.

I imagine if you had just bit the bullet and let go when you first separated then by now you would be in a much better place.

 

But take this as a lesson learned and make sure you trust your gut feelings more next time, because they are 9 times out of 10 going to be right.

[metaversus]

You were hesitant because you didn't want something like this to happen, but you ignored what you were subconsciously telling yourself and now its come back to bite you, and sent you straight back to square 1.

 

I ignored it because I was in love with him and still am, though I am doing my best to work through that now because there is no other option.

 

It was inconceivable to me that my best friend and lover would simply abandon me. Even when he found someone else I still thought he would continue to care about me as someone important to him. We had discussed that scenario many times and he promised he would.

 

It wasn't that he moved on it was how he did it. He used me up and spit me out.

 

My ex before him always reached out and showed that he cared, even through the hard times. That's why we're friends to this day. My current ex never cared about me at all even though he claimed to.

[Sunshine2016]

This is exactly what happened. He found someone new with whom he is now in a committed, monogamous relationship. He is in love with her and giving her everything I wish he could have given me. And yes, I lost it. It has gotten really ugly, to the point that we are enemies now.

 

Hi Metaversus, I started reading your thread when it popped up on the loveshack homepage. I'm so sorry to hear. I hope you are doing okay. I'm going through a situation myself and feeling really crappy about it. The difference is he's never loved anyone before and seems to have serious issues with commitment ( it's been a dominant trend for most of his life ).

 

 

I feel like i can get a lot of inspiration from your story. If it's not too difficult for you, would you be kind enough to please tell me about what's transpired over the last year? You said he met someone whom he's in love with and that you "lost it" and are now enemies? Did his attitude towards you change when he met her? How did you lose it and how did you become enemies?

 

 

Looking forward to reading your response. Thanks and big hugs xx