Aftermath of Saying "I Love You"

[sami2005]

I know this is long, but I feel as though everything is relevant. I would very much appreciate any feedback. Thank you for your time.

 

I am 26 (27 in ~1 month), and my boyfriend is 24. We're both college educated, come from loving families, no children, live independently, maintain good jobs, are financially responsible, and physically active/healthy.

 

Prior Relationships: He had 1 HS gf & 1 college gf. He's never just casually dated girls (I'm the 3rd person he's slept with). I've also had 1 HS bf & 1 college bf, but I also casually dated several guys in the short-term (not sex - dating) (online dating + meeting guys while going out - whether at bars or the bookstore).

 

I have only said "I love you" to the 2 men who I was in a bf/gf relationship with. And in hindsight, still believe I loved them. I am an emotional and sentimental creature. Not overly, but I believe life is too short to not be honest with your self and feelings.

 

His experience w/"I love you": His HS gf said it to him, & he said it back (although in hindsight, he believes he did not love her and felt pressured to say it in return). She cheated on him & he wanted to work it out. She eventually broke up with him (dated ~1.5 yrs).

 

Neither his college gf or he said those words in their 3 yr. relationship. He claims he never really saw himself with her, but since it wasn't a "bad" relationship, he thought his feelings could possibly change (in hindsight, he says he realizes this was selfish). She eventually broke up with him, from what I can gather, bc she wanted something "more" (probably "love"). She is now married to a woman though... not sure if that plays any type of factor.

 

In Sep., 2013, he & I began communicating via text, and continued to do so until we officially met in person. I won't get into details about that, but we were "introduced" through mutual friends. We live in different states.

 

In Dec., 2013, he visited family for xmas (near me), and he asked me out. We went out 3x that week, and at the end of the week, he asked me to visit his state for Valentine's Day. We became monogamous/exclusive starting in December, & had the official bf/gf "talk" in Feb. when I visited. In our minds, we agree we've been dating 1 yr.

 

We agreed we'd wait until June, 2015-December, 2015 to discuss moving in. As we don't want to rush, but neither of us obviously wants to do long distance for forever.

 

We text, skype, or call every day, but only get to visit about every 6 weeks due to $ of airfare & the # of vacation days from work. We've met each other's families and have fun together.

 

Let me say that he is wonderful. Treats me lovingly & respectfully. He never hesitates to help me, act selflessly, and make sure I feel special from afar and when with me. I can provide examples, but I feel as though that would just take up space. My point is, he is the kind of man I can promise any girl would want to be with.

 

I realized I loved him this past May. I didn't say anything b/c I know men aren't as emotionally aware of their feelings as we are sometimes, so I was trying to give him time.

 

This past weekend, we were at a wedding for those same mutual friends of ours. Another friend of mine got drunk, pulled him aside and told him that he should tell me how he feels about me, & that you never want to live with regrets. He said he agreed and that he cares for me (I had nothing to do with this).

 

She ended up telling me this, and so the next day, I felt like my only option was to finally have the talk I've been wanting to hold off on.... (because of course I didn't want it to happen like this... I wanted it to be a beautiful moment, not silly he said/she said drama). B/c, all along, a part of me was hoping he hadn't said "ILY" b/c he was just nervous. Suddenly, it didn't seem like that was the reason any more.

 

So, the next day, we sat on my bed and chatted. I was emotional, but calm. He held my hand. I asked him what the difference was btwn caring for someone and loving someone. He said he didn't know. He admitted to not knowing what love means. He admitted to asking people and googling it. He's still not sure. He says he doesn't know that he doesn't NOT love me, but he doesn't know that he does either. He says he cares "deeply" about me. He admitted he wished he was more emotional. That he is envious of those who are, bc it seems a lot easier to navigate through life if you understand your feelings. He says he doesn't remember always being like this, but can't exactly remember when it changed for him. I implied a once during the conversation that he doesn't love me (not dramatically, but it was in relation to what I was trying to express). He stopped me and said, "I didn't say that. I could very well. I don't know if these feelings I have for you are in fact that. It's something I need to figure out."

 

A part of me is telling me to run. Bc a lot of people (esp. those online apparently) seem to think, "if he's not sure by now, he never will know!" But... I'm not sure with this one. He is not the playboy giving me the runaround. He is cautious, accountable and smart. He says when he says it to someone, he wants it to mean that he will be with them for a "very, very long time." I said, some people view "love" as an emotionally loaded word. But some, I think mostly men, view it as something bigger - a word that involves commitment. He said yes, he would agree with that, and that's why he wants to make sure before he says it. He said that part of the reason he is unsure of "forever" is probably due to the distance. I agreed, and said I am not saying I know that I want to marry you. Mainly, also b/c of the distance. I am saying I feel a certain way about you.

 

He thanked me a couple times for being honest and bringing up the conversation. He said he will definitely think about everything we've talked about.

 

Things were a little weird for us the following say (yesterday), but I've tried to resume to normal behavior today. My thing is, as unnatural and painful as it may feel, I am either in this or out. And if I am in, I need to be the same gf he's had - not more distant (no worries, I am not saying "ILY" to him, we're just returning to "normal" & seeing how things evolve).

 

I' m not ready to give up yet... but I do know I am almost 27, and I do know that I want love, a marriage & kids all w/in the next 7-10 years (I didn't say that to him, but he openly talks about wanting a marriage and kids - more so than I talk about it). So, I'm concerned this is my red flag. The other part of me is telling me to relax and don't ruin the best relationship you've had over some words, when they could come, and his actions speak volumes.

 

Lastly, I'm super close w/my dad (who is super smart & rational) & I know he reads people well (businessman for 30+ years). Plus, he knows my bf. My dad wants nothing but the best for me, and he seems to think this is OK. He thinks I should continue to wait and resume as normal.

 

Thoughts/advice? Thank you to everyone.

[OwMyEyeball]

Boys are conditioned from an early age to holster their emotions. As we grow up we are "taught" both directly and through immersion in this culture to detach from our emotions, especially at times when they would seem to interfere with our duties. Many men are very good at detaching - it's a necessary part of doing many of the tasks required of us - but there's not much in the way of teaching us how to re-attach. Hence the "emotionally unavailable" men we hear so much about.

 

This is where supportive relationships with empathetic people can be very helpful; allowing the aspect of ourselves that we've lost sight of to be gradually returned to view. It's not an overnight process.

 

While he may have said "I love you" to another girl, he may very well have been confusing love for lust. That's very common for many people. It's one of the few emotions, other than anger and fear, that men are easily able to identify. The broad spectrum of feelings from there can become hazy at best.

 

I'm a bit of an outlier, but speaking from personal experience I didn't even make any link between feelings and bodily sensations until a therapist pointed it out - at age 32. I had never brought that notion into consciousness. No one had ever said anything to me about it, and I suppose any time I may have tried the result would have often been painful or distracting - so why make the effort? Things seemed to be functioning well enough on the surface level.

 

Men come into their emotions along a different and longer path than women. Generally speaking, of course. From everything you've described here, and taking into account your father's perspective, I would say that you shouldn't feel worried. Other than the absence of words, is there anything in his behaviour towards you that would suggest he does not love you? That he does not cherish, value and adore you? Would you expect a marked difference in his actions towards and around you after he says "I love you"?

[sami2005]

OwMyEyeball:

 

Thank you so very much for reading my post and replying. I had a feeling the length would deter most people, but I feel as though it's important for "strangers" to get a sense of who we are individually, so they have a better understanding of the issue at hand (hence the wordiness of explaining my background, as well as his).

 

It doesn't bother me that he said it to his HS gf. In fact, I kinda wish he would have said in hindsight he knew he did love her. Instead, he said he realized he was saying it to just say it back. Not maliciously, but I get it… your 16/17 and you're dating someone for the first time… you probably assume you're supposed to say it.

 

There is nothing from his actions that tell me he doesn't love me. I guess that's where the confusion is… because I am a girl who is somewhat guarded with her heart and I think I partially fell for him b/c I felt/feel loved by him. I don't understand how he can treat me so wonderfully and he doesn't recognize that as love. But I guess if his definition of "love" means there is a follow up of some larger gesture of commitment (engagement, marriage, moving, etc), then I do understand that. B/c I am not 100% I want to marry him either (not for any specific reasons really, but rather, it's too soon to tell).

 

I'm hurt right now b/c I know my kind actions/words towards him are rooted in love, and I'm now assuming his aren't.

 

Honestly, I don't think anything would change if he said those words…. but at the very least, it'd be some verbal reassurance, which is always nice, but especially so in long distance, that we're doing well and possibly headed toward more of a future together. I am scared that it will be 8 months from now, and he will still be unsure, and I'll be nearing 28 & not any closer to my dreams/goals. I hate to get all methodical, but it really isn't so much about my "timeline," as it is that I feel life is too precious not to surround yourself with love. And while I feel loved, if he views it as just kindness…. then we're on different pages for the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't know about this. I can understand that love takes time to develop and he shouldn't say it if he doesn't feel it. But he seems a bit emotionally closed-off. That would concern me. If the time to move in rolls around and he still hasn't said it, I wouldn't be making a move. Give it some time, but don't wait around for another year if those words are important to you.

[sami2005]

Thank you for the reply.

 

Yes, he does seem emotionally closed off... which is odd b/c I'm the opposite and he is always very receptive to my expressions of feelings. It's strange to me b/c I know nothing "happened" to him in his childhood, so I don't quite understand why he is like this. His family adores him. He did say he thought about asking his dad for advice about this, but he was shy to b/c they don't "talk about that kind of stuff." So, I guess that's the reason why he is maybe emotionally stunted... b/c he doesn't have that experience.

 

I remember in June knowing that he'd never been in love and concerned, I asked him if he thought that was possible in his future. He seemed to be offended and said, "Of course, I am not an emotionless robot."

 

I would not move without the "ILY," and he agreed that he wouldn't want that either. So, I guess I am mainly pretty sad b/c if he doesn't figure it out btwn the next 6-12 months, we're done (in June we agreed we'd move in after 2 yrs or split). But then like you said, do I even wait that long?

 

*sigh*