Has anyone left their ex alone because they "moved" on

[Tabitha87]

So. I've posted on the "Breaks & Breakup" section about my ex. A few key points are that we dated for a little over a year, but I had cheated on him early on in the relationship (a month in). He always has trust issues with afterwards, which is inevitably what lead to us breaking up (I couldn't deal with the constant accusations). I had tried moving on & dated someone else.

 

I ended up dating the next guy for nearly 9 years (I broke up with him in early October) & have 2 kids with him. Over the years, I tried every so often sending my ex a message but would never get a response. I would always tell him that I missed him & that I wasn't happy. The new guy just wasn't him etc.

 

In March he had messaged me saying "Heey. U remember me. Wow. U have a kid now? I just wanted to let u know that i still miss u & think of u." It was an old Facebook account and the message went to the "other" folder so I didn't see it til late September. My initial response was quick, simple in that I only answered his questions by saying "Hi. Of course I remember you. That's a silly question. Yes. I have 2 kids."

 

He read it but never responded. My kid's father took it upon himself to block my ex. I realized what happened and just told him to call me if he wanted to talk to me. He never did. A week later I finally told him that I was breaking up with my kids father & that I was going back to school and wasn't interested in playing games. I didn't hear anything back.

 

A few days ago his sister and friends messaged me, basically saying the same thing. They told me that he had gotten into trouble again and was gone to prison for at least 3 years (he was sentenced to 5). They asked me to write him a letter because he was hoping to hear from me. His sister said that he never responded all those times because he felt like he'd be interfering with my family life & thought I'd be best to leave me be to basically be "happy", although I wasn't.

 

Now I'm single again and he wants to talk to me apparently. His sister said that he's loved me all this time & hasn't gotten over me etc.

 

So, basically I'm wondering if anyone else has done the same thing in that they left their exes alone, despite knowing that you bboth love eachother because you're trying to respect their new relationship?

 

When I do write this letter, what am I supposed to say now having been told all this stuff from his friends and sister? Do I mention what they told me or do I simply just ask how he's been doing etc.?

Edited November 10, 2014 by Tabitha87

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm afraid to report what I would really say,

The things that I would point out, you may really hate.

You've had no communication for the past 10 years,

I don't understand how you can love him my dear.

 

You don't know who he is anymore, you only know the hurt you caused.

People can change a lot in 10 years, life does not have a pause!

I'm not trying to tell you who you love or not,

But please please please, don't be in love with a thought!

 

If this romance blossoms, and it works out for you,

I wish nothing but praise for you both, and blessings too!

But don't be disappointed if he isn't the same man,

10 years changes people, he may be different than when you began.

[TigerLilly78]

Prob not what you want to hear but you have two kids now and this old dude is in prison why get into a situation with a man with a criminal background wouldn't you rather a stable partner potential step dad for them?

[Bluesandy]

mmmm 30 years go, my 3 years university's sweetheart left me for another dude.. For years, I was devastated, and then after 5 years, she came back to me because I missed her and her romance was over. The thing is that I didn't have sparks anymore. So we made love a few times, and then I married another girl. For years she thought we could come back together, and this summer, she went to me because she heard I was separated.. We tried antoher times to have sex, but I was so disconnected so she went away mad of me because she thought this was an easy deal... Funny because 30 years before, I would have killed for her to come back..

As you can see, it is not that obvious... Be careful.. I wish you the best, but don't expect too much...

[me85]

Are you willing to wait 3 years for him until he gets out of prison? If not, then why start writing him? It sounds like a very troubled situation. Like it was doomed from the start. /= I wouldn't recommend getting involved with a man who's in prison. He obviously needs to improve his life a great deal.

[Tabitha87]

I get that a lot can change in nearly 9 years. He was always a really "proud" guy & barely let his emotions show, but I knew anytime something bothered him & always got it out of him & vice versa.

 

My intent of talking to him is to see if there's even anything still there & that it's not just "wanting what you can't have" for both of us because I know that can be a possibility. I have some time to figure it out before I'll even see him, & I know that it'll make it more difficult to rush into things, which is a good thing, I think.

 

I know it may not work out, but I feel like I should at least see what he has say & put my mind at ease. I mean he sold marijuana. I don't think that makes him a bad guy. He wasn't out there robbing people or selling highly addictive drugs that ruins people's lives. He sold weed. It's legal if you get it from the government in my country (for medicinal uses), so I hardly think that it's a hardcore crime. The government treats it as such though because they're not making money off of controlling it. That's just MHO though.

 

I loved him for various reasons. He (aside from my step-dads) is the only one to have helped me get my life back on track. When I met him, I was doing all kinds of bad things, including drugs (ecstasy, mushrooms etc.) & he got me to see that I better than that. He showed me that I deserved better. He encouraged me to get back into school which I later graduated with his help. He always made sure I was taking care of myself & taught me how to even do that. He wanted the best for me which in turn made me want the best for myself.

 

We could hang out for days on end and never got bored of eachother. We always found something to do and we basically liked all of the same things. The problem was that anytime I'd go home (I lived a 30 minute drive away out of the city, with no means of transportation to get back into the city without him getting me or my parents bringing me). If I didn't answer the phone at home, he'd assume I was in the city with my friends and just didn't want to see him. It was never the case. I was usually shopping with my Mom in town or gone to check the mail because I was bored (the post office was a 15 minute walk to get to).

 

I just couldn't handle the constant accusations. I loved him like crazy and felt horrible that he couldn't learn to trust me after all that time had passed. I felt I had proved that I learned my lesson and that I had no intention to ever hurt him that way again. He just couldn't believe me & I didn't know how else to prove it to him, so I ended it because I felt that was the only way I wouldn't hurt him anymore.

 

A month later I met my kids father and we were dating a few months later. He was nothing like my ex. We partied all the time & I lost sight of my goals. Before I knew it, I was pregnant (which resulted in a miscarriage). We partied even more (that's how I dealt with it) & a few months later I was pregnant with my daughter.

 

Everything went downhill from there, both with him & my life. He was never around throughout my pregnancy, always with his friends for days & even weeks on end, without so much as a phone call even though we were still together. I had my daughter and he was too hungover to even make it to the hospital (I was 8 days overdue and he KNEW it was happening any day at that point). I saved money while living with my Mom to get a place in the city & he lived with me the whole time, but complained about everything. Just never happy with anything. I saved money in a piggy bank for my daughter (hundreds of dollars in 4 months) before I realized he has stolen all of it. He never supported me when I tried to go back to school, wanting to be a RPN. He wanted me to take something else that paid more, even though you start at $23/hour at the least & never took into account that I feel I would be doing something I'd love and actually enjoy doing.

 

I've supported him all these years and always made sure that there was a roof over my kids' head, food in our bellies, clean clothes to wear etc. All he's done is take advantage of me (granted, I've allowed it to happen, so that's on me). He's always played with my heart strings, knowing exactly what to say/do to keep me from leaving, but I finally have had enough of it and stood up for myself.

 

I broke up with him, for good, and will never go back to that nightmare of a life. I'm going to school in January for the RPN program (I got into the program. Yay me!). I'm slowly getting myself back to where I wanted to be all those years before. I've come a long way, I feel, on my own, despite all the setbacks. I'm 27 and will be nearly 30 by time I'm graduated, but I at least am going back & doing something productive with my life & setting up the ground work for a better future for myself and kids.

 

I'll be busy with school and my kids that I likely won't have time to go out & meet other people, nor do I want to at this point. My focus is school and my kids. If something comes from talking with my old ex, great. If not, I'll at least be able to walk away knowing that I had tried and that it didn't work for whatever reason. Even if we decide to be friends afterwards, that's ok with me because as it stands, we aren't even really speaking with eachother & I would love to be able to speak with him because he always wanted the best for me and we were able to speak about anything and everything. I really miss having him to talk to not feeling like I was being steered in a certain direction for his sole benefit.

 

I know I'm going to write him a letter, I just am unsure of what to say. I have an idea, but I don't know if it's the right thing to say.