Feelbettersoon Posted November 11, 2014 Posted November 11, 2014 The worst that can happen has happened. He broke up with me this summer, pretty much out of the blue after coming back from an amazing, loving summer holiday. I was shocked to say the least and blamed it all on me (as I was going through a rough time) I begged, tried to understand and talk for about 5 days then just left it. Small backgound info (we went out for just under two years, in mid 20s, had a friendship of just under 10 years before we went out. There was a girl who kissed him two months into our relationship, whom he removed from social media to stop her messaging him as she's persistant). I kind of moved on from than incident and he even said she was desperate for doing so, knowing he started a relationship. Iv been NC majority of the time since BU (minus visiting social media twice since summer). Today I found out they are in an official relaionship. All this time I thought it was my fault, I blamed myself for the distance between us during summer but it was all him (he was busy talking to her behind my back), and I bet myself up for weeks. I feel so disrespected that he has moved on so fast, their relationship began one month after he broke up with me. This makes me feel like I didn't matter. I feel so disposable. Also choosing the one girl who caused conflict makes it much harder too. Im glad I know about the relationship in a way so I don't think falsely that he is grieving this like me. Sometimes I'd think he hasn't reached out because he was taking time to process the BU, boy was I wrong. I often thought too that he would have realised he made a mistake. Just so shocked.. I did see them together hanging out once last month but I never suspected a proper realtionship. Has anyone had a similar situation?
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2014 Posted November 11, 2014 At some point every EX gets someone new. The timing of his new relationship had nothing to do with you so try not to feel disrespected. The fact that he moved on so fast is some indication that even though you didn't know about it, he wanted out for a while before telling you. Sorry. Hang in there. 3
preraph Posted November 11, 2014 Posted November 11, 2014 I'm sorry all this has left you hurt and confused. I do think he probably kept up contact with her since she was persistent. Few guys ever tell someone who's hanging around flattering them and wanting to be with them to go away. I know you got the worst of this deal but keep doing NC and try to move on. Look at it this way. He now has a very persistent pushy girlfriend. What's fun and flattering up front can get old pretty fast once the new wears off. 3
Author Feelbettersoon Posted November 11, 2014 Author Posted November 11, 2014 It really sucks. I'm completely lost today. I do think if they kept contact that it would of been two weeks before the BU, he was off. Before that everything was ok, How do people replace so easily? Surely that can't be healthy, I thought I meant more than this
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2014 Posted November 11, 2014 Everybody processes the end of a relationship differently. Whether his new relationship is healthy is not your concern. You take care of yourself so that when it's time for your next relationship that is healthy. 3
Bella2 Posted November 11, 2014 Posted November 11, 2014 I'm there with you. My ex started a new relationship 3 weeks after our BU, with this girl he apparentely already was attracted to before we finished. He admitted that after he broke up with me. Our BU has been almost 3 months already, I'm doing okay I guess, but still think about him a lot, especially the fact that he's happy with someone else now and I'm alone But I do definitely feel a lot better than 2 months ago, that's for sure And you will feel starting better to, it just takes some time....
BC1980 Posted November 11, 2014 Posted November 11, 2014 I think the ones doing the dumping can move on more easily because they checked out before they officially broke it off. Also, some people don't attach strongly to others to begin with. They keep walls up, so they can easily move from one person to the next. Don't take it as a judgement on you. I've never been able to move on super quickly myself, but my ex was talking about dating a week after we broke up. I don't know if he's with someone, but it hurt to hear him say that so quickly after he dumped me. Of course, I'm sure he had checked out months before, so dumping me was just the final part of it for him. He was probably relieved, which hurts to admit, but I'm sure it's true. Still, it hurts when they find someone else because it seems unfair. You are hurting so badly, and they are going right along in life. It pretty much sucks, and I don't know that there is anything that can make it that much better except moving on and not staying in contact. I think keeping in touch would be brutal because who wants a front row seat to that? No thanks.
Author Feelbettersoon Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 I am sticking to NC like I have last two months. But I can't sleep knowing now that it is true and cannot get th imagine of them together out of my head, because it's this specific girl, who caused great stress at the beginning of the relationship and tried to ruin it, it makes me feel sick that he cheated and is now with her properly now. So difficult to take
BC1980 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I am sticking to NC like I have last two months. But I can't sleep knowing now that it is true and cannot get th imagine of them together out of my head, because it's this specific girl, who caused great stress at the beginning of the relationship and tried to ruin it, it makes me feel sick that he cheated and is now with her properly now. So difficult to take My heart goes out to you. It's hard for anyone to take, but it would have happened eventually. That might be a way to think of it that helps you. Know that most people eventually move on. It's hard for me to think about that too, but it's reality. This happened so quickly that you didn't have time to digest that idea, but it's always going to be hard when it happens. Really, the only choice is to let it go with time.
Author Feelbettersoon Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 I knew it was going to happen eventually with him and me, moving on in the future. I didn't think weeks after they would be official, which meant this was planned and the reason I was dumped. I think iv cried more in the past 24hrs than in the last 3 months, just as things were getting easier this is a slap in the face. I wish it wasn't her. She always lingered in the background and I don't even know what was real anymore or if he spoke to her the entire time. And as a girl I certainly would never want to break up anyones relationship, the pictures she put up were almost rubbing it in. Writing that she loves her boyfriend etccc, and little day things they do, selfies etc. BARF. this relationship is just new?? I saw them when I found out and I won't be looking again, can't handle that.
BC1980 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I knew it was going to happen eventually with him and me, moving on in the future. I didn't think weeks after they would be official, which meant this was planned and the reason I was dumped. I think iv cried more in the past 24hrs than in the last 3 months, just as things were getting easier this is a slap in the face. I wish it wasn't her. She always lingered in the background and I don't even know what was real anymore or if he spoke to her the entire time. And as a girl I certainly would never want to break up anyones relationship, the pictures she put up were almost rubbing it in. Writing that she loves her boyfriend etccc, and little day things they do, selfies etc. BARF. this relationship is just new?? I saw them when I found out and I won't be looking again, can't handle that. It is a slap in the face to see that. I doubt it's as new as they would have people believe. I'm sure they have been talking for awhile. It's crappy all the way around.
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 You knew she was trouble from the beginning. That tells me you have good judgment & need to learn to trust in yourself more. That is a good thing. This won't happen again because you know the signs. As for what she's posting on social media, just block her & him. Then you won't have to see it. What you don't know can't cause you pain.
Kellens Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I am going through a very much similar situation. My ex is in a new relationship right away and we were together for 7 years, worked together for 10 and lived together for 6. I officially broke up with my ex about a month ago, however he had moved out before that to get some space and in his opinion we were broken up then and that is when he started seeing this other girl. In reality, this girl had been chasing after him for months and without me really seeing it, he was unhappy in the relationship for around the last year. He had definitely mentally checked out over the last 4 - 5 months, he told me this himself. If they were ever really in love with you, as he was with me, it is easier for them to not see themselves as the bad guy if they tell themselves that you guys were done anyway. It is a cowardly self preservation thing, at least in my case. I feel the same way, completely shocked, devastated and really pissed that he could move on that fast. The thing is he was already done and he in fact cheated on me, so although I miss all the good parts that were him before all of this, I have to resign myself to the fact that he is a weak piece of crap and I am better off without him. If anything it is better that he moved on so there is no way I would want to get back with him, try to think of it that way for you. I know it is hurtful, this girl posts things on social media as well and it is like she is rubbing it in, but she is young, clingy and stupid, that is his problem now. I am not even close to feeling 100% better, but I am at about 30% right now, which is much better than 2 weeks ago. Please tell yourself that you are better without him, think of all the bad parts of his personality or habits and be happy that this new girl has to deal with them! I wish you the best.
KrisB04 Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 I totally understand what you are going through..on some level. Right now my boyfriend & I are taking a 'breather'. His ex girlfriend(she was with him right before me) that broke his heart twice got into a car accident and died last week. He is a total mess! To top it off, she left him her diary & her parents found a letter that she never mail (it was dated as being month old) about how much she loved him. His head is so messed up that he can barely function. Everything he wanted her to say in their relationship but she never did, she said in the letter. And now she has passed away. I dont know what to do. I am here for him but this is something he has to get through with a professional. She totally messed up his emotions & life right now. I love him so much & I miss him like crazy. I dont want to be living in the shadow of a ghost either. So we are taking some time from us to see if we can get back together once he has coped a bit more with the situation. He said he is so confused. I dont know.
Author Feelbettersoon Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this situation. But what makes our ex's think it's ok to act like this, are people capible of making decisions without feeling guilty? I know I couldn't do this to someone, I wouldn't sleep at night knowing id hurt someone, because I know myself how awful it is to hurt like this.
preraph Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 ^ Unfortunately, not everyone has a full measure of empathy.
Magnet Posted November 12, 2014 Posted November 12, 2014 This happened to me too recently. I had arguments with my ex over a guy she was hanging out with TOO MUCH and texting TOO MUCH. I had a gut feeling, didn't like it, stuck it through. She dumps me, 2 months later, texts me out of the blue to tell me she is seeing him and that it wasn't done to hurt me and nothing was going on while we were together. Me? At first I really f**king hated her. But then I still love her, still grieve, even though she did what she did. I can't advise because I don't know what to do myself, it's a process and I haven't been through what's to come next, all I can say is I am a month or so into the process from where you are, and I'm still ploughing through it. Use this situation for what it is. Learn from it. It will toughen you up, like a leathery old woman's face. But don't lose your smile or your sparkle. You'll Feelbettersoon. 1
Author Feelbettersoon Posted November 12, 2014 Author Posted November 12, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I need to try and challange my thoughts into "him breaking up with me was a lucky escape", if that's how fast he moves on and disposes people then it would of been even more painful down the line. I hope in time I can get over this situation and try never to ignore any red flags again with someone, there were far too many I let slip.
Itspointless Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I totally understand what you are going through..on some level. Right now my boyfriend & I are taking a 'breather'. His ex girlfriend(she was with him right before me) that broke his heart twice got into a car accident and died last week. He is a total mess! To top it off, she left him her diary & her parents found a letter that she never mail (it was dated as being month old) about how much she loved him. His head is so messed up that he can barely function. Everything he wanted her to say in their relationship but she never did, she said in the letter. And now she has passed away. I dont know what to do. I am here for him but this is something he has to get through with a professional. She totally messed up his emotions & life right now. I love him so much & I miss him like crazy. I dont want to be living in the shadow of a ghost either. So we are taking some time from us to see if we can get back together once he has coped a bit more with the situation. He said he is so confused. I dont know. It is hard to lose someone to death, even as those people you loved are no longer in our life and your heart is with someone new. Perhaps there are ways you can be there for him that you can manage? I can only imagine it makes you both stronger as a couple if you can do it together. That means if you can take it and if he lets you. Good luck!
Magnet Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I need to try and challange my thoughts into "him breaking up with me was a lucky escape", if that's how fast he moves on and disposes people then it would of been even more painful down the line. I hope in time I can get over this situation and try never to ignore any red flags again with someone, there were far too many I let slip. I tried this approach, for me, it's hard to believe something that I don't feel. He moved on so quickly because he'd already moved on in his heart before breaking up. He wouldn't have been able to break up with you otherwise. In that sense, there isn't such a thing as luck or escaping. It WAS going to happen and it happened precisely at the moment that it was going to happen. He would have never stayed with you, he isn't the person who would want to stay with you. THAT ISNT A REFLECTION OF WHO YOU ARE- THAT IS JUST HIM. You'r just a type of crisp flavour and he doesn't eat those crisps. Tough luck, someone else will love your flavour ;-) 1
Sugarkane Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 x1000000 for sure I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this situation. But what makes our ex's think it's ok to act like this, are people capible of making decisions without feeling guilty? I know I couldn't do this to someone, I wouldn't sleep at night knowing id hurt someone, because I know myself how awful it is to hurt like this.
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