CrystalCastles Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Why do OW demonize the wife? It seems a bit weird to me. You insult her yet you're the one boinking her husband? I'm not sure why OW think it is their place to hate the married guy's wife. I read an OW's post where she spoke with such hate for the wife, but has never met her. I get that the OW are probably mad because the wife is married to the WS, not them, but what did you expect? He's married, so yeah, there will be a wife in the picture. Not trying to sound confrontational, just want to hear what the OW reasoning is. I wouldn't know, I've never had an affair nor do I plan to, so maybe there's something I'm missing. 5
adna89 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Because deep down they know what they do is wrong,so they try to make themself feel better by believing the wife is a bad person worth hating And of course jealousy,because the man belongs to the wife after all 20
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I used to wonder this myself but I've come to find So, so, SO very many reasons. The first (and most important IMO) being demonize and dehumanize are practically the same thing. That said, dehumanization is central to warfare. And let's be real here, for OW looking to "win" the heart of her MM, the situation is basically warfare. Because of this, a lot of OW fixed their minds to viewing the BW as the enemy. SHE is the sole impediment to their own happiness. SHE is the thing that is "in their way" (meaning, OW and MM being together fully) and therefore she is a bitch, inattentive, evil, mean, crazy, etc. Then, MM are notorious for painting their wives in a bad light and throwing them completely under the bus. Because of this, OW view her as horrible people who treat someone they love (the MM) poorly, unfairly or even outright cruelly. If your boyfriend (as a single woman dating a single man) told you his mother was awful, mean, uncaring, etc, you would begin to hate her too. Because he is your BF and someone you care about, you believe him. You hate her because she is painted as hateful. It's also so much easier to do the things it takes to be an OW if you convince yourself she is a bad person and/or "deserves" to be cheated on. It just is. 13
MissBee Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 (edited) In my own situation I did not know enough about this woman to hate her or form any kind of definitive picture of her. I knew about her in pieces from what he said, but then, my exAP didn't divulge a ton of details about her like some MM do, which to me was smart on his part as 1) it showed, as weird as it sounds, that he had some modicum of respect for her where he wasn't going to be divulging her business to me and 2) it gave me less stuff to fill my head with and worry or obsess over and latch on to. She existed, I knew of her, I knew some matter of fact things about her, accidentally heard her voice once, never saw her (until years after the A I saw her FB page), so I truly did not develop any kind of strong negative emotions towards her. If anything, I was more curious about her and slightly jealous of her having him in the open, than having a strong negative feeling about her. I have never personally understood some vitriol I have heard spouted by some OW after they make it known that they haven't ever met the woman and all their info on her is filtered through the MM. To me it's very weird. It's like a friend telling me about someone she doesn't like be it for legit or made up reasons. I will commiserate as a friend but I don't really absorb the negative feelings or speak about it secondhand to others with any vitriol, as I simply do not know this other person personally so there is only so much negativity that I can truly feel about them based on stories without ever having interacted with them myself. For OW who don't know the BS well or have never suffered at her hands personally, it is indeed strange how the level of anger or disgust they harbor makes it seem like she has personally assaulted and did wrong to THEM, when they're only hearing it second hand from MM or whatever other source. I guess the whole second-hand anger that gets to that kind of level is weird to me. Edited November 10, 2014 by MissBee 6
Lady2163 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I didn't hate the wife. MM said very little negative about her. What I do think is everyone often buries their head in the sand about is the fact that many people, both husbands and wives take their spouses for granted, neglect them (and the relationship) and may even practice subtle forms of emotional abuse. That pisses me off. A whole lot. I've been single a long time and I hear women say, "He married me for better or worse. I may never want sex again, so this is the worst." I've heard words to that effect many times in my life. Deny your partner sex or emotional support, but they are still expected to be loyal? I mean, that isn't love. That's sabotage. I've been there. I was married and our sex life deteriorated because he stopped satisfying me. I've been divorced 15 years and if I found out my exhusband had an affair or casual sex during those last couple of years of marriage, I don't think I could muster the outrage and indignation about the actual sex. I could be cranky if he failed to use condoms and exposed me to skank diseases. I was not interested in having sex with him and it didn't happen very often. He was totally capable of satisfying me, but chose not to. I did everything I possibly could to change the behaviors that were affecting the marriage in and out of the bedroom. But two people have to want it to work. And I'm not saying any of that was true with MMs wife. While their sex life was (and more than likely still is) very predictable, I think what was more important was the fact that I asked him "how was your day? What are you working on? What are you doing tonight? What did you do last night?". I was and am someone who is genuinely interested in him and has no expectations or demands to make of him. We are still in a comfortable LC. Sometimes he calls me, sometimes I call him. Flirting, but no phone sex or anything R rated, no face to face meetings. I've heard things like these in a counseling capacity and from men and women of all ages. I've seen the "me first" attitude demonstrated in words and deeds in many relationships. You don't see a lot of BS on here who admit they may have played a role in the implosion of their marriage. Granted, many of them may stay away from a forum like this. I doubt my ex would show up. Many of the BS on here may have been snookered by their spouses. Gender neutral, some people are just dogs, but they are good at hiding it for many years. 1
KismetGirl Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 ive never hated MM's BS. He's never said anything but nice things about her as a person and etc. Just that they don't have much in the way of a romantic connection. But he sings her praises in other regards. I felt guilty a lot of the time. She knows of my existence. She seems to have blocked me on social media. I assume that means at some point she went and looked at my pictures. Probably stared at them...hating me. Wondering , why her? What does she have that would make my BS stray? She probably hated me. I never disliked her. I don't really know her. Never met her in person. The OW who hate the BS are likely just jealous and it comes out at anger. I'm not jealous of her in the sense that she has his heart, because frankly at this point it seems not so, but I am jealous sometimes she met him first and established a life with him. But I never hated her. 1
Lady2163 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 ive never hated MM's BS. He's never said anything but nice things about her as a person and etc. Just that they don't have much in the way of a romantic connection. But he sings her praises in other regards. I am jealous sometimes she met him first and established a life with him. But I never hated her. Well said.
Hope Shimmers Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I used to wonder this myself but I've come to find So, so, SO very many reasons. The first (and most important IMO) being demonize and dehumanize are practically the same thing. That said, dehumanization is central to warfare. And let's be real here, for OW looking to "win" the heart of her MM, the situation is basically warfare. Because of this, a lot of OW fixed their minds to viewing the BW as the enemy. SHE is the sole impediment to their own happiness. SHE is the thing that is "in their way" (meaning, OW and MM being together fully) and therefore she is a bitch, inattentive, evil, mean, crazy, etc. Then, MM are notorious for painting their wives in a bad light and throwing them completely under the bus. Because of this, OW view her as horrible people who treat someone they love (the MM) poorly, unfairly or even outright cruelly. If your boyfriend (as a single woman dating a single man) told you his mother was awful, mean, uncaring, etc, you would begin to hate her too. Because he is your BF and someone you care about, you believe him. You hate her because she is painted as hateful. It's also so much easier to do the things it takes to be an OW if you convince yourself she is a bad person and/or "deserves" to be cheated on. It just is. Wow. And where did you get all of this? This is a huge completely erroneous assumption (as far as I'm concerned). Maybe some OW think this way, but this almost made me laugh out loud. I didn't 'hate' the OW or 'demonize' her or really spend much time thinking about her at all (he didn't either; we just didn't). That was then. But to think that I plotted to hurt her, to see her in a negative light, to steal her husband, to demonize her, or that I "saw her as the sole impediment" to my having ex-MM "all my own"? Sorry, but not even close. That was on him and was always on him, not her. She wasn't even in the picture or in my thinking at all. To me at the time it was about us (he and I) and that's it (again, his definition). Once it became an A and we broke up then things were different, but not in terms of seeing her differently, just in terms of recognizing her place in all the pain and hurt.
Hope Shimmers Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Because deep down they know what they do is wrong,so they try to make themself feel better by believing the wife is a bad person worth hating And of course jealousy,because the man belongs to the wife after all Again... never happened. None of this. Is this what most BS's really think?
Hope Shimmers Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I used to wonder this myself but I've come to find So, so, SO very many reasons. The first (and most important IMO) being demonize and dehumanize are practically the same thing. That said, dehumanization is central to warfare. And let's be real here, for OW looking to "win" the heart of her MM, the situation is basically warfare. Because of this, a lot of OW fixed their minds to viewing the BW as the enemy. SHE is the sole impediment to their own happiness. SHE is the thing that is "in their way" (meaning, OW and MM being together fully) and therefore she is a bitch, inattentive, evil, mean, crazy, etc. Then, MM are notorious for painting their wives in a bad light and throwing them completely under the bus. Because of this, OW view her as horrible people who treat someone they love (the MM) poorly, unfairly or even outright cruelly. If your boyfriend (as a single woman dating a single man) told you his mother was awful, mean, uncaring, etc, you would begin to hate her too. Because he is your BF and someone you care about, you believe him. You hate her because she is painted as hateful. It's also so much easier to do the things it takes to be an OW if you convince yourself she is a bad person and/or "deserves" to be cheated on. It just is. Ex-MM also said very little about his wife. He didn't complain about her. He always admitted he loved her in his own way. He never, ever put her down or said anything negative about her (if he had, I would have been gone).
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Wow. And where did you get all of this? Life experience, personal experience, common sense, psycholgy...I mean, I could go on but there's little need. Crystal Castles wanted to know why some OW were so hateful toward the BW. I gave my answer, take it or leave it but I either way, I never said ALL OW or MM are like this or that so.... 1
Sassy Girl Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I don't hate or demonise the wife. Based on the little that MM has said about her, she is a very successful woman with a great career and is a wonderful mother. They share a great life and he is proud of her. I suspect those that DO demonise the wife do it because it makes them feel better about what they are doing rather than face the fact that they are the demon. Or maybe its abject jealousy that they have what they want, so hate the wife for it. Strange that they want to be married to a man who they know lies and cheats on his wife, but different strokes I guess. 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Source please. Maybe I personally wouldn't say "most" but in my experience, I'd definitely say "many". Look around you and see some of the vitriol some OW spew toward a woman they've never even met.
still_an_Angel Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 OW here, and I don't believe in "demonizing" the W. In fact, I am glad she is the wife, because she looks after him, not me. There is no need to bash MM's wife because it won't change my status nor hers. MM and W became sweethearts when they were 15-16? and have known each other even earlier, at that time, I wasn't even out of my nappies and was living in a far away country! We can't change history so I don't hate her for meeting him first, the playing field was not even to begin with so hating her is a useless activity and a waste of my energy.
Poppy47 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 The wife was never a real person to me. We lived far apart and I never saw her. He and I were in the A bubble and that was it. Poppy 1
Goodbye Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I would argue that more OW than not do NOT "demonize" the MM's W. Yes, there are cases of misplaced anger. That misplaced anger by the OW is not dissimilar to the misplaced anger of the BW: it is easier to feel anger at the unknown than at the person with whom you are in love. I never hated the exMM's W. Never had feelings of malice. I remember when I was debating telling her about her H's affair, people here would post stuff like "WHY do you HATE her so much that you want to BLOW up her world???" I never got that. Truly damned if you do, damned if you don't. There is a lot of emotional crap about relationships, love and most certainly affairs that produces irrational behaviors.
HermioneG Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Hmm, it seems its your nerve that got pinched. I'm just curious how you can speak for how all OWs feel, and if you've got stats to back up your claim. If its based on personal experience, it would have been helpful if you indicated this to begin with. Gently- she never said all. But reading in this forum can provide many, many examples of just what she is describing. It would be wrong for me to provide usernames in particular, but there are many examples that illustrate her point. But read this forum long enough and you will see many examples of it. There are also many examples in the infidelity forum. 6
Ruffian1 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Some OWs demonize the wife so that they can rationalize their awful behavior as being okay. BINGO!! 7
carhill Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Why demonize the wife? Generalizing to betrayed spouse- Nearly all of the MW's I've known rewrite the M to the degree that their H is some subhuman species which they've been suffering through life with. Back when I was young and ignorant, I believed them, so demonized a few H's along the way. 4
waterwoman Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I am sure there are many variations on the theme but I wonder if the dynamics of the affairs tend to force both women (or men for that matter) into a natural opposition. I am quite a generous soul and tend to beleive the best of people but on dday I could have killed OW! I was so angry. I knew her, liked her and had tried to be a friend to her so I had a reason to feel a little betrayed but it still wasn't like me at all. I took real effort to restrain this anger towards her until it died down naturally as the true realities took over. I guess it works the other way too. 2
eye of the storm Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I don't hate my MM's W. I don't know her. MM says she is nice and a good mom. She is rarely on my radar and I don't think much about her as she lives in a different state. I will admit to being slightly jealous right now as he and she are on a vacation that he and I planned together. But my work assignment got shifted hugely to the left and I couldn't go. I am still not sure if I'm jealous of her, that she is on my vacation, or that I couldn't go with him. Probably all three. But even now I don't hate her.
Lady2163 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Gently- she never said all. But reading in this forum can provide many, many examples of just what she is describing. It would be wrong for me to provide usernames in particular, but there are many examples that illustrate her point. But read this forum long enough and you will see many examples of it. There are also many examples in the infidelity forum. Gently and tactfully....this post changed in four hours. It did spin into how "all" and "most" OWs hate the wives. Those posts are now gone and I think youre responding to someome who responded to one of those posts. 2
gettingstronger Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I have to agree that if you are a regular reader on here it would appear that OWs hate the BS, but I think that has more to do with the frequency of vile posts about the BS by a handful of posters-I can understand where the OP got that info- For our situation, I don't think she hated me- it seems from post dday actions and communications that she envied me and the life I had/have with my H and our family dynamics does envy turn to hate, I really do not know-but I do know, that nearly 2 years out she is still bent on making my life miserable-is she unique in this, probably not-is she the norm-gosh, I hope not- 4
Got it Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Why do OW demonize the wife? It seems a bit weird to me. You insult her yet you're the one boinking her husband? I'm not sure why OW think it is their place to hate the married guy's wife. I read an OW's post where she spoke with such hate for the wife, but has never met her. I get that the OW are probably mad because the wife is married to the WS, not them, but what did you expect? He's married, so yeah, there will be a wife in the picture. Not trying to sound confrontational, just want to hear what the OW reasoning is. I wouldn't know, I've never had an affair nor do I plan to, so maybe there's something I'm missing. Who says all OW do this? I have no idea, I didn't demonize his ex wife. 1
sweet_pea Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I would argue that more OW than not do NOT "demonize" the MM's W. Yes, there are cases of misplaced anger. That misplaced anger by the OW is not dissimilar to the misplaced anger of the BW: it is easier to feel anger at the unknown than at the person with whom you are in love. I never hated the exMM's W. Never had feelings of malice. I remember when I was debating telling her about her H's affair, people here would post stuff like "WHY do you HATE her so much that you want to BLOW up her world???" I never got that. Truly damned if you do, damned if you don't. There is a lot of emotional crap about relationships, love and most certainly affairs that produces irrational behaviors. What is misplaced anger when it comes to the BS? Should the BS not be angry at the AP for taking part in the affair? This is really a case of some APs hating the BS and some not. I think a lot more do dislike/hate the BS than what posters are letting on, but that's just my opinion and what I've noted from reading forums & personal experience. Whether they hate or dislike the BS or not, bottom line is what they're doing is pretty sh*tty (in my opinion). 6
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