Something's gotta change.

[Quiet Storm]

My husband and I married young right out of high school, so it can work. All young marriages aren't doomed. You don't have the right mindset, though. You don't really want "married life" and you can hear that in your posts.

 

It's unfortunate that you didn't figure this out before you got married, but you have figured it out now. I think you should divorce your wife, because you both want different things. Why prolong it? You are already resenting her, and that's not fair. She didn't rope you into marriage- you stood up there & took the vows just like she did. If you aren't going to honor them, the least you can do is set her free so she's not wasting her time. If she wants kids, time is a factor. If she's 24 now, by the time she's divorced and healed she'll be 26, by the time she dates and meets a guy she'll be 28, maybe married at 30 and having kids after that. If you waste 2 or 3 more years trying to figure yourself out, you could be robbing your wife of her most fertile years. That's selfish.

 

It is much better to end it now, then to try & make it work, end up having kids and then blow their world up when you decide to leave on your quest for happiness.

[stillmind]

I agree with Quiet Storm - it's selfish to make her waste her most fertile years while you try to decide whether you want to be married or not.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with desiring a non-monogamous lifestyle, but your wife wants monogamy. She tried opening the marriage and it wasn't for her - it wouldn't be right or ethical to try and ease her back into a type of marriage she is uncomfortable with. Meanwhile, you find yourself unfulfilled by monogamy and growing resentful towards your wife. I think you should divorce so that you can find something that fulfills you and your wife can find a man interested in monogamy and family.

 

You're both young. I think you should let her go while you are both still young and relatively unentangled.

[Thegameoflife]

To continue from my previous post, cheating isn't the cowards way. Cheating requires one to go against social norms. What other people are suggesting, divorce, is the cowards way out. It's the cowards way out because you wouldn't be confronting the situation, but instead opting to avoid it. You need to figure out what you need, and bring it to your partner.

 

I'm also confused, if it's not about having new partners. The only issues you're presenting us, is your wife opting out of the three way relationship. Does she have issues with the bdsm lifestyle?

 

Calling you a coward did exactly what it was meant to. You gave me straight answers. My assumptions were pretty spot on too. You actually told me all of those things in your posts without realizing. I have an interesting skill set. I'm also very knowledgeable about power exchange, and negotiating terms.

[Oberon2]

...

 

Thank you to Quiet Storm and stillmind. Those are very good points. There is an element of time in all of this, and I can't just go back and forth on this issue forever. Eventually I gotta make a choice...

[oldshirt]

My husband and I married young right out of high school, so it can work. All young marriages aren't doomed. You don't have the right mindset, though. You don't really want "married life" and you can hear that in your posts.

 

It's unfortunate that you didn't figure this out before you got married, but you have figured it out now. I think you should divorce your wife, because you both want different things. Why prolong it? You are already resenting her, and that's not fair. She didn't rope you into marriage- you stood up there & took the vows just like she did. If you aren't going to honor them, the least you can do is set her free so she's not wasting her time. If she wants kids, time is a factor. If she's 24 now, by the time she's divorced and healed she'll be 26, by the time she dates and meets a guy she'll be 28, maybe married at 30 and having kids after that. If you waste 2 or 3 more years trying to figure yourself out, you could be robbing your wife of her most fertile years. That's selfish.

 

It is much better to end it now, then to try & make it work, end up having kids and then blow their world up when you decide to leave on your quest for happiness.

 

 

 

I agree with the premise of your post but not your timeline for remarrying and having kids.

 

 

at 24 she is still near the peak of her attractiveness and fertility. She could be remarried and popping out kids within a year or two.

 

 

She'll "heal" the day someone better looking and more serious about marriage/family than him gives her the nod.

 

 

(....and quite frankly, that may be the day he takes her more seriously too, but that's a topic for another thread)

[Oberon2]

I've been thinking about this situation and what it is I would really want if I were to go through with a divorce.

 

I'm starting to think that it's not so much that I am interested in having non-monogamous relationships for the rest of my life. It might be that even though this relationship is not as fulfilling as I originally hoped it would be (as another poster said, I was at that altar too), I'm still afraid of leaving it, since it has been such a big part of my life. And so now that the option for an open-marriage-type situation has come along, I latched on to the idea because it meant I could "look for" other relationships without having to do anything about this one. And that's not an appropriate way to face my problem.

 

As a side note, Oldshirt and Thegameoflife, I get that both of you think I'm an idiot, but please, try not to assume you know me or my wife from what little I've posted about our relationship in this thread, okay? Our timetable for recovery or when I'll "take her more seriously" is none of your concern. I'm looking for support, opinions, and things I may not have considered that might factor into this specific decision, not predictions about how much I'll regret it down the road or how quickly I'll be forgotten when "someone better looking" comes along.

[oldshirt]

 

As a side note, Oldshirt and Thegameoflife, I get that both of you think I'm an idiot, but please, try not to assume you know me or my wife from what little I've posted about our relationship in this thread, okay? Our timetable for recovery or when I'll "take her more seriously" is none of your concern. I'm looking for support, opinions, and things I may not have considered that might factor into this specific decision, not predictions about how much I'll regret it down the road or how quickly I'll be forgotten when "someone better looking" comes along.

 

Dude, no one thinks you're an idiot and no one has even suggested such.

 

 

Even your grandmother would tell you not to get pregnant during such an unstable period in your life. All I am saying there is to take responsibility for your own fertility and don't leave it up to someone else at this unstable time. That's sound advice. If you find that concept offensive, too bad so sad, just don't let it cloud the other issues.

 

 

And yeah, don't think for a second that a 24 year old woman is going to be sitting in her rocking chair knitting scarves lamenting about days gone by with one eye out the window wondering if you will ever return. You will have to assume that if you do divorce her, that she will move on quickly and efficiently and she won't just be sitting on the shelf waiting in reserve for you to come back when you get the whim.

[Thegameoflife]

I've been thinking about this situation and what it is I would really want if I were to go through with a divorce.

 

I'm starting to think that it's not so much that I am interested in having non-monogamous relationships for the rest of my life. It might be that even though this relationship is not as fulfilling as I originally hoped it would be (as another poster said, I was at that altar too), I'm still afraid of leaving it, since it has been such a big part of my life. And so now that the option for an open-marriage-type situation has come along, I latched on to the idea because it meant I could "look for" other relationships without having to do anything about this one. And that's not an appropriate way to face my problem.

 

As a side note, Oldshirt and Thegameoflife, I get that both of you think I'm an idiot, but please, try not to assume you know me or my wife from what little I've posted about our relationship in this thread, okay? Our timetable for recovery or when I'll "take her more seriously" is none of your concern. I'm looking for support, opinions, and things I may not have considered that might factor into this specific decision, not predictions about how much I'll regret it down the road or how quickly I'll be forgotten when "someone better looking" comes along.

 

Written language analysis is impossible; must be assumption or magic.

[elaine567]

The truth is, yes, my wife was feeling left out during our three-way relationship, and that's why she ended it. She's used to getting my full attention, so it makes sense that she felt threatened when she suddenly got less. The problem is that I liked that setup. A lot. And it's got me wondering why.

 

Twos company, three's a crowd. You loved the set up, because you viewed it as getting attention from two women and not just one.

Your wife was not so keen, she may have seen that the other woman was more involved with you than her, so instead of it being exciting and new, she was starting to feel a bit of a gooseberry. Or that she was starting to feel genuine feelings for this woman, but stopped it, because it was going to affect her marriage to you...

 

That is the problem with such set ups, it is difficult to maintain balance and keep all parties happy, especially when there is a long term relationship involved, to complicate things.

 

I believe you are trying to "fix" your marriage with sex games, when the reality is you need to sort out your relationship first.

 

Is the fact your wife is bisexual an issue for you? The mind is a strange thing. It may be that you do not feel that you are enough for her and thus are embarking on threesomes to please her. Or you hate her bisexuality and are somehow punishing her by getting her into threesomes, or that it is has become a competition, "you are bisexual, so I am into threesomes..."

 

Or are you just bored with the marriage full stop? If you truly are, then let her go. At 24, with no kids, there is no real harm done to either of you, at 42, it will be a whole different story.

[Oberon2]

Last night, my wife and I watched this TED talk together and we had a lot to talk about afterward.

 

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Talk Video | TED.com

 

I think there is something here that might be the key to actually saving our marriage. We had lost the desire. We had the loving, responsible, caretaking part down pretty good, for the most part, but because that side was so pervasive, there was none of that mysterious and intriguing distance and surprise that Esther Perel is talking about. We had each other, but we didn't want each other.

 

In particular, I've always felt that my wife needed me. Not just wanted, but physically and literally needed me. This was something that was established pretty early on, when she was struggling with depression. But like Esther says, being needed shuts down desire. It might help with love, but not desire.

 

We're going to try a few things, inspired by the talk, to start down a road to permanently fix this problem. If a few months go by and there is no progress at all (I still have a strong desire to leave), then we can start talking seriously about divorce. But if there's progress, real progress, and we have developed tools to deal with this lack of desire if it starts to come back, then I think we'll have solved it.

[oldshirt]

Last night, my wife and I watched this TED talk together and we had a lot to talk about afterward.

 

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Talk Video | TED.com

 

I think there is something here that might be the key to actually saving our marriage. We had lost the desire. We had the loving, responsible, caretaking part down pretty good, for the most part, but because that side was so pervasive, there was none of that mysterious and intriguing distance and surprise that Esther Perel is talking about. We had each other, but we didn't want each other.

 

In particular, I've always felt that my wife needed me. Not just wanted, but physically and literally needed me. This was something that was established pretty early on, when she was struggling with depression. But like Esther says, being needed shuts down desire. It might help with love, but not desire.

 

We're going to try a few things, inspired by the talk, to start down a road to permanently fix this problem. If a few months go by and there is no progress at all (I still have a strong desire to leave), then we can start talking seriously about divorce. But if there's progress, real progress, and we have developed tools to deal with this lack of desire if it starts to come back, then I think we'll have solved it.

 

 

Fair enough. That is at least making a decision, taking a stand and embarking on a course of action.

 

I would also recommend checking out the books and website by Athol Kay called, "Married Man Sexlife." They deal heavily with this kind of thing and it is geared heavily towards attraction and desire issues.

 

The only caveat I will say is don't expect to give it a few months, have a "cure" and then everything is all roses and happily ever after. This is always a work in progress and a process that never ends.

[whatcanitellyou]

...And you are missing what he is posting about. He is not saying, "how do I get my wife to swing?" He is basically saying he doesn't to be married any more and wants to be single and have freedom etc.

 

 

He's not trying to figure out how to get her to be more open to the idea of an open marriage, he is trying to figure out if he wants to be married to her AT ALL.

 

Not entirely true. He's trying to figure out how he can screw other women while hanging on to his wife. Otherwise he'd divorce her. He's not ready be married, so the sooner he accepts that he can't have both the better off they'll all be. He's talking about resenting his wife because she won't let him sleep with other women. .... that isn't marriage material.