Play it safe or take a chance?

[HugosVoice]

Hi guys. Just wondering if I can get some advice on the following if possible.

 

I have been with my partner for about 11 years. Things have always been nice between us however it has always, even in the beginning, felt much more like a platonic love to me. More like comfortable best friends than lovers. Our sex life has never been amazing and we don't have much in common due to our nearly 20 year age gap. He is a wonderful person though and I enjoy his company. And no, before anyone assumes as they often do, he is nowhere near wealthy. We make the same money.

 

About 3 months ago I met another man a year younger than me. There was an instant attraction and as we got to know one another better I found we had an insane amount of things in common.

 

Some weeks after we first met he confessed he has strong feelings for me. I told him as flattered as I was I have decided to work on my relationship as I think it's the right thing to do. He understood and we decided to remain friends. We have had drinks together and he has never tried to kiss or touch me in any way. He isn't sleazy or corny towards me, we just talk about everyday things and share life experiences. It's really great and we have a connection I've never felt before.

 

I am in enormous denial about my feelings for him. As much as I try to reinforce the friends thing in my head, I know I feel more. A lot more. Every weekend I feel sick at the thought of him out there meeting other women.

 

One of the hardest parts is that my current partner hasn’t really DONE anything wrong that’s pushed me away. In fact even after all our time together he still tells me he loves me more and more each day. I am ashamed to admit I think I am in love with how much he loves me rather than being in love with him. I just feel something with this new guy that I have never felt before (and certainly never with my current partner) and I’m finding it hard to turn my back on it. It's more than just physical and I believe this isn't a fleeting feeling. I see a future.

 

I have never faced anything like this in my life. I have always been a very faithful partner and even though I know I am already having an emotional affair I just can't seem to stay away. He makes me feel so wonderful. Do I turn my back on him and stay with my partner or do I leave my partner (losing my home, my extended family, the life we've built together etc) in the HOPE that this guy could be something very special?

Edited November 11, 2014 by HugosVoice

[Thegreatestthing]

I'm having the same problem,I really understand,if you play it safe in life you'll never get any treats,but honestly this other guy could you f-ck you over big time,he might just enjoy it for a bit then go,then you've lost a 11 year partnership,but you're so bored by the relationship you might not even care.

it might be terrific with the other guy you fall in love,you have this great life,who knows until you risk it.

Who wants a platonic love? A steady friendship with no passion,what's the point,it's satisfying in a way it serves a purpose, but your just plodding along,you're not alive in that.

 

the guy I want to leave my relationship for I've known him for 12 years and I still feel full of passion for him,it hasn't faded at all,that's how it should be.i listen to love songs and actually grasp the feeling,it should be like that.

[HugosVoice]

I'm having the same problem,I really understand,if you play it safe in life you'll never get any treats,but honestly this other guy could you f-ck you over big time,he might just enjoy it for a bit then go,then you've lost a 11 year partnership,but you're so bored by the relationship you might not even care.

it might be terrific with the other guy you fall in love,you have this great life,who knows until you risk it.

Who wants a platonic love? A steady friendship with no passion,what's the point,it's satisfying in a way it serves a purpose, but your just plodding along,you're not alive in that.

 

the guy I want to leave my relationship for I've known him for 12 years and I still feel full of passion for him,it hasn't faded at all,that's how it should be.i listen to love songs and actually grasp the feeling,it should be like that.

 

Thank you for your response.

 

It’s such an odd feeling to me. As I said I have never felt this way before. I just find myself sitting up and saying “Wow. So THIS is love”.

 

I cannot have my cake and eat it too though; I can’t say I want to work on my relationship then expect the new guy to wait around for me so I have prepared myself for the possibility that he might meet someone else. I am just so scared and not ready to make such a huge decision yet.

 

Yes I know going with this new guy could be the biggest mistake of my life, but I also feel like spending my life wondering “what if”could be pretty huge too…

 

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar. I hope you are ok.

[Thegreatestthing]

Yes the what if could really plague you,but taking the risk could really stuff up your life up too,if you're not ready to risk it yet- don't,if it doubt don't.

 

Enjoy the little fantasy,sometimes it's best left as exactly that.

 

 

Thank you for your response.

 

It’s such an odd feeling to me. As I said I have never felt this way before. I just find myself sitting up and saying “Wow. So THIS is love”.

 

I cannot have my cake and eat it too though; I can’t say I want to work on my relationship then expect the new guy to wait around for me so I have prepared myself for the possibility that he might meet someone else. I am just so scared and not ready to make such a huge decision yet.

 

Yes I know going with this new guy could be the biggest mistake of my life, but I also feel like spending my life wondering “what if”could be pretty huge too…

 

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar. I hope you are ok.

[HugosVoice]

Well, if anyone is interested, I completely f-ed up.

Things between this other man and I intensified, even getting to the point where we exchanged I love yous.

I couldn’t continue to string him along so I cut him off yesterday and he hates me. He said the whole way along if we weren’t going to happen to let him know but for some reason I held on and couldn’t/didn’t. He called me selfish and said he never wants to see me again and will never forgive me. He said I threw him away like yesterday’s rubbish and he regrets ever opening up to me.

I am feeling suicidal over the guilt of not only doing this to him but being foolish enough to even get involved with someone else while in a relationship. My God, I can’t even look my partner in the eyes anymore. I think I need to talk to a counsellor or something. The guilt is killing me.

[preraph]

It's against the odds that this new guy who is hitting on a woman in a committed relationship would be suitable for the long term or even interested in the long term. It's a sad fact that the odds are just against you that he is an exception and would be one-teenth as committed as your present spouse. Don't forget that women get played every day by men whose end goal is mostly sex. It's extremely hard for women to weed them out without getting used in the process. Even if he genuinely likes you, it doesn't alter the fact he's hitting on what amounts to a married woman - and what does that say about his intentions?

[Danda]

Well, if anyone is interested, I completely f-ed up.

Things between this other man and I intensified, even getting to the point where we exchanged I love yous.

I couldn’t continue to string him along so I cut him off yesterday and he hates me. He said the whole way along if we weren’t going to happen to let him know but for some reason I held on and couldn’t/didn’t. He called me selfish and said he never wants to see me again and will never forgive me. He said I threw him away like yesterday’s rubbish and he regrets ever opening up to me.

I am feeling suicidal over the guilt of not only doing this to him but being foolish enough to even get involved with someone else while in a relationship. My God, I can’t even look my partner in the eyes anymore. I think I need to talk to a counsellor or something. The guilt is killing me.

 

Go to therapy if you need it. But I don't think you need to feel too insanely guilty here. You had an extremely strong attraction to someone else and numerous opportunities to cheat, yet you didn't cheat on your boring, platonic husband, anyway. As much as it may have killed you inside at the time, you refused to betray someone in that manner. Many more people are coping with the guilt of having actually gone through with it. Also, you now know that this guy is a nutcase, so you know that you dodged a major bullet and don't have to live with any "what if" regrets. I'd say this went about as well as it possibly could have all around, given the contexts.

 

However, I think this crazy man has brought something important to your attention, that perhaps you are not romantically satisfied in your marriage, and that it's enough to tempt you to cheat when someone with whom you feel more chemistry crosses paths with you. Wouldn't you like to know for sure how you feel, what you want/need and not be so caught off guard in the future? Either resolute in your marriage, or resolute in a decision to move on? That might be something worth working out in therapy by itself.

[HugosVoice]

Go to therapy if you need it. But I don't think you need to feel too insanely guilty here. You had an extremely strong attraction to someone else and numerous opportunities to cheat, yet you didn't cheat on your boring, platonic husband, anyway. As much as it may have killed you inside at the time, you refused to betray someone in that manner. Many more people are coping with the guilt of having actually gone through with it. Also, you now know that this guy is a nutcase, so you know that you dodged a major bullet and don't have to live with any "what if" regrets. I'd say this went about as well as it possibly could have all around, given the contexts.

 

However, I think this crazy man has brought something important to your attention, that perhaps you are not romantically satisfied in your marriage, and that it's enough to tempt you to cheat when someone with whom you feel more chemistry crosses paths with you. Wouldn't you like to know for sure how you feel, what you want/need and not be so caught off guard in the future? Either resolute in your marriage, or resolute in a decision to move on? That might be something worth working out in therapy by itself.

 

Thanks for the advice, Danda. I do however feel like I need to feel super guilty. We made out once, and he was nothing but completely upfront with me from the beginning, and all the while reminding me “Please, if this isn’t going to happen, you need to let me know”. Every day for 3 months I had the chance to say NO but I strung him along because I liked the attention. I am an awful person.

 

I have felt like I wanted to leave my partner for years, but something keeps me there. I don’t know what it is. I leave for one day and come running back the next. I can’t stand to see him in pain. I know I don’t want to have sex with him or even enjoy his company that much anymore but I still stay. Maybe it’s the length of time we’ve been together? Or that he’s been my safety net for 11 years? Or that we live together in the property we own? Or that I was so different when we met? Who knows.

[Giggle]

I have felt like I wanted to leave my partner for years, but something keeps me there. I don’t know what it is. I leave for one day and come running back the next. I can’t stand to see him in pain. I know I don’t want to have sex with him or even enjoy his company that much anymore but I still stay. Maybe it’s the length of time we’ve been together? Or that he’s been my safety net for 11 years? Or that we live together in the property we own? Or that I was so different when we met? Who knows.

 

You need to figure out that relationship. Don't be looking at another guy to be the decision. But if you don't want to have sex with him, how is that fair to him?? Turn him loose to find somebody he can have a full life with. Figure it out but don't stay how it is. It's selfish. It will feel awful and he won't appreciate now, but you don't want to have sex with him or be in his company. Geez. That needs fixed.