Hard working young man who can't get any luck with a date for over 5 years

[cruiser1983]

I appreciate every and any who read this with an intent to help out. Thanks in advance.

 

I have been a single father (with majority custody) since I was 24 years old. I am 30 now. I am (now) very financially secure, great job, zero debt, physically fit and I feel I am good overall person. I bring this up because I hope to give you a picture of my mentality.

 

Everyone either thinks I am gay or asexual since I rarely bring up women and/or dating. There is a major secret that I am so ashamed about... I constantly get rejected for even a single date. This has been going on for about 6 years now. I feel so embarrassed to be a third wheel all the time, so sadden when my child asks me why its only "us two."

 

Some of my very close friends know about my struggles with this and a few constantly offer encouragement. Outside of that, nobody knows of my struggle with getting a simple date and it leads to rumor's and speculations of my sexual orientation which really makes me really sad.

 

Yes, I am aware that me having a child could be a turn off but even when the lady I have an interest in does not know I have a child, I still get rejected.

 

There are people who makes jokes about my situation and I just stepped back away from them. Rejection is a lot harder now. I am a successful hardworking man who cannot get a single date.

 

I know physical attraction means alot but I am actually not bad in the looks department. My height might be an issue (5'6) but I am "ok" with my height.

 

The women I approach I believe are "within" my league.

 

I am lost with this and honestly, I feel this is a sick cruel joke by the man upstairs.

 

My last date was with the mother of my child. Even though she hates my guts (she didn't want to me a mom to our child anymore and threw her frustration at me), she told me that whomever I end up meeting will be shocked that she let someone like myself go. It's one of the nicest words to come from her but I feel like its turn into a curse since I can't even get a date.

 

I apologize for my rambling. Its very tough to be in my situation so I turn here for advice.

 

Thanks.

Edited November 11, 2014 by cruiser1983

[Dontfindme]

Hey OP, I am truly sorry to hear about your hardships.

 

I'm just musing here, but is it possible that having to take on the responsibility of a child - projects some sort of unavailability, or stress on your part, to women? Could it be that you are coming on too strong, early on, because you have this pressure of not having been on a date in such a long time? Are you relaxed? Where are you meeting these women anyway?

[Million.to.1]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles.

 

When you say you cannot get a single date, can I ask what sort of woman you are approaching? Where are you meeting them? Have you tried OLD?

 

I'm not meaning to be rude by this, but does your voice or the way you dress make people assume you are gay? Do you have effeminate gestures or style? Are you very clean cut and appearance orientated at all?

 

I'm just trying to understand more about you and why it's happening.

[cruiser1983]

I won't take offense to anything asked here as I know my goal is to fix this. I am just thankful for the input.

 

I do feel that me raising my child myself might have "changed" me from my own peers group but it was unforeseen change. I became more of a family man "role model" to my child without even knowing. Am I stressed from my current responsibilities, I am actually not.

 

Am I coming on too strong, not enough or wrong? That's very hard to judge as I just can't put a finger on it (maybe this is where the problem is)? There is a mental pressure of knowing I have "failed" at getting a date for the past x years. My approach is fair. I am not overshy nor overly confident.

 

Million.to.1, very good question but I don't. My voice is normal, I don't have a effeminate gestures/style. I have a nice appearance in terms to grooming/clothing. I guess this is where people bring up rumors about me. I think people think I should not have a problem getting a date but I do and because I am never able to get one or talk about being on one... its leads to speculation.

 

I meet women where I can . It can be at social gatherings or even at a eatery. Have I tried old? I haven't. I look very young and have to maintain a stubble "look" just to look close to my age (I look about 25 years old even with stubble's).

Edited November 11, 2014 by cruiser1983

[greenman77]

OLD = online dating

 

It might be a good idea.

[Million.to.1]

Have I tried old? I haven't. I look very young and have to maintain a stubble "look" just to look close to my age (I look about 25 years old even with stubble's).

 

yes, I meant Online dating. We say OLD as an abbreviation.

[cruiser1983]

I have a few years back. It was tough to send messages to not get a single response. It honestly made me feel really ugly, lol. Out of curiosity from that, I set up a hot/not picture upload and I did quite well. Maybe my height was the turn off?

[Dontfindme]

If you haven't tried online dating, that is definitely something to look into as other posters have mentioned above.

 

Some people are hesitant to accept dates on the fly - and this could be for many reasons: they may be taken, they may be focusing on their career and/or life goals, they may be preoccupied, and not ready to date, etc.

 

I think it would be a nice change to try your hand where the motive is already made clear - as in the case of online dating.

 

Edit - didn't see the post above. Hm - it could be a good idea to revisit OLD regardless, if it has been several years since you have been on.

Edited November 11, 2014 by Dontfindme

[BeholdtheMan]

I'll be honest with you brother. The height doesn't help but it's not a dealbreaker.

 

Are you in very good shape? Do you have visible muscles and a six pack? Are you balding (some guys bald very early)? Do you dress rather sloppily?

 

Are you generally confident and charming around women? Are you still emotionally recovering from the divorce?

 

You've told us you are 1. in good shape and 2. financially stable. If you have some confidence and charm and decent grooming, you shouldn't be unable to get dates. There's something wrong. You have to be honest and fess up to get helpful advice.

[irresolute]

Read some books about dating and appearance. Do some research. Improve your posture, your appearance, be CONFIDENT on yourself. Your self esteem and your sensibility seem to be an issue from my point of view.

 

You are not trying hard enough. Go to online dating and start sending messages. 30. 40 messages.

 

If you are not confident enough, start with women below your league.

 

Good luck

[Toodaloo]

As a single woman there is absolutely nothing written here that would put me off dating you.

 

I think your problem may be the way you project yourself perhaps?

 

I know its horrid being turned down constantly for dates for whatever reason but keep at it. Don't let one womans opinion put you off. I know it feels like a whole bunch of women but in reality its only a few. Sometimes it can catch you off guard a bit if a chap asks and you didn't think they were interested so if they are still friendly after just double check in a non threatening, creapy way. Something along the lines of "I know you said no but I just wanted to double check as there is x on Friday and I thought you may like to go". I have ended up in relationships because of that second ask... Took a while to think about it! At the end of the day you have a child that you need to think about and if a woman doesn't want to get to know you or your child do you really want them to be in your life?

 

I know this is going to sound really daft. But I think you need a "girl friend" possie. This should be made up of mothers at your childs school, sisters etc. Any females that know you are single and know you. Let them know you are looking to meet someone and that you are not having any luck and ask them for input and help. Women love to find a decent single man and set him up with their single friends. Do you take your little one to classes, swimming lessons etc. That can also be a great way to meet new people.

 

Try to change the way you view rejection as well. Try to think of it not as them rejecting you but them not being right for you and not being the right person to fit into your life. Think of it as just meeting new people not a potential mate. Does that make sense? One really really unattractive trait in a man is the "woe is me complex" where they feel its all their fault and they have no pride in themselves or who they are. Be proud of the fact your a single Dad. Be proud of who you are and your achievements in life. be enthusiastic about it.

 

Also start talking to all and sundry. Chat to the lady in the line next to you when you go shopping, at the petrol station, stop and say hello to the people you wave to on your journey to and from work. A simple "how is your day going?" is enough to start a conversation. Smile at as many people as possible and get yourself out and about doing things...

 

Good luck!

[Arieswoman]

cruiser1983,

I am sorry you are in this predicament.

 

Maybe you are looking in the "wrong" places?

 

If you meet women in clubs & bars then you get women who are looking for a good time.

 

OLD is a possibility but you need to wade through an awful lot of dross to get anyone vaguely decent - also be aware that some hookers use this as a way of getting clients.

 

I don't know what you do in your spare time but getting involved in a hobby group is always a good way to meet new people. But don't join just because you want to meet a female. get to know people for themselves and then you will meet their friends, and in this way you can "network".

 

You don't say how old your child is, but surely you get involved with activities that are linked to school ? Outings, Nativity Play, School Play, parents' evenings, ? You could volunteer for anything to do with school activities. All the schools I know of are desperate for parents to help out!

 

All this is a good way to get known and put yourself "out there" and mix with people that are similar to yourself.

 

Good luck.

[siochana]

You need a win man.

 

You are in what economists call a deflationary cycle: a self fulfilling prophecy causing the economy to tank.

 

To continue the analogy, you need a stimulus package.

 

My suggestion? Take a trip, south american, Thailand, somewhere unfamiliar.

 

That would be an excellent start to break the cycle.

 

Get drunk, talk to lots of people, enjoy the moment, read some novels.

 

Back yourself man, back yourself. I know its hard but the hard truth is if you dont no one will.

[Maleficent]

How old are the women you are trying to date?

 

Dating a man with a young child can be scary for some. Recently I'm noticing how 'not ready' most of the people I know who are in their mid to late 20s are for, well anything really lol.

[GoBlue]

I am lost with this and honestly, I feel this is a sick cruel joke by the man upstairs.

 

I completely understand your feelings as I have experienced the same thing since my divorce. I have had women approach me, sure, but they are ones that I would never be interested in. I even asked myself what is wrong with me that they thought that they actually had a chance! Sorry, I know that sounds bad but it's still true. I have discovered something very important, loneliness is far better than being in a bad relationship!

 

The reason your post stuck out for me is because of the above quote. I went through my divorce because I lost sight of my relationship with God. The one thing I can say beyond anthing else I have learned, no matter what I go through, the Man upstairs has my best interest in mind. We were all created with a desire to love and be loved. Rejection stinks but there is a bigger picture here. There is someone out there for you, who will accept you as you are. Stay patient and do not compromise your standards or your relationship with your child. Hang in there - my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[preraph]

Well, I don't see why you haven't been snapped up. Okay. What is different about you now than before when you obviously attracted a lady long enough to have a child with her? Any major changes in you? Gained weight? Lost hair? Lost your sense of humor? Bitter from the break up to the point you talk about it too much?

 

If not, then you're probably, as a busy father, just not able to get "out there" enough. But there's solutions for guys like you, single fathers. Google your town and "meetups" and there are always ones for single parents. And the men will be in a shortage, because it's mostly single moms with custody. Start just attending the functions. I imagine a lot of them include the children. I bet you'd do great there. They're all there looking for a mate who wants to help parent their kids.

 

In addition to that, never hurts, if you're at all religiously inclined, to get involved in church activities. Start volunteering for some night or weekend things at your child's school. Meet other parents. Make it known you are a single dad and word will spread.

 

I have to believe you've just been too busy being successful and parenting to get out there and be social and meet people. Good luck!

[Tayken]

@OP...you are probably better off like that because with the caliber of what is out there today, all your hard work can be reduced to 50% or less

[cruiser1983]

I was reading over several responses and some things came to mind.

 

Sense of humor. That has gone down a lot. When I first became a single dad, it was a struggle to get back onto my feet especially with an infant at that time. I am not exactly what you call shy but I don't "open" up easily. My humor is there but its more around friends/co workers.

 

My "status." I have notice some of my male friends brag about themselves. My facebook (social sites) are very limited for example. I don't post pics of almost nothing. Some of my friends brag about fancy trips, expensive restaurants, cigar's and shots of alcohol. I have noticed that when I do go to gatherings, women take notice of my friends over that. It leads to conversations. I am not a big socializer (I work a full time job + child+ home to take care of) but should I start bragging about myself? I am not nor ever been a bragging type of person so this would be hard to do but if I have to do it to present a "auora" about myself than should i?

 

My appearance. If you saw me you would never think I am in my 30's. I sometimes have people who are in their early 20's ask me how I quickly "made it" up the ladder at my job because they think I am the same age as them, lol. I am nicely dressed and very well groomed.

 

Which leads me to another question on here. Self esteem. I have been rejected hard many times 5+ years straight. Someone brought it up here that I might be taking rejection harder than I should and maybe this might show of future "approaches" subconsciously?

 

To start, I might need to rewire myself on rejection or recognize what reaction is healthy vs unhealthy?. Any ideas or books I could read?

 

Also, this might be a big one as someone mentioned it, the relationship with my son's mother was a 6 year relationship. In other words, I was in my late teenage years when we met. Do I dwell on it and am I bitter? No. There is nothing I can do to control another person's actions. When it occurred, it was very hard for me to deal with but I am totally ok with it as time passed.

Edited November 12, 2014 by cruiser1983

[preraph]

I think there are a million mothers out there who know exactly what happened to you. You know how you always hear stories about how the woman changes after the baby and doesn't seem to think about or have time for anything else? Lots of divorces happen over that, and lots of cheating. Raising kids is a full-time job - and you already have another full-time job. You probably are not as carefree and you have probably lost that youthful light fun guy you used to be under this heap of responsibility. But as you say, you loosen up around friends. So I think what you need to do now besides setting aside time to have activities to meet people and women is to vow to "fake it until you make it" and act like a really fun guy again when around friends and out meeting new people. It's not gone forever. It's just not at the front of your mind anymore. If you smile and laugh and are fun to be around, you will attract people.

 

As far as social media, post photos of your fun activities, and don't have your child in very many of them. Don't make it look like all you do is your child's bidding, though that probably is all you do....Again, not fun looking and might rule out some people. If you go for a beer with the guys, take a shot down the table or have someone take one with you in it. Post that. If your favorite team just won a game on tv, take a shot of the tv and post that. Post things that are just funny but maybe you're not in, like some weird road sign you saw or some goober like that. It's easy for people to comment on that type thing if they're looking for an excuse to contact you. Post a joke. Just try to give the appearance of lightening up so you become approachable again and look fun. And it's perfectly fine to post if you made your goal at work to show women you're successful. Don't overdo it. Just say "Great month at work" or something like that. Take a photo at work of your work buddies, etc. Good luck.