Author irresolute Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 Could you all PLEASE stop with the 20 minute date!! The coffee shop I'd chosen was closed. So we went to Peet's that was packed with people and super noisy. He then told me he had to do stuff in one hour and a half from then. We chat a bit but it was hard for me to keep with the conversation as the coffee shop was noisy. Then, I said to go. Whats wrong with that guys? I wanted to have a first impression, the REAL date will be this Monday (if we actually meet for a date, now I m not that sure...)
Anderlie Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Hang in there champ. The best advice I can give is what worked for me: I turned off my 'give a ****.' In other words, I did exactly what I wanted to do with regards to dating a guy. If I wanted to talk to him I did, if I wanted to go out with him I did, if I wanted to make out with him I did, if I wanted to have sex with him I did, if I wanted to explain to him what my hopes were for dating him I did. And he could either get on board or go away. Honestly I saved myself soooo much angst and worrying over what he meant by this or that or whyyyy wasn't he responding to meeeee?! Because bleh, I told him what I was after - there was no ambiguity - and what I wanted didn't necessarily jive with what he wanted and it was ok. Yes it's hard if you liked the guy but in the end isn't he doing you both a favour? You save yourself x amount of extra time worrying and can move on to someone whose aspirations match your own. This may seem callous but if the date doesn't go ahead with this guy (I hope it does and this is just a blip of course) hopefully turning off your 'give a ****' will help. 3
Trimmer Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 I do agree with the other posters that as a man, if someone cut me off at the 20 minute mark of a date I would very much think she was not interested and not contact her further. Hey, let's remember that this "date" started out with the precondition that he was already committed to being somewhere very soon after they met, so I'm willing to cut her a little slack. Plus he's already come back and expressed interest in a second date, so it's pretty much irrelevant now, isn't it? (Just don't run out early on this one, OK? ) Hang in there champ. The best advice I can give is what worked for me: I turned off my 'give a ****.' In other words, I did exactly what I wanted to do with regards to dating a guy. If I wanted to talk to him I did, if I wanted to go out with him I did, if I wanted to make out with him I did, if I wanted to have sex with him I did, if I wanted to explain to him what my hopes were for dating him I did. And he could either get on board or go away. Honestly I saved myself soooo much angst and worrying over what he meant by this or that or whyyyy wasn't he responding to meeeee?! Because bleh, I told him what I was after - there was no ambiguity - and what I wanted didn't necessarily jive with what he wanted and it was ok. Yes it's hard if you liked the guy but in the end isn't he doing you both a favour? You save yourself x amount of extra time worrying and can move on to someone whose aspirations match your own. Daayyum. I love this. Your anxiety comes way down, so you can be your relaxed self. And the advantage to your date: they get to see your relaxed self! Win-Win. To the OP: you may not be able to just totally switch off the "give-a-****" instinct, but understand that the less anxious you are about the outcome, the less anxious and the more relaxed you will be, and this can only help. Perhaps a good way to encourage a positive outcome is to not care about the outcome!
Diezel Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 I'll never understand the "He's/she's online on the dating website!!!!" after a first date. It means nothing. You can't expect someone to stop just because of 1 date. As far as the 20 minute date is concerned, sometimes I'd much rather a 20 minute date for various reasons. For 1, at least you know you aren't being catfished, and you get a real quick feeling as to whether you might to see this person or not. But as another person said, that's way too quick to expect anything solidified after the fact. All you can do is wait and play the dating game. 3
snowflakes88 Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Ok guys i guess my second date is in tightrope right now. He is online on thd dating site (I am as well, so...) but he hasnt replied my email from this morning. I hate to feel so insecure. Still 4 days from our date ugh. You met him once. You should assume he is dating / talking to other women. 2
Zahara Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 He is online on thd dating site (I am as well, so...) but he hasnt replied my email from this morning. I hate to feel so insecure. Still 4 days from our date ugh. He's going to keep his options open. Assume that he is dating others, planning dates, corresponding with other women. If you're going to OLD, then you better have thicker skin and a "whatever" attitude. This whole bouncing off the walls after a 20 minute date is unecessary panic and anxiety. 2
DivorcedDad123 Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 Don't read too much into him being online. He's not sure (as he shouldn't be) that you and he will work out. After a 20 minute date,nobody could. He's keeping his options open,as he and YOU,should. Now,if the second date goes well,he'll cut back on the online dating,but he might not stop altogether yet. It took about 4 dates for me to figure out that I'd rather invest in one person for the moment. I was still talking to other women online,and still going on dates with them. You did really well by contacting him though. You eased any fear he had that the coffee date didn't go well.
Author irresolute Posted November 14, 2014 Author Posted November 14, 2014 Hello, As today, this is my panorama: -New Guy 1 (A) is still messaging me and we seem to go in the right direction. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells though. Date is Monday evening. -New guy 2 (JJ- no, not Johnny!) and I are messaging but I'm still unsure about him. He might not be my type, and I'm glad he hasn't invited me out, but it might be any moment. -New guy 3 (John- not Johnny! Crap, all the men are John's!) lives far away and he is super cute and funny, but he is a player from here to China. He's an engineer, extremely attractive, and he said he'll drive to meet me blah blah. He wants to talk on the phone later today. He's such a player, I shouldn't even answer. But he is cute, and he makes me laugh. -Ninjainpajamas: I don't see a future here to be honest, I think our date will be miserable, and I don't know whether to give him a chance or not. We live far away, though... I'm hving a good day today, I like to have my options open! I'm inclined for new guy 1 for now. Sorry ninja
slizl Posted November 14, 2014 Posted November 14, 2014 The no kiss on the first date was my signature move, but only if I saw a future with the girl. If we weren't compatible, I would take it as far as I could go. So here is the deal. You have this great first date and most girls want to reward you with a job well done with a little makeout action. They are expecting you to make a move and they want you to make a move. So at the end of the date (again, only if I saw a future and the date was great), I would thank them for the good time and give them a brief hug. So we have this great date, you expect me to go in for a kiss, but i just hug it out. Your mind begins to race. Did you do something wrong? Was I not attracted to you? Was it something you said? Etc. I am now a challenge and very desireable. Throw in a few days with no contact, wait a week to ask them out on another date, in conjunction with the no kiss on the first great date, you are super into the guy. So much that you go on Loveshack and post about it. He may or not be playing games, but everytime I have executed this strategy, it has paid dividends.
Omei Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I can't even finish my coffee in 20 mins im surprised you got a 2nd date that sounded so blow off ish. Anyway guy 2) stop talking to him, you said so yourself "im glad he hasn't invited me out" do him a favor let him go as you're wasting his time. Good luck with #1!
Author irresolute Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 I'm ruling out new guy 3. We talked on the phone and that was enough for me. Player. Player. He says all the rights words. I already memorized all the tricks. Thats one thing Im grateful for after my breakup. I dont longer fall for scumbags. Lesson learned. Guy 2 is making points, he seems extremely interested. Guy 1 still strong. Im just happy when I see his emails in my inbox. Ninjainpajamas has abandon me, so 4 are reduced to 2 in a blink. 1
Author irresolute Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 I just came home from my second date guys. Two hours and a half. Better, huh? He is into me, I think. Dinner was good, talked a lot, laugh, he told me lots of things...one hour dinner and they kicked us out because it was closing. He came with me to the car, I invited him to came inside. We listened to some music, talked more. He kissed me. I could tell he was turned on and that scared me a little. He said "I like you" two or three times. His kisses were kind of strong and it scared me to see him that way, like he had a lot of energy, masculine energy, and the way he looked me in the eyes...very powerful. I had to tell him to go. He just sent me an email. He said I was beautiful and that he wants to go out again. God, I miss Johnny. Crap. I'm crying right now . What to do??? What to do????
CatalystNX Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 He's definitely into you. I don't know why you're so conflicted here. You seem to like the guy, but are afraid of him at the same time. Granted, I wasn't there, but from the way you described him he seems to have pushed all the right buttons. If you genuinely like this guy and can't let yourself trust him/give him a chance, then perhaps you shouldn't be dating right now, period? I can't speak to his intentions, but from the way you described him, he's doing a lot of the things I'd do if I was with a girl I'm really into, and for more than just sex. Now, obviously I could be wrong about that as I don't know the guy from Adam; just saying, he seems to be putting his best foot forward.
organizedchaos Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Well, ninjainpijamas, I guess Im not your type. Boomer. Sad because we are both in Cali. Maybe youll reconsider? If your posts in the breakup forum are any indication, you are in no position to date yet. I believe I said to you over there as well. 1
Diezel Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 God, I miss Johnny. Crap. I'm crying right now . What to do??? What to do???? STOP DATING. YOU'RE NOT READY. Caps for emphasis. If you are afraid of "masculine energy", it's time to hang up the dating shoes for a month or two. 3
Author irresolute Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 I do not know why the "masculine energy" scares me so much. He grabbed me and kissed me and he was strong. Anyway, I replied to his message last night telling him Id love to go out again, that night was cold but it was good because i was with him (he said in previous email that warmer nights are better). He still hasnt replied. Maybe he sensed I was conflicted? I was ok on the date, I was sad when he left and started to think about johnny again.
Brooke02 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 If your sad, your not ready yet. Why are you doing this? Give yourself some time to heal & get over him. You need to find yourself & be happy.
Author irresolute Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 Guys, I need to be ready. It's been 7 months since last met Johnny, and 1 month 1/2 of strict no contact. Maybe this new guy is not the right one??? He just sent me a goodmorning email. What should I do? Right now, I miss Johnny a lot and want to contact him. At the same time, I like this new guy and want to see him again...
venusishername Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Guys, I need to be ready. It's been 7 months since last met Johnny, and 1 month 1/2 of strict no contact. Maybe this new guy is not the right one??? He just sent me a goodmorning email. What should I do? Right now, I miss Johnny a lot and want to contact him. At the same time, I like this new guy and want to see him again... Give yourself a break. Who says you 'need' to be ready? Why the undue pressure? Seriously, if someone coming on strong to you scares you a little, it's ok to take a step back. Trust me, I've been there!! It took me three years to even come close to ready to be in a relationship after my ex. Take your time. If you are still missing your ex and contemplating contacting him, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DATING. You should be completely indifferent to your ex to be ready for someone else. It wouldn't be fair to someone new if your heart was elsewhere. Embrace being single. 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 You are a woman with a very fitting name, Irresolute is what you're called, and you're playing a game. Dating this early just makes you miss your ex, Don't you think it's a bit early to date the other sex? 2
Author irresolute Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 Ok. New guy just sent me another message asking how my morning was but so far no plans to meet again, so I went online to see if I can distract myself with someone else. I might not be ready, but probably this is not the right guy for me either.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Ok. New guy just sent me another message asking how my morning was but so far no plans to meet again, so I went online to see if I can distract myself with someone else. I might not be ready, but probably this is not the right guy for me either. As quirky as you may be, you're all over the place. One day you're falling in love, the next day you need space! This is a sign that you're not ready emotionally yet, Or most of your posts are fleeting thoughts and regrets. In just a few hours time, you've gone from being interested to ignoring, Making a judgement call on people without even knowing, Part of me wants to cheer for you and usher you along, But alas, part of me wants to shake you to the tune of a new song. Take some time to discover what you really want and need, It's very apparent you're using dates as a distraction and to feed this void within yourself created by the absence of your ex, Dating should really be fun....it shouldn't be this complex. 1
Author irresolute Posted November 18, 2014 Author Posted November 18, 2014 But maybe this is not the guy! Whats wrong with this? I dont know what he wants, or what he should suppose to say after a second date. I don't want endless chats asking how my day is blah blah. It seems he is super nice (although he almost let me pay for half the dinner!l but he might be conflicted as well? On the other hand, I find myself missing J more and more and wtf, I know its supposed to be fun but why on earth I keep comparing both guys! Now it seems I put J again in a pedestal and Im regreting blocking him, like I forgot it was hell to be with him. Id like to have a 3rd date, when is he supposed to propose? I wont wait too long...
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 But maybe this is not the guy! Whats wrong with this? I dont know what he wants, or what he should suppose to say after a second date. I don't want endless chats asking how my day is blah blah. It seems he is super nice (although he almost let me pay for half the dinner!l but he might be conflicted as well? On the other hand, I find myself missing J more and more and wtf, I know its supposed to be fun but why on earth I keep comparing both guys! Now it seems I put J again in a pedestal and Im regreting blocking him, like I forgot it was hell to be with him. Id like to have a 3rd date, when is he supposed to propose? I wont wait too long... It seems you are lost, so here, let me find your way, You shouldn't be dating until you have forgotten about J. You will only hurt yourself, and any interested guy too, So stop with this nonsense, and let your heart fully heal through. 3
Brooke02 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 It seems you are lost, so here, let me find your way, You shouldn't be dating until you have forgotten about J. You will only hurt yourself, and any interested guy too, So stop with this nonsense, and let your heart fully heal through. She doesn't listen.
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