Swan lake Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Hi, Never ever thought I'd be asking advice in these forums. But here goes... I met a guy two years ago (10 year age difference, I'm older), we agreed on a friends with benefits type relationship to start off with. He's 22 (kind of expected) and I am at a stage where I have lost faith in men and a friends with benefits thing seemed like the perfect scenario, considering my lack of faith in men. The thing is after two years of having regular sex with someone, you form a kind of attachment. I've told him I can't see him anymore due to my feelings and I don't want to get hurt but he will persist to stay in contact until I give in again and go back to the same situation. We talk on phone regularly, text everyday and meet up once or twice a week. I'm very confused, there are so many scenarios that could be happening. 1. Either he is also confused due to age difference? 2. He is a young player, with no interest at all in me and just using me for sex. 3. Commitment phobic He gets jealous if I talk to another guy, hates my ex partner with a passion and wants me to be exclusive with him only. I've never been in this kind of relationship before only long term relationships and now this is a long term sex buddy relationship too and I've caught feelings. Has anyone been in the same situation? Advice would be appreciated, please. Even if you haven't been in this situation advice would be appreciated, this guy is sending me nuts! Soo confused!! 1
mariekatie Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Hi, Never ever thought I'd be asking advice in these forums. But here goes... I met a guy two years ago (10 year age difference, I'm older), we agreed on a friends with benefits type relationship to start off with. He's 22 (kind of expected) and I am at a stage where I have lost faith in men and a friends with benefits thing seemed like the perfect scenario, considering my lack of faith in men. The thing is after two years of having regular sex with someone, you form a kind of attachment. I've told him I can't see him anymore due to my feelings and I don't want to get hurt but he will persist to stay in contact until I give in again and go back to the same situation. We talk on phone regularly, text everyday and meet up once or twice a week. I'm very confused, there are so many scenarios that could be happening. 1. Either he is also confused due to age difference? 2. He is a young player, with no interest at all in me and just using me for sex. 3. Commitment phobic He gets jealous if I talk to another guy, hates my ex partner with a passion and wants me to be exclusive with him only. I've never been in this kind of relationship before only long term relationships and now this is a long term sex buddy relationship too and I've caught feelings. Has anyone been in the same situation? Advice would be appreciated, please. Even if you haven't been in this situation advice would be appreciated, this guy is sending me nuts! Soo confused!! Never had, never will have such experience. But from an outsider view, i feel that he might be feeling the same as you. Both of you talks on the phone regularly, i think most fwb would rather just skip the "contacting" and just meet up for sex. It's for physical but by communicating daily, it's more like an emotional thing. He gets jealous, this might be 1 sign that he likes you or he's just a jealous person. And if he don't have feelings, he wouldn't even bother about your expartner. And you mentioned he wanted to be exclusive, isn't that quite obvious already? I think maybe you should talk to him, since you had already confessed your feelings. Do you want to be with him or not? Ask yourself that. You're driving yourself nuts, not him. Have a good talk. I've seen people fell in love after being fwb after a long time. Communication is a good start. 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 It sounds like he likes you but not quite enough to fully commit. Maybe he's a commitment-phobe, maybe he's a player. Whatever the cause, he's making it clear he's not interested in going all the way. He wants a part time girlfriend and you're giving it to him. This is a good setup for many folks because they get to have regular sex and have someone to vent to, talk to or simply comiserate with on a deeper, semi-romantic level and have that warm and fuzzy reassuring feeling that that person is being sexually monogamous. All without that pesky burden of commitment. The sheer fact that you told him you were getting attached and his first reaction wasn't "I know, me too! Now let's take some steps to make this a real relationship" should tell you all you need to know. Upon hearing that news, anybody who was interested in fully committing would have made their interest clear then and there. He didn't. In my opinion, you really need to let this one go cold turkey. NC, blocking all forms of communication, the whole run. It'll sting, it may just hurt like hell. You might even shed a few tears but it NEEDS to be done for your own sake. If after all you've said, two years of regular sex and frequent communication he's still not trying to commit? Honey he's just not interested in taking things further with you. And he likely never will be. 2
Emilia Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 he just loves the drama, the push-pull and the lack of commitment. He gets in touch and pursues you because he likes the chase. You would do yourself a massive favour if you cut him off completely. This is definitely a no-go. 2
aisuru Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I have not been in this situation. However, since you mentioned you have only been in long distance relationships and this one, perhaps the more important question may be why you are putting yourself in situations where long term commitment is less likely. These types of relationships allow us to blame the other person when they don't work. And they provide automatic barriers to long term fulfillment like a relationship or marriage. Based on my experience, I would recommend therapy. It may help you in figuring out what you want and helping you get into the situation where you are more likely to get what you want. 3
Author Swan lake Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 Hi, thanks for the replies. Just clarifying I've never had a long distance relationship. Only long term relationships, 3 year minimum. Except having this kind of relationship is not the traditional kind of relationship and seemed ok to start with after a hurtful breakup prior. I have gone no contact for 3 weeks and he rang the entire time from private number, I answered after 3 weeks and he was more attentive and understood my feelings. He said "why don't you just be single forever, relationships aren't worth it". Look, I do agree. I'm going to have to resist the temptation to speak to him and just move on. It hurts because it's 2 years of intimacy and emotional connection. I seriously didn't think it would last this long at the beginning and I certainly didn't think fwb could last more than 6 months. Oh well, I guess I've been played.
Emilia Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Look, I do agree. I'm going to have to resist the temptation to speak to him and just move on. It hurts because it's 2 years of intimacy and emotional connection. I seriously didn't think it would last this long at the beginning and I certainly didn't think fwb could last more than 6 months. Oh well, I guess I've been played. No you haven't been played, you just weren't smart enough. If someone says no relationship, that means no relationship. I don't understand why people - usually women - think they are being played when in fact they set themselves up for this. It's your responsibility to look after yourself. 3
Author Swan lake Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 And If a woman says "I'm moving on, I'm not wasting my time anymore" and then he persists to call and even says sorry. What do you expect a woman to think. You can't keep leading someone on and when they leave you chase them. It's disgraceful! If that's your opinion then there is no doubt a man will say anything to get sex. I can tell you children were spoken about in this relationship, that's why I wandered why he would even enter into such a conversation even though he suggested we both be single. I have never ever experienced this before, that's why I ask
Dallers Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Some very good information above. As someone who enjoys FWB/FB situations they are by no means easy and both of you must see near enough eye to eye. The telephone calls are a big red flag to me just never would I feel comfortable doing that. You control your feelings by not engaging in relationship discussions. My only rule is this : Eliminate contact unless it is sexual. No contact in between eliminates the problems. I sleep over and cuddle with my buddy because it is physical. Physical is fine. Emotional contact is not. In your situation you have done the right thing and he is playing your insecurities against you. He knows how to get what he wants from you but clearly 100% does not want more. Tread lightly and walk away.
Author Swan lake Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 Dallers, have you ever had a fwb/fb thing for two years? Why does he get jealous? Why does he want to keep in contact? Do guys get feelings after two years of this or can they just turn off emotions? Isn't cuddling in the emotional side?
Author Swan lake Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 I went on a date with another guy and he went ballistic like I cheated. It was only a date and to try to move on from him. I was honest with him and that's when he said above and started calling me names like slut, etc. I think I will walk away and never have this kind of relationship again, very very confusing!
heartshaped Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Dear you're 32 years old and acting like one of those young, naive girls with stars in their eyes. Listen, this guy saw you were in a bad place emotionally (had "lost faith" in men) and he manipulated you and the situation to his advantage. He's still manipulating you with things like "relationships suck let's just stay single", talk of children, and even calling you names like slut, etc (shaming you). On the topic of jealousy, jealousy is simply based upon someone having an item or attribute that you would like to possess. It does not equal feelings for the person. The long and short of it is this man does not want to be with you. He never has. He wants to sleep with you and keep that arrangement going for as long as possible without forming any commitment to you. I really have no idea why you would even want to be with someone though who would call you names, harass you when you try to end things, and won't commit to you after all this time. I think that is something you should work on with a therapist. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 He gets jealous and wants to keep in contact because he had a sure thing going with you for 2 years, and it's coming to an end. Even if there's no commitment, most people don't want their sex partner having sex with other people. He's not confused. He's just young, immature, and probably has no idea what he's doing when it comes to relationships. If you tell him it's over and mean it, it's up to you to communicate that you will be going completely No Contact and stick to that - don't answer any "private" calls, don't see him, nothing. 1
Dallers Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Dallers, have you ever had a fwb/fb thing for two years? Why does he get jealous? Why does he want to keep in contact? Do guys get feelings after two years of this or can they just turn off emotions? Isn't cuddling in the emotional side? Because he is a human being. Everyone gets jealous. He enjoys the attention you give him but the world is his oyster and he has plenty of options. You want him to be your only option because you are older and know that when you find one thing that is good you want to keep that one thing and I agree because I feel the same way. Sadly he does not as he needs to learn the hard way. Simply he enjoys the sex which is why he keeps coming back. You are his FB and to be honest that is what casual sex means. When you have no better option you go to your FB. Sad but true. You just have to decide if you want sex or not. If it is making you more unhappy than happy time to walk away. 1
Author Swan lake Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 Thank you everyone! He's blocked and I'm moving on! Appreciate the advice!
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