Do you ever get so tired of trying?

[irc333]

But I found it ironic with her whining about men not following up with a meet n greet. You figured she'd be willing to at least start a conversation.

 

I bet if we met in person through social circles in real life she'd be willing to get to know me.

 

 

Oh dear, Being bitter and blaming the women who reject you wont get you far.

 

"I like Disney too, I'm a geek" doesn't mean a match made in heaven, sorry. There is a lot more to it than having a common interest. Just because you see a perfect match, doesn't mean its mutual. Why don't you understand that?

[guest569]

Doubt it. Just take the rejection and move on. Lots of people like Disney.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hey, at least you had a relationship, some of us guys here have to pull teeth to get a half hour meet.

Yes, I have been lucky to have relationships with several quality guys. And I was very lucky to have once experienced true love - mutual and unmistakable. We were star-crossed in that his family interfered and created insurmountable problems for us. But at least I've had a good taste of real love, something that I think a lot of people never get to experience.

 

ALso seeing the constant barrage of people with an axe to grind IN their profiles that make me wonder how miserable THEY are.

I have my spells of sadness and existential gloom, but I'm glad that I've managed not to project any bitterness onto new men that I meet. Even after all the heartbreak, I'm still optimistic that I could meet the right guy for me at any time. If that happens, none of the previous heartbreak will really matter anymore.

 

I'm also very turned-off by cynical whining in a man's profile. If that's how he feels about it, he shouldn't bother dating. At least, not dating me!

[kolleamm]

Also let's not forget the potential reasons why online dating might not work, think about it what seems more like a chore, writing back and forth with someone with no audio nor facial expressions and having to use your imagination to envision it as we'll as not having a good image of what they really look like, or talking to someone you met in person?

 

That's the main reason I believe OLD doesn't work, and I hate to point fingers but I'd think the majority of women on these sites are far too lazy to make any effort. If they did they wouldn't be on those sites.

[irc333]

 

That's the main reason I believe OLD doesn't work, and I hate to point fingers but I'd think the majority of women on these sites are far too lazy to make any effort. If they did they wouldn't be on those sites.

 

Yeah, I'm seeing a lot of

 

"Just ask" or "Ask me"

 

Of course they do extended it out a couple of sentences.

 

"I hate writing about myself. If you have any questions, ask away!"\

 

I actually saw a woman in my area in her headline, "Bored at work...." and in her profile, "I'm only checking this out because I'm bored at work, if you have any questions or want to chat, just ask."

 

In actuality, I think I've exhausted the local women in my area that pop up on POF. Most are the same faces that keep coming back or just that they wind up permanent fixtures of the site.

 

So I sometimes circle around, and give some of these ladies another go around by contacting them around a month later, acting as if Ive only emailed them the first time. LOL, to see if they bite *shrug*. Still nothing.

 

Interestingly enough, my family members weren't the type to say, "Why haven't you gotten married and made me grand babies?" They were never like that because they knew friends and relatives that went through he** in their divorces. They consider me lucky that I don't have to deal with the messes their friends/neighbors go through.

[the tank]

Also let's not forget the potential reasons why online dating might not work, think about it what seems more like a chore, writing back and forth with someone with no audio nor facial expressions and having to use your imagination to envision it as we'll as not having a good image of what they really look like, or talking to someone you met in person?

 

That's the main reason I believe OLD doesn't work, and I hate to point fingers but I'd think the majority of women on these sites are far too lazy to make any effort. If they did they wouldn't be on those sites.

 

Online dating has become the second most common way for couples to meet, but it may encourage a "shopping" mentality in which people become judgmental and picky, focusing exclusively on a narrow set of criteria like attractiveness or interests, says a new study.

 

Online dating may encourage 'shopping' for mate - Technology & Science - CBC News

 

Lot of girl I dated are still on the web site.... The main excuse : I feel no spark ! When I hear this I know its not me the problem but the mentality with old

[Eternal Sunshine]

Spark has nothing to do with OLD. It just means that the woman wants to feel like she wants to have sex with you. I don't think that's unreasonable. It is not some imaginary concept. Think of a woman that you know but the thought of having sex with her leaves you cold. That's what "no spark" women feel for you.

[GravityMan]

OP, I agree with those that suggested you take a step back from dating. Now that doesn't mean that you should STOP dating; it just means don't think about it so much and focus your mind and energy on other parts of your own life, on things that make you happy and try or go somewhere new every now and then.

 

The fact that you are tired of trying indicates to me that you are/were too invested. That can make others feel a little uncomfortable and want to tap the brakes a bit and back off.

 

Just speaking for myself...I've found that women were more positive and receptive to me when I wasn't really looking and not trying so hard. Not just for dates, but in general (friendships, etc.). They seemed more relaxed and willing to open up around me and other guys that gave off similar vibes. Now, "not really looking" does NOT mean silly things such as "stay away from women, don't ask them out". I still got out some, tried to have "open" body language (unless I truly didn't want to be bothered), interacted with people in general, did fun activities and attended events with them, and every once in awhile asked a woman out (or she made a move on me) when it felt right. I had a life of my own and valued that. In summary, I was just interacting like a normal person most of the time. No forced humor (it either came naturally or I didn't bother). I only complimented people when it felt contextually and situationally appropriate...and more importantly when it felt natural and spontaneous.

 

Connections are going to be there or they're not. Attraction is going to be there or it's not, and it ebbs and flows. Likewise with chemistry. You have little or no control over connections or chemistry...and even with attraction, being a personable, positive, intelligent, decent-looking person does definitely help but there is no magic formula. Most people do not feel any of those things with 95-99% of the people they encounter.

 

And yes, luck does play a factor. Many people meet and eventually have LTRs just from being in the right place at the right time.

 

So OP and others who feel like him...continue hanging out and interacting with both women and men, but try to relax and just live your life.

[Imported]

Yesterday, I would have said yes.

 

Today feels like a new day.

[kolleamm]

I gave up many years ago. I got tired of all the games. Being led on. It gets old. Between that and hearing women that claim they want a good guy. But yet all they date are scumbags. If a woman wants a loser. Just say so, be honest about it. Not my problem anymore. I got better to do with my time than to waste it on game players.

 

I would love to have the same mindset as you however I fear that if I were to give up on women then my life would enter a dark storm of depression. It's very hard to give up on something you a biologically programmed for without consequences.

[Copelandsanity]

kolleamm, you helped me out awhile ago when I was depressed.

 

The point of life - at least to me - is to live a happy and fulfilling one. Mine is nowhere near perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but here are things I do to help achieve it:

 

1) I work hard at my job, and I measure myself by the progress I make. Yes, money isn't the most important aspect of life. But when I do make it or more, it gives me a feeling of progress and achievement, and I use it not to compile meaningless material items, but I use it to invest it back into myself so that I can make progress in all the other areas of my life.

 

2) I exercise everyday for 60 minutes everyday. I do all sorts of activities. I do running, tennis, swimming, weight training, and yoga. Exercise will automatically put you in a great mood, and I've been able to socialize my interests by joining a tennis group, and I can also do that with running once I build up my mileage.

 

3) I get 60 minutes of sunlight everyday. I'm in the Northeast, so to do that, I had to purchase a light therapy box for fall/winters. This kind of ties into the exercise thing in that I get a lot of my direct sunlight exposure by doing outdoor fitness activities.

 

4) I fill up my social calendar with as many events as possible. Sometimes it's playing tennis with my friend, sometimes it's playing tennis with the tennis group, sometimes it's having dinner with my Mom. The thing I'm currently doing is trying out Meetup again. Two days ago, I went to a karaoke meetup, and while I didn't make any potential lasting connections, I got to do a great job on a few songs I practiced hard for and can add them to my karaoke repertoire. I also heard a couple of a good songs and downloaded them yesterday. Tomorrow I'm going to a karaoke networking event with a friend.

 

5) I eat healthy. I have no sugar in my diet, I eat 4 healthy meals with no snacking in between. I get my fish oil and other supplements (multi, Vit C, Vit E, probiotic, Vit D). I eat healthy because it makes me feel energetic.

 

6) Don't mistake me for a Tony Robbins fanatic, but I use one of his techniques I learned from his interview with Tim Ferriss. It is the Hour of Power (I only do it for 15 minutes, he calls it 15 Minutes To Thrive). Here is the link: Tony Robbins on Morning Routines, Peak Performance, and Mastering Money | The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss. You can find the technique where it says "Tony's breathing routine" under "Selected Links from the Episode." The technique is a method of getting you in a motivated state from the very start of your day. It includes breath walking, gratitude training, focusing on what you want, and focusing on what you want to accomplish/create for the day.

 

7) I use an Android app called TickTick to make a checklist I use everyday for the things I need to do - like exercise, getting my light, taking my supplements, waking up at a certain time, etc. - and also for keeping track of general tasks with due dates.

 

 

Life is all about constantly making progress, and it's all about the feelings you get from making progress in every aspect of life.

 

When I make more money, I feel achievement, I feel I have more to invest in myself.

When I weight train, I feel a high from lifting heavy weights.

When I run, I feel a runner's high.

When I play tennis, I feel the thrill of friendly competition.

When I swim, I feel swimmer's high.

When I do yoga, I feel energy, I feel relaxation, I feel at peace.

When I sing, I feel expressive, I feel excitement.

When I spend time around people I like and love, I feel fun, I feel humor, I feel emotion.

 

Dating and "finding that special someone" is only one small aspect of a wide swath of life. If it isn't going well in that department, there should be so many other things going on in your life that make you feel awesome that it doesn't make or break you. And truth be told, if the other aspects of your life aren't progressing or nowhere near what you want it to be, you're going to have trouble finding a significant other because like attracts like. Nobody wants to be with someone who isn't ambitious or progressing in something, who doesn't exhibit passion for life...would you want to be with someone like that?

 

So my advice would be to look at what exactly in your life generates the feelings you want...and to have an open mind with regards to trying new things. If it's love you're after, perhaps it's adopting a dog, or volunteering, or finding ways to help give back to your family and friends...just a suggestion.

[kolleamm]

kolleamm, you helped me out awhile ago when I was depressed.

 

The point of life - at least to me - is to live a happy and fulfilling one. Mine is nowhere near perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but here are things I do to help achieve it:

 

1) I work hard at my job, and I measure myself by the progress I make. Yes, money isn't the most important aspect of life. But when I do make it or more, it gives me a feeling of progress and achievement, and I use it not to compile meaningless material items, but I use it to invest it back into myself so that I can make progress in all the other areas of my life.

 

2) I exercise everyday for 60 minutes everyday. I do all sorts of activities. I do running, tennis, swimming, weight training, and yoga. Exercise will automatically put you in a great mood, and I've been able to socialize my interests by joining a tennis group, and I can also do that with running once I build up my mileage.

 

3) I get 60 minutes of sunlight everyday. I'm in the Northeast, so to do that, I had to purchase a light therapy box for fall/winters. This kind of ties into the exercise thing in that I get a lot of my direct sunlight exposure by doing outdoor fitness activities.

 

4) I fill up my social calendar with as many events as possible. Sometimes it's playing tennis with my friend, sometimes it's playing tennis with the tennis group, sometimes it's having dinner with my Mom. The thing I'm currently doing is trying out Meetup again. Two days ago, I went to a karaoke meetup, and while I didn't make any potential lasting connections, I got to do a great job on a few songs I practiced hard for and can add them to my karaoke repertoire. I also heard a couple of a good songs and downloaded them yesterday. Tomorrow I'm going to a karaoke networking event with a friend.

 

5) I eat healthy. I have no sugar in my diet, I eat 4 healthy meals with no snacking in between. I get my fish oil and other supplements (multi, Vit C, Vit E, probiotic, Vit D). I eat healthy because it makes me feel energetic.

 

6) Don't mistake me for a Tony Robbins fanatic, but I use one of his techniques I learned from his interview with Tim Ferriss. It is the Hour of Power (I only do it for 15 minutes, he calls it 15 Minutes To Thrive). Here is the link: Tony Robbins on Morning Routines, Peak Performance, and Mastering Money | The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss. You can find the technique where it says "Tony's breathing routine" under "Selected Links from the Episode." The technique is a method of getting you in a motivated state from the very start of your day. It includes breath walking, gratitude training, focusing on what you want, and focusing on what you want to accomplish/create for the day.

 

7) I use an Android app called TickTick to make a checklist I use everyday for the things I need to do - like exercise, getting my light, taking my supplements, waking up at a certain time, etc. - and also for keeping track of general tasks with due dates.

 

 

Life is all about constantly making progress, and it's all about the feelings you get from making progress in every aspect of life.

 

When I make more money, I feel achievement, I feel I have more to invest in myself.

When I weight train, I feel a high from lifting heavy weights.

When I run, I feel a runner's high.

When I play tennis, I feel the thrill of friendly competition.

When I swim, I feel swimmer's high.

When I do yoga, I feel energy, I feel relaxation, I feel at peace.

When I sing, I feel expressive, I feel excitement.

When I spend time around people I like and love, I feel fun, I feel humor, I feel emotion.

 

Dating and "finding that special someone" is only one small aspect of a wide swath of life. If it isn't going well in that department, there should be so many other things going on in your life that make you feel awesome that it doesn't make or break you. And truth be told, if the other aspects of your life aren't progressing or nowhere near what you want it to be, you're going to have trouble finding a significant other because like attracts like. Nobody wants to be with someone who isn't ambitious or progressing in something, who doesn't exhibit passion for life...would you want to be with someone like that?

 

So my advice would be to look at what exactly in your life generates the feelings you want...and to have an open mind with regards to trying new things. If it's love you're after, perhaps it's adopting a dog, or volunteering, or finding ways to help give back to your family and friends...just a suggestion.

 

Thats awesome advice man what can I say. Usually I'm fairly good at coping and keeping myself together for the most part but I suppose ever now and then it hits me again especially when Im around someone I like. Some "your a failure" switch just triggers within me and I have a hard time flipping it off. I've taken up about 4 hobbies so far to try and keep myself busy but when it hits me it takes its toll.

 

It also builds up a sort of hate for women internally. I really don't want to hate anyone but how could I not when it's the thing that's making me life so miserable.

 

Dating is like I game I just don't want to play anymore since the odds of winning are so small and require so much effort, then again I don't really have a choice. Cheering myself up only takes me so far.

[Copelandsanity]

Thats awesome advice man what can I say. Usually I'm fairly good at coping and keeping myself together for the most part but I suppose ever now and then it hits me again especially when Im around someone I like. Some "your a failure" switch just triggers within me and I have a hard time flipping it off. I've taken up about 4 hobbies so far to try and keep myself busy but when it hits me it takes its toll.

 

It also builds up a sort of hate for women internally. I really don't want to hate anyone but how could I not when it's the thing that's making me life so miserable.

 

Dating is like I game I just don't want to play anymore since the odds of winning are so small and require so much effort, then again I don't really have a choice. Cheering myself up only takes me so far.

 

I currently do no dating; it's probably the furthest thing from my mind. I don't have much desire to do so, and to be honest, there's so much stuff I want to do for myself - and for others - that I haven't even thought about it much.

 

If I did want to get back to dating, this is what I would do:

 

1) Look my best I can.

2) Dress the best I can.

3) Be chivalrous, positive, and funny.

4) Ask out as many girls as I can, and have plans in mind for what you want to do on dates.

5) Go on dates, have fun...and if there's attraction, I will have places in mind that are scenic to go to at the end of one - usually the 1st one - which is where I kiss her.

 

The above has never failed me, even when I didn't have money, or I looked absolutely ridiculous - in hindsight - with a goatee and earrings or way too much gel in my hair, or I didn't have many hobbies. Maybe it leads to a special someone, chances are it doesn't...but it's the process that's supposed to be fun and interesting. And that's what I choose to focus on rather than the absolute priority of finding a special someone.

[insert_name]

Spark has nothing to do with OLD. It just means that the woman wants to feel like she wants to have sex with you. I don't think that's unreasonable. It is not some imaginary concept. Think of a woman that you know but the thought of having sex with her leaves you cold. That's what "no spark" women feel for you.

 

No but it may reflect worse on her than the guy if months later she is still scratching around on OLD waiting for that 'spark'. Quite a common theme in my area, some of these girls are still doing the rounds from my first OLD stint, same profile pics, text etc. Id have given up by now if I was them and accepted that im too picky so I should invest in some cats and have done with it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No but it may reflect worse on her than the guy if months later she is still scratching around on OLD waiting for that 'spark'. Quite a common theme in my area, some of these girls are still doing the rounds from my first OLD stint, same profile pics, text etc. Id have given up by now if I was them and accepted that im too picky so I should invest in some cats and have done with it.

 

I find that people that use OLD tend to use it again when their relationship ends. For example I used it and then met a guy and had a year long relationship (I put my OLD account on hold), after we broke up I was back and I got a msg from some guy telling me how I have been there "for years". If someone is on there longer term it doesn't mean that they didn't have serious relationships during that time.

[guest569]

I think being picky is a good thing. I have seen some men who have been on there quite a while, they are handsome and seem nice. But I guess they aren't going to settle for just anybody. Even if they reject me, good for them. I don't see where the "they rejected me, therefore they are picky and should go and buy some cats" attitude comes from. Perhaps they are enjoying the search, meeting new people and aren't in a hurry for a relationship.

 

Personally, I would rather not date anyone at this time and am happy to be single.. UNLESS I meet some absolutely amazing 11/10 man. That's my choice, if you or persistent men on dating sites don't like it, it's irrelevant.

Edited November 19, 2014 by smiley1

[insert_name]

Thats awesome advice man what can I say. Usually I'm fairly good at coping and keeping myself together for the most part but I suppose ever now and then it hits me again especially when Im around someone I like. Some "your a failure" switch just triggers within me and I have a hard time flipping it off. I've taken up about 4 hobbies so far to try and keep myself busy but when it hits me it takes its toll.

 

It also builds up a sort of hate for women internally. I really don't want to hate anyone but how could I not when it's the thing that's making me life so miserable.

 

Dating is like I game I just don't want to play anymore since the odds of winning are so small and require so much effort, then again I don't really have a choice. Cheering myself up only takes me so far.

 

For most men its a choice. Women can get away with airy fairy notions of "it will happen when you least expect it!!!11". As a man you have to make a conscious choice: "do I want to put myself out there or not?" - I left it to fate for 10 years! Im now belatedly realising that if I dont take action I will never have a relationship again. But just doing online dating for a few months has worn me out and given me very little in return apart from constant rejection.

 

So believe me I know what you mean when you say you are tired. I am tired too- but there are no easy answers, you literally have to soldier on and keep trying or face looking back in 10 years time and regret not trying harder when you were still young enough to. If its tough now it only gets tougher as you get older.

 

I dont feel any hate towards women, but I do envy how they can attain relationships without having to take the risk of rejection. Rejection seems to be a particularly male privilege

[guest569]

I dont feel any hate towards women, but I do envy how they can attain relationships without having to take the risk of rejection. Rejection seems to be a particularly male privilege

 

*sigh* really? As a woman I have experienced plenty of rejections. I also never 'attained' a relationship until my mid 20s when I made the decision to make an effort and put myself on the market. I dunno why you are so obsessed with gender but what you are saying is simply untrue.

[kolleamm]

you literally have to soldier on and keep trying or face looking back in 10 years time and regret not trying harder when you were still young enough to.

I was actually feeling really down today, but just reading that part you wrote really lifted my spirits. Your right, we gotta keep fighting, giving up is never an option. We're still men.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Awesome posts smiley!

[guest569]

Thanks, I'm finding it frustrating as women face the exact same issues! Including myself. I am happily single now but i know how depressing and frustrating it can be when you cant find somebody.

[Teknoe]

Kolle,

To answer your topic question, YES. December 2014 marks the date my first and only GF dumped me. I'm rapidly approaching 10 years being single. Practically every girl I've liked from 2005 to now has been taken, emotionally unavailable or not interested in me romantically. It got to a point where I became numb to the whole thing.

 

All the best. You are not alone (well, in this matter, anyhow)

[insert_name]

*sigh* really? As a woman I have experienced plenty of rejections. I also never 'attained' a relationship until my mid 20s when I made the decision to make an effort and put myself on the market. I dunno why you are so obsessed with gender but what you are saying is simply untrue.

 

In what ways does your rejection manifest itself? Do you initiate conversations with guys and explicitly ask them if they would like to go on a date?

 

Im not trying to say that sort of thing doesnt happen but you only have to look at the threads round here to see that *generally* women claim they will wait for a guy to approach and ask her out and if he doesnt then thats that she wont pursue him because she doesnt feel its her place to do that or whatever.

[irc333]

Man, I think if I had a dime for every, "I'm not looking for a roll in the hay, ONS, or bootie call" I'd be a rich man.

[guest569]

In what ways does your rejection manifest itself? Do you initiate conversations with guys and explicitly ask them if they would like to go on a date?

 

Yep, I've been starting conversations with, or asking guys out on dates. I can usually tell if he is interested or not before i ask. But not always. Even follow up dates, i think the guy is keen but get rejected.