Relationship talk coming this friday.....may spell doom

[avsguy01]

My 11 month relationship with my girlfriend may be coming to an end if we dont talk through our problems Friday night.

 

To give an idea, we havent talked since Sunday afternoon after i told her i was frustrated that she didnt call me back when i called her last Saturday night, and that i let her know how my parents felt about her having to loosen up around them since she asked me how the talk went with my parents. She called me today to set up with me a time and place to meet up (neutral ground) this Friday to talk about where our relationship stands.

 

Problems:

-She has been needing space (out of know where), she says she wants us to cut down on seeing time. I can respect that and can learn to get used to it, just like i learned to get used to seeing her all the time.

 

-My parents dont particularly like her (they cant figure her out) She is a very uptight person and my dad in particulary likes to joke and my girlfriend takes it too personally. My parents tell me she needs to loosen up around them and i tend to agree with my parents. This whole subject puts stress on our relationship

 

-Her dad has been pussy whipped for a really long time with his fiancee and recently has been causing stress with her and has been messing up our plans together. He will leave without telling her and she is always stuck watching her brother and sister (14 and 16). This adds anger and stress to my girlfriend and it makes me upset with her dad the way he treats my girlfriend.

 

-Lately she has seemed distant from me, obviously since recently she has told me that she is needing space, however my needs personally in the relationship are that Ive been needing more affection from her at certain times and more reinssurance on her part that she still cares the same about me like she used to seem to have. So we arent on the same level right now as far as what each others needs are.

 

I think these are the main problems that need to be discussed this Friday. Any suggestions about what i should do. I love the girl very much, however we are definately on different levels right now. I think we can work through these problems, but the problems we are having, will it be to much that it will put us back in this same situation in the future if we happen to work it out this Friday?

 

Thanks

[sarah12]

Personally I would take the joking around your parents thing seriously. I couldn't date someone that couldn't get along really well with my parents. Family is important to me and when the SO doesn't seem to fit in well with the family, I couldn't see him in my life. I take it that you have the same POV on this matter as you seem to side with the parents here.

 

The fact that she doesn't want to spend as much time with you and you would like her to show more affection tells me that you two are on two different pages. This is a huge issue that needs to be discussed, why does she need space? Let her know exactly how you feel, without scaring her, but at the same time you have to tell her how you feel. It's the only way to break down the communication barrier you have around you right now. That seems to be the key, to talk about things in an effective way.

 

but the problems we are having, will it be to much that it will put us back in this same situation in the future if we happen to work it out this Friday?

 

You'll never know until you try. At this point it seems workable as long as the both of you come to some compromises (i.e. she should show some affection and make some time for you, and you should allow her space when she needs it)

[avsguy01]

Well i feel a little more relieved, because she called last night and said she cant help stop thinking about me and she said that she had to call me. She called last night to say that she loves me. That made me feel a hell of alot better. I did tell her that there is alot that is going to be talked about on Friday. I honestly think we can get through this, but its going to take some work on both our parts.

[sarah12]

Good! I'm glad that you realize that there is some work ahead. The hard part is to be sure that she feels the same - that she wants to work on this too. Good luck!!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Wow. I'm really glad she called you too. I was going to tell you that you are 90% going to get dumped on Friday (which I think may be what she had in mind when she set up that time to "talk" about "where your relationship stands"). Luckily, it sounds like she has since realized that she really does love you too, and that your relationship may actually be worth saving.

 

Don't get cocky on Friday though, just because she called and expressed her love for you. I noticed you told her that "there is alot that is going to be talked about on Friday", kind of like now you are expressing concern on whether the relationship can be saved. That's not a bad tack to take, but like I said, don't get cocky and take that too far, or she may shift back to thinking that it is not worth saving.

 

It sounds to me like you are kind of both on the edge of ending it right now, but you obviously love her, and she loves you, so just try to work WITH her and fix it. The worst possible thing for either of you to do at this point, is to try to tell the other "how things are going to need to be from now on".

[avsguy01]

Yeah there are some things that i need to discuss about how i want more affection from her but i am well aware that it did seem like she was the one wanting to break it off. So i know that i have to be careful with what i say. Also her thing that she told me before is that she feels like i am raising my expectations of her. So its hard to tell her that i need more affection or i want her to try and be a little more enthusiastic/positive the way she used to be when we have time together. I really love this girl i and i want her in my life as my significant other, but at the same time i dont want to be walked on. I dont think she is the type to take advantage of this, but the opportunity is there. I did leave her a message last night that i cant stop thinking about her and that i love her and i miss her. I wished her a good night since she was at work. I havent heard from her since I left that message last night but she probably didnt get the message or didnt feel appropriate to call late at night. Plus she doesnt like leaving voice messages on my phone that often. Today is our 11- month anniversary and i want to call her to wish her that but i want to keep from calling her so i dont seem too smothering. So i am waiting for her to call me in order for the next time to talk. Guys this is really tough. I am trying to hang in there. I love the girl with all my heart and i dont want to lose her. Its really hard to judge how she really feels about me. I have a good feeling she really loves from past discussions and such but i know the thoughts of doubt have crossed her mind recently. Thanks for the advice. Anymore is really appreciated.

[LucreziaBorgia]

All I can offer is that you brace yourself. It is wholly possible to love someone and care for them, but not want to be in a relationship with them anymore. I'm not saying its the case here - but it helps to consider all possible outcomes when going into uncertain situations.

[avsguy01]

Well we ended up talking last night and we were able to work through this!! I went to her house last night to talk to her dad and she happened to show up from her softball practice. So her dad sat us down and he talked about her and her feelings and such so i gathered a better understanding where she was coming from. I also discussed the situation with my parents to him about how my dad didnt mean anything by joking.

 

But anyway, it was nice to talk with her dad and i appreciated it, but we went up into her room and talked one and one and discussed alot. She told me how her feelings were hurt on Sunday and that she was really angry with me and actually considered breaking it off with me, but she loves me and thats why she gave her self space and didnt talk to me. She didnt want to do something that she would regret, such as breaking it off with me. The girl loves me.

 

The whole her not giving me enough affection thing was basically based off of her distancing herself from me to get some space because she was becoming frustrated in the relationship. There have been some things that i did that normally wasnt like me and she took them and they built up without her telling me. All of us make mistakes and even sometimes take what we have for granted and i did do that. Of course i told her that she shouldnt hold the parts that were taking a bad shape for the relationship in and should have let me know that she was becoming frustrated. I think we both realized that we saw the bad sides of each other in the last month or so, and that we shouldnt hold it against each other. Its a matter of growing a relationship and even getting to know each other even more.

 

Then we talked through all of that, and my parents came up. I let her know that i will love her even if my parents didnt accept her. The big thing that made her upset is that she is a "family going girl" and she has always wanted acceptance from my parents, but my parents havent showed it completely. There was misinterpretations with jokes my dad cracked and other little things, that got to her and she realized that maybe she shouldnt take them to heart. But at the same time my parents never really took the time and asked things about her to get to know her. It seemed as though my girlfriend would always have to intiate bonding. But as we talked about my parents she told me that she was half tempted to go over right now and have a sit down talk with my parents. I was like really? She said yes cause she loves me, and then we both agreed we had nothing to lose. So then we went to my parents house.

 

All of us sat and talked for a good 30-40 mins and discussed what was on each others minds. My girlfriend truly impressed me. She did most of the talking and really made an effort to say she was sorry about some things that she took in. There were a few things that she appologized to my parents about that i thought wasnt even her fought but i kept my mouth shut and i think she did that just to say what my parents wanted to hear. My parents said she wants her to feel comfortable around them, and the talked ended up with my girlfriend saying she felt alot better. I think everyone felt more relieved and there were hugs at the end.

 

However, I think my parents, especially my mom, dont think too highly of her, cause my mom told me after i came home last night if something like this comes up one more time then they are done and never want to see my girlfriend again. But i think thats an unfair statement because my mom started stuff between my girlfriend and her a few times right at the beginning of the relationship which has put us in the situation that we are in now. It doesnt matter to me though, because you know what? My girlfriend has just earned a ton of respect from me. It took major guts to do what she did last night. If anyone was the most mature out of this it was definately my girlfriend. So if anything comes up ever again i am not going to hear it from my parents. I will ignore them because my girlfriend made the effort last night, and i think she deserves major respect from my parents for that. I am behind my girlfriend 100% I understand where she is coming from with my parents. The bottomline is I am not going to let my parents come in the way of us. I am also not being the middle person anymore. I love my girlfriend, and she loves me. She told me last night. "We got through this, we can get through anything." I completely agree with her. We have something special.

[GirlDown]

no offense, but is she the kind of girl who likes a lot of attention? and how old are you guys? i am going to guess maybe 15-16, according to the subject matter, but i'm just going on a guess so correct if am mistaken.

 

i may be wrong, but it seems like she enjoys the immediate drama of a near-break up without the actual breakup...then when the "conflict" is resolved it's back to normal theatrics "we can conquer the world, we can do anything" kind of stuff.

 

your parents saying "if it happens one more time" leads me to believe that this has happened a bit.

[avsguy01]

Okay jeez does it sound that bad? lol She is 20 and i am 23. I guess it may seem this way because unfortunatly i still live at home (going to college) and she lives at home (going to college). But anyway, she doesnt thrive on attention. If fact she is completely cool with me if i want to go out to a bar and hang out with some friends, just to give you an idea. She also doesnt enjoy near-break up drama. That's rildiculous to say. And yes this thing between my parents has happened before, but mainly because my mom had a problem with her in the first place and jumped on me about her in the past. It was pretty offensive for what you just said in your post but im not going to hold it against you.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by avsguy01

Okay jeez does it sound that bad? lol She is 20 and i am 23. She doesnt thrive on attention. If fact she is completely cool with me if i want to go out to a bar and hang out with some friends, just to give you an idea. She also doesnt enjoy near-break up drama. That's rildiculous to say. And yes this thing between my parents has happened before, but mainly because my mom had a problem with her in the first place and jumped on me about her in the past. It was pretty offensive for what you just said in your post but im not going to hold it against you.

 

i do apologize for offending you, that was just the way i was seeing it. and it's not ridiculous to say someone can enjoy near-breakup drama, some people really do, sad as it is.

 

i know this is different, but just an example....

 

my boyfriend was engaged before he met me. they were together two years, and had maybe 10 or so (at least) near break ups. all were initiated by her, and then stopped by her, and everytime it was this big talk and reconciliation and she felt more loved than ever, blah blah blah.

 

finally he had enough and when she did it the last time and gave back the ring, he said "this is it. i am done, i am tired of trying to figure you out. thank you for giving the ring back. good-bye and sorry i made you so miserable" she didn't know what hit her...once she realized she wasn't getting a favourable reaction and it wasn't going to be some movie-esque reunion, she wanted to stop fighting, in fact couldn't even remember what the fighting was about. it was like entertainment for her. she liked the feeling of being fought for, it made her feel vauled.

 

 

it just made me think of that situation, that's all. and the reason i aske your age is because when i was 15 i used to do the same thing to my boyfriend at the time. i liked hearing him say how much he needed me and liked me, so i would make it seem like i was angry and ready to break up, and he would do everything to stop me.

 

when i heard my current boyfriend's past situation with his ex, i thought, wow, i used to do that too, when teenage drama was the in thing to do...as an actual teenager!

 

they were 19 and 22. he says he never felt a bigger age gap, and you would never think it would be that way.

[avsguy01]

That is sad that your boyfriend's ex played off atleast 10 breakups in 2 years. I agree that is really messed up. Well i can definately say that my girlfriend isnt playing games like what you mentioned. This has been our very first major hump in our relationship and thats at 11 months. The only reason she considered the break up for this first time in our relationship was because her feelings were hurt by what i said to her last Sunday. She had alot of anger towards me for that instance, with also my parents situation on top. I could see why she almost felt like giving up, but in the end she knew that she couldnt break up with me cause she does love me. There are definately no games here.

[GirlDown]

okay i think i understand a little better now.

 

it was just that by the way you're parents said if she did something like it "one more time" they were done with her,it seemed that this kind of thing happened more often.

 

good luck with it. as i just said to someone else, relationships sure are complicated, aren't they?

 

[avsguy01]

hey frekin yeah, but you know what when you get through the complication they are the best thing in this world

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by avsguy01

hey frekin yeah, but you know what when you get through the complication they are the best thing in this world

 

 

true, true, avsguy. good luck.