Are these red flags? Or I am being paranoid?

[heartshaped]

I wouldn't confront her yet.

 

There's not enough evidence there. She can say... "we are just friends" and there's nothing there to refute it. Even talking about going to a restaurant... friends do that.

 

If you confront her now, she's just going to get better at hiding it.

 

This times a million.

 

She's going to try and gaslight you. You need hard evidence. If you can't keep a poker face, pretend like something else is wrong that would account for you being upset. You don't want her to know that you know she's a liar and a cheat until you have all the concrete proof in front of you.

 

I would print out copies of her messages and that dating profile she's set up.

[GemmaUK]

I can see her side of it.

She has a 3 yo to look after all day (and night) and it sounds like you are not prepared to share tasks.

Yes you work but a Dad can take some of the 24/7 strain off when he gets home. This is what all the Dads that I know in happy RS's do.

 

 

What do you do to help out when you get home OP?

 

 

Bathe and put the little one to bed?

Cook dinner?

Tidy and clean?

 

 

What help do you give the one you love/your family?

[writergal]

I can see her side of it.

She has a 3 yo to look after all day (and night) and it sounds like you are not prepared to share tasks.

Yes you work but a Dad can take some of the 24/7 strain off when he gets home. This is what all the Dads that I know in happy RS's do.

 

 

What do you do to help out when you get home OP?

 

 

Bathe and put the little one to bed?

Cook dinner?

Tidy and clean?

 

 

What help do you give the one you love/your family?

 

That doesn't condone her cheating on her partner of 10 years. If the OP wasn't pulling his weight, it's her responsibility as his wife to tell him what her needs are, and if she needs him to contribute more after work hours. But if she's closed up and is now about to physically cheat on him, I don't think him doing the dishes for a week and bathing their 3 year old or cooking dinner for a week is going to change anything.

 

The lack of communication is what ultimately destroys relationships because people become afraid to ask the other person to meet their needs. That is why people cheat and lie about it. That is why people breakup.

 

OP, print off the emails, your wife's new dating profile and anything else you can find online. You need evidence to show her that you know she's been lying to you, because I guarantee you that she WILL gaslight you to protect herself. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you but your wife has no excuse for her actions. She's an adult. If she had issues with you and the marriage, it's her job to bring them up with you so that you two can work on the relationship together.

 

So, it would seem that your 10 year marriage is no longer a priority to your wife to nurture and to maintain and work on. And if you aren't comfortable following your wife to the restaurant she's planning to meet this Facebook friend at, send a friend.

[GemmaUK]

That doesn't condone her cheating on her partner of 10 years. If the OP wasn't pulling his weight, it's her responsibility as his wife to tell him what her needs are, and if she needs him to contribute more after work hours./QUOTE]

 

 

And none of hers to hope her partner respects and appreciates her and his family enough to want to help out at home?

Ever?

 

 

Wow!

 

 

I don't know any married men with children who don't take some weight and share the load once they get home. Not one. They all actually love (and want) to be involved and absolutely support their wives.

[writergal]

That doesn't condone her cheating on her partner of 10 years. If the OP wasn't pulling his weight, it's her responsibility as his wife to tell him what her needs are, and if she needs him to contribute more after work hours./QUOTE]

 

 

And none of hers to hope her partner respects and appreciates her and his family enough to want to help out at home?

Ever?

 

 

Wow!

 

 

I don't know any married men with children who don't take some weight and share the load once they get home. Not one. They all actually love (and want) to be involved and absolutely support their wives.

 

 

What's "wow" about the fact that the OP has been married for 10 years and during that time never cheated on his wife? His wife has an online dating profile up, has multiple email accounts, bought a new phone to hide text conversations between herself and this guy she has as a Facebook contact, sent him a photo of herself and now plans to meet him at a restaurant to cheat on her husband with.

 

If the OP's wife wasn't getting her needs met, it's her job to communicate that to him. I don't see what's so shocking about expecting the OP's wife to act like an adult and have the common sense to communicate with her husband about her needs. He's not a mindreader (neither is she). But you're making it out like the OP is at fault here. He's not.

 

People don't cheat on their partners because the partner has done anything wrong. People cheat on their partners because they themselves (not their parters) are self-centered and manipulative. Healthy people in relationships communicate with each other. They don't cheat on each other.

[Friskyone4u]

Let me guess? The dating website is Ashley Madison that was in her web browser. You have more red flags there than at a bull fight. The only thing missing is her "grooming" her public area all of a sudden or lingerie that you have not seen.

If you do not go into big time snoop mode you are going to get a real shock. It has undoubtedly already started. If you do not become paralyzed into inaction there are things you can do. Start with the following

(1) go get a VAR , voice activated recorder and out it under the seat in her car. If she is already in the affair, she will be talking on her cell in her car. She thinks that is her safety zone

(2) put a GPS on her car and track her phone

(3) get copies of all of your cell phone bill. That will tell you if a lot of texts are going to same numbers . The techies on this forum can tell you more details.

(4) try her common passwords from other stuff on her phone when she is in shower.

(5) search the house and her car for sexy clothes of burner phone or sex toys that you have not seen.

You say she is not leaving the house a lot of making excuses not to come home when she says she is. So I assume she is not doing any girls night out stuff . Beware of any out of town trips.

And if you really want to take a long shot, set up a fake Ashley Madison profile and see if you find her. The fact that she downloaded a picture may mean she is stupid enough to post it.

The bottom line is, all the red flags are there. You can either sit idly by and hope younger wrong or you can try to figure this out. Choice is yours.

Lastly, I disagree with not confronting her. At least about the Facebook. If you say much about it and all of a sudden it changes that will be another indication something is going on. And I would flat out tell her her excuse for locking her phone is bull **** . Tell her you want to see it now, and she should have no problem with you deleting anything if she is standing there. That will prove she is lying. My guess is she will run out oftentimes with her phone if you demand to see it suddenly.

You will not solve this or find out anything being Mr Nice Guy

[Georgia2014]

I think she's cheating. Why else would she put passwords on everything. She is sending up red flags. You need to find out. Tell her what you told us.

 

You said you haven't been happy the past nine years I think you need to get out of the relationship. She always says negative comments that is not healthy.

 

Since she created a dating profile she is nothing but a lowlife selfish lying cheating whore.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Georgia2014

[travisw]

I've been happy, we have good times but we had our up and downs. Well the dating site, I found out that its more like a social network she already had a profile before weve met.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I can't believe this is happening to me.

 

I can't fake looking like I never seen that. it will be hard

I don't think you will need to. It looks like she isn't paying much attention to you.

 

That's one advantage. Just go about your day and follow the advice people tell you here

[Friskyone4u]

Well, if she is not trolling the most famous cheating it probably means either she already has an AP or is getting ready to update her profile with current picture. The big question is why on earth is a married woman on dating sites on top of all these other behaviors. Stop fantasizing about the good times. The quicker you get on the ball, the less bad times you will have in the future

[Tabitha87]

Just for the record.. I have never cheated on my now ex, nor did I ever intend to, however I've done very similar things to this guys wife.

 

In my defense, my ex was very verbally abusive & anytime I'd talk to people (male or female), he'd be very upset, call me all sorts of names etc. So, yes, I hid conversations with people that I knew would set him off because I didn't want to give up talking to ANY of my friebds and any secure person would have no issues with their SO having friends, period.

 

Also, I was always honest about guys (& girls) I'd talk to on FB as I had nothing to hide. I'd even show him conversations etc., but as time went on, he began getting jealous of anyone & everyone I associated with & I didn't think that that's right. I expressed these people were simply friends and yet I was still called a cheater, a whore, a slut etc.

 

I'm not saying that this is the case, but it could possibly be how his wife feels. We haven't heard her side, right?!

[travisw]

update: This morning I feel like crap. I could not resist. I confronted her.

 

She was on her computer, laughing and typing. I asked her what's so funny? She said nothing, talking with my dister. I knew it was bulls***. I grabbed her laptop and saw that she just deleted her current Facebook conversation with the guy. She wasn't even talking to her sister, he was flirting with her again. I confronted her right away and told her that I read her entire conversation with him, that he's such a douchebag and that he was obv trying to grt her. She denied it saying that he's just a friend!

 

I told her I know about the pictures she sent. She denied it again and told me that she never sent pictures to him. I asked her to open her email account. She did and said "you see, there's nothing" No, the other account. She refused.

 

I opened it by myself and showed her the email with the picture. I also pointed the last sentence "if you wanna send me stuff, send it to this email address".

 

To be continued, gotta leave. I'll tell you the rest of it later.

[CarrieT]

She denied it saying that he's just a friend!

 

She denied it again and told me that she never sent pictures to him. I asked her to open her email account. She did and said "you see, there's nothing" No, the other account. She refused.

Classic gas lighting.

 

Condolences, my friend. We are here for you to work through this.

[travisw]

OK, so after showing her the email with the picture, she said that she simply wanted to let him know that he could use this email address to contact her. I said no you want him to send pictures to you to this address because I was not supposed to know the password! I asked her why you didn't send him on facebook? She said "Because!". I asked asked her why she lied to me about the picture? And she said that she knew I have seen it and it was not a sexy or naked picture, so basically that's nothing in her opinion and I'm making a huge deal out of nothing. I asked why did he send you shirtless pictures?? She said if she wanted to see him shirtless, he has plenty of pictures on facebook. (and she did check them out. all of them. And clicked like on many shirtless pics). Yeah, he's athletic, got abs and stuff. So what?

 

Also asked her why you have a sudden interest in a certain subject on facebook and you never cared before? Why do you like and share pictures of this subject? This guy's life revolves around this. What a coincidence!

 

She insisted that he's just a friend and if she wants to go to the restaurant with him, she will go. Why would you go to the restaurant with a guy that flirts with you everyday?

 

I also asked about the dating website. Turns out this was some kind of old social network. Her profile states that she's in a relationship and only interested in friendship. I showed it to her and to her, it was perfectly normal and she saw nothing wrong with it.

 

I was pissed. She, on the other hand, laughed and told me that she knew something was going on because I was so cold all week long. She wondered why I did not asked her about him instead of imagining things? I told her if you had an affair, would you tell it to me? Of course no! She said I am ridiculous. Why do you password protect everything then?

 

She said that she was cheated in the past and would not do that because she knows how it feels to be cheated.

 

She also said "If I wanted to hide something from you, I would have deleted it". I asked why you deleted the facebook conversation then??? And she said "for nothing!".

 

At some point, she said that I do nothing in the house (not true, yes she does a lot, but I help and do all the manual work, inside and outside the house). She also said that I take her for granted and that I do not take care of her, that I am annoying with my hugs and kisses and that I am jealous. She told me that if I'm not happy with her talking to him, I could block him on facebook and ignore the fact that she's talking to him. She said she can talk to anyone without my permission. Yeah, but this jerk annoys me!

 

She asked me if I was thinking that she would cheat on me and if I trust her. I said I trust her, but we never know, you don't seem in love with me like the first years of our relationship. Also said that I don't like where this is going with this guy and I don't trust him. What if he tries to kiss you? Or invite you to his place? Would you go? You seem to enjoy flirting with him!

 

All of a sudden, her mood changed. She told that she doesn't want to get married anymore and gave me the silent treatment. We went to bed. She did not seem to sleep well. This morning, she was cold and ignored me. At some point during the night, I woke and saw that she was typing on her phone.

 

I'm stupid. I should have waited before confronting her but I could not resist. I am a very emotive, sensitive and insecure person and hate seeing a d-bag flirting with my fiance (because yes, we are/were engaged).

 

And if she's not gaslighting and she's telling the truth? I would make me feel miserable for accusing her of having the intention of cheating me.

But I don't know. All this secrecy...

 

And I gotta admit that I hate the fact that this guy she talks on the internet is able to make her smile and laugh remotely and I'm struggling to get a smile or to get her attention.

 

I'm desperate right now.

[heartshaped]

As much as you don't want it to be, this relationship is probably dead in the waters.

 

You know this isn't innocent, heck of all loveshack knows it isn't innocent, but now you've gone and confronted her so she will just be more cautious. She's never going to admit the truth.

 

But even if this wasn't an affair (and it is at least emotionally maybe physically) would you want to be with someone who had such fragrant disrespect for your feelings and emotions? What she's doing is inappropriate and she doesn't seem to give a darn.

 

So the question is what will you do now ?

[Keke1]

OK, so after showing her the email with the picture, she said that she simply wanted to let him know that he could use this email address to contact her. I said no you want him to send pictures to you to this address because I was not supposed to know the password! I asked her why you didn't send him on facebook? She said "Because!". I asked asked her why she lied to me about the picture? And she said that she knew I have seen it and it was not a sexy or naked picture, so basically that's nothing in her opinion and I'm making a huge deal out of nothing. I asked why did he send you shirtless pictures?? She said if she wanted to see him shirtless, he has plenty of pictures on facebook. (and she did check them out. all of them. And clicked like on many shirtless pics). Yeah, he's athletic, got abs and stuff. So what?

 

Also asked her why you have a sudden interest in a certain subject on facebook and you never cared before? Why do you like and share pictures of this subject? This guy's life revolves around this. What a coincidence!

 

She insisted that he's just a friend and if she wants to go to the restaurant with him, she will go. Why would you go to the restaurant with a guy that flirts with you everyday?

 

I also asked about the dating website. Turns out this was some kind of old social network. Her profile states that she's in a relationship and only interested in friendship. I showed it to her and to her, it was perfectly normal and she saw nothing wrong with it.

 

I was pissed. She, on the other hand, laughed and told me that she knew something was going on because I was so cold all week long. She wondered why I did not asked her about him instead of imagining things? I told her if you had an affair, would you tell it to me? Of course no! She said I am ridiculous. Why do you password protect everything then?

 

She said that she was cheated in the past and would not do that because she knows how it feels to be cheated.

 

She also said "If I wanted to hide something from you, I would have deleted it". I asked why you deleted the facebook conversation then??? And she said "for nothing!".

 

At some point, she said that I do nothing in the house (not true, yes she does a lot, but I help and do all the manual work, inside and outside the house). She also said that I take her for granted and that I do not take care of her, that I am annoying with my hugs and kisses and that I am jealous. She told me that if I'm not happy with her talking to him, I could block him on facebook and ignore the fact that she's talking to him. She said she can talk to anyone without my permission. Yeah, but this jerk annoys me!

 

She asked me if I was thinking that she would cheat on me and if I trust her. I said I trust her, but we never know, you don't seem in love with me like the first years of our relationship. Also said that I don't like where this is going with this guy and I don't trust him. What if he tries to kiss you? Or invite you to his place? Would you go? You seem to enjoy flirting with him!

 

All of a sudden, her mood changed. She told that she doesn't want to get married anymore and gave me the silent treatment. We went to bed. She did not seem to sleep well. This morning, she was cold and ignored me. At some point during the night, I woke and saw that she was typing on her phone.

 

I'm stupid. I should have waited before confronting her but I could not resist. I am a very emotive, sensitive and insecure person and hate seeing a d-bag flirting with my fiance (because yes, we are/were engaged).

 

And if she's not gaslighting and she's telling the truth? I would make me feel miserable for accusing her of having the intention of cheating me.

But I don't know. All this secrecy...

 

And I gotta admit that I hate the fact that this guy she talks on the internet is able to make her smile and laugh remotely and I'm struggling to get a smile or to get her attention.

 

I'm desperate right now.

 

Oh man its hit the fan. Desperate? You should be desperately trying to get away from her. The child complicates things i know. Trust me this mess wont stop and her saying she will go out with him if she wants means you've lost her man. Which in the long run will be a good thing. The way she tried to lie about the email tho lol. See nothing there lol. Just look you right in the face and lie. Those are the worst.