partner wants a break.. i'm scared ****less

[Seaned]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here.. just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully reply.

 

I'm going to start by saying that about 6 months I got out of an 11 year relationship that ended not as good as I would have liked, but not as bad as it could have...

 

I started dating a girl from work who's 8 years younger than I am..

Things in my previous relationship were bad for a while and I developed feelings for this new girl... We love one another....

 

Here are the issues... and please feel free to ask questions as Its very long and complicated and I might be leaving holes

 

So I'm dating the new girl... for about 3 months now..

She's 24.. never been in a serious relationship.. never been with a guy.. pretty much zero relationship experience... She's very independent and by her own omission she can be selfish

 

Things have been a little rocky because she's getting used to being in a relationship.. I'm coming down from a spot where I was in a pretty great relationship before but it ended because we outgrew one another.. but I had all of my emotional and physical needs met..... anyways

 

So i'm coming toning down my expectations from that.. she's learning to give more since she's been so independent for so long.. it was dodgy here and there but we made it work and we got through it all pretty easily

 

I love her to death... she's very special to me.. and she loves me

But she's had doubts about everything... she's not sure if I'm the one.. or if I'm right for her... yada yada

 

I'm a very emotional person...... it was bothering me to hear that... it was causing stress on the relationship so she told me that she was over it... I suspected she was lying to make me happy and she was..

 

She's getting used to the affection thing, getting used to being in a relationship and doing a pretty good job of it... She's not great at showing emotion infront of people but when we are alone, especially after sex she's so affectionate and loving.. its great

 

At first she didn't want to spend much time together.. maybe once or twice.. but it quickly became 4 or 5 times a week we'd spend the night together which was great.. maybe a little much for me if I'm honest with myself... but I love spending time with her and never regret it

 

she's in a place in her life right now where she's living with her folks (who are amazing) she's looking for a job in her field that will likely involve her moving away.. And for the best part... we work together... and she's not happy at work.. she feels she's standing still, she's bored.. not happy in general.. and its affecting our relationship she says..

 

So we are going for walk the other night talking about all that and I couldnt help myself and brought up that I knew she was not telling me the truth when she said she's not doubting us... long and short of it.. 2 days later (yesterday.. 24 hours ago almost) she calls it off

 

She said she needs some time to figure things out, she needs time to figure out if this relationship is what she wants, if i'm what she wants

 

I'm a bit of a control freak.. well no.. I like to know what is going on.. I don't like not knowing.. so i'm freaking out..

 

I thought maybe she was letting me down this way instead of just calling it off.. but she says she's not.. she's honest and blunt enough that if that was the case she's likely tell me...

 

So I'm not sure what to do here... My world is falling apart infront of me....

We work together so we are going to see one another... all the time..

She still wants to come over and watch Lost and stuff.... wants to go to the gym with me and stuff... but the romance is on the back burner I guess you could say...

 

This is something she said to me today "I love you and I like the idea of us. I don't know whether its what I'll really want though."

 

I dont know what to do here... What do you fine folks think?

I'm ****ting my pants here because I love this girl so so much, I think we are good together..

 

I said this to her earlier today and she said she didnt know.. but I think this is the core of the issue

 

---"you have your own way... you needed to bend a bit and you did..

The only thing I can think of is you let the fear of the unknown... tie our hands basically

Your new to a relationship... your a cautious person.. but I think possible you let it take hold more than it should have"----

 

Her reply was ---"Maybe. I don't know though"---

 

 

The one guy at work (who is very much like me) says I need to walk away from this and she's going to break my heart

 

I love this girl too much to walk away.. but I'm worried that i'm settling in for what could potentially be a long haul... and there is a real good chance I could end up on my own

 

She's very honest saying there is a chance for us.. but she's not going much more than that..

 

(me-You're talking like there is a good chance you won't want me back.. )

(her-There is a chance. That's all)

 

I asked her if it meant dating other people and she said its possible, but its more about her finding out what she wants

 

What do you think?

Am I crazy... do I wait... do I walk away

Again.. I love her to death.. she loves me

 

I'm scared

[smackie9]

Wow so sorry you are in this position. I have been in your shoes and I know she isn't telling you the whole truth. Some believe what they don't tell you won't hurt you. I don't know what you would prefer, but what you do is up to you. The best thing to do is not think about it, and have confidence that A things will work out, or B you will be able to move on.

[Tabitha87]

Maybe try giving her some space. Don't initiate contact with her, but don't ignore her either & tell her that you're doing this to allow her to sort out her thoughts.

 

If you're constantly pushing the issue, she'll likely lose interest and feel very pressured into making a decision that she or you may regret later.

 

You've expressed your feelings to her (I assume) so she knows where you stand on the issue so there's no need to constantly remind her how you feel. Again, it just causes more pressure on her.

 

You can try sitting down with her and telling her yet again how you feel about her, but then tell her that you think it's best she take time for herself to sort everything out. During that time, you'll likely miss her like crazy & want nothing more than to be with her, but you need to respect her need for space. At this point, that'd probably be your best bet to saving the relationship, but that's just my opinion.

[FromAbove]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here.. just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully reply.

 

I'm going to start by saying that about 6 months I got out of an 11 year relationship that ended not as good as I would have liked, but not as bad as it could have...

 

I started dating a girl from work who's 8 years younger than I am..

Things in my previous relationship were bad for a while and I developed feelings for this new girl... We love one another....

 

Here are the issues... and please feel free to ask questions as Its very long and complicated and I might be leaving holes

 

So I'm dating the new girl... for about 3 months now..

She's 24.. never been in a serious relationship.. never been with a guy.. pretty much zero relationship experience... She's very independent and by her own omission she can be selfish

 

Things have been a little rocky because she's getting used to being in a relationship.. I'm coming down from a spot where I was in a pretty great relationship before but it ended because we outgrew one another.. but I had all of my emotional and physical needs met..... anyways

 

So i'm coming toning down my expectations from that.. she's learning to give more since she's been so independent for so long.. it was dodgy here and there but we made it work and we got through it all pretty easily

 

I love her to death... she's very special to me.. and she loves me

But she's had doubts about everything... she's not sure if I'm the one.. or if I'm right for her... yada yada

 

I'm a very emotional person...... it was bothering me to hear that... it was causing stress on the relationship so she told me that she was over it... I suspected she was lying to make me happy and she was..

 

She's getting used to the affection thing, getting used to being in a relationship and doing a pretty good job of it... She's not great at showing emotion infront of people but when we are alone, especially after sex she's so affectionate and loving.. its great

 

At first she didn't want to spend much time together.. maybe once or twice.. but it quickly became 4 or 5 times a week we'd spend the night together which was great.. maybe a little much for me if I'm honest with myself... but I love spending time with her and never regret it

 

she's in a place in her life right now where she's living with her folks (who are amazing) she's looking for a job in her field that will likely involve her moving away.. And for the best part... we work together... and she's not happy at work.. she feels she's standing still, she's bored.. not happy in general.. and its affecting our relationship she says..

 

So we are going for walk the other night talking about all that and I couldnt help myself and brought up that I knew she was not telling me the truth when she said she's not doubting us... long and short of it.. 2 days later (yesterday.. 24 hours ago almost) she calls it off

 

She said she needs some time to figure things out, she needs time to figure out if this relationship is what she wants, if i'm what she wants

 

I'm a bit of a control freak.. well no.. I like to know what is going on.. I don't like not knowing.. so i'm freaking out..

 

I thought maybe she was letting me down this way instead of just calling it off.. but she says she's not.. she's honest and blunt enough that if that was the case she's likely tell me...

 

So I'm not sure what to do here... My world is falling apart infront of me....

We work together so we are going to see one another... all the time..

She still wants to come over and watch Lost and stuff.... wants to go to the gym with me and stuff... but the romance is on the back burner I guess you could say...

 

This is something she said to me today "I love you and I like the idea of us. I don't know whether its what I'll really want though."

 

I dont know what to do here... What do you fine folks think?

I'm ****ting my pants here because I love this girl so so much, I think we are good together..

 

I said this to her earlier today and she said she didnt know.. but I think this is the core of the issue

 

---"you have your own way... you needed to bend a bit and you did..

The only thing I can think of is you let the fear of the unknown... tie our hands basically

Your new to a relationship... your a cautious person.. but I think possible you let it take hold more than it should have"----

 

Her reply was ---"Maybe. I don't know though"---

 

 

The one guy at work (who is very much like me) says I need to walk away from this and she's going to break my heart

 

I love this girl too much to walk away.. but I'm worried that i'm settling in for what could potentially be a long haul... and there is a real good chance I could end up on my own

 

She's very honest saying there is a chance for us.. but she's not going much more than that..

 

(me-You're talking like there is a good chance you won't want me back.. )

(her-There is a chance. That's all)

 

I asked her if it meant dating other people and she said its possible, but its more about her finding out what she wants

 

What do you think?

Am I crazy... do I wait... do I walk away

Again.. I love her to death.. she loves me

 

I'm scared

 

Hey sorry to hear this, You are not crazy, i think she is. Your girl doesn't know what she wants. I guess she is still young and she is thinking about her life alot, reflecting upon her dreams, where she stands and where she want to be. I think you can do nothing about it for now, other then wait it out and support her, but not waiting like a puppy for her. You need to show her that you can enjoy yourself without her. If she doesn't want to be with you in the long term, she will always find something that she can use as an excuse to leave you, no matter how hard you try it will not work. So yes, your concern is understandable and real. Most of the time if someone wants a break.....it's code for i want to break up for good, but i don't want to sound like a heartless b.t.h , so i'll let you down slowly, while she goes out trying out other options. If your girl is slightly attractive, she'll have plenty of admirers to choose from, and she might had already her eyes on someone else. She is not telling you everything...to spare your feelings.

[Seaned]

I called her after I read the first post and asked her to be 100 percent truthful with me... which is always is (it can create issues) but it prevents some too..

 

I basically said I need you to be 100 percent truthful with me.. regardless of if its going to hurt my feelings... I asked if she was being 100 percent truthful with me about her reasons, and she said yes and then I asked if she had reason for doing this.. like another guy, or possible other guy and she said no.... she got al little pissy and asked if I thought she had a pile of them lined up to date..

 

I do believe her, it took months and months of talking to her for her to let her guard down enough to let me in. The sleeping around thing isn't something she'd do and she's brutally honest... I dont know

 

The conversation was good..

I told her I wasn't looking for as much commitment as she thought I was.. I told her I thought she was scared and if thats the case and she fools herself into thinking its me vs herself being scared she will just have to deal with it next time.. with somebody who won't put up with as much resistance as I would.. I told her that we've been working on things and its much better and she agrees... I told her if we work through this and I'm with her the reward will be that much more sweet because I love her and she loves me vs trying it with somebody new.. and possible missing out on an us...

 

I basically said all I wanted out of the commitment right now is knowing she's with me and I'm with her, and that she's into being in this relationship and slowly moving forward... which works for me at this point in my life too

 

She agreed and said she feels better after the conversation..

And again she still wants to hang out and watch Lost... she's not apposed to hanging out and spending time together...

 

I'm hoping for the best and planning for the worst though..

The odds are still not strong enough for me to think this is a for sure thing.. the chances of getting hurt here are pretty good... I need to prepare for that

[loversquarrel]

Yes you do because she is going to break you. It shouldn't be this hard to be in a relationship with someone. She is much younger than you and doesn't know what she wants, this is not a good combination. Also, Man up and don't come off so needy, it will help your cause.

[jackinthebox1]

Shes pulling away and you are pushing on her to stop and this is going to end up in a mess.

Your best bet woul be to distance yourself and let her feel what that tension is like so she can decide. And then when you are with her, why dont u take her out somewhere or do something more than sit at home watching DVDs.

No wonder shes getting cold feet at 24 sounds like shes already married

[SoThatHappened]

From my experience... not saying this is your exact situation, but from what I've learned:

 

- She's interested in someone else. Probably emotionally cheating at the least.

 

- There's absolutely nothing you can do right now (send flowers, beg, plead, change, etc.) that is going to change her mind.

 

- She's checked out (right now).

 

Don't chase her. Leave her be. She made the decision to split / take a break. It wasn't your decision, so leave the ball in her court.

 

Do NOT contact her anymore. Tell you can't be in contact because you need to move on. Again, putting the ball in her court.

 

This is textbook for someone who found someone else they think is better for them.

 

As I said before though, this is my own experience.

 

You may need to work on things and she just may feel that after this long together, you're never going to improve. This is actually best-case-scenario for you.

 

Why? Because you can improve during NC and she will likely miss you. Then she may come back, see the changes, and you both can move forward together.

 

Either way, it's NC for you and improving yourself. Fix those things you screwed up in the relationship before. You're better off regardless if she comes back.

[jj99]

First off and most importantly, like everyone said, give the girl some room! the more you push, the more she will indefinitely pull away. I know this can be hard and torturous -trust me, Ive been there - but you have to do it, not only for her, but for yourself as well.

 

What Im gathering from your post is that you started dating this girl 6 months after you got out of your 11 year relationship - did you ever think that maybe you are projecting some leftover feelings/anxiety from your last relationship? Maybe you are rushing into a relationship that you are not ready for yet; maybe you think that you are mourning the relationship w/ this new girl, but what you're really mourning is just being in a relationship itself. And that's totally ok! Transitioning from such a long relationship and then having to pull the emergency brake is a traumatic and hard thing to do.

 

Perhaps in the time that she taking for herself, maybe it's time for you to get to know yourself and why you need to be in this relationship or A relationship right now. Look, IDK jack, but as someone who is going through their own confusing heartbreak, sometimes you have to hold the mirror to yourself - as painful as that is.

 

And full disclosure - she's 24 and has never been in a relationship before and is very independent - she sounds like the majority of every other 24 y.o. female out there. She's trying to find herself and figure things out for herself too - the biggest turn on for her is an older "love interest" that understands that and gets that she needs her space - nothing is sexier than a mature guy that actually respects a girl's feelings/requests. Take this time to date around - Im assuming you missed dating in your 20's b/c you were in such a long relationship - take advantage of it! + as a woman who is in a long time relationship w/ someone who is 9 years my senior (Im 34, he's 43), IT IS NOT EASY! It takes a lot of work and commitment. We are going through a hard time ourselves right now - if this girl is wishy washy now, she might not have the tools to shelter the storm when it comes. And do you really want to have to be the 1 to teach this girl everything about a romantic relationship? you deserve someone who is as seasoned and ready to give and love as you.

 

good luck to you!

[Seaned]

Yeah I hear what everybody is saying..

We spoke again tonight and worked through some other issues... Getting her on the phone vs chit chat over the airwaves. (all these conversations are friendly, we are not fighting at all just talking)

 

She said she wants to spend time together (she came out and said that on her own), examine her feelings... I don't think she's emotionally cheating or interested in anybody else.. she's too honest to lie about something like that and she doesn't like games... she'd just let me have it if that was the case... she doesnt' hold back any other time

 

I think she's more concerned with finding out a bit more about herself but learning a bit more about us too

 

I left it as... I'm wiling to do as much or as little as you want.. We've proven a few times tonight that we can chew through bigger issues your having.. no reason why we can't in the future.. She was very open to that.. and agrees

 

I'm laying low now, I'm just along for the ride at this point.. which is gives me time to do what I need to do to make sure i'm not hurt

[hoping2heal]

How do you know she is being so honest when she says this break is not just en route to a breakup? She wasn't honest previously about her doubts, right? I understand you want to believe she would just be blunt or just be honest, but she has said one thing and meant another in the past, there is always the chance this is the case too.

 

It has only been 6 months in and she's already having all these doubts? I don't think the odds are in your favor.

[lolablue17]

I asked her if it meant dating other people and she said its possible

 

She said it all!!!

I'm so sorry for you. I believe her, she seems very honest. But I think it's your best interest to call it off.

 

There's a big difference if she intends to date other guys or not. She told you in polite but honest words that she's going to date other guys. She just doesn't want to give you a report about "when, who and where". She's right.

 

Since you're on a break, and since she she has established the rule with the phrase "it's possible to date other people" now it's really none of your business whom she's dating with.

 

She chose the "legal" way to date other guys without being a cheater. Now it's up to you.

 

Do you really want to go through the Via Dolorosa she's leading you? I don't think so. It's gonna hurt a lot. It's your call...

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're being too pushy. Give her room. She pulled back and you panicked and clung to her. You told her how you think she feels, but you don't seem to be listening to what she's really telling you. Unfortunately, I think you're setting yourself up to get hurt. She flat-out told you she might date others. I'm sorry OP, but I don't think this is going to end well for you.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Oh jeez, how do I say this....within a sweet rhyme

You, my friend, are being friendzoned in due time.

She's withdrawn the affection and now is shaping you up

to do nothing more than to drink from the friend cup.

 

This exact situation happened to me too I will admit,

I didn't want to believe at all, but the signs showed the fear to commit.

She doesn't want to hurt your feelings, thats why the hanging out,

But I want to just stand next to you and scream and shout.

 

She is interested in someone else, you are too blind too see

You are ruled by emotion at the moment, and your heart is going to bleed.

She is expanding her options, you just paved the way.

Shes going to ride the cock carousal....this is how the younger generation behaves.

 

You don't want to admit it, and I may say it rather harsh.

But the truth of matter is, if she wanted to be with you...she'd start.

She's slowly distancing herself, and keeping options open you see...

She even told you as much, you just don't want to believe.

 

I promise you, I read this, and I thought I had fallen asleep

thought I wrote this whole post, because it happened to me.

Same age, same girl, same excuses, same behavior.

Little did I know, she had her eye on a different savior..

[martaldn]

I think u should tell her to take the time she needs and think about where she was to be in the relationship in or out.

U can't ask your partner for some space to clear up your mind but still hang out with him!

U shouldn't accept it

U should be strong enough to step back and let her to sort her mind, decide together a time frame ( so u won't be there waiting for her forever ) and then she has to decide if she wants to be with u or not.

There is not half way in this sort of things and definitely ther is not way for u to chance her mind at this very stage.

She said she doesn't know what she want? Right so give her the way to figure it out,be out of the picture

Easy to say it hard to do it I know but what other option u have?

Keep us posted and good luck!

[Seaned]

I believe her because she's.. As I said she's a very blunt person and can be a little fiery.. I'm her first everything.. It took months to get to the point where she'd even let me in.. She's very guarded... She's had lots of guys pursue her, even through university.. But only a few dates..

 

She got frustrated at the end of the call and had a tiny freak out at herself because she wants to spend time together, and doesn't want me to wonder off, but wants to be single to have time for her own issues.. She said if she wants to give us a fair chance.. hanging out as friends won't do because she wants to really pay attention to how we are together in a relationship function... So she wants to do both.. And she is very emotional about the fact she's not sure which one she wants first..

 

She's shown me she's still interested... But she's shown me also that her fear is behind the wheel... She's digging up small issues and we worked through them by talking.. She's just scared.. Not sure what she wants to do and is over analyzing things.. It's her first time letting someone in.. It's understandable

 

I'm preparing for the worst.. I'd be stupid not too at this point.. I'm going to pull back.. Prepare for the worst and see what she does.. It's my only option and it's what she needs and wants

[Diezel]

3 months? These are not issues two people should be having at 3 months in.

 

You two are on completely different wavelengths and she KNOWS she has all the power and the frame in the relationship.

 

You need to play this WAY cooler than you are. She knows you're all in and that she can get to hang back and take her sweet, precious time.

 

Stop letting her set the tone of the relationship, if you lead, she will follow.

[Seaned]

Your right... completely.. that is the plan

I'm already feeling better about this..

 

Give her space... let her come to me.. if it doesn't work out.. Its sad.. but pick up and move on I suppose

[Seaned]

Update... I sent an Email last night saying we can't do both, its not fair to either of us and pointed out the progress we made yesterday just by communicating a bit better.. I said I'd give her the space she wanted

 

When she woke up she had already made up her mind about it.. she wanted to get back together. She thought the email was very direct and liked it

 

She liked the communication.. it fixed up a lot of issues for her, she likes that I want to take it just as slow as her...

 

I asked her a few times if thats for sure what she wanted and she said yes... I told her all I wanted at this point was to A) be together and B) be in the relationship completely instead of one foot out and one in..

 

I'm still going to be cautions and so will she, but we both enjoy one anthers company and just want to live in the moment and let tomorrow sort itself out..

 

I'm also going to stop bending as much and let her do some of the chasing.. make things a little more equal.. which she liked the idea of

 

We both agreed we need to do more with other people which has always been a point of tension since i'm older.. but she's ready to move forward with that..

 

So... it turned out well after all.. we've both learned some things

We will see what tomorrow brings

 

 

Thanks everybody for your help... I hope this will be my last create a post.. and maybe I can help some folks out like you guys have me

 

Cheers

 

Sean

Edited November 12, 2014 by Seaned