Are these red flags? Or I am being paranoid?

[travisw]

Hello there,

 

Many things going on here. We've been together for 10 years. We are both in our late 20s, parents of a wonderful 3 year old kid. No known history of unfaithfulness on both sides. She is a reserved person, maybe a bit antisocial. She doesn't really have a social life. I see my few male friends once in a while. We met on a dating site.

 

The relationship itself could be better. Why? Because there's a lack of affection from her. She rarely kiss me, sex is once a month. I am always the one making the first steps. In the end, she rarely seems satisfied sexually. No more hugs or anything. When I hug her, it lasts 2 seconds before she moves out of the way because "she have other stuff to do". She rarely look me in the eyes when she's talking. She complains about how I am getting fat, my hair is thinning and how I'm ugly with a beard. She, on the other side, works part time and spends most of her free time watching TV while having her laptop computer on her.

 

House is quite a mess, she do the laundry, cook the food but never cleans. But she's a good mom, taking good care of our kid. Problem is, when I get back from work, I get depressed because of her negativity. She complains about almost everything! I told her that she have a problem but doesn't want to When I do chores, it doesn't even look like it pleases her. I can't say that I am very happy right now. It's been like that for the last 9 years. But I've stayed.

 

I've been having these weird feelings lately. At first, I said to myself that maybe I was being paranoid or insecure. But I just can't get past this. Like I have to find out. Am I being stupid and naive or something else is really going on? Even if she never go out except for work and groceries, it makes me wonder...

 

She got a new phone and recently put a password on it. For the past few months, I noticed that she was hiding the phone from me and it had a password. Mines always on the kitchen table without any password. I asked why did you put a password, got something you wanna hide? And she replies "no, I don't want your to delete my stuff", because I once deleted a picture of me I didn't like!

 

Her laptop computer is also password protected. She always logs out from Facebook and her emails. I know for a fact that she have multiple email accounts because she asked me to find an android app that supports it. I said sure, give me the phone I'll install it and she said no, I'll do it myself. Also, when she's on her computer and I enter the room quickly enough, she switch to some other web page, like Google homepage or the Windows desktop. This is my old laptop, I still know the password for the administrator account and I could logon easily... I work with computers, I could access anything on the pc.

 

When we watch TV, she always moves her laptop so I cannot see the screen. I don't know her email password, or her facebook password.

 

There's also a guy on facebook that click like on every picture of her and my daughter and comments everything. He annoys the f*ck outta me! She recently friended him and I have no clue who is this. All I know is that he is totally her type.

 

I sometimes wonder about how it would be to be single again or with someone else, but I do love her and would be really sad to find out that she is looking for someone else. A few years back, out of context, she joked "What you don't know, won't hurt you". Even though she said she never cheated, there's so many red flags, what do you think?

 

If somethings going on, a part of me would like to know. But this would saddens me a whole lot. I also feel miserable, if she's being honest and nothing is going on at all, I feel bad for wanting to snoop.

 

Thanks!

[heartshaped]

There are too many red flags to ignore this. I'm not an advocate or fan of snooping, but I highly doubt she's going to tell you the truth if you ask her.

[CarrieT]

You are not being paranoid and there is certainly enough there to warrant additional investigation.

 

She will "gaslight" you (google it) if you ask her directly.

 

Personally, I would get a voice-activated recorder and hide it in her car (most people have private conversations in their cars) and perhaps a GPS tracker on the car to see where she is going when she's not with you.

[bebe23]

This post really hits home because your girlfriend sounds a LOT like me. I do the same things and my husband feels the same way as you do.

 

But I'm completely loyal to my husband, I love him very much. I am not having any type of emotional affair. The reason I spend so much time secretively on the web is partly because of my depression (which I'm taking medication for) and because of my own odd geeky hobbies that I KNOW he would find very childish and silly. I like to be in my own world alone when I'm writing or reading. When he comes home or he's nearby, like on our bed or the couch, I immediately close my window to Facebook or news or something less embarrassing.

 

I HOPE it's something like that. You could ask her what kinds of hobbies she has online. I told my husband I simply like creative writing. He just thinks I spend too much time on it, and he's right. I'm pretty addicted.

 

But it COULD be an emotional affair with another guy.

Edited November 11, 2014 by bebe23
Girlfriend not wife

[Chemist]

Ehem, there are ways into people accounts, especially if you have access to their computers.

 

Some methods are considered illegal. Given all these queues, I'd snoop like a motha...

[Jules Dash]

Hello there,

 

Many things going on here. We've been together for 10 years. We are both in our late 20s, parents of a wonderful 3 year old kid. No known history of unfaithfulness on both sides. She is a reserved person, maybe a bit antisocial. !

 

 

You say your GF is maybe a bit "antisocial" yet you described none of the below in regards to her in your post.

 

Symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder

 

Antisocial personality disorder is diagnosed when a person’s pattern of antisocial behavior has occurred since age 15 (although only adults 18 years or older can be diagnosed with this disorder) and consists of the majority of these symptoms:

 

• Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
  
• Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
  
• Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
  
• Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
  
• Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
  
• Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
  
• Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
  

Antisocial Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central

 

 

 

The public just throw around these psyche terms inappropriately and diagnose others who do not fit these psychiatric conditions.

[heartshaped]

The public just throw around these psyche terms inappropriately and diagnose others who do not fit these psychiatric conditions.

 

He never said she had APD. He said she was antisocial. It's an adjective, you should look it up in the dictionary. It's like someone saying someone else is obsessive and you jumping to that person saying that person has OCD. Not the same thing at all.

[Jules Dash]

He never said she had APD. He said she was antisocial. It's an adjective, you should look it up in the dictionary. It's like someone saying someone else is obsessive and you jumping to that person saying that person has OCD. Not the same thing at all.

 

 

You are right. He didn't say that. I guess I developed a trigger finger when it comes to folks diagnosing psyche conditions around here.

[Fondue]

Personally, I would get a voice-activated recorder and hide it in her car (most people have private conversations in their cars) and perhaps a GPS tracker on the car to see where she is going when she's not with you.

That's some James Bond shizz right there. Hah.

 

Your post has troubling signs. She probably is losing interest in the relationship and might even be starting something up with a secret admirer.

 

You guys been together for about 10 years? ANd you're still in your 20s? YOu guys started to date when you were so young. Maybe she feels she needs to escape.

 

EIther way, it doesn't look pleasant.

 

I dunno what to do, man. If you point blank tell her something is up, she's gonna deny it, make you look like a fool, and it will give her further reason to continue something. I also am a big advocate AGAINST snooping. THat **** is not okay with me.

 

SO maybe CarrieT is right. Track her some other way? :/

 

EDIT: Wanted to add. Before you confront her, have ALL THE PROOF IN HAND (assuming she is guilty of something). Be Very, VERY, VERRRRYY rational. Do not let something make you angry or jump to conclusions. Find something with 100% validity before you present it to her. Have her unable to explain herself. After that, do whatever you need to.

[Jules Dash]

That's some James Bond shizz right there. Hah.

 

 

 

Right? I didn't even think of that at first but now since she put the idea into my head, I am thinking that maybe the OP should attach himself to the bottom of his girlfriends car for the day and see where she goes.

[BluEyeL]

I'd snoop.

[Keenly]

This relationship is as dead as Bambi's mom.

 

$0.02

[Tabitha87]

I was this way before breaking up with my now ex. It was different though. He never trusted me, always had a keylogger on my computer and would non-stop go through my accounts to spy on me.

 

He was also very verbally abusive & made me feel very insignificant as a Mother & a person. I would try my best to keep the house clean, always made dinner etc., but at times it was overwhelming when I felt I wasn't doing and/or couldn't do anything right & I'd lay around feeling bad about myself and lost any motivation/will to do anything.

 

I hid my conversations with my friends because he hated every last one of them & would always give me grief for talking to people he didn't like (if you had a heartbeat, you made the list). I never cheated on him though. Not physically nor emotionally. I finally ended up breaking up with him because of his constant disrespect for me.

[travisw]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Tonight, she was fine. Zero negativity, she was talkative and wanted to cuddle.

 

Problem is, I did not feel really good because I checked her browser history while she was in the bathroom. She came back and asked constantly if I was okay. I said yes, just tired. I was cold as ice, in shock.

 

Yeah, the facebook guy is in her web history. She searched for him on google and other sites too. She visited his facebook profile and checked all of his pictures. She also added him on skype. They also had conversations I did not have time to see yet.

 

What disturbed the most was the following : she searched for "dating web site" and created a profile on a dating website with a recent picture of her. She took it with the new phone, I never seen this picture before.

 

I did not confront her, I closed the computer lid. I was too shaken and I need more evidence. I'll keep you updated.

[travisw]

Ok, just had time to check her history again.

She visited his facebook profile and had facebook conversations with him everyday for at least two months...

[writergal]

Sorry to hear that travisw. I'm sure you must feel like the floor dropped out from beneath your feet right now. But it's better to know the truth of what your wife is doing so that you can make a decision about what to do now. Sounds like you need to sit down with your wife and have *that* conversation. Sooner is better than later too.

 

10 years is long enough to be with someone in a relationship, where you should feel comfortable being 100% honest with that person. Hopefully she won't "gaslight" you either (gaslight: to manipulate events and situations in order to make a person think he/she is crazy), and if you both want to save the relationship, be open to couples counseling.

[travisw]

I woke up this morning thinking that I had a bad dream.

Found the FB password...

Heading to work now but I can't wait to find out what's going on with these two. This is honestly the worst feeling I've ever had. I tried hard to save the relationship but wasn't able to get her to spend more time with me instead of the stupid computer...!

I can't believe in all of this. I hope nothing is going on with this douchebag.

 

Talking about it makes me feel a bit better

[bebe23]

Oh no- I'm so sorry. So there's proof that there is an Internet 'friend.'

 

I was hoping it was just a geeky hobby she kept to herself for embarrassment or a celebrity crush (grown women still have those). Does this man live locally where she's gone out for lunch with him or a long distance, purely Internet affair? If it's the first then its definitely over. So sorry. 10 years is a long time but you are still young.

[travisw]

I saw the messages.

 

Basically, the messages stopped on november 8, the day she got her new phone. They exchanged numbers and the facebook messages stopped.

 

So what's the content of the messages? The facebook guy, a guy from school that asks for pictures, calling her hot, sexy, babe. He asked a few questions about me and she never replied.

He want to see her. He wants to take her out to the restaurant. She agreed. He asked for pics. She told him to check his inbox... So she sent a picture to him. Not a sexy picture.

 

I also have access to another email address of her. She told this : if you have something to send to me, send it to this particular email address.

 

I loved this girl and I am attached. I also don't want to separate from my child. I am in disbelief

[CarrieT]

He want to see her. He wants to take her out to the restaurant. She agreed.

Keep tabs on this part of the situation and confront them in the restaurant after she lies to you about where she is going.

 

Print out all the conversations you have so far because she will try to gaslight you that "it isn't what it seems." You will want the documentation.

 

Start Individual Counseling to see determine if you want this relationship to continue, because she WILL beg for reconciliation.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Mrin]

What Carrie said. Document everything because once you confront she will delete everything and then you'll be playing he said she said in your head. I will be honest with you - it doesn't look good.

 

One of the things you need to be very mindful of is that the end result you might be playing for isn't the relationship but rather how you two deal with each other as parents of your child. I'm not talking custody but rather how you two relate to each other.

[travisw]

I can't believe this is happening to me.

 

I can't fake looking like I never seen that. it will be hard

[pteromom]

I wasn't too sure something was going on in your initial post. Like bebe, I am private about my online life, and it isn't because I am hiding anything. I just like having privacy.

 

But with the update, it is obvious she has something going on with this guy, even if it is just an online flirtation.

 

I am not a fan of snooping, but the GPS tracker is a good tool for this situation. When you see she is at a restaurant, walk in and bust her.

[CarrieT]

I can't fake looking like I never seen that. it will be hard

Then print them out now and confront her tonight, before it goes too far.

 

Read other threads in the Infidelity forum because many of us have seen this scenario hundreds and hundreds of times (I'm sorry to say).

[pteromom]

I wouldn't confront her yet.

 

There's not enough evidence there. She can say... "we are just friends" and there's nothing there to refute it. Even talking about going to a restaurant... friends do that.

 

If you confront her now, she's just going to get better at hiding it.