lawbstar Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 So my ex who broke up with me for reasons that do not really make sense to me (she said she broke up with me because she thought that I valued my education more than I valued her), texted me a long message. Here is the jist of what she said. Hey, sorry I haven't really been there, but my sister just brought up something. I honestly don't deserve you. You've been there for me and put up with all my **** that even my sister can't handle (her sister is like her closest friend), and all I did in return was hurt the one person I cared for the most. She's right, I don't deserve everything that you have given me. I was wrong. You're perfect, something I can't handle, my life right now is far from perfect, I don't want to keep you around and watch me hurt you, no matter what you say, there's someone better out there for you, and can make you feel as special as you made me feel these past few years. Yours truly, ex I am not exactly sure how I feel anymore, and I am not sure what I want to do. I have not texted her back yet, and I do not know if I should. I am open to advice and your opinions.
xUnknown Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I wouldn't respond. It sounds like she is hurting (maybe feeling guilty) and she is trying to justify/convince herself breaking up was the right choice for you. 4
me85 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I'll tell you right now that she is indeed feeling guilty. She is testing the waters with you to see if there's still a chance for her. I know what I'm talking about. No one wants to be rejected so she isn't going to come right out and say "I made a mistake...I want you back." Think about it. 3
idoltree Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I have not texted her back yet, and I do not know if I should. I am open to advice and your opinions.Don't. This is one of two things, or maybe a combination of the two: her feeling guilty and rationalizing why breaking up for you was "for the best". Talking herself into it as well as talking you into it.her attempt to make nice as a way toward reconciling If it is the first, replying will not benefit you in any way. Better to leave her questioning. The less you let her find comfort in rationalization, the better. If it is the second, then don't make it easy for her. She needs to sweat it out a bit, and ignoring this message will cause her doubt about whether you're a sure thing like she assumes. Causing her doubt is a good thing for you. If her intention is to work through things, this won't be the last you hear from her. Let her sweat it out and don't reply. If she follows up with "did you get my text?", wait a long time, and say "Yes. Didn't reply because I'm not sure what to say." Do not clarify more than that. Let her wonder why you don't know what to say. 1
NopeNah Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Read's as a "it's not you, its me" letter to me. Hell.. She's even shifting some of her lame letter on to her sister. Lol. Don't respond. She's blowing smoke. 2
Author lawbstar Posted November 15, 2014 Author Posted November 15, 2014 I really miss her and want to patch things up with her and be with her again. However, since she broke up with me, should I just keep trying to move on and try NC? :/ I ended up texting her back a few days ago and called her today to meet up. She said she might be able to. I started going to counselling, so I am hoping that will help me, but I really don't know what to do.
Kevin_D Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I ended up texting her back a few days ago and called her today to meet up. She said she might be able to. She "might be able to"!? Don't contact her again. If she really wants to work things out, she'll find a way to let you know.
idoltree Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I really miss her and want to patch things up with her and be with her again. However, since she broke up with me, should I just keep trying to move on and try NC? :/ Yes. Because she broke up with you, you can and should do nothing but heal and move on. Pursuing someone who dumped you, even through small actions, would be a mistake. I ended up texting her back a few days ago and called her today to meet up. She said she might be able to.... oh. So you took her bait and pursued her. And now she's evasive because she knows you're an option for her should she make even the smallest effort. Textbook. You have to look at the big picture here. You can't act the way you did before the breakup, where you responded to her and were available to her, and making sure she knew you were there was the highest priority. You have to see these messages for what they represent, rather than what they say, and make a decision about what YOU will accept from her. You responded to what was essentially a breadcrumb, and it has set you back because you wanted to bypass the time necessary to wait for her to pursue reconciliation (which may or may not happen). You wanted to take a shortcut, initiated by you, and now you're alone and lost in the woods. You did this to yourself. I'm being harsh here because I want you to accept that your impulses do not serve you well. You need to NOT ACT. Once you do something, you can never take it back. Oftentimes after a breakup, doing nothing is the best bet. It means you aren't doing anything to hurt your chances. Having once been a high school girl, I can tell you that although she may have made you believe that she wants more attention from you and for you to be more consistent, if you are doing these things after a breakup she is losing respect for you. Any girl who breaks up with a college boyfriend because he's (rightly) prioritizing his education is short-sighted and immature. She did it as a power move, and now she's running the show. What would get her attention is if you stood up for yourself, refused to let her run the show, saw her games for what they are, and acted in ways that were clear that you respect yourself and know how you deserve for a woman to treat you. Be a man about this, be willing to walk away/be comfortable with long periods of silence, call her on her B.S. and I bet she'll come running. You show her your new attitude via your actions, not words. Had you let her message sit without responding, she would have gotten thrown off, and that is a very good thing. You need her to see you differently. Another power move that you need to make is to cut off the third parties. If she has friends or family members telling you about her and acting as go betweens, that is not good for you. It feels good because it allows you to feel like you're connected and privy to her private life, but that goes both ways. She's learning about you through them, and that allows her comfort in separation and it will strengthen her ability to stay away. The next time someone contacts you and talks about her, say "You know, I'm at the point where I'm moving on with my life. The relationship with her is over, I've accepted that, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't bring her up with me anymore. I value your friendship and would love to stay in touch with you, but don't want to hear about my ex and what she's doing or thinking. Thanks for understanding." I started going to counselling, so I am hoping that will help me, but I really don't know what to do.Ask your counselor to help you with your anxiety, impulse control, and self-worth. I understand that you are sad about this breakup and myopically think that this is the only person for you. We all have gone through that. But you need to start to get some distance from that and see that it's perhaps not representative of reality. You are a good guy who other women would want to be with, but you're so attached to this one - not because she is fantastically special, but because you chose to bond with her and put her on a pedestal - that you can't see the others. Here's a great attitude that I wish you had: "Hey guys. My ex texted me this long thing, but it appears to be about guilt and she didn't say she wants to work on things. I miss her and want to be with her but I can see that she's not where I'd need her to be to pick things back up. So I'm going to ignore this and let my absence continue to work its magic and give her perspective about all the good things that I brought to her life. Perhaps she'll keep going down the path I want her to be on, where she eventually wants to reconcile and puts herself out on the line in order to do so. She's got to be the one to pursue me if a reconciliation were to work out. But I know that once she left me I have no control over what happens and it's possible she won't arrive at that place where she wants to make a full effort to seek me out and tell me that she made a mistake and wants to fix it. That's okay. I've used this time to heal so I can see that she's not the 'end all, be all' and I'm open to meeting someone new. If she comes back of her own volition, I'll listen to her. But I'm also open to beginning a future with another woman if I find someone cool." Ask your counselor to help you get to that point. Believe it or not, once you take your power back and embrace your life as a single man, you've got the best shot at a happy future without her, or at being strong enough to work through things should she (of her own volition) seek you out in the future. The reactive, sad, and "I just want her back" attitude is shooting yourself in the foot. Time to cut communication for good, because you want a shot at a future with her. 1
Author lawbstar Posted November 16, 2014 Author Posted November 16, 2014 Thank you all again for your input, and I would especially like to thank you, idoltree. I do not find your words harsh at all, and I actually appreciate you being blunt with me so that you do not beat around the bush. Your words have helped me see a different perspective of how I should really be seeing this situation. I realize that I was doing better when I had no contact with her at all, and then when she texted me, it threw me off, and my brain turned into a mode where I just wanted us to get back together. However, now I realize that I should focus on myself again and move on. After reading your message, I finally deleted her contact information from my phone after about 4 weeks post break up. I thought I was being nice and considerate by replying to her message, but now I see it for what it is really worth. She was just stringing me along and playing with my emotions. Thank you so much for helping me realize what I was too blind to see.
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