Reflections Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 You find stuff you dont want to see. First of all: don't lecture me on how bad what I did was, and how it was an invasion of privacy - I already know all that and feel guilty enough. But, what's done is done. I had my reasons to be suspicious, which doesn't justify what I did, but I wanted to disprove any doubts I had. Background: I'm 20, hes 22. We've been together a little over a year. We've been living together about a month. No, my bf isn't cheating. No, it wasn't porn. Basically I just found out that he was lying to me about something (sorry, dont want to be too specific as he knows I visit these forums.) I'm not asking if I should confront him on this. I know I have to for my own sake or it will fester and drive me insane and I know I will act differently towards him until it is out in the open and resolved (i'm a little neurotic and obessessive, I'll admit that now.) The thing is, I don't know *how* to confront him. I don't know how to tell him I've broken his trust. And I don't know what to expect from him in terms of a reaction. I know everyone is different but if anyone could post any advide or something, it would be greatly appreciated. I wont get to see him until later tonight, and I'm already completely freaking out.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I've been guilty of this. What I said was, "Yes, I snooped- I was wrong but........" and then went in to what I found. Apologize to him for invading his privacy and say you won't do it again. That is the only way to do it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 The thing is, I don't know *how* to confront him. I don't know how to tell him I've broken his trust. And I don't know what to expect from him in terms of a reaction. A Sample Conversation: (you) "Hey, _____ I was wondering what this is all about (present what you found). I don't understand why you would lie to me about something like that". (him) "Why did you go digging around in my stuff like that?" (you) "I know that going through your stuff was wrong, and I apologize. I take full responsibility for that. However, I need you to explain why you lied to me about ______." (him) "You're damned right you were wrong. You snooped through my stuff! Why can't you trust me?" (you) "I understand you are angry about me snooping. I will apologize again. I still need for you to let me know why you felt you had to lie to me about _______, though. I can't trust you if I know that you lie to me like that." (him) "I lied because I knew you'd make a huge deal out of it. You are too insecure/jealous/neurotic, and I don't like you going into my business behind my back." (you) "This isn't about how insecure/jealous/neurotic I am, nor is this about me violating your privacy. This is about you lying about ________. I just want to know that your lying to me hurts me and I simply want to know the truth behind it." (him) "... (more angry accusations and defensiveness)" (you) "Maybe we should just drop this and talk about it tomorrow when we are both not so angry" (him) "... (sulking and angry)" Tomorrow: (you) "Hey, look - about that snooping. I know it made you angry, but I want you to understand that I did it because I really am afraid of something that is going wrong with us. I don't want to lose you, and that's why I made the decision to check up on you like that. I still need to know why you lied about _______, though." (him) "Ok, I lied because (insert whatever answer/explanation here), and I'm sorry." ************************************************** As long as you acknowledge what you did, and then force the focus to stay on what he did - hopefully you can get to the bottom of it. You will want to just present what you have, with no explanation about how you got it. He'll draw his own conclusions about that, for which you can acknowledge and then keep the focus on what you found.
Merin Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I've found that regardless of how you know what you know when something is wrong.. it's wrong. With that said.. when I used to catch my EXBF lying even if was by looking at things he might not have wanted me looking at or talking to ppl he didn't want me talking to and he would ask me how did I know or how did I find out.. I would tell him It doesn't matter how I know or how I found out.. what matters is this isn't okay with me. I DON'T (let me repeat that) DON'T think invading someones privacy is a good thing and I don't encourage it... but yeah IF someone has given you REAL REASON to believe there is something not right going on... and I'm not talking about your girl sayin "Oh girl.. pssshhh he's a dog I just know it" but You have valid concerns then I would say ASK FIRST before you snoop.
Illusion24 Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 You basically answered all of your questions, which saves time...but I see where you're coming from Everybody has doubts about certain things...and no matter what it takes you do what you have to do to find out the truth...Yes you invaded his privacy...Yes you found out something he was hiding/lying about...BUT why was he hiding from the first place? Sometimes people don't say things because no matter if they do or not the consequences are still the same so they don't say anything and hopefully they don't' find out...and if they do well...this happens I guess just simply go up to him and ask him if theirs something he would like to talk about and if he answers no then you say "well I think you do" ..."I felt a certain way and I did something I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it what's done is done...I found out you lied about__________________" and take it from their If he loves you he'll be angry at first but give you the answer you want....if he brushes you away and the only thing he can be mad about is that you invaded his privacy well...whatever it is he didn't care if you got hurt
Hund1976 Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 Make sure you stick to whatever it was you found. I've found when I caught someone in a lie a lot of times they'll try to change the focus onto how bad I was for snooping on them and finding out about it. Say you know invading privacy is wrong but lying is also wrong. And stick to that.
crazychick Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I have a friend who was certain her boyfriend was going to propose because it was their anniversary and someone she knows say him at a jewelry store. She snooped around for the ring and found a pair of diamond earrings instead. She was hysterical and when he actually gave them to her, she couldn't even hide her disappointment. When he actually did propose a year later, she found the ring too and she wanted me to come over and see it. You have no idea how bad I felt for this guy. Here he was trying to surprise her and she already knew. I believe in personal space and trusting each other. You have to have that in order to be successful together. I was with this guy once who would lie about the stupidest things in the world, and he always busted himself. For example, I was on my way to his house and I called him to make sure he was home. He answered his cell, said he was home watching the dogs playing - I talked to him almost the whole way to his house. When I got there, he pulled in the driveway behind me. He was actually at Best Buy shopping. Now, why he didn't tell me this - I have no idea. Its kind of a silly thing to lie about, I mean who cares that he was out buying cd's? Before you confront him about this lie - determine if this is a lie you can live with or if it is something too big to get past. That will help at least when you do talk to him about it. Then, when you talk to him, try to be calm. You are both wrong in this situation, you for snooping and him for lying. Just get to the heart of the problem, why he lied and what caused you to search for the truth. The more honest you can be the better. Understand that he is going to be upset about how you found out, and accept that.
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