mr.blond Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Was in a 6 year relationship, thought everything was great untill she broke up with me out of no where last month. the shock of my life. Lemme tell you its been a horrable ride. Iv been sleeping with some girl to try and help myself limp along but i dont know if its helping. My question is if this will expedite or stunt the healing process? Im in my early 30's and this is the first time someone left me and its gnarly how this feels. whos pro rebound. whis anti rebound and why?
johnson_j Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I'm anti-rebound. All you will do is end up hurting someone else, without taking the time to really heal yourself.
writergal Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 anti-rebound: the sex with her is a nice distraction for you sure, but it's a form of self-medication, in that it prevents you from facing and then processing the emotional pain of your break-up. The same way an alcoholic drinks to avoid feeling pain, or an over-eater eats to avoid feeling pain. You need to nurture yourself right now, not seek nurturing from an outside source like a woman to rebound with. She wants a real relationship, whereas a man in your condition is like a plane loosing altitude, looking for a safe place to crash-land. You have no safety to offer her at this time. And by safety, I mean, an emotionally available relationship with you. It's not her job to "fix" you. It's selfish for you to expect her to nurture your emotional wounds from your 6 year relationship. That's a therapist's job who is better qualified anyway, than a poor woman who just wants to emotionally connect with you and have a long-term relationship, that ultimately you know you are not capable of giving her right now. Please, eject her for her own emotional good and tell her the truth: you are not ready for a real relationship right now because you are an emotional wreck. She'll be upset, feel like you took advantage of her (because you did) and rant a bit. But in the end, she'll thank you for respecting her enough for cutting her loose to go search for a single man to date who is free and clear from his previous relationship. Right now, you need to ask yourself: Why are you so scared to be alone? The longer you put-off healing, the longer the pain of your past relationship will haunt you and cause you to rebound. The emotional wounds you have will remain exposed and will not heal. 1
Zapbasket Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 A rebound in your condition is a horrible idea. PLEASE let that poor girl go, and focus on your healing. Step 1 to healing: sitting with all those horrible thoughts and feelings coursing through you. It sucks, but it's necessary. Emotional pain, ignored and avoided, has a way of resurfacing all throughout your life in insidious and ugly ways. Things that support healing: exercise. Meditation. Dedicated once or more per week sessions with a therapist, for at least 6 months. Talking about your feelings with a select few close, empathic friends. Helping others with concrete lift problems--homelessness, poverty, etc. Time in nature. Pursuit of artistic expression--viewing/watching/reading it, and making it. Devotion to getting a good night's sleep. Things that do not support healing: dating or sex before an extended period devoted to the above-mentioned things. Alcohol/recreational drugs. Avoidance of time alone by surrounding yourself with superficial "friends" who don't know the true you. I reiterate: PLEASE let this girl go, and be honest with her when you do. No one wants to be a rebound, no matter what they say. It's selfish of you, and invalidating to her. 1
loversquarrel Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I'm against it. Why? Because I've been there. I was in my thirties when I got divorced and I jumped right into dating (I dated while seperated as I knew there was no going back for me). I can tell you from my experience that it helped deal with the pain only temporarily. It was always just a matter of time for the sadness and depression to come back. I never gave myself an appropriate time to grieve and heal from the loss, and because of this I prolonged my recovery process. This delayed my life significantly from what should have taken a couple years to almost taking about 7-8. Part of my problem was bringing my baggage from the marriage into my relationships such as a distrust in relationships, women, and how people felt about me. I kept most women I met at arms length and ended up in unhealthy situations. In reading your posts you are clearly not in the right frame of mind to be dating right now. You are only one month out of a 6 yr. Relationship. Think about that for a moment. 6 years is a significant amount of time, not to mention she hurt you incredibly in more ways than one. Try giving yourself some time. Hang out with your friends to fill the void, get to know yourself and see a therapist. Investing in yourself will pay off in dividends down the road and you will find yourself in a much happier, healthier relationship. A good woman wants to be with a healthy, stable guy.
NopeNah Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I don't rebound. I will have ons and some fwb fun though. Honestly don't want the hassle of someone else's emotions/life for a while.
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